i think that even if the last "if only..." part isnt added by the person giving the compliment, we usually fill it in ourselves.
i have a terrible time believing my boyfriend when he says im beautiful, and always feel obligated to deny it even though i know that to him, i am beautiful.
we constantly tell each other to focus on the parts of our bodies that we like, and not focus on the ones that we dislike. if other people say "you have a beautiful face" take that and use it as a confidence booster.
my boyfriend tells me what beautiful eyes i have; its a compliment that i get often from all sorts of people. okay so they arent complimenting my body: my body doesnt have much to compliment right now but i know that parts of me are beautiful, other people see beauty in me, and i can use that as motivation and a confidence booster to take care of myself better.
its nice when those specific things are pointed out to us cuz ya, we arent perfect. i have a big ***, but pretty eyes. i dont expect anyone to compliment my thunder-thighs, but its nice to know that people look at my eyes and think they are pretty enough to be worthy of complimenting. id take that genuine compliment about just one part of me over a fake compliment about all of me.
I kind of do this to myself . . . I know that I am pretty so if I was pretty AND thin, then I would be unstoppable. Not sure why I think that way, nor what exactly is it that I feel "stopped" from, but maybe I have internalized this sentiment????
Since I have lost some weight, I can tell that my attitude is better and that I have much more confidence. It's amazing what a big difference that makes!! I wish I would've had the motivation to lose this weight earlier, but I can't take back that time, so only am looking forward!
^ lol i think that way too. there are times when i feel like maybe its a good thing that im having to work hard to be "pretty" cuz if i were one of those naturally thin and pretty girls i think i would be one of those skinny *****es.
Growing up, the "pretty face" comment didn't always come with the critical afterpart, but it wasn't my imagination that added it. I enjoyed the compliment just fine when people said "You have such pretty eyes," or "You have a terrific smile, or other specific complements."
But when people say "you have such a pretty face," and make a very sad face while they're saying it, it doesn't take paranoia to read the back-handed part of the compliment. If the compliment were genuine, it would be delivered with a smile, not a frown or "sympathy" face. It wasn't always clear what was motivating the comment, but it was obvious it wasn't an innocent and competely genuine one either.
The biggest tip off that it isn't meant as a genuine compliment, is to act as if you believe it was. I have a few family members who are queens of the back-handed compliment, and so I pretend to take them as genuine. I'll say "why thank you," with a huge, silly grin on my face. The relative will invariable react with a surprised expression and will make a second stab at another insult disguised as a compliment - so I'll react as if it was an even better compliment. I'll repeat as needed until the person gives up. Usually the person will become irritated, or even angry, though rarely will they escalate it to an honest, straight forward criticism.
To be honest, I'd prefer the blunt "you need to lose weight, you're a whale" than the sad-eyed, head-shaking "you have such a pretty face."
But I don't get to choose other people's behavior, only my own - and I think I'm pretty cool, sometimes beautiful even.
i think the face comment is hard not to take as somewhat of a slap in the face. i know most people mean no hard by it, but you usually can tell what they are thinking or want to add to the end of the comment by their facial expression.
i have had the "pretty or beautiful face" comment many times. especially when i was heavier. i heard it from friends who were girls, friends who were guys, and even relatives. it never made me feel good. actually it would make me feel worse. i hated hearing it then and i'd hate to hear it now. i never want to hear that again!
I agree sawyouwearingflare. Enough of the pretty face. I want to hear someone tell me I have a pretty butt. THAT would make my day, even if I would have to act offended and huffy at such an unseemly comment, haha.
I wish that someone would tell me I have a pretty face! lol I always get "hey girl, nice ***!" I mean I've gotten the "you're so beautiful" while they grab my butt... hahah but even when i was thinner, I LOVED my body, and always hated my face! lol. I'm still working on that and now with trying to lose weight i just feel like the ugly 5 foot blob with a little boy face.. who knows screw what everyone else thinks everyone needs to work on their inner self sometimes
Everything can be taken as an insult. When men say I look intelligent I tend to interpret that as meaning I am not pretty.
I've never been told I have a pretty face, nice eyes, great smile, but not pretty face. I've got a strange looking face - it's not attractive at all. But my smile - my smile is definitely attractive.
I was travelling through Asia for work last year - and I felt pretty there - because they have different definitions of pretty. White Skin, Blue Eyes and generous bosom seems high on their list.
I think you should take all complements you get. Some people will always be critical.
Cruelty comes in all kinds of disguises. I was fortunate enough to evade the "pretty face" comments (is that fortunate? ha!) growing up but reading all these lovely ladies' posts about their crippling self-image issues that resulted from such backhanded insults makes me absolutely furious.
