General chatter - any one know about restraining orders?

08-11-2013, 07:56 PM
Well I have a few questions about this.. I dated this guy for 6 1/2 years we had our up and downs.. well recently we ended up leaving eachother. we were going to work it out until he started to drink heavily. I started talking a guy and my ex didn't like this at all. so he would drink every evening and he started to do death threats towards me and my family. so I put a restraining order on him... hes in jail for a year for previous charge of driving with no lisence and he ended up getting 30 more days for violation of the restraining order.. before he went to jail he ended up going to my dads house and slicing the tires of his truck and car.. yeah... so hes in jail for a year for the first charge and he has his court date for the felony charge is soon to come up within a few months.. I know what he has done is wrong but I am wanting to drop the restraining order.... the restraining order is only good for a year.. why have it on while hes in jail anyway? he will be in there for a few years ... what happeneds if i drop it? what do i say to them? idk ive been thinking on doing this for a long time... i know the restraining order made him more mad so that's why he did what he did.

08-11-2013, 08:31 PM
I worked as a probation officer for several years in Illinois, and I would suggest that you not drop the restraining order. You may not even be able to, as more and more jurisdictions are making it nearly impossible (for reasons I'll get into).

Firstly, while, yes, some men become more violent in reaction to a restraining order, very few of those men will become less angry or violent when the restraining order is dropped. Instead, they often become even MORE angry, because in their minds the order being dropped "proves" in their mind that it was a bogus in the first place (in other words, if you were really that afraid of me, you wouldn't have dropped the order).

Unfortunately, some police departments and judges will (or at least did 15 years ago) see it the same way, so you may find it difficult to get their full cooperation if your ex were to cause you problems in the future.

If you drop the order and he sees this as the perfect time for revenge (which many do), you'll be in a worse position than ever.

At the very least, consult with a domestic violence counselor or advocate in your area. They can help you asses the possible and actual risk to you. They may even be able to help you find out if this guy has had similar issues in the past and whether or not his violence escalated after a prevuous RO was dropped or expired. They also may be able to help you confidentially contact this guy's Probation Officer, if he has one, to help assess the risk.

08-11-2013, 10:23 PM
This person sounds crazy. Normal people do not act like this. Move on with your life and do not engage the crazy. You can pretty much never go wrong with that.

08-11-2013, 10:48 PM
I think every state is different but DO NOT drop the restraining order. A friend of my dropped it and when her ex got out the jail early for good behavior and over crowding there was no obligation to tell her and he went over to her house. I would continue it for as long as possible.

I am also a bit disturbed by your "i know the restraining order made him more mad so that's why he did what he did" comment. This is in no way your fault, he shouldn't be getting angry like that.

I don't know you at all but the single comment makes me think you have a form of battered women's syndrome. I hope you are not offended by that but this guy is abusing you and you shouldn't make excuses for him.

08-12-2013, 01:40 AM
He is not just a risk to you but to your family also. He went to your father's house to do the damage, he should have not any reason to have anything to do with your father at all. Do not drop the restraining order.

08-12-2013, 09:49 AM
Why do you want to drop the restraining order? I just don't get it. He sounds crazy and to be honest I would consider moving altogether. You can't reason with crazy and sometimes ignoring people like that can be even more dangerous if he's bent on violence.

08-12-2013, 02:08 PM
Thank you everyone for your advice... I was abused by him when he would drink.. and I honeslty don't know why I want to take it off.. I guess I feel like it would make me feel better.. im tired of going to the court dates and seeing him because it makes me hurt worse.. yes I did put the restraining order on him because I was tired of him threatening my family but to be honest I did it because my dad and step mom wouldn't stop bugging me to put it on

08-12-2013, 02:21 PM
ZOZOgirl, this is going to be a little harsh, and I usually don't try to be, but I can't think of another way I want to say this:

I know going to court is an inconvenience, but so is him beating you so bad you have to go to the hospital, or worse, that your parents have to bury you.

Dealing with court is a pain, but it's also taking the power over you away from him. If you allow a bully to keep tormenting you that's what they'll do. You have to fight back to protect yourself, no matter how inconvenient it is.

I really wish you the best of luck.

08-12-2013, 02:46 PM
I'm with preciousmissy. And don't think of it that you have to see him and how taxing that is on you. Think about how uncomfortable it makes him to see you, in a position of power over him. He needs to know that you hold the cards and he can't bully you. Also by doing his for yourself you're also helping prevent him doing this to someone else. Through pain we heal.