I had a very long meeting yesterday with the nutritional therapist I told you all about and found out some depressing things. She asked some prying questions and I was surprised at the answers I gave out loud. I must have sounded completely crazy. The words "normal people" surfaced quite a bit. When I was asked to describe "normal people" who eat my answers sounded bizarre even to me. Apparently I think normal people don't actually eat, that they're selfish because they take in food at the first sign of hunger, and that I fee resentment towards them because they don't want to eat as much as I do. Ugh, I can't tell you how pathetic I feel.
I felt like I got more done in one appointment than I did in 2yrs of therapy. She cut to the chase and speculated that I have a difficult time nurturing myself and that I'm afraid to be hungry because I don't deserve to nurture myself or something like that. I'm totally sad. It's a lot to take in, and when I got home and took a look at the itemized bill she gave me it was right there in black and white : Eating Disorder, non specified. She was able to read into my food log and see patterns I hadn't seen, like I don't allow myself to get truly full, and that on days that I eat a big breakfast I eat less throughout the day. And apparently I'm my own carb police judging by the amount of scolding I put myself through every time I eat a freaking potato.
The good news is that she thinks that I'm making a lot of progress already with Intuitive Eating. She thinks I'm doing the right thing to try to foster my hunger signals because she agrees with me that my hunger/fullness is a completely broken system. She is urging me for the next 3 days to eat eat eat with complete abandon, go to Disneyland and eat 27 funnel cakes if that's what I fancy. Beyond the 3 days I have to eat a good full breakfast and continue eating mindfully.
She expressed excitement, she thinks I'm doing really well. But I feel like crap. I am hopeful though and I want to break through my ED once and for all.
Last edited by Palestrina; 03-21-2014 at 09:29 AM.
Wow Wannabe. You are so brave to push through all this and I am so glad you are on your way. Did this nutrition gal give you any kind of background on how common the issues are? I suspect very if she popped them right off like that.
Wannabe I feel so close to you, I just wanted you to know that. I've been reading Overcoming Overeating for the last day or so and I've found that I do the same things. I haven't been honoring my hunger but trying to push through it. What your therapist recommended is exactly what the authors of OO recommend. I've been trying to mimic how thin women eat- I'm 375 pounds of muscle, bone, and fat. If I tried to eat like a skinny person I'd go crazy! What I'm trying to do right now is to honor my hunger and cravings- I just ate chocolate ice cream at 11am- after eating yogurt and berries at 10am. I was hungry for it and it feel great right now- truly free.
I'm trying to nurture myself. I was caught by surprise when you were talking about how angry, lonely, frustrated, etc. that you feel. You have a husband, a baby, and live in NYC. I looked at your life and was jealous because I'm single and childless. The truth is that even if I magically had everything I wanted it wouldn't stop my self hatred. That isn't caused by stuff outside, but by stuff inside. Instead of feeling angry or fat because I ate ice cream I'm trying to look at it as what it is- I'm working on undoing all the damage of dieting and self loathing that I've experienced during my 27 years of life.
I'm going to do what OO and your therapist recommends. I'm giving up the scale, giving up the diet mentality completely. I'm going to work on loving my body and sucking the marrow out of life. Life is too ****ing short to worry and push myself about losing weight. I'm going to focus on the process and not the results. Don't feel bad about yourself- IE isn't a diet you can fail. Love yourself and honor your body's signals. Tell your brain to shut up!
P.S. - OO has this to say about 'normal': "We define 'normal' as eating when you're hungry, what you're hungry for, and stopping when you've had enough." It seems entirely based on you and your body rather than anybody else. Hope this helps.
Wow Wannabe. You are so brave to push through all this and I am so glad you are on your way. Did this nutrition gal give you any kind of background on how common the issues are? I suspect very if she popped them right off like that.
I feel anything but normal... that's the whole problem. I have this big secret that I can't let on in the world.
