There's an old folk tale (proven untrue literally, but it's still true metaphorically) that if you throw a frog in boiling water, it will hop out, but if you gradually heat the water, the frog will fall asleep and boil to death without noticing.
Metaphorically, I've been that frog.
Many of you have heard me sing the praises of TOPS (taking off pounds sensibly), but I'm considering dropping out of my TOPS group, because of the "boiling water" my husband pointed out.
I talked hubby into going to my group with me, and he really made me take a good, hard look at some of the bad habits of our group.
I had noticed some of these, but they worsened so gradually that I barely noticed them happening.
It all started innocently enough with a monthly blind auction fund-raiser in which members bring a wrapped gift and give only a clue for other members before the bidding starts. The clues are usually very cryptic, so you truly rarely have any idea what you're bidding on.
The game is fun, and often hilarious (such as when toilet paper or a dirty mop ends up being the prize), but slowly over time, more and more food (and unhealthy food to boot) is showing up in the auction.
At the last auction, I asked if out of courtesy, folks could include in their clue whether or not the item is edible (like several people in the group hubby and I have diabetes or other blood sugar issues, and I'm allergic to wheat).
This idea was promptly shot down by the more vocal members of the group, and it never even made it to a vote (I can't tell you what the majority thought only what those who spoke out thought).
The best "suggestion" was to give the item away if you won it and didn't want it.
Now lest you think I'm over-reacting over a small piece of candy or two, the "prize" that inspired me to make the suggestion was 4 dozen muffins (and not small muffins, giant grapefruit-sized muffins. Who in a weight loss club needs 4 dozen grapefruit-sized muffins).
Technically, this could be considered a national bylaw violation and our group could lose it's charter for such things. Although you could argue that the fund-raiser is not part of the meeting, but an optional and seperate event.
However, food is invading the meetings too (which is a direct charter violation). People bring in their dinners to eat after their weigh-in (many of whom are eating their first meal of the day at 5pm to be lighter for their weigh-in no doubt), and even that I don't mind.
However, something innocent has become not-so. After a presentation on dark chocolate in which everyone was given a very small piece, the "excess" ended up in a basket to be given away to those who lost weight that next week after their weigh-in. Not only is the basket continually being refilled, it's been refilled with less healthful and larger pieces of chocolate, and now everyone who weighs in (not just those who've lost) are offerred a piece of chocolate.
I've done my best to suggest we change these practices, but it's apparent that I'm alone in this or that those not speaking up aren't as willing as I am to stick their neck out. I actually suspect it's the latter, because I'm not the first person to suggest changes. Our leader has brought the topic up, saying that someone came to her in confidence (that is, didn't want their name mentioned) and the response was the same, essentially "we like how things are."
I've already left hubby off the hook and told him that he doesn't have to go to any more meetings with me. He tells me he gets absolutely nothing from the meetings (and I can see why) and he's also telling me he's in danger of telling the folks what he thinks of their practices (hubby has no tact. If he did so, we both would probably not be welcome back).
Oh and one more detail, and perhaps the clincher - the scale doesn't work right and the "big, alpha dogs" in the group (the folks who've been there the longest and seem to carry the most clout) believe that weight balance doctor's scales are infallible (one person saying "there's nothing to break").
I tried to explain that the old balance beam scales do in fact need regular maintenance and callibration because the springs stretch out - but again no one is listening to me.
The scale is so unreliable that hubby last meeting initially registered a 15 lb loss, and when he told the weight recorder he knew that to be untrue, the second weighing showed a 1 or 2 lb gain. When we got home, and he weighed on our scale (which has always been dead-on accurate with our doctor's scale) he showed a 4 lb loss.
Hubby has poor balance so it's a problem he can have on any scale (he can't stand still enough on the scale) but generally there's an error margin of a couple pounds, not almost 20.
I've noticed severe discrepancies for my own weight as well. Usually I will tell the weight recorder what I believe my weight to be, and darned if she doesn't set the scale at that amount and it will balance (usually). However, if I don't tell her what weight I saw at home, I'm likely to get a reading two or three pounds off.
