You all seem to have pretty awesome advice regarding pretty much everything, so I'd like to get your take on something. Forgive me for rambling, I just need to get it all out.
I'm in a relationship (very happily, I might add) with a wonderful man. Unfortunately, he's at Naval training back in the US and I moved to Japan for work around the time he started boot camp. It gets lonely, well, pretty often, but I'm willing to keep at it because he's just so amazing to me...constantly.
Little bit of background, I live in the middle of nowhere in Japan. There are very few foreigners here that aren't working in factories until strange hours of the night and day, and very few opportunities to socialize because I have no car and everything in this prefecture is super spread out...I have other friends in the country, but they're a minimum of 3 hours by train away. With that in mind, I was ecstatic when I met someone in a similar situation a few weeks ago at a water park. He's a nice guy, and we've had a lot of fun the times that we've hung out...the only issue is that he has a thing for me and is none too shy about letting me know how beautiful he thinks I am despite my objections.
I thought that I'd made it 100% clear the first time we met that I was spoken for. I talked about my boyfriend at length because he was talking about missing his friends back home and there's no one that I miss quite as much as my guy. I told him that I was looking forward to the possibility of my guy getting leave and visiting me next month.
Fast forward to yesterday...the friend and I went for a hike. I was having a blast. We found a waterfall and he pretended like he was going to push me in the water then grabbed me and gave me a hug. Hugs I don't mind. I give hugs to my guy friends all the time. I didn't think a line was being crossed...until he tried to kiss me. At that point, I turned my head fast enough to wrench my neck a little and reminded him that I had a boyfriend...to which he asked if I was married...when I said no, his response was that "well, if you're not married, you should live. He's not here now. I am." I pushed him away, told him that was wildly inappropriate, and told him that it made me very uncomfortable that he'd say something like that. He tried to defend it at length, and eventually I was frustrated to the point of tears. Seeing that I was really serious about it, he promised to drop the issue and not make any more moves toward me. I had him drive me home...well, not home. I didn't want him near my home at that point, so I had him drop me off at a convenience store. He IMed me later to apologize, but he just called me. For no apparent reason. Just to hear my voice because he was lonely.
I told my boyfriend what happened right away, and he didn't seem to have any input. I don't know whether he was hurt by it or if he was just being his usual quiet self. I don't want to have to give up the only friend I've made, but (more importantly) I don't want to compromise the best relationship I've ever been in. Once again, any advice or input you might have would be greatly appreciated, please and thank you. I hardly slept last night because it was stressing me out so much.
I'm sorry you're lonely. It can be very isolating to be overseas and without a loved one much of the time.
You did the right thing telling your boyfriend promptly and trying to straighten your friend out. And I know you probably don't want to lose his friendship, even with his inappropriate conduct. But for the sake of your relationship I'm going to have to advise that you end contact with your male friend at this point. He has shown he doesn't respect your boundaries and relationship, which is about the only way opposite sex friendships can work and remain platonic.
So your best option, if you love and are not wanting to end your relationship with your boyfriend, is to keep your contact with this friend either completely shelved or very, very limited (on probation, essentially, with him proving himself trustworthy as a friend again) for the sake of your relationship with both men. You don't want to lead one on or hurt the other, and unfortunately all roads are leading there because of your friend's behavior.
I know that isn't good news for your loneliness, but a female might be safer company in the absence of your boyfriend, since this guy friend is showing he can't keep it platonic even when you have expressed it must remain so.
Last edited by Arctic Mama; 07-23-2012 at 05:25 AM.
Thanks...that's about what I was thinking too. I suppose I was looking for a way to have my cake and eat it too, but metaphorical cake is apparently about as bad for my sanity as actual cake is for my diet.
I'm most definitely open to anyone who has magical solutions, but just in case...question 2: how does one end a friendship in a reasonable fashion? Unfortunately all of my previous falling-outs have been explosive and terrible. Even though his lack of respect is the core issue in all of this, I'd still like to be respectful of his feelings.
That is rough. Been there. Done that! And unfortunately, no matter how delicately you tell him that you no longer wish to remain friends, he may well blow up on you unnecessarily. Sigh.
This doesn't sound like a long term friendship, and he overstepped his bounds. I'm not normally one for texting or emailing these type of things, but I say drop him a line and let him know that while you've enjoyed your time together, you no longer feel comfortable. If he gets upset, and should you choose to respond, you could remind him that it was his move that upset the plutonic balance, not yours. Thank him for...whatever...and be done.
