I feel like there is no "good" way to handle someone ElSE losing a lot of weight. When people noticed that I had lost weight, it felt good- but at the same time, I know that when some people get comments about it- they get offended because they feel like maybe the compliment-er is saying that something was wrong with them before. So- do you like it when people notice??
The reason I ask is because one of my co-workers has been losing a lot of weight recently. After she had her baby, she was having thyroid problems, and has discussed her frustration with weight gain and not knowing what to do. I know she has been working so hard for the last few months and looks really great- I feel like I want to acknowledge that her hard work is paying off and that she has some noticeable changes going on- but I don't want her to feel like I didn't think she was beautiful and a wonderful person before.
Maybe it's a dumb question- but do I say anything, and if so- how do I tell her how great she looks without being rude to her "former self", if that makes sense.
I like receiving compliments and don't mind discussing my weightloss with people. However I do understand that for some it is a touchy subject.
Of all the compliments I've received to date, the statement compliments seem to be the best. And from what I've read on here, it seems that they are well received by the majority of people.
E.g. a simple 'you look great/good/fantastic/fabulous'.
It isn't directly pointing out their weightloss, more of a general compliment which I've found goes down well.
I know what you mean. It can be tricky! Especially in North American culture it seems to be a sensitive issue (as I've noticed in recent years when comparing with the way my husband's family and friends discuss weight).
Personally, because I was so frustrated with myself when I was heavier and so proud when I lost weight, I didn't feel negatively when I got complimented on getting thinner.
But at the same time, I can absolutely hear the implications that come along with such remarks, and I'm also a big supporter of advocating positive self-image at any size. So, when I notice someone has lost weight, I tend to compliment them not directly on their weight but instead focus on some corollary, like noticing that they look healthy, or their skin is looking great or their hair or something like that.
I do think, though, that in especially such cases as you mentioned, when the person was obviously frustrated with their weight and has been working really hard to change it, I'd guess it's unlikely that they will take compliments about their weightloss efforts negatively. Obviously just based on my personal feelings and assumptions, though!
I think it kinda depends on your relationship with the person you're complimenting. If they know you well enough to know that "I can tell you've lost weight. Looking good!" means just that, and not "You're less of a fat*** than you used to be", I think you'd be okay.
I feel like the assumption is that weight loss increases our "value" on the "appearance" scale. Like, if I'm told I look "okay" at 200, then by 170 I should have graduated to "good" and at 150 I should be graduated to "really good". I think that kind of thinking leaves room for "well, I've lost 50 pounds and Janice said I look good, so how bad did she think I looked before?"
I know one of my girl friends, who I see once a month or so, usually comments on any visible losses, or asks how the diet is going, means "Wow, 20 pounds? You look really good!", and not "You were fat and ugly before" whenever she does comment.
With many people, there's an unspoken, but felt, "now" implied in comments like that. "Your hair looks nice, did you cut it? = Your hair is nice for once, what did you do?"
I think, maybe, if you approached it more as a "hey, I just wanted to let you know your hard work is paying off, and I can tell a difference" it would be alright.
I believe a sincere "You look awesome" can't be taken wrong by anybody! When I give a compliment, it doesn't focus on the differences between yesterday or today, just that fact that at this moment, they are rockin.
Of all the compliments I've received to date, the statement compliments seem to be the best. And from what I've read on here, it seems that they are well received by the majority of people.
E.g. a simple 'you look great/good/fantastic/fabulous'.
It isn't directly pointing out their weightloss, more of a general compliment which I've found goes down well.
It makes me feel good to hear it anyway
I agree with this. She can take it as a weight loss compliment, maybe her makeup, maybe her whole demeanor has brightened. It is a compliment with no "back hand". I don't know how someone can take "You look great" in a negative way Maybe if some sleazeball says it in a greasy tone while looking you up and down :shudder: but I'm sure that's not how you'd say it.
I never knew there was a bad way to take a compliment until I read all of the complaints about comliments here at 3FC. I mean sometimes people really do give backhanded comliments, but you can tell when someone is sincere.