The meeting topics are also getting stranger and stranger. While anyone can lead a meeting, on any topic they choose, topics are getting a bit cultishly crazy. People are bringing in questionable articles (and by articles, I mean the spam chainletters that end up on the snopes urban legend site)
and reading them as gospel.
When one topic was artificial sweeteners being poison, and another listing foods that supposedly had "negative" calorie values, I tried to point out (as tactfully as I could) that these claims were unproven, you would have thought I'd killed Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth fairy all in one fell swoop.
Wow, didn't expect this to turn into a rant (so I may have answered my own question - you know the one I haven't asked yet).
I just hate to give up on this group or these people. They are very nice folks, and I definitely felt very comfortable in the group when I first started (and the other groups in town were not so comfortable a fit for various reasons).
I have only a few options. Stick with the group and ignore the flaws (or report them to national headquarters). Or continue to point them out (and become more unpopular with the group. Gather and create my own group, and/or leave the group and find something else. Try groups further away, or try some other options including weekly weigh-ins with my doctor (for me a weekly weigh-in out of the home is especially useful).
I don't think I have the resources right now to get a new group started. In December or January our YMCA is offering a 14 week weight loss course that includes a 30 minute exercise class (modifiable for all fitness levels), and I'm thinking of doing that instead. I don't know whether to stick it out in my group until then, or disconnect now before things get worse (I frankly don't see them getting better).
I love the ideals and goals of TOPS, but my chapter has lost sight of those goals.
I sort of feel like I'm leaving a sinking ship. On one hand I don't want to desert my fellow-passengers, but I don't want to go down with the ship, either.
I haven't lost much weight this year at all. And while that's not the group's "fault" neither has the group been as inspirational to me as it has been in the past.
I would probably report them anonymously. They don't seem to know what they're doing, and I hate it when people spread misinformation (such artificial sweeteners causing cancer.) I can't see the point in staying if they aren't helping you with your weightloss, so I would probably leave if things didn't change. If I was constantly exposed to chocolate and other sweets, I would find that it would cause serious problems for my weightloss.
I have never been to TOPS but from what you are saying this group is counter productive to weight loss. They seem to have lost their focus and have morphed into a social club. I would leave the group. I would check into the Y program. Good luck.
I too haven't been in a TOPS group, but I can relate.
A few years back, I used to attend a Pokemon Card League (different spectrum, but stay with me). It was really fun, and I had a few friends with me at the same time. But steadily, the amount of adult players (at least over 20, some even with their own kids at the league as well!) increased and everything got more competitive. It came down to if you didn't have a specific type of deck, then you couldn't win. Technically, no rules were being broken, but me and my friends stopped going because it wasn't fun anymore.
If I were you, I would quit going. The only way anything's gonna change is if they realize they're losing members (or not gaining members) because of their practices. There are cool people who you'll have to leave behind, but if you like them enough, then your friendship will last outside of this group.
i wouldnt waste my valuable time on something that wasn't helpful or fun anymore...and if i found something MORE helpful or fun, i would probably invite my fellow sinking-ship members to come with me
Some things can be forgiven... but having junk food at a weight loss group? I think that's being counter productive if you ask me. Also, as you've already pointed out... your weight loss has slowed. Yes, not their fault... but they aren't helping either and that IS the whole reason for a support group in the first place.
I think the important thing is that this does not feel like a comfortable place anymore and the wrongdoing seems to have interfered with something you and your hubby could share .... plus inconveniencing your weight loss (stress does not help).
It is lovely to be part of a group that shares your aims and aspirations and are of the same mind. After all this is why you join a group and, even taking the natural character differences into account, at bedrock you participate because of the ethos. Once that changes or because of your awareness the group ceases to provide what you need from it and you become alienated and excluded.
The group has changed in a way that is becoming stressful and inappropriate to what you want or need and perhaps, sadly, you truly do need to find another safe and happy place that provides for you. Hopefully something you can again share with your husband.
Maybe your time with this group has run its course and you have "outgrown" them?
The trouble with groups is that there are always the very vocal and the not-so-vocal whether it is weight loss or self defence or bible study!
Is it feasible or "the done thing" to start up your own group with a similar remit but a different approach? As far as I am aware TOPS doesn't exist in the UK but I stand to be corrected if anybody knows of one.