There are more friend fish in the sea, no matter how remote of an area. Your guy sounds awesome and if it is ment to be, don't let this ruin it!
i think his response of, "well, if you're not married, you should live. He's not here now. I am." definitely shows he's not a friend worth having around. because, as the other ladies have said, he doesn't seem to respect you or your boundaries.
as far as letting him know you no longer want to remain friends, you could just tell him straight-up that you can't remain in a friendship with him if he's going to continue being inappropriate. or if telling him straight-up doesn't work for you, just let the friendship fade away slowly. keep conversations with him brief, reply to every other of his IMs he sends you, etc.
I think the reason you are having so much trouble with this is because its conflicting for you.
Your friend knows where he stands; he finds you attractive and enjoys your company and wants something other than a platonic relationship. Your boyfriend knows where he stands; he's comfortable with the relationship you built before it was long distance and okay with how things are now. My question is where do you stand?
Long distance relationships are hard, not having the immediate companionship of your significant other can be very lonely, not exactly what a relationship is suppose to offer us.
Seagirl asked some very to the point questions (she always does lol). Maybe you need to look at WHY this is causing you so much conflict.
(Not to make light of your situation, but it sounds like a good plot line for a shoujo manga lol)
I think canadianmomma probably has it down; I've been in (and seen others in) friendships and relationships that aren't good for them because they need or want what the other person is giving them, such as the feeling of being desired or reinforcement of some kind. It never ends well! That's not to say that's necessarily why you're conflicted over this, but I think it's worth spending some time to think about why you are.
As far as "breaking up" with your new friend (there's a good episode of Seinfeld on that), I think honesty is the best approach. Something along the lines of "your advances make me uncomfortable, and I think I need some space" sounds simplest. If he's pushy or emotional, just "walk away" (even if you're not physically near him) and there's no need to engage with his anger. There's also no need to answer his calls!
Oh god...my life sounds like shoujo manga?! I think I've reached a new low...
My boyfriend is trying to get assigned to a base in Japan as soon as humanly possible. Unfortunately, since he's a new recruit, there's bureaucratic nonsense in the way and we have no idea how soon (if ever) that will be possible. If it doesn't look promising, there's a good chance I'll move back to America after my contract is up.
I have absolutely no interest in my friend as anything other than a friend, but I know exactly why I'm conflicted...I've been cheated on in 5 out of my 8 relationships, so the very suggestion gets my hackles up at this point. I want a friend so that I can stop being alone ALL the time. I just want to be able to go places and not be that poor pathetic gaijin (stupid foreigner) that everyone assumes probably stumbled in by accident. At the end of the day I want to go home and tell my boyfriend about my adventures on Skype.
It's just rough because I've gone 4 1/2 months with no one to talk to if I walk away from my computer...
Last edited by Hotaruchan; 07-23-2012 at 09:58 AM.
Do you still want to be his friend? Sounds like you're set on your boyfriend. If this guys can mind his manners, it might be ok to be friends, but only if he's respectful of your relationship..
I'm frightened to post because any time I do post regarding relationships it gets removed
Hear goes anyway... You know what you want and that's to stay true to your bf. Sounds to me like this other guy wants to push the boundaries and the fact is if he was considerate enough and cared for you, he wouldn't push the moves on you. I think he he's looking out for himself and wants more from you. A nice guy would accept that, a sleezeball will keep putting on the moves.
Before he started this, he seemed like a great guy. We had a lot of fun hanging out, but now I feel like my guard is going to be up and it'll be a lot harder to relax around him. I feel bad because his friends are just as far away as mine and I don't know when the next opportunity to connect with someone will be. I was more all right with it after he brought me home with no further comments then IMed an apology, but calling the next day for no reason seems like a bit much...I talked to my guy briefly before and he seemed to be of the opinion that one more chance might be a good idea, but I don't know if he's saying that because he actually thinks that or because he doesn't want me to be alone again. I think for the time being I'm going to try to avoid the friend until I can talk it over better with my boyfriend...he's working on something important today, so it'll probably have to wait until tomorrow night.
He probably feels lonely and you've come along and he's enjoyed being with you, but he runs the risk of losing a friend if he thinks he can get more than friendship from you. Obviously you've felt the pain of being cheated on and you wouldn't put yourself in a situation where you could cause that pain to your boyfriend. I think the friend needs to take his sexual frustrations out with another person or before being with you.
I've had a similar situation in the past where I tried to be friends with someone who was romantically interested in me. It didn't work out because by 'friends', he thought there was a slight possibility that I would change my mind. I had to cut ties completely. Sadly, I think you will need to do the same.
Sticky situation...need advice, please
