I've had a lot going on lately, and have missed one of my old friends terribly. We live in different parts of the world these days (I'm currently in Las Vegas and she lives in England) but we still sorta keep in touch through Facebook. Last year, as I was in the middle of planning an emergency trip to my hometown in Illinois to visit a dying family member, out of nowhere she posted that she was in Wisconsin for a week to visit family (in the town where we both used to live). I was devastated that she didn't tell me she was crossing the pond, and felt angry that she hadn't bothered to get in touch with me about it at all. I contacted her to ask how long she was going to be there, letting her know that I was driving to the area in a matter of days (my hometown is just two hours away from hers) with the hope that we might have a chance to see each other. But she was flying back home just before I'd be able to make it out to that area.
In the most polite way I possibly could, I made sure to let her know how bad it made me feel that we'd miss each other by just a few days, and she told me not to feel bad because it wasn't my fault that I didn't know she was coming to the states. But she totally missed the point I was trying to make; the whole reason I felt bad was because she didn't bother to tell me in the first place. I mean, I don't expect her to tell me every little detail of her life, but returning to the area we both used to live at is a relatively big deal. Had I been given a heads-up we might have been able to time things better from either end. And when I tried to explain this, about all she did was tell me that she'd let me know next time, and informed me that I can visit England any time I want. I dropped the subject since the last thing I wanted to do was give her the impression that I was just trying to drop a guilt trip on her.
So fast-forward to this past month. I sent her a small "how are you doing" type messages a few weeks ago, wanting to reconnect and just hoping to make some small talk like we used to. She didn't seem all that interested in keeping the conversation going when she replied, and she never got back to me again. I have no clue what she's up to anymore or how busy she may be, so I let it go. Yeah, it sucks that life took us in totally different directions, but as I've told her before, we're both in a better place now even if we don't get to hang out anymore (we were both in very unhealthy relationships with our SO's back when we lived in WI, and have since moved on to different SO's and have gotten married, which is why we moved to different parts of the world). I had hoped that we could still keep in touch online (she's definitely social online like I am) but things were rocky when I first moved away from Wisconsin and I guess we never quite picked things up again. And maybe that's the problem?
Anyway, a few days after she failed to reply back to me, I found out from a mutual friend that she was coming back again to the states to visit family. And once again, she didn't bother to tell me. I watched as her and family (some of whom I'm FB friends with) made all kinds of posts celebrating her return to WI. And it just . . . hurt. I realize that friendships can't be one-sided and that there's only so much I can do in an attempt to reconnect with her, but it just really hurts that I'm not even important enough to her to get a "Hey, I'm gonna be in WI next month, I understand if you can't make it out there too but I wanted to let you know."
Maybe this would slide off my back easier if I'd had a better year (family issues, health issues, miscarriage). Not that I should really expect anything more, knowing that she and I have barely spoken to each other since moving away. It's not that I can expect things to be magically fixed between us just because I'm attempting to reach out. A big part of me just wants to write her off and block her and her family on FB so I don't feel a twinge of pain every time I see them posting such things. And I feel completely childish to feel so hurt and left out, and wonder why I have any expectations at all from her at this point.
I feel like I'm just acting like a silly teenager again but I can't change what hurts, I can only find ways to cope and react in ways much more mature than I'm currently feeling. I'm guessing I should have moved on a long time ago but am still left wondering if I have any right to feel hurt. I admittedly have a bad habit of living in the past, so I'm sure that's not helping my case at all.
I've debated on contacting her about this (I'm guessing it would be pointless like it apparently was last time) or if I should just let it all go. You ladies typically have good friendship/relationship advice so I thought I'd throw this one out there for eyes much more objective than mine.
Last edited by Elladorine; 06-19-2012 at 07:32 PM.
I can understand this quite a bit. I called the past year my year of changes, and one of the major changes was that several of my friendships died. One friend took something I said out of context and un-friended me on Facebook. This, after 15 years of real life in-person friendship. I did not try to contact her after that- I figured her quick kick-to-the-curb of our friendship said all I needed to know about the value she placed on our friendship. Another friend just drifted away as she developed all new interests and lost interest in the activities we used to have. It turned very one sided, where the only time we saw each other was when I initiated contact, drove to her place, and took her out to dinner on my dime. She never returned the gesture and eventually I stopped calling her. My final friendship demise was with the woman who I considered my very best friend. And like your situation, she lived in another city in another country. Over Christmas she just blew me off and went from daily contact to not talking to me for weeks. When I sent her an email to say I missed her and didn't understand the distance, she got hostile. We didn't talk for months, and I thought it was totally over. Interestingly, she has been reaching out to me lately, but to be honest I no longer consider her my best friend. I feel like I became a friendship of convenience for her and she tends to pop in and pop out of my life now as the whim strikes her. I'm friendly when she contacts me, but she really damaged our friendship and my trust with her earlier behavior, something she has never explained to me let alone apologized for. I'm not sure I can return to the type of friendship we had before.
The changes in my friendships caused me to go through a blue period where I just felt bereft and abandoned. But the conclusion I came to was that it is actually the natural state of friendships for them to be temporary. It's actually very rare for friendships to last a lifetime. Friends we meet through work we often lose when we change jobs. Friends from school we often lose when life changes like marriage and babies happens to one, but not the other. Etc.