How strange! I was in a TOPS group way back in the 1960s and left for the very same reason. Aside from the food, there was the shaming. If you gained weight you got to take home a big plastic pig and were to take it with you for the whole week. Sure hope that practice has disappeared from the group. (I did get some really yummy high-calorie recipes though!)
I would report even if you choose to stay or not. It's harming others weight loss as well as yours. Sweets should not be a reward. Nor is any other kind of junk food. It's a bad environment.
Thanks everyone. You're all right, and I knew it before I asked, I think. It just helps to hear it from outside my own head, sometimes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mountain walker
Maybe your time with this group has run its course and you have "outgrown" them?
The trouble with groups is that there are always the very vocal and the not-so-vocal whether it is weight loss or self defence or bible study!
Is it feasible or "the done thing" to start up your own group with a similar remit but a different approach? As far as I am aware TOPS doesn't exist in the UK but I stand to be corrected if anybody knows of one.
There are chapters world-wide, including the UK (I'm pretty sure. Several years ago, I checked for an online friend from Ireland. As I recall their were a few groups scattered across Brittain, but not in Ireland), but the vast majority of them are in the United States and Canada.
As to this situation:
Normally I am one of the more vocal members in any group, and that may be the problem. It's rare for me to feel intimidated, maybe it's because most of the members are significantly older than I am, and for the most part I respect them too much to argue as stringently as I might otherwise. I also suspect that I held back because of hubby's presence, because I was fearful of what he would have to say.
On the day that I suggested that folks prewarn members if their auction gift contained food, and it got shot down so quickly, hubby patted my hand and whispered loudly, "that was a great idea." Just by the tone in his voice, I decided not to press the matter, or things could have gotten ugly. Hubby is not only more vocal than I am (one of the reasons I married him was because I'd never met anyone who could out-talk me. Finally I had someone who could go toe to toe with me in any discussion, argument, or debate).
What I didn't know at the time is that two or three members were eating actively throughout the whole meeting that day. One woman was apparently eating a candy bar and another had some sort of snack hidden under her purse, and she would periodically reach under the bag and sneak the treat into her mouth.
Apparently this also wasn't the first meeting hubby had noticed this kind of eating. I had no idea how angry this was making him, I just noticed that he was getting angrier and angrier about attending the meetings with me. Turns out he was holding back on my account, because he said "If I opened my mouth, neither of us would have been welcomed back."
As to my starting a new chapter, that is also a possibility. Anyone, anywhere can start a chapter so long as you have a group of at least four (because you need someone to be leader, co-leader, treasurer, and secretary). I may consider trying to start my own group in the Spring (my health problems are too unpredictable in winter).
There is also a small group in the area, I might join. From the impression I got when I visited that group was that it was primarily a weigh-in only group. I'm waiting to see when the YMCA class meets, because the last session was on Monday nights and that would conflict with that group. The new schedule will be out at the YMCA by Thanksgiving. The course is 14 weeks long, and I believe three sessions of the are available each year, which would be 45 classes per year, with a 2 to 3 week break between sessions. I'll have to ask to make sure I'm correct in these assumptions. The cost averages about $8 per session, so it's also quite reasonable. (TOPS for me averages $8 per month, but the cost is meaningless if I'm not getting anything out of the group).
Hubby is encouraging me to take the YMCA class, because (in his words), "At least, the people running the group might actually know more, or at least as much, about weight loss as you do."
I appreciate his loyalty, and I know he's right, like everyone here has been too. It's not always easy to do what I know is right, but it's the only way to feel good about my choice, so it's time to take the hard step.
Yeah this is the reason I don't go to the one in my town (we went when I was in high school). They now go out to eat together after every meeting. Some even called it a "Controlled cheat" ei, the maintainers shame you based on what you order.
How strange! I was in a TOPS group way back in the 1960s and left for the very same reason. Aside from the food, there was the shaming. If you gained weight you got to take home a big plastic pig and were to take it with you for the whole week. Sure hope that practice has disappeared from the group. (I did get some really yummy high-calorie recipes though!)
