Weight Loss Support - Coping with weight loss comments from others




ReillyJ
01-31-2013, 04:19 PM
Anyone that's lost a significant amount of weight have tips to deal with the comments of others?

I've lost 90 lbs and those in my town who see me on a semi regular basis (maybe once a month or more) will say things like "you're done, don't lose any more" "wow, don't lose any more, you're there" "are you done losing it?" or "don't lose any more, your face will get that gaunt look"

That last one especially touches a nerve with me being newly 50 and getting an education on the fact that weight does not come off evenly and it decided to really come off my skull more than it does my waist line :D much to my chagrin! I'm almost starting to get a complex (i've posted about this) about my face and how much it's changed but i've decided to make a conscious effort to try not to let it affect me (only hope my neighbor doesn't keep commenting). I want to try to lose a couple more pounds to see if this spare tire in the middle budges at all although i suspect most of it is loose skin but i cannot really tell. I am in no way UNDER weight and am not interested in removing every last bit of fat on my body so i don't know where these people are coming up with this?? Maybe i should just take it as compliments and just do what *I* want to do and not worry about it or maybe my insecurities and surprise at HOW i'm losing it in places is factoring in? Maybe everyone will just get used to the way i look and stop commenting....


sontaikle
01-31-2013, 04:34 PM
Maybe everyone will just get used to the way i look and stop commenting....

Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

They're comparing the new you to the old you. For everyone, 90lbs smaller you is a bit of a shock. Once you've been at your new weight a while everyone will just be used to you and shut up.

I ignored the comments after a while (otherwise I'd be 150lbs). Now everyone is used to me after a year and doesn't comment on my weight loss unless they're a person I haven't seen in quite some time.

It's really funny when we all come across an old picture of me. I get lots of "Oh my gosh I forgot how big you were!" That tells me that the new me is what everyone is used to now :)

bethFromDayton
01-31-2013, 04:37 PM
90 pounds? I'm not anywhere near there yet :-(. But I'm so glad you are--other people's successes are such an inspiration!

I believe in responding to what someone should have said, rather than what they did say, and then changing the subject to something you want to talk about--or will get them to change direction.

"Thanks! How is your mom doing?"
"How kind of you to say so. Has John decided where he wants to go to college?"
"Thanks! Is Susan still playing basketball?"
"Really? Thank you. Can you believe that they didn't plow our street for a week?"

That gets them to start talking about themselves--and doesn't obligate you to actually respond to what they said. They might not even realize your response didn't really make sense.

"How kind of you to say so" is slightly snide, but perfectly polite. I reserve it for people who deserve to be put down a little bit.


bargoo
01-31-2013, 04:41 PM
I don't know why it is but it seems once we go on a diet, successful or not everybody seems to think they have the right to make comments or criticize. Where did they get the authority ? The only thing you can do is try and ignore them as much as you can. If you feel you must say something say "Thank you for your concern" and immediately change the subject.

elvislover324
01-31-2013, 04:46 PM
Congrats on your weightloss!! :)

I actually have learned to keep my mouth closed when someone says something like that to me (I am nowhere near goal, just about weightloss in general) and I just smile at them, my fakest almost smirkiest smile.

I used to try to defend myself or be gracious and receptive to their comments and suggestions but not this time around. People think they know everything and they don't!

Of course, the nice complimentary comments I immediately reply with the warmest sincerest thanks (and I do really mean it). The supportive ones are far and few between though from the nosy interferring ones.

LockItUp
01-31-2013, 04:55 PM
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!

They're comparing the new you to the old you. For everyone, 90lbs smaller you is a bit of a shock. Once you've been at your new weight a while everyone will just be used to you and shut up.

I ignored the comments after a while (otherwise I'd be 150lbs). Now everyone is used to me after a year and doesn't comment on my weight loss unless they're a person I haven't seen in quite some time.

It's really funny when we all come across an old picture of me. I get lots of "Oh my gosh I forgot how big you were!" That tells me that the new me is what everyone is used to now :)

This, totally. Someone who just met you probably wouldn't think twice about learning you wanted to lose a few pounds because they wouldn't be comparing you to how you used to look. Change is hard for people. Just take it in stride, people will adjust.

mariposssa
01-31-2013, 06:08 PM
I tend to go for just a smile and thanks or the thank you with a subject change. If the compliment is followed by what is your magic secret (which I hate regardless of whether it is brought on by curiosity, looking for help or being snarky) I usually say something about the usual way...just watching what I eat, walking/exercising more, counting calories and carbs, working it off, etc. This is not what people want to hear and I don't care because it is the reality of weight loss and it is my truth. If there are any short cuts, they haven't worked well for me.