What I think hurts the most about it is that usually one friend reaches the conclusion that the friendship has run its course before the other friend does. And in this case, I think that's what has happened to you. Your friend's choice to not reach out to you when she's back in the States is probably a silent way of stating that the friendship isn't there any more, at least not to the extent that she's willing to take time from her family to see you. It sucks and it hurts but it's probably not malicious and probably not intended to hurt you at all. I think often what hurts the most about stuff like this is that it feels like rejection, and there's not any real closure.
If you really want, you could contact her and say that you saw through your mutual contacts that she's going to be (or is currently in) the States and that you would really like to catch up. See what she says.
First of all, yes, you do have the right to be hurt.
Its tough when friendships change because of distance. I live thousands of miles from everyone I was friends with for 25 of my 31 years. Its tough, and there are times where I mourn the fact that everyone's life has gone on without me (as mine has without them).
My advice would be a phone call or an email where you tell her that you love her and she means so much to you, and you've noticed that she's come and gone a couple of times, and it hurts you that she doesn't let you know because it feels like she's saying that she wouldn't want to see if you if it was possible. I would tell her that you value the friendship and you want it to continue, but that you respect that she may not feel the same way. Ask her to tell you if there's something you've done to hurt her, or if there's something going that you're not aware of.
I have always found this to be the best approach. I think often we go with anger in this situations, when its not anger really, its pain and frustration.
Feelings are feelings. Of course you have the right to feel however it is you feel when you are feeling it.
BUT.
Feelings are not always logical.
Quote:
And I feel completely childish to feel so hurt and left out, and wonder why I have any expectations at all from her at this point.
Why DO you have expectations of her? She's a FB friend at this stage and age. She's not your local best friend of teenagerdom.
I do not know if my perspective will help. Here's where I'm seeing it as a stranger outsider:
Quote:
You expect an adult long distance FB friend, who lives in England, who has her grown up life there, to alert YOU in Las Vegas where you have your grown up life now whenever she comes to your childhood hometown type area in Wisconsin when she comes to see the family of origin of hers that may still be there. And if she doesn't, you will feel hurt.
That makes no sense to me as an expectation of other country FB friend. Why have this expectation? She's traveling to see her family of origin, dude. That's the point of her trip. And you are not family of origin. Maybe she'd be better on the heads up if you lived in WI still.
But LAS VEGAS? That's nowhere near there.
Last time you brought this up she apologized and said to come see her in England any time. To me that reads as "Ok, not on family obligations time, but I'm open to negotiation. A friend time could be."
Negotiate then! "Yo! I'm up for it. You up? Me there? You here? Meet in the middle? Let's talk!"
My HS FB best friend and I never see each other and she's just up a few states over. I noticed she came here for her sister's grad on her fb and was a few hours away. I had NO interested in meeting up because she was knee deep in family obligations but it did prompt me to shout out "Aw, man. So close! But no cigar. So let's meet up!" and so we planned a separate friend thing for later in the year. Easy enough. But just because her family of origin is near me doesn't mean I expect her to give me the shout any time she comes. She's here on family business, not friend business.
It doesn't mean our friendship died. It means it moved to another plane -- we just cannot see each other daily any more like we did as kids. It's continued friendship on another frequency.
Now look at your triggers... the ones your hit in your post.
Quote:
Last year, as I was in the middle of planning an emergency trip to my hometown in Illinois to visit a dying family member,
Quote:
I found out from a mutual friend that she was coming back again to the states to visit family.
Quote:
I watched as her and family (some of whom I'm FB friends with) made all kinds of posts celebrating her return to WI. And it just . . . hurt.
Quote:
Maybe this would slide off my back easier if I'd had a better year (family issues, health issues, miscarriage).
Are you sure your prob is your FB friend?
Are you sure you aren't missing family, craving nuture, and she's the trigger because from outside appearances her family life seems all hunky dory and you feel like yours isn't? (maybe hers isn't as hunky as it looks from the FB window looking in. I sure don't post the family realities on MY facebook.)
Or pegging this on the former friend because she was part of a time/life you are wishing you could go back to? Your family of origin, the best friend of that time for you? Because you are facing mourning a loved one, loss of a pregnancy with the miscarriage, and I don't know what all?
What's going on in Las Vegas? Do you have enough family/friend network there to sustain you? (You don't actually have to answer.)
I just wanted to hold up that maybe you are putting this all in this hurtness and muddly feelings thing in the "old friend bucket," when the probs are really in the "my family bucket."
Could that be a possibility?
Or maybe you do need to accept that this teenager time best friend is not also your adult time best friend. And your adult time best friend might not be your senior time best friend. This is just life. It is not your fault, her fault, etc.
There's friendships of age and stage, geography/location, and the most rare - friends of a lifetime.
You are tight friends because you are in the same age/stage -- high school. Then not tight and just regular or casual pals past that stage.
Or you are best friends because of location -- because you work in the same office for instance. Then less so when one of you moves to another job.
Maybe she's just not in the lifetime bucket. Enjoy her for what she was (tighter teen BF), what is today (FB level casual from a distance).
I mean, why can't she just fade down like she faded into your life? People arrive for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Rare are the lifetimes.
That's better than some drama break up scene with back stabbings and crap! The slow fade that is nobody fault, you still like each other fine just... circumstances changed, the season ended.
However it is...
If it's just changing the frequency and changing expectations like me with my HS pal...
Or if it is the end of a season...
I hope you find peace in yourself and can shed these muddly feelings. Don't hang on to them. Let them blow thru.
You seem down today. I hope things get more uplifting.
I'm going through something very similar with an old friend of 18+ years. We both live in Illinois, I am close to the city and she's way out in the boonies. We were great friends when we both drank, and both were suffering in dysfunctional marriages...
