I had an ex suggest that right after he broke up with me. It was hard, I told him I needed a break mainly because all our mutual friends thought it was a crock that he just wanted his cake and eat it. Which did look like that, he was calling me probably more then he did when we were together. After the break he calmed down a lot. He called me once a month then a year later he called to tell me he met his future wife. 2 months later he insisted that I go to his wedding. I did go and it was weird only because her name was Rachel too. LOL
I must say that when he told me about his future wife it did hurt because we were so "In Love" that it made me wonder what was wrong with me that he couldn't commit to me.
Years later dh and I started dating. We happened to run into my ex at church and I introduced them, he later called me telling me that dh wasn't the one. Well dh and I have been married for 9 yrs now....guess he was wrong. LOL
Three yrs after dh and I got married I emailed my ex to update him that dh and I had gotten married and we were (at the time) expecting our first child. He was very happy for us. He told me about his two little girls. From there I ended the conversation as if it would be our last and it was. I still care for him as a friend as I know he does for me but we never became "Best friends" just more like semi-friends. We rarely talked but we never held hard feelings for each other.
The same happened with dh and I, our relationship lasted for a year then we broke up. We never mentioned "friendship" we just parted as usual. We went our separate ways, dating others. A year later he called me just to chat. We met up to chat a couple times for coffee but it was just friends. Then 4 yrs from the day we broke up he started going to my church, he was dating someone so it was a sure thing nothing would happen. We became pretty much best friends, we hung out every single day. This lasted for a year, and it was starting to cause people to wonder if we were dating again, which angered us because we weren't (he had ended his relationship with his girlfriend a couple months before). I brought up my frustration about this and told him we should calm down and just hang out on the weekends, he didn't like this and said he couldn't be without me and from there we decided to take it to the next level and start actually dating and as they say the rest is history. LOL
It is a weird thing, because me and the ex talked yesterday, and I still got a bit weepy. It is so weird because we do love and care for each other on this really deep level. I want him to be happy in his life, as he is a very good person. I feel bad that he is going through a lot of family issues and I worry about him being worn out and stressed.
He says he wants me to focus on treating myself well, and that he thinks of me as a good person. It is so weird...our conversations are that we care for each other, and how great we think each other is, and yet, we aren't together.
I also feel a bit bad because he doesn't want to tell me where his new place is. That is kind of weird. He has been saying for a while, and I believe him, that he is very worn out by the expectations and requests from his family, and that he just wants some space for himself. I totally support this, and wish that he could take a bit of a vacation just for himself to relax, and not have to worry about helping certain people who always stress him with their last minute requests.
What hurts is that when he says he needs to get away from things, and that he hasn't told his family about his new place, it makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, too. If I were in his position, I would probably turn more towards my partner, than away from my partner. I feel like maybe I nagged him too much, or something, and so he is kind of lumping me in the group of people who want things from him. I tried to make the least amount of requests from him when we were together. I only asked for help with things like food, or remembering a birthday. Sigh.
I am glad that he sounded better yesterday. And a bit sad that I wasn't as an accepting person as I could have been.
It is so weird...our conversations are that we care for each other, and how great we think each other is, and yet, we aren't together.
That reminds me of something I told one of my ex's years after we'd broken up and I was married. It was on one of those out of the blue, every few year merry xmas/bday kind of calls.
He'd broken up with someone and was sad.
I had to remind him that there isn't just one "Right One." There are MANY "Right Ones" out there. It is meeting the "Right One at the Right Time."
While it is natural to take time to grieve a relationship, and perhaps possible to be friendly toward ex's... having ex's take up a huge chunk of your time isn't opening up enough room in your life for the Right One at the Right Time to come. Could very well miss the boat just because you weren't paying attention and making the space.
I have taken all of your wonderful advice, and changed how I speak with him. I am also working on not being disappointed when he cancels us meeting. I think he is still dealing with the family stuff that he was dealing with when we were together.
Most of the time I feel ok, other times I feel very, very sad. It hurts when he doesn't respond like he used to. I feel like he is just pulling away more and more. And, if that is what he needs to do to be able to focus on himself and his family, then I am okay with that. I don't want to be any added stress for him. It still hurts a bit, though, and I get all weepy. I think he is doing better in some ways now that he is living somewhere else. It just makes me feel bad at times because it makes me think that I failed a bit in some ways.
I realize that I am NOT really good at dating right now. I need to just focus on making myself feel better and improving myself. I don't want to date right now because I worry that because I feel lonely, I may not notice an issue with a guy that I wouldn't be okay with if I felt better about myself.
I am dealing with the same issue of breaking up with a guy wh, now looking back, would have been better as my friend and not as my BF. Although I would like to stay friends with him, he wants more...... Is it selfish of me to want to keep him as a friend knowing that he wants more and I am denying him????
On the other end of the spectrum I am now seeing someone new...and he sorta has the same case senerio except him and the girl never dated because she wasnt interested and he was...he was for a very long time but he says now she is nothing more then just a friend...I still find myself disliking her even though she is a nice girl, simply put....jealousy. So I wonder if I try to remain friends with my EX if my now BF will have these same feelings and is it wrong for me to make him feel that way because I want to stay friends with my ex? and would it be hipacriticle if he got mad because he is still friends with his crush???
Yikes! that sounds a bit like one of those romantic webs. I think you are right to be cautious, I just wouldnt envy the person too much. I would wonder if the guy was totally over the girl, as your ex is totally over you? If your ex isn't totally over you, and your new bf's female interest is recent, I would probably just take things slow.
My ex has a friend who is beautiful. just so beautiful and more of the kind of personality he likes. he says they tried to get together, but it didn't work out. personally, seeing the kind of guys she is into, I dont think she liked my ex in that way, even though he is great. i always wondered somewhat if she were more his type than I am.
the ex and I talked yesterday and it was hard in some ways. there were big lulls in the conversation. part of the issue is that I want to have a deep conversation and really open up about feelings and thoughts, but since we talk so infrequently, and because he seems stressed, and because he doesn't like to talk about our breakup because I usually end up crying, I avoided talking about anything heavy, and just stayed more upbeat and supportive. I think I am just going to have to keep doing that for a while, until he is at a better place where he is open to talking that way. right now I think he is just overwhelmed with stuff, and going into an emotional conversation would take a lot of energy. Sigh.