I'm totally out of my comfort zone, and the meeting with the nutritionist was definitely a trigger of some sort. I'm out of sorts, like I've lost my equilibrium for the moment. I know I'll get out of that and be fine, but it's a sudden earthquake in an emotional sense. I'm just trying to find my footing. She told me to eat with abandon for at least 3 days and suddenly I don't know how to do that. I kind of don't feel like eating at all. Am I supposed to binge? I guess I'll email her to clarify. Eating with abandon means what exactly? To me it means going out for secret binges. Does she mean eat in broad daylight for my friends and family to witness? I'm uncomfortable.
So yesterday I decided to honor this by eating exactly what I wanted when I wanted. I wanted 2 donuts. This has secretely been a binge pleasure, I pick up the donuts and eat them in private. But yesterday I went into the dunkin donuts and ordered my 2 donuts and ate them right there. I can't tell you how many fears about this I had. My mind immediately thought that everyone would judge me. That I have no right to be eating donuts. That everyone would know that I'm an..... EATER! And they would judge me. But I did it. I went in and ordered a lemon donut and a boston kreme. And some guy standing next to me said "boston kreme is the best." It ignited terror in me that he said that. I was noticed! I was caught! But I went on with it. I sat down and ate my 2 donuts and it was good. They were very fresh. Afterwards I looked around and saw a bunch of people sitting around eating donuts and coffee. Lots of women too. I didn't feel amazing, but at least I didn't feel like an alien, I doubt anyone actually judged me. I judged myself. It was good. I wasn't hungry for anything else the rest of the night but I ate anyway, because I thought I had to.
Wannabe I feel so close to you, I just wanted you to know that. I've been reading Overcoming Overeating for the last day or so and I've found that I do the same things. I haven't been honoring my hunger but trying to push through it. What your therapist recommended is exactly what the authors of OO recommend. I've been trying to mimic how thin women eat- I'm 375 pounds of muscle, bone, and fat. If I tried to eat like a skinny person I'd go crazy! What I'm trying to do right now is to honor my hunger and cravings- I just ate chocolate ice cream at 11am- after eating yogurt and berries at 10am. I was hungry for it and it feel great right now- truly free.
I'm trying to nurture myself. I was caught by surprise when you were talking about how angry, lonely, frustrated, etc. that you feel. You have a husband, a baby, and live in NYC. I looked at your life and was jealous because I'm single and childless. The truth is that even if I magically had everything I wanted it wouldn't stop my self hatred. That isn't caused by stuff outside, but by stuff inside. Instead of feeling angry or fat because I ate ice cream I'm trying to look at it as what it is- I'm working on undoing all the damage of dieting and self loathing that I've experienced during my 27 years of life.
I'm going to do what OO and your therapist recommends. I'm giving up the scale, giving up the diet mentality completely. I'm going to work on loving my body and sucking the marrow out of life. Life is too ****ing short to worry and push myself about losing weight. I'm going to focus on the process and not the results. Don't feel bad about yourself- IE isn't a diet you can fail. Love yourself and honor your body's signals. Tell your brain to shut up!
P.S. - OO has this to say about 'normal': "We define 'normal' as eating when you're hungry, what you're hungry for, and stopping when you've had enough." It seems entirely based on you and your body rather than anybody else. Hope this helps.
An eating disorder can afflict anyone, even a married mother living in the most exciting city on the planet. Problems are everywhere and in everyone. It's easy to look at someone and think they've got it all, but that person is looking at someone else and thinking the exact same thing. We're all miniscule and plagued by our own demons. L'Wren Scott had a great career, a famous boyfriend, lots of money and was a model. She committed suicide. No matter what we have, we all have to live within the confines of our inner selves and those look alike more than what our outsides do.
WOW Wannabeskinny! Please know you are not alone in your feelings at all. Your posts are soooo my thoughts exactly. I pat you on the back for being able to eat those donuts in public because at this point that is something I could not do. My mentality...they are a forbidden food that fat people should not be eating....if I eat one I should do it privately because I don't "deserve" one. Yeah, I have a lot of issues as well.