Flash forward to 2008 and we both started to grow apart. Both divorced, I moved on with a very nice man, she's still dabbling with alcohol and bad men...I'm very patient about it though...until now. I have a 9 year old that takes up a lot of my time, her daughter is 19 and no longer lives at home. I can't just drop everything to see her whenever but she wants me to pack up last minute for a weekend in Vegas....um, I'm a single parent. I see her efforts on FB to hang out with people in Chicago but when I ask her to meet me out in the NW burbs I'm "too far" or she breaks plans to do something more important with whoever she's dating that month. She has become all about herself, her looks and her boyfriends. I don't drink anymore so I guess I'm too boring. I send her gifts every birthday, I get nothing...you get the idea.
I finally said something about 2 weeks ago and I was very blunt about it. I told her flat out she's no longer being a good friend and it's very one-sided. I'm sick of having a phone friendship (she only calls me when she's having BF drama but when I need to talk forget it) or if we do go out it has to revolve around alcohol which doesn't interest me so we hardly see each other. It killed me to lay it all out on the table but I feel very hurt. She acknowledged I was right about her not being a good friend and that we should talk it out after the dust settles. I haven't heard from her since and I am not sure if I even care anymore. I'm sure she's too wrapped up in her newest guy. We have grown apart.
Bottom line your friend in England, for whatever reason, feels you two grew apart also but doesn't have the balls to tell you. I would tell her exactly how you feel and see what happens, or just move on. It hurts but people definitely veer down different paths, maybe someday the paths will meet back in the middle but who knows. I'm going through the same thing myself so I don't know what to expect from here.
What I think hurts the most about it is that usually one friend reaches the conclusion that the friendship has run its course before the other friend does. And in this case, I think that's what has happened to you. Your friend's choice to not reach out to you when she's back in the States is probably a silent way of stating that the friendship isn't there any more, at least not to the extent that she's willing to take time from her family to see you. It sucks and it hurts but it's probably not malicious and probably not intended to hurt you at all. I think often what hurts the most about stuff like this is that it feels like rejection, and there's not any real closure.
^^This is exactly what I was trying to say but Eagle said it best.
Thank you for the comments, everyone! I knew I could count on you guys to relate and have a more objective eye. I guess I've been in a really bad place lately, and wanted to reach out to an old friend . . . and it hurts that she's not reaching back. But it's something I need to get over. I'm not sure if I see her life as easier or more glamorous than mine right now, but maybe I do. I do realize travel's expensive, but she's promised to visit me in Vegas several times while in the states, and last year she said she'd let me know in advance when she'd be in Wisconsin again (it would be so much easier for me to visit IL/WI than England anytime soon).
Her mom took me under her wing after my dad died (my mom had already passed away many years before) and said she was "adopting" me. I pretty much became a member of the family, like my friend and I were sisters. I was always included the all the family functions (Christmas, birthday parties, BBQ's, visiting Grandma's house, etc., even vacations) and would even be introduced as the "sister" or "daughter" in mixed company. Which was wonderful and amazing to me since until I'd met them I felt very alone since moving to WI for my then boyfriend's job. My brother had pretty much disowned me at that point (long story there) and I had no close family nearby, and I was struggling through an abusive relationship at home (I think I was doing my best at the time to keep that aspect under wraps, but most probably knew better).
She and I went on a road trip together to California to visit my mom's family when plans to go to Florida with her sister fell through, and when we came back home she was different. She broke up with her boyfriend (a good thing, since that was an abusive relationship as well) but she kinda went nuts after that. She became obsessed with social networking and started to arrange meeting online friends in the area for drinking, all-night partying, and potential relationships with other girls (apparently that's when her inner lesbian came out). I think she thought I'd be judgmental about her sexual orientation as she'd lie to me about what she was up to, but I'd let her know many times before that I'm open-minded and have no issues when it comes to sexual orientation. What I was actually worried about was the sudden change in her behaviour (she had never been a drinker before and was now hitting the bars and getting wasted on a nightly basis, and I suspected she was also experimenting with drugs). Anyway, we hit a rough patch for a few months when she continued to lie and did some pretty hurtful things to me. In the meantime, I finally broke up with my ex and started a long-distance relationship with an online friend I'd already known for some time. When I was in danger of losing my house (the ex owed me a substantial amount of money, leaving me behind on all the bills), I asked my friend's mom if I could temporarily move in with her while I was trying to save up and move to Vegas to be with my new boyfriend. She suggested I talk to her daughter about temporarily moving in with her instead since she had the room and we could then work on making amends. Which is what happened. So I stayed with my friend at her place for about a month and we had a lot of fun together, like old times. And when it came time for me to take off for Vegas to make the new start I was so desperately needing (the ex was simply a nightmare and I was feeling rather lost over other things, like the situation with my brother), she was ANGRY. How dare I leave her like that for "some guy" I'd met on the internet and "barely knew." I pointed out all the social networking and online dating she'd done and asked how my situation was any different. She told me it was different because girls were more trustworthy than guys. She actually took the phone out of my hands once when I was talking to him and screamed that he couldn't take me away from her, which I guess revealed the real issue she had with me leaving. We hugged and were both crying the morning I left, but I was still angry over the way she'd been acting. I suspect she was still pretty angry with me too. My car broke down in the middle of Nebraska on the way to Vegas, and I couldn't afford to repair it. When I told her about it and was trying to figure out what to do, she said it served me right for leaving and that it was a bad sign that he and I would never work out. :/
A few months after I'd settled into Vegas, she called to apologize over everything. She had just started a long-distance relationship with someone in England that she'd originally met in WI, and understood the need I had to be with my guy and how hard it is to be apart when you've fallen in love. She eventually moved there and applied for a visa, and got a civil partnership with her wife. As for my once long-distance boyfriend, he and I got married. She and I eventually talked things over and it felt like things were ok between us, despite the distance. I told her I was glad she'd finally found the right person and deserved to be happy, and that it must be exciting to live in a whole different country. Also that I said it was good that we'd both gotten to a better place and had settled down (we had both faced a lot of big limitations and scary uncertainties with our exes).
