My husband is an only child...he's most laid back, caring and generous person I know So no they are not all spoiled! If they come out that way then it's the parent's doing and not because they are the only child.
It's absolutely possible to have one child who's balanced and not spoiled. My husband and I, if we have children, are planning only one. It all goes into how they're raised....a family with six children can spoil those six as much as a family with one child. If you give in to a child's every single whim, they'll be spoiled. They've got to have boundaries and limitations, and hear the word "NO" sometimes.
See, I agree with this too. But again, my mom DRILLED it into my head that it was impossible to raise an only child correctly. To be honest, my mom was one of those that thought her way was the "right way" to do things, and that I would always do things like her. I feel kinda silly because I am 23 and I am only starting to deal with these demons now. Seems a little late....
While we are on the topic of children... is there anything wrong with only having 1? I know that as a kid, it was also drilled into my head that having only one child was bad because they wind up spoiled. But, personally, if I WAS going to get pregnant, I would only want one. Is it possible to raise an only child to be balanced, and social and un-spoiled? I do have one friend who was an only child... and she is an amazing person and not spoiled at all. And she seems to have a really good relationship with her parents.
I'm an only child and it was great. I was given a lot of attention and things, but I don't feel spoiled. I think that only children try hard to please their parents. I wished for siblings when I was younger, but appreciated being alone as I got older. I think it's harder for me to deal with my children because I was an only. I have a harder time with chaos. I think some parents with only one child indulge in whatever that child wants. I think it's good for kids not to get everything they want.
While we are on the topic of children... is there anything wrong with only having 1? I know that as a kid, it was also drilled into my head that having only one child was bad because they wind up spoiled.
OF COURSE there's nothing wrong with having one!!! (There's nothing wrong with having zero either, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!) There are advantages and disadvantages to whatever number of children you have. Your child will be balanced and social and unspoiled if YOU raise him/her to be balanced and social and unspoiled. My mom and dad and my husband are all only children. And certainly there are families with more than one child, and they're spoiled. It doesn't have anything to do with how many, but how the parents raise them.
Also, I don't know how long you've been married, but there's no rush, right? My husband and I were married 7 years before we had kids and I'm glad we had that time to ourselves. Of course we were married 7 years without kids because I was waiting until I was "prepared" to have kids. Little did I know, nothing can really prepare you. It's like flying to the moon, sure you can hang out in a hyperbaric anti-gravity chamber, but nothing really prepares you.
Last edited by thinpossible; 04-01-2009 at 11:40 AM.
I just realized how young you are. If I can pipe in from my own experience.... I had my oldest when I was 21. It was before I was married and we were way too young. I can see this in retrospect. I really wish I had waited until I was in my later 20s to have kids. I would have like to have had more life experiences and had a better idea of who I was as an adult. I also would have liked to have had more time with my husband where it was just the two of us. I'm only 30 now, but I feel like I've been parenting forever.
There's a lot of social pressure to be "normal," when it comes to marriage and family. I had a lot of pressure from my mom to get married. It got to the point that boys or men she had hated when I was dating them, she'd suggest I "look them up," (even a highschool boyfriend she had "chased" away).
It wasn't that I didn't want to get married, but I wasn't unhappy with my life either, and I certainly wasn't going to ever be so desperate that I was going to marry just to marry.
Neither my mom or my husband's mom is entirely happy with my husband as he is, and after we married - both have tried desperately to get me to "change" my husband (starting with cutting his long hair). I don't get the "marry a man, in order to change him," philosohpy.
They've finally stopped asking about children. Every time they would ask, we would tease them that (because of the medications we're on, and some of the jobs my husband had when he was younger working with dangerous chemicals), we thought that having "mutant children" was just too much trouble.
If you have a large family - people will tell you, you're doing it wrong. If you have a small family with or without children - people will tell you, you're doing it wrong. If you marry young - or old; If you decide that one of you will stay home with the children (regardless of which parent) or not...
There is always someone telling you that there's a better way of doing things than the way you've chosen (we find that with weight loss too, which is why talking about it can be such a minefield).
Mostly, I say nicely "I never thought of it that way," or "I'll give it some thought," as if I respect their opinion (whether or not I do) - mostly because it's the quickest way to shut them up.
All through high school and college I said I didn't want children. It all started to change when my brother and his wife had their first. However, I really don't like children all that much. I never babysat and didn't have much experience with babies. Anyway, after I got married, my DH and I decided that we did want kids. DH at first said he didn't want any until we had a million dollars (so we'd know we could afford one). Had that been the case, we wouldn't have had kids until we were in our 40's! I had my first at 27 and second at 31. And neither of us is unhappy about this.
One thing my DH said soon after my first was born was something to the effect of "if anything were to happen to you, at least I'd still have a part of you." Kind of morbid, but a very nice sentiment all in all.
I just realized how young you are. If I can pipe in from my own experience.... I had my oldest when I was 21. It was before I was married and we were way too young. I can see this in retrospect. I really wish I had waited until I was in my later 20s to have kids. I would have like to have had more life experiences and had a better idea of who I was as an adult. I also would have liked to have had more time with my husband where it was just the two of us. I'm only 30 now, but I feel like I've been parenting forever.
haha, trust me I am in NO RUSH to have kids. This is only something that is coming up because of a possible BC incident. I always told myself I would wait until I am 30, and assuming that I am not pregnant (which I don't think I am) I still plan to wait until I am 30.
That being said... even though I am young, my husband and I have still been together for over 8 years. We started dating when I was 14.