Thank you sooo much for posting how your meeting went. It's so good to know I am not alone. This IE stuff is hard work for sure!
I wasn't hungry for breakfast today. For lunch I ate homemade antipasto salad with salami, prosciutto, and mozzarella. Then half an hour later I realized I was still hungry so I ate a bowl of fruit loops. I'm learning that my body is a weirdo, lol.
The scale says I lost weight this week. A lot of weight. I was shocked. I'm not making weight loss a priority, I'm just trying to feed myself mindfully and listen to my body. I guess that even though I'm satisfied I'm eating a lot less than I used to. I don't feel like I'm eating less; I feel like I'm pigging out because I'm eating "fat" foods... but I must be eating less. So yeah this is wonderful and I'm trying to be kind to myself and love my body. It's hard but I think it's worth it.
Hi all! One more girl in the club I am new to 3FC and Intuitive Eating. I have experimented with it before, but never stuck with it. I used to approach it more like a legal way of binging and overeating than a lifetime change. But, I am back for good. I stocked up with lots of restricted foods for the first time in...well many years. Previously, I would throw everything out after the binge was over and promise myself to never do it again. I guess, you've been there too. Anyway, my first few days were not very good - I was eating cookies for breakfast, sweets for lunch and deserts after a meal when I already felt full. I hope it is just a phase and I will soon get over it. I have been spending a lot of time at home recently, which does not help, but will be back to work in a week and then I know that the routine will help me. I made a mistake yesterday - I had a glass of wine with dinner and then another one and another one... Not only it increases my appetite, it also makes me more likely to binge the next day. And so today I started with breakfast of mango, cookies, halva and some trail mix. Definitely ate too much, but I am trying not to beat myself and just wait until I get hungry. In theory I should simply not get hungry for longer. The hard part is to actually stay calm and not start eating because it is time for lunch or just because I want to. Wish me luck
Good morning ladies. I have been doing a fair amount of surfing and ran into another very interesting blog on the IE topic. I can't post links but you can search on the gal and find it Isabel Foxen Duke is her name. With all the discussion on what is "normal" here is her take in it extracted from the blog entries...
What does “normal” eating even mean?
So the first question that usually comes out of people’s mouths when I say the phrase “normal eating,” is something along the lines of “what does ‘normal’ eating even mean?”
Like, most of us “get” that there are people in the world who
don’t really think about food,
and just eat what they want,
and naturally end up eating an “appropriate” amount food without really trying,
because they don’t really care about food that much to begin with.
but we don’t understand how.
“What are they doing that I’m not?!”
“I don’t understand people like that!”
It took me a really long time to understand and emulate “normal eaters,” and that’s because I was approaching “trying to be normal” in all the wrong ways.
I was trying to control myself, trying to do something different with food, trying to “eat when hungry and stop when full” or whatever other way I was trying to “do” normal eating.
But the reality of the situation is, “normies” aren’t doing “normal eating.”
There’s no “way” they’re eating, that you haven’t heard of before.
There’s no “trick” they’re employing, that you’ve never heard of.
They’re not doing anything.
“Normal eating” isn’t something a person does, it’s something a person thinks. Furthermore, “normal eating” is not defined by how or what a person eats, but rather, by how one feels about themselves.
If you’re “okay” with how you’re eating, how you’re eating is “okay.”
Conversely, If you’re “not okay” with how you’re eating, how you’re eating becomes “not okay.”
(And we all know what happens when we cross that line of “not okay.” All **** seems to break loose.)
The point is, it’s how you feel about what you’re eating that makes the difference, not what you’re eating in and of itself.
When you judge your performance around food — when you decided that there’s an imaginary line in the sand where “okay” ends, and “not okay” begins — you will inevitably cross that line, and probably lose your ****.