So I'm not sure what I'm expecting right now. We used to spend more time with each other than our own boyfriends, and I guess I miss that. And don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my new family. I haven't made any actual friends since moving though, unless you count the TOPS ladies. Whom I love to death, but they're all so much older than me and we aren't into the same tings beyond wanting to lose weight. I'm in reasonable driving distance with my mom's family in California now, which is always a plus. I've had a bit of trouble adapting in general because I have some pretty bad anxieties (many of which built up because of the ex, I think) and I miss having a girl friend my age, if that makes sense. Someone to go shopping with, to talk about random stuff with. The closest things I have are both my sisters-in-law, but we have absolutely nothing in common and don't hang out outside of family functions.
Oh, and there's the miscarriage I mentioned. I found out that I was pregnant right after one of my sisters-in-law did, and we were excited to be having a baby around the same time and talked about our kids growing up together. I was supposed to be due next month, but lost it in January. SIL had her baby last week, and I know I've been having a hard time with that. I'm so happy for her but can't help but think about the one I lost. I broke down a few weeks back when a stranger called me "fat hippo," of all things (I even made a thread about that one here). I also had a major scare with my health this past week; saw spots and went to the doctor, where I was promptly reprimanded for not going to the ER because I was in danger of going blind! I've seen two specialists since and they still don't know what's exactly wrong, but at least they didn't see major issues from the dilations and it looks like I won't need any surgery yet.
So I guess I've been a nervous wreck lately. We're talking about moving soon, and trying to get pregnant again. That emergency trip I made back home last year was to visit my dying cousin, one of my last connections to my mother (she and my mom grew up together as best friends so I always considered her to be an aunt). And while there, I attempted to make amends with my brother. He and I had a horrible falling out when our dad died (even longer story on that one, but he attacked me over some things) and his recent divorce at least humbled him back into someone relatable again. I've cried for years over what happened bewteen us, and cried all over again after I found out how much he let his ex-wife ruin his relationship with both me and our father. Things still aren't completely resolved between us, and he owes me a great deal of money that I probably won't see anytime soon . . .
I think I do know what I need . . . to get out and make new friends. Find more places to be social. It's been hard with the anxieties I have (I've gotten better over time but still face anxiety attacks in some social situations). Anyway, I apologize for this being so long and rambling, but I think it's helped me to type this all out. I seem to be feeling a little better. Thanks for giving me the chance to vent like this.
And it does seem to be all about "family bucket" things here -- esp with you friend and her family being your surrogate family in the past.
I'm glad your friend and her wife are doing well, and I'm glad you and your spouse have endured all these things and are hopefully due for an upswing and you will try to make friends and meet people and start making Las Vegas more of your home and put new roots down.
But could part of her wacky at the time been due to a crush on YOU? Maybe not, and at this point it doesn't really matter. You both moved on romantically. But being a bit more forgiving -- both of yourself and your friend might help.
Coming to grips with one's sexuality and growing up is hard, and more so when identifying as lesbigay. Teens that ID as lesbigay have extra layers to deal with because not everyone IS open minded.
It doesn't actually sound like she's being mean to be MEAN. It sounds like you both had an INTENSE period of life there and well... it gets intense!
I can see where you wanted to tap into some "nurture and comfort" vibes with your friend since you are so needing it right now -- but don't overproject your need on to her. She's one person, she's not a mind reader, and she's across the world to boot. Even if she gives her 100% to you (and she cannot, since obviously she is married and has her other obligations) you sound like you need MORE than one person on your team there for support. She can't be a whole football team alone, you know? Even if she wanted to!
Have you shared some of these feelings with your spouse?
And you make NO mention of what you do for your spiritual health. I see a lot of mind, emotion, and body buckets being mentioned, but how's your spirit bucket? What are you doing about that?
Ok, now that you've added to the story, here's a possibility:
It appears she had romantic feelings for you and felt you left her for your husband. She was angry about that. You worked through that, though. But she's in a domestic partnership with her own woman now. Considering she's gay, how do you suppose her partner views you? You're might be viewed as the unrequited love from her past.
For the same reason a married gal is unlikely to go hang out with a guy from her past (out of respect for her husband), this lady may be choosing not to hang out with you--- out of respect for her partner.
The spots you saw could be clots. I hope you do some follow up on that.
Wow, you ladies seemed to have this all figured out.
She told me early on in our friendship that she was a strong supporter of the gay/lesbian community, and even attended a support group while she was in high school. Not long after she told me that while still in high school, she announced that she was a lesbian and that her parents freaked out about it. Her mom kept saying, "what about having children?" while informing her that the news had depressed her dad enough to send him into therapy. She eventually met her boyfriend online; he lived out of state but after meeting in person a few times they found a place to rent. He moved down and covered their bills until she could finish high school and find a job. She told me her relationship with him made her realize that she liked guys after all (and looking back, maybe it was just easier for her to conform to what her parents wanted, as it ended up being a bad relationship she stayed way too long in).