If I did end up having a child, and planning for it, I would want to make sure my husband and I did a lot of the traveling that we want to do. I would also try to make sure we were more financially secure. We still live in an apartment... a nice, big apartment... but it's still an apartment. I would prefer to have a house before I ever had kids.
On the same note, IF I did wind up pregnant from this BC accident... I guess I would just have to think that it was "meant to be." How often do condoms really fail the day before ovulation? the chances are tiny.
If you have a large family - people will tell you, you're doing it wrong. If you have a small family with or without children - people will tell you, you're doing it wrong. If you marry young - or old; If you decide that one of you will stay home with the children (regardless of which parent) or not...
Boy that's the truth. Parenting is a MINEFIELD of opinion. Breast feed or formula feed, stay home or work, only child or multiples, "attachment" parenting or not, co-sleeping or not, the list goes ON and ON.
I never understand why people are so interested in the choices OTHER families are making about THEIR OWN children. With rare exception, every parent does the best they can, and makes the best choices they can with what they've got to work with, so critics need to keep their lips zipped.
Last edited by thinpossible; 04-01-2009 at 12:03 PM.
OF COURSE there's nothing wrong with having one!!! (There's nothing wrong with having zero either, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!) There are advantages and disadvantages to whatever number of children you have. Your child will be balanced and social and unspoiled if YOU raise him/her to be balanced and social and unspoiled. My mom and dad and my husband are all only children. And certainly there are families with more than one child, and they're spoiled. It doesn't have anything to do with how many, but how the parents raise them.
Also, I don't know how long you've been married, but there's no rush, right? My husband and I were married 7 years before we had kids and I'm glad we had that time to ourselves. Of course we were married 7 years without kids because I was waiting until I was "prepared" to have kids. Little did I know, nothing can really prepare you. It's like flying to the moon, sure you can hang out in a hyperbaric anti-gravity chamber, but nothing really prepares you.
Thinpossible- I am so glad that you also agree that it's possible to raise an only child us unspoiled. I also really love your analogy to flying to the moon... I feel marriage has been the same way, lol. Dating is one thing, and you think you can imagine marraige... but all that imagining never prepares you for the reality of it. Both the amazing highs and the not-so-good times. But, it's been wonderful, and I would never trade it for anything.
DH at first said he didn't want any until we had a million dollars (so we'd know we could afford one).
That sounds like MY Husband....we can't have a baby now because we need a bigger house, and we can't have a bigger house because we have to save money. And we can't save money because he keeps finding things he 'needs'... The man's scared to DEATH of babies and wants everything to be perfect before we have any, but nothing will be perfect in life...
I don't have kids but we got an 8 week old puppy about 6 weeks ago. Sure enough during the first week, we didn't shower, brush our hair, change clothes, touch each other, our lives revolved around our little puppy (taking him out 3-5x a night, no sleep). The next few weeks were hard, but got better (ie. sex once a week, haha). Now, things are better (sex more than once a week), and spending more time together. Of course, this isn't as much of a strain as a baby, but I think any new big stress really "tests" your partnership, and it DOES get better. I think babies ruin marriages that were on thin ice to begin with, and the "bond" couldn't take the added stress. Your spouse needs to come first because without a strong partnership, the rest of the family can't stay solid. It's the "glue" for a family. Besides, one of the most important things a parent can do for their child is to model a relationship of love and respect so that the child can seek a similar relationship when they are of age. They need to see love and respect as normal.
This is an awesome thread.
I am at the point where we might start trying to get pregnant within the next few months. Although I am not worried that kids will wreck my marriage since we both want them and I consider us to have a really strong relationship, I still got a lot of great pointers on how to find balance between children and marriage.
A lot of my friends are having babies right now, and I am getting to see totally opposite parenting styles. I don't judge them as being right or wrong, but I am definitely making mental notes on what approaches make more sense to me and I'd be more comfortable when my time comes.
Babies change everything.I was a mom at 20 and now have 3 wonderful??? teenagers.It isnt for everyone.My life would have been very different if I had waited to have children or not had them at all.Better???Doubt it.But different.I am still married after 20 years.We have given up a lot to have children young.It is such a personal decision.I look at people without children and can understand why they choose that too.I think the fact you are exploring this issue before you have a child is brilliant,How many people actually put that much thought into it???I sure didnt.
I'll comment on a few things that have been mentioned along the way.
First, I cannot imagine using condoms full-time as birth control, the "scares" would make me far too anxious, it just seems too risky! I've got the non-hormonal IUD (Paraguard) which lasts 10 years. Some of the low-hormone methods (Nuvaring, Mirena IUD) might work for you... if you ever get fed up with the condoms it might be worth thinking about.
On the one child issue... I'm an only child, in fact I grew up in a house with 4 adults and myself (my maternal grandparents lived with us), and I'm not a great example of how to raise an only child. I was fairly spoiled, and while I always had decent social skills, I grew up not knowing how to do much for myself, and occasionally I still forget to clean something up or put something away... and, when it gets too frustrating for my husband, I almost resent my parents for making me such an annoying person to live with. (I feel ok saying this because they were such awesome parents otherwise.)
I flip-flop on the issue of whether to have kids all the time. We have no desire to have biological children (due to family health issues and overpopulation) but we might adopt one or two some day. My husband would love to stay home and take care of them. I certainly know a lot of people (mostly men) who are dedicated to their work and work long hours and are still decent parents... I just don't want to be one of those super-detached "dads" that rarely sees their children and then tries to "catch up" by buying them things or spoiling them, which I could see happening if I'm not careful. *sigh*
So no they are not all spoiled! If they come out that way then it's the parent's doing and not because they are the only child.
(I feel ok saying this because they were such awesome parents otherwise.)