Vex
01-31-2013, 06:50 PM
it decided to really come off my skull more than it does my waist line much to my chagrin

I think this is true for most people who lose weight. It happened to my husband who lost 100 lbs. It took about a year for the gaunt look to even out, but it does get better.

Robin41
01-31-2013, 08:34 PM
I'm not sure it ever ends. After you've been at goal for awhile, the don't lose any more comments turn into "I really thought you'd gain it back by now" comments. Just as irritating.

The face versus stomach issue is one of the great conundrums. I'm 48 and the weight I had to take off to lose my stomach really did make my face a bit too thin and that extra bit of fat does fill in the wrinkles. You have to find the sweet spot where both look pretty good but, unfortunately, they don't always seem to work together as much as we'd like.

Roo2
01-31-2013, 08:36 PM
:twirly::twirly::twirly:Congratulations on your weight loss!
I think when people are commenting on weight loss they don't always realize what they are saying could possibly make someone uncomfortable.
At work people will ask how much did you lose ,how ,why and when do you plan to stop!
I don't tell people how much I have lost in weight , but I have been repeatedly asked at work over and over wanting details.
Sometimes people like to serve you up as a topic of conversation so I smile thank them and change the subject and stick to the script.
I was at Dog class yesterday and someone commented how good I looked and proceeded to ask if I did HCG!! I said that I did Ideal Protein which she stated she wasn't familiar with it and told me She had done WW in the past and lost weight ,so I never new her as anything but slim. I was very open to that conversation about weight and walked away feeling I gained useful insight.
The conversations I am not fond of are the ones that try to tell me how much I should weigh.
I too lost weight in the face so I will be getting skin resurfacing and tightening hopefully that and Botox will do the trick.
good Luck, Roo2:carrot::carrot::carrot:

Amarantha2
01-31-2013, 09:17 PM
Yes, congratulations. Don't worry about this stuff with the commenters. It comes with the territory of being successful at weight loss.

Ignore and just don't engage. You can smile like the Mona Lisa, say "thanks," and walk away or change to a different topic.

Never engage with people who say you are too thin, gaunt, need to stop, etc., it just validates their incorrect assumptions.

They mean well, just getting used to the new you. As was said above, they'll stop after a while because they will get used to the weight loss.

But some people really have valid things to say like sincere congratulations and questions, etc., maybe they seek help or inspiration from you, so it is good to talk to those people.

Lol, didn't mean to give all that advice. Again, congratulations.

ReillyJ
01-31-2013, 09:34 PM
Thanks, everyone!

i think i will just try not to take it personally and magnify my OWN issues with my weight loss and how the end result is looking and just maybe realize that most of them mean well and it's just that they're getting used to the new me... most of them HAVE been very supportive and complimentary, one couple hadn't seen the entire transformation and just saw me from 90lbs overweight to what i am now and they were amazed. The gal said "you were always beautiful but you look amazing now" which kind of blew me away! And most start off with saying you look great.

I have to ADMIT.. i have been one of those that have said those kind of comments about you need to stop, you've lost enough and it wasn't meant to be a put down or mean, i guess now i know how it feels, it feels intensely personal and like it's nobody's business to make that personal a comment but you don't know that until you're on the receiving end.

Another comment that for some reason always leaves me AMAZED is they all asked how i did it (AND.. when i was overweight that was the first thing i wanted to know also!) because it isn't a secret, it's basically counting calories, eating MINDFULLY every time i eat and never putting food into my mouth mindlessly or without knowing why--this allows me to actually ENJOY everything i eat...and yes, exercise and most of all a determination that this is the way i want to live my life from now on and i love it. I was overweight for 17 yrs until i finally decided that i wanted to find out the calorie count in foods and start down that road. i am hoping i am one of those who never gains it back, i think that is why i never tried to lose it or go on a diet, i knew once i started that it would be pointless just to "go on a diet" or "lose 10 lbs by the weekend" etc. etc., that it would have to be a life style change.