There was a point where she started sending me carefully cropped, yet rather explicit nude photos of herself to me through IM. I wasn't sure at the time if it was her attempt to boost up her self-esteem like she was apparently doing with other photos (she was totally into the whole "myspace-type" of photos with weird angles in an attempt to look thinner/more attractive) or if she was awkwardly trying to flirt with me. And as we were planning our road trip to California, she stressed several times not to take it the wrong way if she "tried something in bed" with me while we were gone. At the time I thought she was joking, but I also knew that whether we were at a hotel or at my grandma's, we'd be sharing a bed. She ended up covering herself from head to foot (including putting up the hood of her hoodie over her head!), wrapping herself up in a sleeping bag, piling on several blankets, and even propping several pillows between us as if all that was her way of preventing something from happening between us. She also got pretty cranky and aggressive with me, and insisted that we stop and visit some of the friends she'd made online on the way there and back (the only people she actively looked to friend through social networks at the time were lesbians, so I think she was trying to figure things out). Before we made it home she excitedly stated that we should just break up with our boyfriends and move in together upon our arrival, and whether or not it was supposed to involve something further, I must admit I was pretty excited about the thought of starting over with her support. We even talked about picking out a new place that would work for us, with no reminders of the soon-to-be exes lingering over our heads.
We went to Disneyland before we left California, and our first half hour in the park was spent with her arguing very loudly with her boyfriend on the phone. And sometime around lunch, my boyfriend called me. I asked him if he'd cleaned the living room yet like I'd asked (he'd made a pig sty out of it and I'd told him I wanted it clean before I made it back home) and he got very angry and defensive with me, basically saying how dare I question him about it when he'd already cleaned it anyway. I let it go. My friend and I ended up making it back to WI several hours early since I pulled an all-nighter on the last day of driving. I dropped her off at her house and planned on crashing at mine. And when I stepped inside, I couldn't even walk through the living room, and the boyfriend was asleep on the couch. I was too upset and worn out to deal with it, so I headed upstairs to bed. But I was hurt and angry. He didn't do as I'd asked and as usual, lied to me about it. My friend soon called me, telling me how her boyfriend had apologized to her once she'd gotten home, that he said things were going to be different and he'd treat her right, and that he'd missed her so much. I just started crying. I was surrounded by a huge mess, felt I had nowhere to go, and it looked like she was too happy with her boyfriend to follow through on her offer for us to move in together.
But in a matter of weeks, they broke up. They decided to remain living together while seeing other people (I thought that was a recipe for disaster, but that wasn't my mistake to make). That was when she started drinking and partying, and began bragging about her one night stands to me. She also started lying to me about where she was more often than not (as if I couldn't see her networking posts) and constantly cancelled plans with me. The only time she ever called was when she needed a ride (she didn't drive). She also started dating out-of-state friends she'd "met" on myspace, and sometimes asked me if I'd drive her out to meet them if she gave me gas money.
There was the one time we went out to eat for lunch before work (we worked at the same company but usually in different locations, but I always gave her a ride). This particular time she casually mentioned that she'd had a crush on me when she first met me. I got all giggly and later recognized that the weird light-headedness I was feeling was the same experience I had when I'd first met my boyfriend. I got confused and scared. Later that day while we were at work, we were texting back and forth a little. She bluntly said I needed to lose my boyfriend and settle down with a nice girl. I thought she meant herself, and quickly told her I'd already found someone; she didn't realize I meant her and I ended up having to clarify it. She then told me that she loved me and would always love me, but I was apparently too late; she didn't feel "that way" about me anymore.
I was heartbroken. I struggled to hide my tears at work, and quickly regretted telling her I liked her that way. Things got awkward between us real fast, and her only calling me for a ride got even worse. I can't tell you how hard it was to be asked to get driven to the next town for "shopping" when she'd suddenly have a "change of plans" after the fact, and would ask to get dropped her off at her latest girlfriend's house while making it clear I wasn't invited. I got so sick of and it and was on the verge of telling her off when I got a call from my boyfriend at my work the one night. He was in the hospital and had been in a bad car accident. I told her she was getting no ride from me that night as I rushed over to the hospital, not knowing how bad the situation was since his phone had cut off.
He ended up with only minor injuries, but his car was totalled and I was scared to death. I often rode to his work with him to hang out in Madison, and the passenger side of the car was completely caved in. Had I been with him during the accident I'd have either been seriously injured or killed, and that changed a lot of things in my head, for better or for worse. I decided I needed to focus on he and I, to work on saving our relationship if there was still any chance for it to work out.
And it did work out for a while. My friend moved to the next town over when she got in a serious relationship, and I . . . well, I got severely depressed and sort of went into hiding. I didn't fully understand at the time why losing my friend had hurt so much, but I'd hoped that focusing on my boyfriend was the right thing to do. At first I thought I was in love with her and maybe I was for a short time, but after a while I think I realized that I simply had a hard time accepting her as a lesbian. Not because I have any issues with homosexuality, but because I'd been used to it just being her and I for so long, and her seeing other girls but in a romantic way ended up being a strain on our friendship. :/ But friendship isn't socially exclusive like most romantic relationships are, and it would never be fair of me to ask her not to see other people if we weren't romantically involved ourselves. It's still strange and confusing to look back upon even now. So we didn't speak for several months, but tentatively hung out once in a while at the insistance of a mutual friend. That involved nothing but drinking at bars though. One of her girlfriends at the time once pulled me aside, knowing the problems we were having, and told me that my friend talked about me constantly. The girlfriend said she'd told her it sounded like we had a friendship too important to lose and hoped that we'd be able to mend things.
