If my SO told me that he didn't love me anymore and he's not sure that he ever did; that's a red flag. People say things they might not mean in the heat of an argument but that's a pretty huge statement to make. Double red flag that he flat out refuses to go to marriage counselling. You have to at least try every avenue before throwing in the towel but if he has no interest in therapy then that should tell you something.
Divorce sucks and is WAY worse than any thing any body tells you. My advice to all is that unless there is serious problems (abuse, affairs, etc.) hang on tight and fight like **** for your marriage.
If you really need to know what divorce is like, try a trial separation with RULES like no sex with others to see what it's really like to be divorced. Co parenting, monitary situation, housing, work schedules - all that - are SO difficult without a spouse. Separating also forces couples to become independent instead of codependent. Once you find yourself, it'll be like a brand new love affair coming back to the marriage.
Agree with Fitness's post ^. I recommend "Should I Stay or Should I Go?". It's a book that describes exactly what controlled separation should look like - right down to the contract. Yes, contract. Written expectations and rules and timeframes. It provides a rational framework for trying out some time apart, without any sort of pre-determined outcomes. And it leaves the lawyers out.
If my SO told me that he didn't love me anymore and he's not sure that he ever did; that's a red flag. People say things they might not mean in the heat of an argument but that's a pretty huge statement to make. Double red flag that he flat out refuses to go to marriage counselling. You have to at least try every avenue before throwing in the towel but if he has no interest in therapy then that should tell you something.
I wish you two the best of luck.
I agree with you. Divorce was easy for me, for the most part, even with custody, etc. I just celebrated my three year divorce-aversary last weekend and it was just a reminder of how happy I am now. Being a single mom is hard, but being married to someone who made me feel angry and emotional was harder.
Try counseling I hope it works for you. I was married before and I lost tha connection as well it became a room mate deal, but it turned out he was cheating so I lost it for a reason I suppose. If you can salvage your marriage do so, but you must think of your happiness as well
I am confused about the direction of some of these posts...
I think we need to remember that the OP said her SO was a good guy...a good dad and, although he said something really stupid, probably from being hurt or angered....
he spent the next few weeks trying to make-up for it.
Feelings come and go...
good guys/gals...dads/moms don't always come around that often.
I have only seriously thought of leaving my husband once and that is when he refused to help me bring our baby to the hospital when he was very ill (I don't speak the language here). So to me, that was really a breaking point.
I really got back to the root of the problem and that was letting things get into disconnect, so much so that resentment built up and once terrible situation got things going.
So instead of talking, crying, yelling, we went out for dinner. We made love. We left our son (he was fine, it was laryngitis and his oxygen treatment fixed it asap) with grandpa and reconnected.
We dated, like teenagers, and it really worked things out. Talking, "communication", IMO can be very over-rated. Sometimes the problem can be as simple as too much talking and not enough doing. And we all make mistakes and say hurtful things but talking about it to death can often make things worse and distract from doing.
Go with your gut feeling, it is never wrong. I stayed married fro 21 years to a total arse and "for the kids" sake. What a waste of time....I have been divorced 8 years come July 22. Have never been happier and met the man of my dreams last summer. Yes, getting divorce is total h*ll. You have to work through a LOT...mine was financially and emotionally. It all works out for the best. Mostly you get to find out who YOU really are and please do not just settle in a relationship to just have someone. Set yourself some goals for you and for who you really want to be in a relationship with. If he is not willing to try to save the marriage with counseling or coming to a compromise about doing things with you, it makes me wonder about the relationship.
Relationships are like weight loss. Sometimes we're motivated; sometimes we're not. But are we COMMITTED?
I have fallen in love with my husband three times since the day we met. There have been many times that I was completely convinced we'd just hit our "end of the road" and should probably just kiss & say goodbye. But for many different reasons, I just kept staying. He is a wonderful man! Sweet, funny, handsome, hard worker, etc. But there are times when I look at him & wonder "WTF ARE YOU!?!??!?!" - and believe me, those times are a kick in my own arse.