Which reminds me of another grievance with the group. A couple months ago the leader brought in a "wooden nickel" on a week that she had gained a lot, and she suggested that we give it to the biggest gainer for the week (which was her) to take home as "inspiration."
I didn't realize it until now, but it's another thing that never went to a vote. Rather a "consensus" was taken, but not by count. There were fewer and quiter voices arguing against the idea, so it was passed without taking either a private or even a hand-showing vote (at least I don't remember there being a hand-showing vote, but I KNOW there wasn't an anonymous vote).
Thinking on it, all of these things I've complained about should have been decided by anonymous voting.
All in all, I'm just happier and happier with my decision.
I know I'm way late with this, but that's the thing about a lot of TOPS chapters . . . they often become peer-pressured social groups that can fall into denial over bad habits and outright rule-breaking.
I was nominated and elected into being the co-leader of my chapter last year. For the most part it's been an enjoyable experience, and I've appreciated the fact that I now have more of a say than I had the previous years (not just due to my status, but due to my newly-found confidence and having a better grip over my anxieties). I initially walked into a group that had more food functions than should have been allowed (two per year is the limit) and a lot of spread misinformation about healthy eating in general. I remember being shocked that someone brought in chocolate-covered potato chips. Let me repeat that once again: chocolate-covered potato chips. Another member always brought in KFC for our pot-lucks! And people looked at me funny when I explained the chili pasta dish I'd brought in was whole-grain and made with turkey instead of beef (while I know not everyone can have whole-grain and what-not, at least I was trying).
We've elected a new leader since then (the former leader is a lovely lady but much more relaxed than perhaps she should have been) and she is much more strict about following the rules, thankfully. And when we have the occasional pot-luck/food function everyone is encouraged to bring something healthy. No more chocolate-covered potato chips and KFC!
I still have my trying moments though, as one of our officers is quite the Negative Nelly and shoots down all sorts of constructive ideas. She's already attempted to ruin two contests by speaking out against them; her opinion and all I guess, but I don't think the way she's complaining is helpful to the group in any way (she recently threw a fit over the way a private voting turned out the previous week because she disagreed with the outcome). She also complains rather loudly that losing weight is a hopeless cause (which makes me wonder why she keeps returning) and is quick to snap at people that try to be encouraging.
There's also a group of ladies that like to go out to eat after the meeting, and in recent months I've decided to join them. It's a little exasperating because these are the very same ladies that have been watching me lose and have been asking for my advice. While I refuse to be the food police and try not to be judgmental, I cringe when I see what they order; fully loaded dishes often 1200 calories or more . . . and I swear they look at me funny when I make special orders/requests, get the smallest portions, and/or pack half of it to take home.
A couple of months ago we had our annual Fall Rally, where all the chapters of the area meet up for contests and motivation. Oh, and a really big pot luck buffet. People were asked to bring healthy dishes (thankfully) but I wouldn't say they all were. And one of the members seated next to me began to loudly point out that we were supposed to be watching our weight but LOOK HOW HIGH EVERYONE'S PLATES ARE PILED UP. I calmly and politely told her that everyone there was a grown-up that is allowed to make their own decisions, and nobody had the right to act as the food police. She immediately apologized. And I was sort of glad I was there, because I doubt anyone else would have said anything to her about it.
I've had to ask myself if all the exasperation is worth where I'm at now, and in my case, it is. Mostly because this group has been good for me socially (I've had a lot of difficulties making friends since I've moved to this part of the country due to my severe anxieties), because I need that accountability of weighing in every week, and because it's the only place I have right now where I can discuss weight-loss with people in real life. I love being supportive of others when I can and it's also a chance for me to lead by example. I love the contests and they've been a great motivator for me! We've never had food rewards for those and given the position I'm in right now I'd definitely speak up if it ever became an issue.
I'm guessing you'll feel a lot better about the group at the Y, and as you've mentioned, perhaps you'd be much better off starting your own chapter once you're feeling up to it. It stinks that your current chapter has welcomed shaming in the form of a wooden nickel and that they're allowing food to be a regular part of the meetings, the very thing that everyone is struggling to control. But it is what it is, and it doesn't sound like the leaders are properly handling decisions.
Is it time to jump out of the water