In the meantime, things started getting really bad with my boyfriend, which all came to a head the night he pulled me out of my chair in a fit of rage and shook me, demanding that I hit him so he'd apparently have an excuse to hit me back; when I refused he started hitting himself, screaming . There's a lot more to it than that; he had rising OCD issues and developed an AIDS phobia (which I later learned was a manifestion over the guilt he'd felt from cheating on me), he was also a liar and decided to quit his job and live off my my money when he couldn't mooch enough off his mom. Anyway, it was all too much for me to handle, and I eventually realized how selfish he was (still lots of stuff I haven't even started to get into) and that there was simply no fixing us. But I was so scared to be alone and no longer had much of a support system (I've got those anxiety problems as well as self-esteem issues) so it still took me a few months to break it off.
My friend got a hold of me on IM soon after I'd broken it off with my ex that December, and I told her the good news. She said she was excited for me, and that she and her mom had talked about how I needed to "kick him back to his mama" long before. I was invited over to her sister's for a family dinner on Christmas Eve, where I told them all more good news, that I was dating someone online. None of them seemed at all happy about it except for her brother, and my friend stressed that I needed time to "find myself" before jumping into another relationship. She seemed like one to talk. It was a few months yet before her mom suggested I move in with her when I was struggling to pay the bills. My friend had just broken up with one girl and had started dating another, and the new girlfriend clearly didn't like me being there and was in the process of moving in too. I can only imagine it was jealousy issues, but I'll never know for sure. It's quite possible and even likely my friend had feelings for me at the time, but with her constantly dating other girls after clearly rejecting me, it didn't seem right for her to snap at me out of jealousy. Not that it prevented her from snapping at me for leaving her for my husband.
It ended up being a fun, yet stressful and awkward month for me, and I don't think my friend thought I was even brave enough to leave like I did. Maybe she was hoping to start things with me at some point and was shocked that I was actually leaving? I don't know. What I do know is that she and her girlfriend broke up just days after I left for Vegas, and I'm guessing the girlfriend may have sensed my friend had feelings for me. My friend soon started the relationship with the UK woman that was in WI visiting family, and it turned into the long-distance relationship when she had to go back home. She's the one that eventually became her wife.
I have no clue what her wife thinks of me or even how much she knows about me. It's very possible that she does see me as a threat or that my friend is avoiding me out of respect for her relationship but I'll likely never know. My friend and I are in such different places now, both figuratively and literally. And to be honest, I don't think my friend expected my now husband and I to last any length of time (and maybe I expected the same of her and her wife, given her crazy track record from before). But I've seen a lot of positive changes in her since she moved overseas, even in just the way she dresses (as in, she no longer hides under long, dark, and baggy clothes). I know I've gone through a lot of positive changes myself, despite some of the recent hardships that have been nobody's fault. I'm closer to my mom's family than ever now that I can visit more often, and my aunt has pretty much taken me under her wing, and has even tried to help smooth things out between me and my older brother. She was scared and sceptical when I first told her and Grandma that I'd met a guy online and was moving to Vegas to be with him, which is understandable, but her fears disappeared when she met him. It's just . . . I dunno, starting completely over by moving across the country was something I think I needed; it's just that it hasn't always been easy. But this new life and my relationship with my husband has been worth all the crap I went through, and I feel so lucky to have found him (or rather, that he found me). I was also so anxious to get away from WI and especially IL, given that I have a lot of bad memories there. But I guess it's normal to want to hold onto the good aspects of my old life, as well as the positive connections. It's kinda hard to feel so completely disconnected from the world I grew up in; I was relatively young when I lost my parents (lost both my middle brother and my mom when I was still a teenager and losing my dad later was extra devastating) and have always been too shy to be reasonably apt at making new friends. So when I make a good friend, maybe I want to hold on too much? I've already lost so many loved ones in my life and don't quite know what to do with myself sometimes. And despite our still semi-broken friendship, this person is one of the few connections I have to my old life. I do agree that it's not a fair burden to put upon her, which means I still need to concentrate on building my life up out here.
I had a hard time adapting. I'd never lived in a big city before aside from my college dorm and went through months of horrible migraines upon my arrival; luckily I figured out it was because I drinking sodas sweetened with aspartame, and giving them up put a stop to it. And since I no longer had my car (I had to sell it when it broke down in Nebraska) I had to learn how to drive my husband's stick. Shouldn't have been a big deal, but with all the stuff I went through my anxieties got pretty bad and driving that thing would give me panic attacks. I often felt like I was in floating in the middle of the ocean, clinging to a buoy, afraid that I'd get lost and drown if I dared let go. I've slowly gotten better, healing with time and a lot of hard work. I started to focus on losing weight again, eventually joining a TOPS club mostly for the much-needed social aspect of it (which has helped a lot with my anxieties). I still have a long ways to go with my anxieties but I've made a lot of progress.
As for my eyes, I already have two follow-up appointments and have been making a list of questions to bring with me. I'll be sure to ask about the possibility of blood clots (thanks for bringing that up, hadn't thought of that), and have been informed to contact them and/or hit the ER if I notice any changes with my vision. I have extreme myopia and ocular hypertension, so I already have an elevated risk for certain types of eye problems (I already have mild central retinal and lattice degeneration).