We've been married 19 years; no children, & 4 pets. We have basically nothing in common except some music & movies. He's a sports nut - I couldn't care less for sports. He's a "sit on the couch & watch football" all day on Sunday... I'm a "hey! let's go to that new place downtown & see what's going on!" kinda gal. He works outside & is on his feet most of the day. I'm inside & on my butt most of the day. Come weekends, he wants to be inside on his butt & I wanna be outside doing SOMETHING.
I'm 8 years older than him; we met when he was 21 & I was 29. Almost a decade between us. That matters! - and yet, it makes no difference.
Because... somehow.... "we" work. Our relationship is kinda weird in some ways (according to some!) but 19 years speaks for itself. It's not always easy, it's not always hard - there are ebbs & flows. There are times when I think "Ok, this relationship has really found it's ending." I contemplate leaving. I daydream about a new & different life. I think that's normal.
But I don't leave. WHY? Mainly because - I'M COMMITTED. I know that things aren't always moonbeams & butterflies. Sometimes he can get on my last **** nerve & I want to throttle him! But sometimes he is the most wonderful awesome person I know. I realize that's true of anyone.
If your spouse won't go to counseling with you, then you should go by yourself. You can learn techniques and ideas to help you deal with your own inner turmoils. Believe it or not, a person's actions are quite often only REactions to what someone else has said, done, etc. So if you learn a different way to communicate, perhaps he will too, and your relationship may be better for it.
Also know that yes, sometimes people grow apart & never seem to be able to "grow together" again. That's OK too. If you decide it's time to separate, then try to do so amicably. Try to remain friends. Just because a relationship ends doesn't mean it was never real to begin with, and you've spent some wonderful years together & have two awesome kids to prove it.
~peace to you~
I could have written this! Except different descriptions - but same thing - committed.
I think we think we will be "in love" always. No, you're not and that's OK. But you can still 'love' that person at some level - love how he is as a dad or something.
I too have fallen in and out of love with my husband over the years and I know he's done the same, but we have one big thing in common even though so many other things we don't. We are committed to each other and so we will work on things and work through the doldrums even when we don't want to at the moment. Then, when the 'better times' roll around again, we hardly can remember why we were in the negative "not sure if I love you" moments.
And I agree as well that if ONE person helps themselves it can feed the other in the relationship. My husband is a no therapy kind of guy too, but whenever I've 'helped myself' either through counseling or a self-help phase, it helps both of us. A spiral down is reversed by a spiral up. All of a sudden the things he wouldn't do that meant a lot to me, he'll now do because he's feeling better about the relationship because I'm feeling better about things and then it goes onward from there.
Just realize ALLLLL healthy, good relationships go through tough spots - all of them. it's normal.
I may be old fashion here, but I flat out don't believe couples should get divorced if there are young kids involved unless there is abuse or fighting (that the kids see) all the time.
I really think people need to put their own personal desires and emotional fulfillment aside until kids are old enough to handle a divorce. (when they're 18 maybe.)
I know that many people won't agree with that, but the emotional stress divorce puts on kids far outweighs any issues the parents may be having because they just don't find they love each other anymore. Like I said, unless there's some sort of abuse, I'd tough it out and put my son first before me.
I may be old fashion here, but I flat out don't believe couples should get divorced if there are young kids involved unless there is abuse or fighting (that the kids see) all the time.
I really think people need to put their own personal desires and emotional fulfillment aside until kids are old enough to handle a divorce. (when they're 18 maybe.)
I know that many people won't agree with that, but the emotional stress divorce puts on kids far outweighs any issues the parents may be having because they just don't find they love each other anymore. Like I said, unless there's some sort of abuse, I'd tough it out and put my son first before me.
In CT we have mandatory parenting classes for divorces with children to learn how to co-parent. I distinctly remember the therapists saying that the least impact age of children is under two years old. I'm so glad I didn't wait another 16 years to get out of that. That was me putting my child first. My needs happened to come in at a close second.
"he flat out told me he didn't love me anymore and wasn't sure if I ever did...."
did you mean to write "wasn't sure if HE ever did"? or that he wasn't sure if you ever loved him?
either way, there's a possibility that he's (majorly) picking up on your emotional turmoil as regards to him, the life you've built together, and your own life. heavy stuff for a guy -- or anyone -- to handle.
maybe you can get to know this new guy, with your new self, try new things together and grow in some new ways together. he may be more open to that than you might think, especially with some patient and kind urging. when people feel threatened, they can lash out in anger and/or fear.
just some thoughts.