Haters gonna hate and there will always be cruel weight bias, but I really wish it weren't so.
i never got that but i've heard the very "well intentioned" "your pretty for a black girl" or worst "you mixed w/ something exotic. oh girl you gonna have my babies" ewwww
Ewwww on your behalf.
The first guy is blind. Or has never turned on a TV, gone to the movies, flipped through a magazine, walked down a main street or in any mall in the U.S. Because you'd have to live in the contemporary world with your eyes shut & your head up your @@ss not to have seen beautiful (and even breathtaking) black women. Even in Sweden and in China, the populace has a clue about this.
The second guy belongs to that revolting subspecies that thinks it's being real smooth when actually it's planting an image in our heads that is the reverse of attractive. Yeah, dude, let's start a selective breeding program, like on a mink farm, so we can contribute a little science project to the gene pool. Just what you want in a life partner. So. Not. Very.
I think I've been over weight for most of my life and I've heard that "you have such a pretty face" comment. Sincere or not, that phrase results in the raising of blood pressure, the use of some choice words and of course fighting the urge to spit the in the compliment-ors face.
Maybe I'm exaggerating but ONLY A LITTLE! I've learned not to let it crush me any more and just to say Thank You and convince myself they're being honest and sincere.
Also it helps when they don't emphasize the FACE part of the phrase. I think that most of the time people don't realize how insulting that is when they say it. And if they do... they better be ready for some pretty face expectorant flying their way.
Last edited by SeattleLoser; 10-06-2010 at 02:49 AM.
My grandmother used to throw this one at me. In every other way she was a wonderful grandma but THAT was really hurtful. "You'd be the prettiest one in the family with that face......" She left it open but I knew what she meant. Ouch.
I try most of the time to be a kind person, but there's a little imp in me that doesn't always want to remain hidden. On the few occasions I've gotten the "you have such a pretty face" statements, I've wanted to respond with: "Ohh, how sweet of you to say--and you would be a great conversationalist if only you weren't so socially inept!"
I've been pretty lucky, though; compliments, when I hear them, tend to be more general (except from my husband, who does like to single out favorite body parts--but in his case, I don't mind a bit ). I do remember the "pretty face" sort, though, because every time I've heard it, it's stung a little.
Location: Espaņa (originally from Orlando, Florida)
Posts: 94
Height: 5'7
I have gotten this since I was around 16. I still get this. People of all sorts have told me that 'You're so beautiful...but if you dropped some pounds you could go to Hollywood/would be like a supermodel.' You wouldn't believe the amount of times that even strangers have said that too me. 'You could be a model if you'd just lose some weight.' Or more infamously (hurtfully) I was told that I could have any man I wanted to if I just lost x pounds.
It's such a backwards thing and I've struggled with this because the people saying it (aunts, father, friends, strangers etc.) do not mean it in a mean way. They think they are being encouraging because they'll say 'You're beautiful anyways, though', as well. They're not saying I'm not attractive right now but more that I could go to Hollywood or be on TV or whatever if I lost down.
I struggle because I know I have to love myself whatever size, etc., but I know that they (in some manner) are right. I probably could seriously do the acting thing if I lost down, if that is what I wanted to do with my life. And yes, I know that I still get hit on and there are guys that still find me beautiful, but I would get more looks and numbers if I lost weight as well. There is validity to the statement but sometimes, it just gets old and feels like a hinderance more than anything. I usually just thank them and tell them I am trying to lose weight (I AM LOSING) for ME and my health but thank them for thinking I'm beautiful.
And personally, I don't know which is worse: never hearing it or hearing it and always having that in your mind.
Also, it has given me the mind set of 'If I were skinnier, I'd be unstoppable' or 'If I were skinnier, I could do x or y'. However, I've overcame quite a bit of it and do things despite my weight. The only place this mentality hinders me is dating because I always think of the 'You could have whoever you wanted if...' and also, I feel like if I hate my body so badly, who could possibly love it? Stupid, I know. I guess it is a good thing that I have to work for it because it makes me more appreciative of what I will have and I'll have a better mindset for it.
Sorry to vent, but I've struggled with this for a while and I see that other people get this as well. I think we are all beautiful at whatever size.
Last edited by reallytrying; 02-13-2011 at 08:38 AM.
Reason: additions
I've never had to deal with people telling me what a pretty face I have because I don't. I've lost 115 pounds, and guys flirt with me exactly as much as they did before: not at all.
I feel so fortunate never to have had to deal with people telling me what a pretty face I have.
I mean I've gotten the "you're so beautiful" while they grab my butt... hahah but even when i was thinner, I LOVED my body, and always hated my face! lol. I'm still working on that and now with trying to lose weight i just feel like the ugly 5 foot blob with a little boy face.. who knows screw what everyone else thinks everyone needs to work on their inner self sometimes 
). I do remember the "pretty face" sort, though, because every time I've heard it, it's stung a little.