I think you should just say whatever you actually think! If it's as simple as "You've lost a lot of weight, you must be working hard, you look better than ever", then go for it. Or however you would word it. We can't control how people take what we say, if you mean it in a nice and sincere way that's all you can control. I'm sure she knows you well enough to know where you are coming from with it.
That never implies they didn't look good before, and it doesn't specifically say what I think looks so good. They can take it how they want it. I could be complimenting their weight loss, or their hair cut. It also doesn't create any public awkwardness, like if someone else overhears me say that. I'm not saying out loud, "Wow, you've lost a lot of weight!" I'm just saying they look fantastic. That's all. So far I've never offended anyone with that.
I never thought that I would have a hard time accepting compliments until recently. I'm very uncomfortable with the attention more so than I'm offended by the compliment. I agree that a simple "You look great" is the way to go. One of the security guards in my office building walked up to me and said, "What's the number?" I was mortified. I know that he just meant that he could tell that I've lost weight but I felt he was incredibly inappropriate.
This can indeed be a touchy subject. I once complimented someone on their weight loss, only to find out they had lost weight due to illness. OOOPS!
Years ago I had lost a lot of weight (all of which I have found again). I hadn't seen my Dad in over 2 years, he was amazed at the new me. His "compliment" is something that has haunted me ever since. It was and I quote, "WOW! You look AMAZING! You REALLY do! Good thing you lost weight, you were so big it was almost embarrassing to be seen with you."
As I said, I gaind all that weight back, plus more. I have anxiety attacks when I know I will be at a family gatherings with my dad. I always wonder if I am an embarrassment to him. I have lost 47 pounds in the past 3 1/2 months and I am feeling better about myself. BUT I always wonder if people are embarrassed to beseen with me. Those words will probably haunt me as long as I live. I know I should just get over it, wish I could.
My husband does not know how to give a compliment. He tries, he just doesn't know how. Example: I buy a new outfit, we are going somewhere and I put on the new outfit and he says, "So that's what you're wearing tonight?" It is "his way" of saying you look good. it used to drive me crazy, I have gotten used to it. We've been married for 23 years on Sunday and together for 25. But just once I would like to hear him say, "You look really nice!"
My husband does not know how to give a compliment. He tries, he just doesn't know how. Example: I buy a new outfit, we are going somewhere and I put on the new outfit and he says, "So that's what you're wearing tonight?" It is "his way" of saying you look good. it used to drive me crazy, I have gotten used to it. We've been married for 23 years on Sunday and together for 25. But just once I would like to hear him say, "You look really nice!"
LOL. Some guys are like that. My husband told his mom the other night that the haircut she just got looks a lot better than the last one. *Sigh*
My husband does not know how to give a compliment. He tries, he just doesn't know how. Example: I buy a new outfit, we are going somewhere and I put on the new outfit and he says, "So that's what you're wearing tonight?" It is "his way" of saying you look good. it used to drive me crazy, I have gotten used to it. We've been married for 23 years on Sunday and together for 25. But just once I would like to hear him say, "You look really nice!"
It's strange you guys were talking about this the last few days. Yesterday I went for a professional visit to a gentlemen I hadn't seen in about 2 months (25 lbs ago). I walked in and he smiled and said "Wow - you look really healthy!" I like that!
As I said, I gaind all that weight back, plus more. I have anxiety attacks when I know I will be at a family gatherings with my dad. I always wonder if I am an embarrassment to him. I have lost 47 pounds in the past 3 1/2 months and I am feeling better about myself. BUT I always wonder if people are embarrassed to beseen with me. Those words will probably haunt me as long as I live. I know I should just get over it, wish I could.
Ugh...it hurt my heart to read this because I know exactly how you feel. My mother thinks it's appropriate to tell me all of the things that she was thinking before I starting losing. Her lastest compliment was telling me that she's proud of me for losing so much weight because my shoulders were really starting to swallow up my neck. I don't know what the heck I'm supposed to say to that. I know in my heart that she wasn't trying to be cruel but I can't understand for the life of me why she would think saying something like that was appropriate.
Anyway...who cares what anyone else thinks. I know that I've had some less than nice thoughts go through my mind about other people so I'm not going to feign shock if someone else has less than nice thoughts about me.
I'm doing what I need to do to take care of myself. Later for everyone else.
Complimenting weight loss