“Normies” don’t have a line to cross. If they eat a big dinner, they eat a big dinner. No big deal. If they have a cupcake in the middle of the day for no reason, they eat a cupcake and move on with their lives. If they eat an entire bag of chips in a sitting, they eat the bag and then think “ughg I need water,” and get over it.
What they eat has NO bearing on their self-esteem. It means nothing.
THAT is the difference between “Normies” and Emotional Eaters — it’s not what their doing, it’s how they feel about what their doing.
Last edited by CindySunshine; 03-23-2014 at 07:57 AM.
Welcome CinnamonApples. When you eat meals are you doing so in a distraction free environment? I find it is much harder to overeat when I am simply eating my food and enjoying it- slowly and mindfully.
Thank you all for welcoming me I am glad I decided to join!
@Locke - I am working on that. I do have a tendency to eat in front of my laptop, but I am trying to stop doing that and just focus on the food. Usually it is much better when I am very busy and don't have much time to munch all day long, but whenever I am alone and especially if I have to do something I don't like, I opt for eating. Then eating without distractions is still better than doing something boring. Well, not that it is really better, just more pleasurable in that moment. Funny how awareness is not enough to change one's behaviour. Isn't it silly? Knowing what is best for you and still not doing it? Rhetorical question
Thank you all for welcoming me I am glad I decided to join!
@Locke - I am working on that. I do have a tendency to eat in front of my laptop, but I am trying to stop doing that and just focus on the food. Usually it is much better when I am very busy and don't have much time to munch all day long, but whenever I am alone and especially if I have to do something I don't like, I opt for eating. Then eating without distractions is still better than doing something boring. Well, not that it is really better, just more pleasurable in that moment. Funny how awareness is not enough to change one's behaviour. Isn't it silly? Knowing what is best for you and still not doing it? Rhetorical question
Yes I've been home for the last several days because I haven't been feeling well. I've also been trying to make revisions to my master's thesis. It's amazing how thoughts of candy bars and ice cream can distract me from my work. Yes, writing always feels a little bit better with chocolate ice cream but then again what doesn't? For me it's hardest when I'm just getting a little bit hungry. When I'm satisfied I don't find the fact that there are chocolates and snacks around distracting but when I'm just getting a little bit hungry I keep having to think "Am I hungry now? Is this just mouth hunger? My tummy just gurgled and I want chocolate but I don't know..." etc. etc. I've also been finding that my body doesn't feel good when I eat too much sugar. Sure that bowl of chocolate ice cream hits the spot now but then a little while later I can feel my heart start to beat faster from the sugar and I just don't feel well. It's like I'm a toddler and learning how to eat all over again. Baby steps!
Yes I've been home for the last several days because I haven't been feeling well. I've also been trying to make revisions to my master's thesis. It's amazing how thoughts of candy bars and ice cream can distract me from my work. Yes, writing always feels a little bit better with chocolate ice cream but then again what doesn't? For me it's hardest when I'm just getting a little bit hungry. When I'm satisfied I don't find the fact that there are chocolates and snacks around distracting but when I'm just getting a little bit hungry I keep having to think "Am I hungry now? Is this just mouth hunger? My tummy just gurgled and I want chocolate but I don't know..." etc. etc. I've also been finding that my body doesn't feel good when I eat too much sugar. Sure that bowl of chocolate ice cream hits the spot now but then a little while later I can feel my heart start to beat faster from the sugar and I just don't feel well. It's like I'm a toddler and learning how to eat all over again. Baby steps!
I swear I could have written this! I am also working on my thesis! And the sugar part too. I hate how I feel when I eat sugar. Sleepy, anxious, heart racing... awful! Yet somehow not bad enough to put me off for good. I did quit sugar before, but recently started to binge and then...well, here I am The more I eat it the more I want, but I am afraid to say no now, because it would be a restriction and we all know how restrictions end. Just need to focus how good it feels to eat well and how bad it feels to eat poorly so that we Want to eat well instead of trying to eat well, because that's what we Should do. Hang in there sister!
