I've always looked at people who cared about the way they looked and was really into their body as shallow and dumb. I used to walk around in sweats, no makeup, unbrushed hair. However, after losing some weight, I've become one of those people who now care about how I dress and what my body look like. Not to a extreme point or anything, just I like to make some effort, they way most people do.
When I go out with my friends they go out in shorts and t-shirts and I want to wear a dress and stockings. I feel like I'm 'offending' them for lack of a better word because I dress up more than they do. Like I should dress down so they don't feel like I'm being 'mean' to them. I've never learned to taken up place, and I'm genreally the shy quiet girl, so I feel out of my elements trying to dress up. I realize it's likely that since I've never dressed well or paid particular attention to my body, it has become a huge emotional thing to finally start doing so.
Well, as an overweight gal I would say to you, if you want to dress up do it! I am not your fashion police and they are not either. I'm sure that what upsets them is not your success, but the realization of their own lack of effort or success. We heavy, slim, tall, short, whatever, will never be able to please everyone. You need to decide to be okay with that and release yourself from the torment of always worrying about what others are thinking. I struggle with this too so this is a reminder to myself as much as you! There is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, we just need to just make sure our inside being is just as pretty as our outside. have fun!
Last edited by dancinginpaint; 06-09-2011 at 10:57 AM.
I think you make an interesting point but I wonder if it's an actual observation or just your own projection of feelings. Meaning, did you get offended when you were heavier if someone thinner dressed up? Are you sure your friends are offended? In that case, do they also get offended if you order healthy foods at a restaurant and they might not? I'm not saying this isn't happening, but I'm just wondering if maybe you're just worried about how they feel. Either way, you should do what makes you feel good. If anyone wants to join you in weight loss, they do have that option.
It's so easy to get stuck inside of our own heads and over-think things. After all, we're the only ones in there so it's hard to see things from the outside...
Dress how you'd like to dress. If that means putting on a skirt for a casual event and dabbing on a little make-up then so be it. I highly doubt you feeling comfortable in your own skin is going to offend anyone.
I don't believe your friends are thinking "I hope I don't offend anyone by wearing shorts."
I think it's common to feel awkard when we want to wear something very different than what "everyone else" we're going to be around will be wearing, though I've always thought of it more as "standing out" than offending anyone.
I've always (even at my highest weight) enjoyed looking nice and having a unique "style." Trying to balance "blending in" with "standing out" (in a good way) isn't always easy.
How much you want to do either is a personal choice, and I think most people see it that way (I don't think many of us assume that someone is dressing to offend others - unless the dress is so extreme and outlandish as to be "in-your-face" socially unacceptable.).
I don't mean wearing a dress while your friends are wearing shorts. Wearing a beaded evening gown, yeah that would be a little weird. Wearing super tight, overly provocative clothing? Maybe.
Maybe you'd find "casual" dressing up a little easier, and you could ease into dressing up. Maybe a cute sundress or dressy/casual dress and sandals. Then when you see your friends aren't uncomfortable with your dressing up a little, you could dress up even more.
You may find gradually changing your style more comfortable than making drastric changes. Although I think this is more about making you comfortable than making your friends comfortable. I think if you're comfortable, they will be too.
The title of your post and the contents are 2 different points so I'm not sure what is really the issue.
Quote:
Offending fat people by being slim..
or
Quote:
I feel like I'm 'offending' them for lack of a better word because I dress up more than they do
My question is this, do you feel like you're offending them because you have lost 16 pounds and they are all fat and you are slim or do you feel like you are offending them because you traded your sweat pants for a skirt?
Dress how you'd like to dress. If that means putting on a skirt for a casual event and dabbing on a little make-up then so be it. I highly doubt you feeling comfortable in your own skin is going to offend anyone.
Yes!
I used to feel really uncomfortable with the fact that I dress moderately less casual than others most of the time. You know what happened? After years, everybody just forgot about it. The only comments I get now are "you look nice."
Now, most of my friends happen to dress similarly, but it just happened to turn out that way.
Yes!
I used to feel really uncomfortable with the fact that I dress moderately less casual than others most of the time. You know what happened? After years, everybody just forgot about it. The only comments I get now are "you look nice."
Now, most of my friends happen to dress similarly, but it just happened to turn out that way.
I think you aren't giving yourself credit: Perhaps you were a good influence?