(PS I don't necessarily think his resistance to going into couples therapy is indicative of anything, not everyone is comfortable going that route)
Last edited by dragonwoman64; 05-30-2012 at 03:48 PM.
I may be old fashion here, but I flat out don't believe couples should get divorced if there are young kids involved unless there is abuse or fighting (that the kids see) all the time.
I really think people need to put their own personal desires and emotional fulfillment aside until kids are old enough to handle a divorce. (when they're 18 maybe.)
I know that many people won't agree with that, but the emotional stress divorce puts on kids far outweighs any issues the parents may be having because they just don't find they love each other anymore. Like I said, unless there's some sort of abuse, I'd tough it out and put my son first before me.
My parents put the kids first. It was a very sad and miserable childhood, why would anyone want to grow up in a home where two parents dont' like each other or love each other. You don't need fighting in front of them or abuse for them to quickly learn that you stay with an unhappy relationship no matter what.
With all due respect, it still sickens me to this day that my mother spent so long in a loveless marriage "for me". What an awful way to feel responsible for someone else's misery.
Forcing a child to live in an unhappy marriage and learn from it... no, thats selfish to me.
My parents put the kids first. It was a very sad and miserable childhood, why would anyone want to grow up in a home where two parents dont' like each other or love each other. You don't need fighting in front of them or abuse for them to quickly learn that you stay with an unhappy relationship no matter what.
With all due respect, it still sickens me to this day that my mother spent so long in a loveless marriage "for me". What an awful way to feel responsible for someone else's misery.
Forcing a child to live in an unhappy marriage and learn from it... no, thats selfish to me.
My parents put the kids first. It was a very sad and miserable childhood, why would anyone want to grow up in a home where two parents dont' like each other or love each other. You don't need fighting in front of them or abuse for them to quickly learn that you stay with an unhappy relationship no matter what.
With all due respect, it still sickens me to this day that my mother spent so long in a loveless marriage "for me". What an awful way to feel responsible for someone else's misery.
Forcing a child to live in an unhappy marriage and learn from it... no, thats selfish to me.
I'm so sorry for you.
Ironically, I was just sitting down to comment about things like this when an outburst between my sons happened. My oldest son14 came up the stairs where I am and where his 12 year old brother was cowering for protection from him behind me. 12 yo did something bad and wrong. 14 yo was posturing. This is an abuse technique. It is holding your body with or without an object and physically acting like you're going to beat or kill someone.
When I interjected, my 14 yo yelled, "WHAT!? I DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH HIM? WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?"
1st of all, I wasn't yelling. I was telling him to stop and listen to a life lesson, much like I would ask someone to pass the salt.
It took over 5 minutes to get him to stop interjecting and just listen to my calm voice telling him this:
S14, your brother did something wrong. S14, I am the mom, I am home, I am witness to the wrong doing. Let me discipline your brother. What you're doing now is just as wrong. Yes, you didn't hit him. But what you did was more threatening than that. If you treat your brother, your sister, your friend, your girlfriend, your spouse in this manner, it is very very wrong. My job as a mom is to punish your brother and teach you the right way to be.
You know what he replied??
"Mom. I don't get it. Dad says when someone wrongs you, you either beat the crap out of them or threaten them that you will. You're telling me something the exact opposite. It's so F*ed up!!!" and he ran down the stairs.
All I could do was say, "That's why your mom divorced your dad. Live and learn."
OMG, how devistating. My kids are learning my ex's abusive tactics.
I know this is long and I want to get back to OP topic.
The above is why I say, hold on to your marriage unless there is abuse. And then I had also said, Divorce is WAYYY harder than you know. When abuse is involved, you divorce, but the problem never goes away. I not only have my ex (restraining order expired) still abusive, but now I have my sons acting the same way.
Make sure when your ex said he didn't love you that it wasn't to be abusive, that it was just him sharing his true feelings. Abusers say that **** all the time.
