Something happened to me this morning that really hurt me. My husband and I own a contracting company. We went to a job site today and he asked me my opinion on the lighting scheme since I have some experience in decorating. Anyway, to make a long story short, he cut me off while talking and really belittled me in front of the new superintendent. Let me preface this by saying that my husband has always been respectful and kind to me, but lately (in the last six months) since I have gained this extra weight, he is NOTICEABLY more disrespectful to me. It's killing me inside. I have been up and down on the scales but never over 15-20lbs. over my idea weight. Now I am a full 34 lbs. overweight and I am really seeing a difference in the way I am treated. It cuts to the core for sure, and is taxing on the soul.
I am getting this weight off in the next few months, but I believe that it will take a much longer to forgive and forget the hurts. I have been truly humbled, and my heart pours out to people I never quite understood before.
Hi Tammy! I'm sorry your DH is treating you badly since you've gained weight. Since he was always respectful of you in the past, have you tried talking to him about it? Tell him exactly how you feel, how badly it hurt you to hear him talk to you that way? And maybe ask him to be supportive of you and your weight loss endeavor?
Thank you Lauren for the lovely words! I definitely talked to him about how badly it hurt that he spoke like that (at any time, but most certainly in front of our employee) ... he sincerely apologized and I do believe that he felt sorry. However, it was not just him only I am talking about.... I definitely see a difference in the way people treat me now vs. when I was thinner. It is surreal. I do not think that I always saw what overweight people were talking about until I became one.
I know that my DH truly loves me and maybe I am being too sensitive about the weight issue with him. He has just as much weight to lose as I do and whenever I go on a diet, he does also. I was too emotional when I wrote the first post ... but I was just so hurt, I had to get it out there.
It is so sad that a thin person should get more respect than an overweight one. But I guess there is a lot that goes into the perception of those who "let" themselves get that far. I do not want to change the world, I am just waking up to yet another sad reality that I never paid much attention to in the past.
I always find that when I'm thinner than I am now, men come out of the woodwork. God forbid you gain weight while you're with them. They'll leave in a heartbeat. The trick is you need to find someone who loves you at any weight. I still haven't found him yet, but if your husband really loves you, he'll realize what he's done and will NOT repeat it.
Sorry that happened to you. I'm sure you look good at any weight. He's lucky to have you!
Sorry to hear about what happened to you, it is true that some people tend to treat people differently when they are overweight, not everyone, but definately some see it as a right to say whatever they want to the person regarding their weight or to just look down on them in general. I'm glad that your DH was sorry for what he did and I hope that he doesn't do it again. It is important to keep in mind that sometimes the reason we are being treated differently is because WE are different, because we are not as secure and outgoing and happy as we are when we are thinner. Just something to keep in mind. ((HUGS)) Good luck on your weight loss venture, I'm sure you will do great!!
Melody, it is funny that you mention that, because yesterday after I had posted this thread, I thought that very same thing. Maybe it's me and the changes that have happened inside that is reflecting outward. I have taken that to heart. Thank you.
I have been dealing with the same issue with my hubby off and on for a while. I can't think of many things that hurt more.
I have been doing a lot of thinking this week on it, and I know I am more than a number on a scale. When I get down to my size, I know I am the same woman, only smaller. I have written it off as shallowness on my husbands part. I have wondered what will I think when I am smaller and he treats me nicer? I will still think the attitude on weight is shallow.
I watched my mother be belittled for her weight by my father their entire marriage, 32 years. She was 5'2" and never weighed more than 135 pounds. They don't love you if they belittle you. It doesn't matter that they'll treat you better when you lose the weight.
Nothing justifies belittling! It doesn't matter that you might not be as happy or outgoing. To accept responsibility for someone else's BAD behavior, or even to suggest it, is unconcionable. You are not responsible for the abuse being leveled against you.
You need someone who'll spend their time looking at your soul, not the surface. Because quite frankly ladies, no matter how thin or pretty you are, if all someone looks at is the surface . . . eventually they will become dissatisfied because time has a way of marching on. What happens when you've got wrinkles? Will they treat you as less because you're no loger their image of pretty? That's exactly how their treating you now if they're disrespecting and belittling you.
I think you deserve better, and wish you good luck.
Thank you Lauren for the lovely words! I definitely talked to him about how badly it hurt that he spoke like that (at any time, but most certainly in front of our employee) ... he sincerely apologized and I do believe that he felt sorry. However, it was not just him only I am talking about.... I definitely see a difference in the way people treat me now vs. when I was thinner. It is surreal. I do not think that I always saw what overweight people were talking about until I became one.
I know that my DH truly loves me and maybe I am being too sensitive about the weight issue with him. He has just as much weight to lose as I do and whenever I go on a diet, he does also. I was too emotional when I wrote the first post ... but I was just so hurt, I had to get it out there.
It is so sad that a thin person should get more respect than an overweight one. But I guess there is a lot that goes into the perception of those who "let" themselves get that far. I do not want to change the world, I am just waking up to yet another sad reality that I never paid much attention to in the past.
I have thought those thoughts so much it has made me fall on the bed and cry. I was 110 pounds when we met, and now I feel like, yes he loves me- but he is disgusted by my fat body. He won't leave me but he thinks he deserves better- better as in looking like the woman he married. That's how I feel about it anyway. But I feel like that because I took the cues from the words that came from his mouth, and his body language.