As for my spirituality, I've been a little lost with that for a while. My brother is extremely religious, and he's often used his faith as an excuse to be judgmental toward me and others, which turned me off from my own spirituality long ago. My husband was raised in a more religious household than mine, but we share very similar beliefs about the spiritual world and life in general even though we don't often discuss them. It hasn't been a priority for a while, but maybe it should be? I don't know.
Anyway, thank you for the further responses. It's given me a lot more to consider as I try to get this sorted out in my head. I've needed some type of closure on this for ages.
Last edited by Elladorine; 06-20-2012 at 03:32 PM.
Ok, so you and the teen best friend had the romance that never quite was but was. You didn't quite have it but you had it, and you didn't quite have the romance closure break up thing, but you had it too.
And now you were getting it all mixed up in your friendship channel thing and overprojecting stuff cuz you have endured ANOTHER intense time thing in Las Vegas.
Chalk that up to life being Life, rather than her being all mean GRR at you.
Again, it is what it was during a seriously intense time of your young past lives. Just one thing in there -- coming into your own adult sexuality, abusive rships, parent deaths (you) parent disapproval (her), bad boyfriends on and on... would rock boats. You guys dealt with MANY.
Rather than being all "my ex-gf / best friend is not with me 100% any more!" I'd be more like "My god! What she an I have endured! Geography makes it so it's different, but we're STILL in touch after all that! That's awesome!"
Are you suffering depression since your move out there? Get the emotion/mind health bucket checked out. It's good to vent/journal/let some of this out, but people here are not pros and I think you sound like you need extra support still.
Show all this to your spouse and get his input. Are things not good there that you don't want to share it?
I'm glad you are getting the eye thing checked out for your body health bucket.
On the spirit health bucket -- well, I'd suggest looking up James Fowler and his faith development chart. Or "finding your religion" for the faith development chart there. It doesn't much matter what the actual PATH FLAVOR the person chooses is. (Jewish, Buddhist, atheist, agnostic, etc)
Humans all have a faith development chart. Just like we have a emotional skills chart, a physical skills. Things like -- The baby sits up around 6 mos, the baby starts crawling/walking around 9-12 mos and so on.
It's the same for spiritual development/development of faith. You have to exercise the spirit skills to grow it.
And that can help comfort one (spiritual bucket skills/their path flavor of faith express, etc) when times are rough and help fill them up when they feel empty. Maybe cruise resources at www.belief.net and take the Belief-o-matic quiz.
You sound kinda down and kinda empty to me there too. So maybe think about doing what you need to do to feed your spirit health bucket.
Then you can be more healthy across the board -- mind, body, heart, & spirit.
Thank you for the comments, everyone! I knew I could count on you guys to relate and have a more objective eye. I guess I've been in a really bad place lately, and wanted to reach out to an old friend . . . and it hurts that she's not reaching back. But it's something I need to get over. I'm not sure if I see her life as easier or more glamorous than mine right now, but maybe I do. I do realize travel's expensive, but she's promised to visit me in Vegas several times while in the states, and last year she said she'd let me know in advance when she'd be in Wisconsin again (it would be so much easier for me to visit IL/WI than England anytime soon).
Her mom took me under her wing after my dad died (my mom had already passed away many years before) and said she was "adopting" me. I pretty much became a member of the family, like my friend and I were sisters. I was always included the all the family functions (Christmas, birthday parties, BBQ's, visiting Grandma's house, etc., even vacations) and would even be introduced as the "sister" or "daughter" in mixed company. Which was wonderful and amazing to me since until I'd met them I felt very alone since moving to WI for my then boyfriend's job. My brother had pretty much disowned me at that point (long story there) and I had no close family nearby, and I was struggling through an abusive relationship at home (I think I was doing my best at the time to keep that aspect under wraps, but most probably knew better).
She and I went on a road trip together to California to visit my mom's family when plans to go to Florida with her sister fell through, and when we came back home she was different. She broke up with her boyfriend (a good thing, since that was an abusive relationship as well) but she kinda went nuts after that. She became obsessed with social networking and started to arrange meeting online friends in the area for drinking, all-night partying, and potential relationships with other girls (apparently that's when her inner lesbian came out). I think she thought I'd be judgmental about her sexual orientation as she'd lie to me about what she was up to, but I'd let her know many times before that I'm open-minded and have no issues when it comes to sexual orientation. What I was actually worried about was the sudden change in her behaviour (she had never been a drinker before and was now hitting the bars and getting wasted on a nightly basis, and I suspected she was also experimenting with drugs). Anyway, we hit a rough patch for a few months when she continued to lie and did some pretty hurtful things to me. In the meantime, I finally broke up with my ex and started a long-distance relationship with an online friend I'd already known for some time. When I was in danger of losing my house (the ex owed me a substantial amount of money, leaving me behind on all the bills), I asked my friend's mom if I could temporarily move in with her while I was trying to save up and move to Vegas to be with my new boyfriend. She suggested I talk to her daughter about temporarily moving in with her instead since she had the room and we could then work on making amends. Which is what happened. So I stayed with my friend at her place for about a month and we had a lot of fun together, like old times. And when it came time for me to take off for Vegas to make the new start I was so desperately needing (the ex was simply a nightmare and I was feeling rather lost over other things, like the situation with my brother), she was ANGRY. How dare I leave her like that for "some guy" I'd met on the internet and "barely knew." I pointed out all the social networking and online dating she'd done and asked how my situation was any different. She told me it was different because girls were more trustworthy than guys. She actually took the phone out of my hands once when I was talking to him and screamed that he couldn't take me away from her, which I guess revealed the real issue she had with me leaving. We hugged and were both crying the morning I left, but I was still angry over the way she'd been acting. I suspect she was still pretty angry with me too. My car broke down in the middle of Nebraska on the way to Vegas, and I couldn't afford to repair it. When I told her about it and was trying to figure out what to do, she said it served me right for leaving and that it was a bad sign that he and I would never work out. :/
A few months after I'd settled into Vegas, she called to apologize over everything. She had just started a long-distance relationship with someone in England that she'd originally met in WI, and understood the need I had to be with my guy and how hard it is to be apart when you've fallen in love. She eventually moved there and applied for a visa, and got a civil partnership with her wife. As for my once long-distance boyfriend, he and I got married. She and I eventually talked things over and it felt like things were ok between us, despite the distance. I told her I was glad she'd finally found the right person and deserved to be happy, and that it must be exciting to live in a whole different country. Also that I said it was good that we'd both gotten to a better place and had settled down (we had both faced a lot of big limitations and scary uncertainties with our exes).