It is a shame how the American public dresses now days. I'm old enough to remember wearing white gloves to go downtown to shop in the big department stores. You wore a suit when you flew on an airplane. We are all way too casual--I used to get disgusted when going to the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC for a play. $100 a seat tickets, red velvet drapes and crystal chandeliers and people thought it was okay to come in cut-off shorts!
I congratulate you on being a good example for your friends and discovering the reward of taking pride in your personal appearance.
I had a group of three mothers at a football practice approach me once and ask me if I always "dress up." I am a really casual dresser, although I almost always wear heels because I hate flats. I wear nice tops or t-shirts and jeans, a very occasional skirt, and most of my shorts and capris are in a light fabric-type material. Not dressy at all, but most of the other moms wore yoga pants or running shorts, so in their eyes I was. I am just staying this to confirm that YES if you are dressed differently than the pack people will take notice, and just as you judged people as being uppity for their nice appearance, you will probably be judged the same by some. BUT so what? I tell ya, when I was heavy, I hated how I looked in everything, so although I still had my heels on, most days I looked less than presentable because I felt like I looked bad in everything, why bother trying? I now LOVE that I fit back into those nice clothes again, and I do get comments....my mom asked me the other day, "You are wearing a skirt and heels to go to a litttle league baseball game?" YUP! I wore them all day as I worked from home, so why change now?
I think when you have a certain group of friends and something changes then it can make the other friends feel uneasy. I've felt this several times in friendships. Basically if one friend starts acting different it's hard for the other friends to cope with it at first. Changes in life can be harder on some than others.
If they're your friends, they probably aren't offended. Maybe a little uneasy, but offended? I doubt it. But, if you're going to a casual restaurant and dressing like you're going to the ball...maybe they might be a little uncomfortable.
Dress however way makes you feel good. You are allowed to take up the space you do, have your own style, what's it hurting others to merely dress in a way that pleases you?
You aren't running around going "Nyaaaah! Nyaaaaah! You are yucky!" at other people are you?
So where's the problem?
If you want to know what they think you could just open your mouth and ASK if you are offending. Don't just assume the worst and then waste your time and emotional energy fretting over maybes and what ifs.
Try to lay some of this baggage down and move beyond it. Start treating and talking to yourself kindly. Be ok taking up space in this world. You don't have to act like you own the whole planet, but don't apologize for simply being you either!
I think you aren't giving yourself credit: Perhaps you were a good influence?
It is a shame how the American public dresses now days. I'm old enough to remember wearing white gloves to go downtown to shop in the big department stores. You wore a suit when you flew on an airplane. We are all way too casual--I used to get disgusted when going to the Kennedy Center in Washington, DC for a play. $100 a seat tickets, red velvet drapes and crystal chandeliers and people thought it was okay to come in cut-off shorts!
I congratulate you on being a good example for your friends and discovering the reward of taking pride in your personal appearance.
Aww, thank you! I'm teaching my child to take that pride as well. I don't think it's acceptable to roll out of bed and go to the store in pajamas and slippers (yes, I see this enough!)
I lost touch with many of my friends over the years and I think once we got back into touch, we had all grown up (from school days) and into similar styles, but much of that is the town we're from. The young professional hang-out wine bars, lounges, jazz scenes, and restaurants are all filled with people who dress up a bit, but there are no rules that require it.
I recall my college boyfriend coming to visit and us going to dinner - he asked why I didn't tell him it was a fancy place when he saw someone walk in with khaki pants and a collared shirt, and he refused to go in. It wasn't fancy. It was a sit down burger joint. It's just the way people dress around here when they're no longer in high school.
Conversely, my ex husband (and his friends) dressed in torn jeans, t-shirts, and boots and we got along just fine.
The point is, you wear what you feel great in. I sometimes have days where I just feel like putting on a pair of heels and a dress to go grocery shopping or run errands. If it makes you feel good about yourself, just do it!
People get used to it. I used to be the same- as casual as possible, didn't wear makeup, didn't dry my hair... boy did I look a mess!
People did make comments when I first started dressing better and taking more time on my appearance, but they were mostly positive, some a little snarky. Now people rarely comment. They get used to seeing you in what you wear the most. I bet if I showed up now looking a mess they'd wonder what was wrong! lol
IMO, the only appropriate place to wear yoga pants is the gym. But that's just me. Maybe I've watched too much What Not to Wear.
Offending fat people by being slim..
have fun!