I talked to him on it this week and told him that exact thing, and he said that is not true I am just taking a few things he has said out of context. He apologized profusely for making me cry. Sadly, I think he is sorry he said it, but he meant what he said- or he would never have said it. Kind of a "I love you, but *hint hint* I'm really unhappy with how fat you are"
I have also pondered what Alethea said about getting older as nature intends. I think some people are just obsessed with fat, and my husband is in that category. Like he would almost prefer I was un attractive facially as long as I was not overweight.
He claims my emotions are because of insecurity-- but his words inflicted that, so it's a two way street.
People can be so cruel, and what's worse is that no one in this post is really that big. I think I'm the heaviest one!!!
I think it's important to work on yourself first. It's bizarre how shallow some people become when the looks fade, you gain weight, you have a baby, etc. It's like you never truly see that side of them until something falls out of place. Men need to learn to ADAPT. Weight can be lost, but the attitude he's showing you now will remain in your mind FOREVER. You'll always remember how cold he was to you, etc. It's sad, but I think you have to be happy with yourself inside and out. Weight won't ruin a marriage, but hurt feelings will.
It's funny how sharing deep hurts and feelings can relieve so much of the anxiety that is caused by them. We moved in the last six months (our home and our business) ... it has been a HUGE undertaking. Unbelievable stressful! Anyway, it was in large part due to this that we ate out way more than normal and both of us gained weight. It made me feel so out of control, miserable and angry at myself for not being able to put the m&m's down at night or not eating that extra half-sandwich that my body absolutely was saying no to ... that I do believe that I have not been myself. It is sometimes harder to look inward than outward. Though nothing excuses disrespectful behavior from ANYONE, I do believe that we can sabotage our own relationships from a terrible self-esteem. It can make us angry and bitter. Yesterday had nothing to do with this as I was being as nice as could be. After talking extensively last night to DH, he felt like the frustration (and behavior) came from him being under so much stress that he has been taking it out on the ones he loves most. I personally am guilty of doing that, so I have to let it go.
Nevertheless, the experience of feeling "invisible" in a crowd because of the excess weight is ABSOLUTELY TRUE! I do not expect anyone to notice me (not that it is important), but I do not want to look at myself, let alone have others "see" me. I feel embarrassed, and that can't be good for how I project myself. So maybe there is something to Melody's post. Together, I think all of us here can succeed. We will continue to encourage each other, talk though the emotional baggage that got us here in the first place, and move on to a healthier physical and emotional life. All good things take time.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I was married to a man that determined his worth based on how good I looked. It is not easy once your husband treats you differently because of your weight. Have you talked to him?
Location: Texas -where everything's bigger - Including me!
Posts: 17
S/C/G: 189/189/155
Height: 5'8 1/2
It might also be that he considered you the "rock" in the relationship and to see you get 'out of control' scares him and he is lashing out at you. Or he is worried you will keep getting bigger and bigger. Yeah, it sucks but we're all human.
I had these issues come forth with my husband when we were first married and we had a big fight. 14 years ago. Now he still looks like a model - but works out for an hour 5 times a week, and pays for his figure in sweat equity.
We seem to think that guys are non-feeling - but he could be scared, too. That you won't ever be the partner he first married. Yeah, I know - love them for their insides - not their outsides - but I have to admit I like looking at my thinner husband. I love him either way. And... ripped abs are a good thing. Now I just have to return the compliment and give him something to look at again - and be able to keep up with him energy-wise as we chase around the kid!
Turkey~I think the subject is so sore with the women that are moderately over weight here because for most (as far as I can tell) its a first for them and their marriage. If you are anything like me you have been over weight the majority of your life and 180lbs is DaMn SeXy!!! For a woman that is accustomed to being thin/fit for her entire life, its a very difficult transition. My older sister (5'3") has been a size 3 or smaller all our lives. Now she is 41 and a size 10. KILLS HER!!! The emotional stress she is going through is nothing new to me. But she's taking it much harder than I ever have because for her, its like living in someone elses body. And then theres the old, I rely/fall back on my physical image to make me feel good/better about myself. She has lost that and therefore appears to be lost. I have plenty of practice at making myself feel better in other ways. For the men in these relationships it not alot different, only alot less painful. I think in their minds they had the reassurance they where marrying a thin/fit girl and would have minimal worries about weight gain. Or maybe just the sincere hope of no worry. And the mind set of "Hey! I didn't sign up for this!!" Now that things have changed (and in the minds of all involved apparently) for the worse, few are adapting well. Marriage is compromise, change, evolution, support!!! It doesn't HAVE to be such a big deal! Just my $.02
It's funny how perspective can be so subjective. I see myself now, and I could cry. I'm lucky, my hubby loves me,period..end of sentence. It's me view of myself that upsets me, and I figure that most of the world sees me like that too.
You ladies are amazing. Never forget it.
Hurt And Upset
I'm sorry your DH is treating you badly since you've gained weight. Since he was always respectful of you in the past, have you tried talking to him about it? Tell him exactly how you feel, how badly it hurt you to hear him talk to you that way? And maybe ask him to be supportive of you and your weight loss endeavor?
((HUGS)) Good luck on your weight loss venture, I'm sure you will do great!!