Thanks so much for all the comments and suggestions, i'll try to handle things with grace, love the way i look, and not feed into the ones that are trying to TELL ME what to do :)

:hug:

Posy
02-03-2013, 06:45 AM
This is your journey...do what is right for YOU!
if you listen to the comments of everyone, you will end up back where you started.
Some people are genuinely concerned as they can only compare you to how you looked before.
other people feel the need to prevent you from reaching your own goals because they either can't or wont make the effort to reach their own.

Congratulations on your loss, and carry on doing what is right for you

Hotaruchan
02-03-2013, 09:41 AM
I live 10,000 miles away from my friends and family, so the people who's opinions I actually care about rarely comment because they never see me. Thankfully Japanese people don't tend to comment on appearance for fear of sounding rude, so most things I've gotten have been polite little "Is that a new dress? Look how small it makes your waist look!" type things.

Unfortunately, I also work in elementary schools, surrounded by hundreds of small children, and subtlety comes with age. I worked my butt off over summer break, and when I came back, the kids immediately noticed. It was...uh...interesting standing in front of a class while 8 year olds screamed in Japanese that I'd gotten so much thinner...then one little girl piped up that her grandmother says that people get thin when they're sick...so a few kids jumped a rail and decided that I was dying. Eventually I managed to rein them in with "It's because I don't know good Japanese food...What food do you like?" to get them discussing food that they like in English.

...so I guess the moral of my long-winded story was that changing the subject is best. Distracting your conversation partner with a question seems to help.

In any case, the only that matters is how you feel. You're not done until you feel comfortable. No one else's two cents on the matter really matter because they're not the ones putting in all the hard work, and they're not the ones that have to live with the results. Congratulations on your loss and good luck with all of your future successes! :D

Misti in Seattle
02-03-2013, 10:34 AM
:congrats:

Yes, people can be so thoughtlessly rude. I handle it one of two ways...

1) LAUGH (important so YOU don't come across as the rude one) and say "You're getting kind of personal, aren't you?" This does tend to make people stop and think a bit about what they are saying.

But (2) if you are under a doctor's supervision, just say your doctor approves of what you are doing. In my case (and it is true as I am also seeing a chiropractor and a surgeon) I say... "I have not one... not two.. but THREE doctors who are totally supportive of what I am doing!!"

In any case, yes, best to just make your statement and change the subject; don't let yourself become "trapped" into discussing it with them.

And hey, just be thankful you're being told you are too THIN rather than too FAT and enjoy your success!! :)

ReillyJ
02-03-2013, 04:03 PM
Unfortunately, I also work in elementary schools, surrounded by hundreds of small children, and subtlety comes with age. I worked my butt off over summer break, and when I came back, the kids immediately noticed. It was...uh...interesting standing in front of a class while 8 year olds screamed in Japanese that I'd gotten so much thinner...then one little girl piped up that her grandmother says that people get thin when they're sick...so a few kids jumped a rail and decided that I was dying. Eventually I managed to rein them in with "It's because I don't know good Japanese food...What food do you like?" to get them discussing food that they like in English.

...so I guess the moral of my long-winded story was that changing the subject is best. Distracting your conversation partner with a question seems to help.



Awww, kids, they are so sweet! And it sounds like they weren't making derogatory comments at all but working things out out loud, bless you for your thoughtful mind in how you handled it and congratulations on YOUR weight loss :)

i'm going to have to figure out HOW to change the conversation when women say to me "don't lose any more" because what that one does is immediately magnify my own insecurities in how my face is looking, keep in mind i'm also dealing with aging and everything that comes with that (yes, what vanity!) so i guess that one touches a nerve when with some people it would be a huge compliment on their weight loss. However that is my issue to work out and i'm trying to do some reverse psychology on myself and convince myself i look beautiful regardless of how slender my face has become and that i'm not 20 anymore--so i will have to come up with a comment that changes the direction of the conversation. Maybe just say thanks and then bring up another subject? One thing i will NOT do anymore is probe the subject or feel i need to explain which i have done in the past.

Yesterday i received a HUGE compliment in one of the grocery stores i frequent. i was wearing my leather jacket (one of my rewards!) and the checker immediately burst out (to my utter embarrassement!) how beautiful i look, that i look like a model, etc. i was so flustered all i could do was mutter a thanks and a sheepish smile and then later try to slowly digest that compliment even though it still embarrasses me now.

I'll work this out somehow and i know it's a reflection of what i'm going through with my own issues and it is a lesson learned for me to think very carefully before i comment on someone else!