So I'm not sure what I'm expecting right now. We used to spend more time with each other than our own boyfriends, and I guess I miss that. And don't get me wrong, I love my husband and my new family. I haven't made any actual friends since moving though, unless you count the TOPS ladies. Whom I love to death, but they're all so much older than me and we aren't into the same tings beyond wanting to lose weight. I'm in reasonable driving distance with my mom's family in California now, which is always a plus. I've had a bit of trouble adapting in general because I have some pretty bad anxieties (many of which built up because of the ex, I think) and I miss having a girl friend my age, if that makes sense. Someone to go shopping with, to talk about random stuff with. The closest things I have are both my sisters-in-law, but we have absolutely nothing in common and don't hang out outside of family functions.
Oh, and there's the miscarriage I mentioned. I found out that I was pregnant right after one of my sisters-in-law did, and we were excited to be having a baby around the same time and talked about our kids growing up together. I was supposed to be due next month, but lost it in January. SIL had her baby last week, and I know I've been having a hard time with that. I'm so happy for her but can't help but think about the one I lost. I broke down a few weeks back when a stranger called me "fat hippo," of all things (I even made a thread about that one here). I also had a major scare with my health this past week; saw spots and went to the doctor, where I was promptly reprimanded for not going to the ER because I was in danger of going blind! I've seen two specialists since and they still don't know what's exactly wrong, but at least they didn't see major issues from the dilations and it looks like I won't need any surgery yet.
So I guess I've been a nervous wreck lately. We're talking about moving soon, and trying to get pregnant again. That emergency trip I made back home last year was to visit my dying cousin, one of my last connections to my mother (she and my mom grew up together as best friends so I always considered her to be an aunt). And while there, I attempted to make amends with my brother. He and I had a horrible falling out when our dad died (even longer story on that one, but he attacked me over some things) and his recent divorce at least humbled him back into someone relatable again. I've cried for years over what happened bewteen us, and cried all over again after I found out how much he let his ex-wife ruin his relationship with both me and our father. Things still aren't completely resolved between us, and he owes me a great deal of money that I probably won't see anytime soon . . .
I think I do know what I need . . . to get out and make new friends. Find more places to be social. It's been hard with the anxieties I have (I've gotten better over time but still face anxiety attacks in some social situations). Anyway, I apologize for this being so long and rambling, but I think it's helped me to type this all out. I seem to be feeling a little better. Thanks for giving me the chance to vent like this.
have you considered the possiblity that she wanted to be with you? and now she's moved on
After getting much of this out of my system, receiving all your feedback, and sleeping on it, I'm hoping I can see things a little more clearly now.
I guess our relationship had a lot of undefined aspects to it, and that had to have contributed to the lack of closure over the way things went when I took off for Vegas. And I know my current emotional state has been the reason I've wanted to reach out to her again. I'm not crying about it anymore, or at least, not crying about her. She did help me get through a very difficult portion of my life (the death of my father, arguments and judgments from my brother, issues with my ex) and I'm thankful to her for that. And maybe that should be enough.
I know things will get better here. They always do. I'm thankful that I'm in a good, solid, loving relationship, that I have a roof over my head and plenty to eat. It hasn't been easy to forget when I either didn't have these things or was on the verge of losing them.
Once again, I feel better, so thank you for all the feedback. Here's to a new day.
Do I even have the right to feel hurt?
You ladies typically have good friendship/relationship advice so I thought I'd throw this one out there for eyes much more objective than mine. 
I guess I've been in a really bad place lately, and wanted to reach out to an old friend . . . and it hurts that she's not reaching back. But it's something I need to get over. I'm not sure if I see her life as easier or more glamorous than mine right now, but maybe I do. I do realize travel's expensive, but she's promised to visit me in Vegas several times while in the states, and last year she said she'd let me know in advance when she'd be in Wisconsin again (it would be so much easier for me to visit IL/WI than England anytime soon).
It was a few months yet before her mom suggested I move in with her when I was struggling to pay the bills. My friend had just broken up with one girl and had started dating another, and the new girlfriend clearly didn't like me being there and was in the process of moving in too. I can only imagine it was jealousy issues, but I'll never know for sure. It's quite possible and even likely my friend had feelings for me at the time, but with her constantly dating other girls after clearly rejecting me, it didn't seem right for her to snap at me out of jealousy. Not that it prevented her from snapping at me for leaving her for my husband.
