Glad you are doing better. And it IS a new day.

Hopefully thinking of her as "My ex GF who is still a friend" will help you keep your expectations of her friendship to you NOW more realistic. It's just not realistic to expect your married ex to be calling you when they go to your old hometown to see family of origin when you are not even there yourself but in Las Vegas! How long ago did this happen? The way you write it sounds like you haven't been in Las vegas married all THAT long.

If it is that fresh, I can see why you yearn for your ex-GF since she was there through so much for you in the past in emotional upheaval times. And perhaps you are sorry you never to to take it to the level you wished for in your romance thing.

But that's kinda overstepping it there since you are married now, she is married, you have to just be pals and only pals and not expect girlfriend-y things from your ex-gf/best friend who is now your FAR AWAY MARRIED EX. Given that most people aren't even friends with their ex's that you are FB friends an in touch at all is amazingly mature. So keep it there -- the mature place.

Do not overburden and overexpect girlfriend/partner level support from an ex. You have your own spouse and so does she. Keep good boundaries there and don't interpret her keeping good boundaries there as some rejection of you because you guys did NOT keep good boundaries in the past.

You are grown ups now, right? MARRIED grown ups committed to other life partners. Keep it real. If you have not finished figuring you out, well... that is your prob not hers. Respect that she has, and be happy for her in her married life as a good friend would. A good friend doesn't go making waves in someone else's marriage. If/when you ever visit her in England as she invited you to do, go there keeping it in the friend bucket!

You are going to have emotional states and times in your life again, like you have been lately now.

It sounds to me like you are having to learn NEW coping mechanisms in a new place.

Again... open up more to your spouse, make new friends, tend to your buckets one at a time -- mind, body, heart, soul -- all your buckets so you are healthier person across the board.

Glad the crying is subsiding. Let it out, let it flow, let it process and most of all LET IT GO. If you need to tap some professional to help you to let it go, do it. Grief counselor, whatever.

Your scary eye thing right now is bad enough to be sorting.

And then the new SIL baby this month bringing up miscarriage disappointments because well, could YOU not have a new baby by now had that not happened? Seeing this new mom and new baby having family support of some kind that you maybe crave for yourself in other ways given your family history past pushing some inner buttons -- I can see that.

Maybe this is not affecting your husband like it is you and you kinda resent him for that? "How could he move on so fast since the miscarriage" type feelings making him not your fav person to turn to with the rest. Or you try and he's just not getting it or trying but also tired of hearing about it.

It's not his fault if he isn't -- he's not you and he processes his way and we all have breaking limits.

That sounds like pro counseling to me if you have been carrying this burden a while. Sort that out on the miscarriage grieving end and the others things -- don't park it all at his door, but don't carry it all on your shoulders either. Let some GO. See a doctor, a counselor, a minister, whatever. See someone, is my point.

Remember...

After a storm, that's when rainbows appear. So look UP, not down. Turn your face to the sun and now that things have been watered? Let the things you want to grow, GROW. And pull out the crazy weeds.

Rainfall makes it ALL grow out there in the yard -- it's on you as the gardener in your inner heart garden to keep the place well maintained. More than you can do alone? Hire some pros to get in here!

Get the weeds out now. A chore.

But smell the roses too. You are a new aunt, and there's some new innocent kid in this world who would love to you love as the Aunt. Appreciate your roses.

What you focus on, you get more of. And if all you want to focus on is weed things in the heart garden looking down all the time, looking for bad, looking for ugh?

You are not just missing the roses but the rainbows. And all you need to do is look over in the next pot or look up once in a while.

Indeed it is a new day, a new sun is breaking. Look up, lady! There may or may not be rainbows yet, the roses may not be out yet, and sun may be behind clouds. But still but it is DAY -- let the light into your heart garden!

Is it Elladorine - Sunny Disposition in your alias tag on there or not?

A.

I think I should clarify that my friend and I never knew each other as teenagers, we were both leading our grown-up lives when we first met. And looking back, she was more than just a friend. As more recently stated here, perhaps she was more of an actual girlfriend in a way, just outside the traditional definition with the physical aspect due to our lack of boundaries. More than anything else, I considered her family.

We did nearly everything together. We worked for the same company, together in the mornings, at separate sites in the afternoons. We ate lunch together every day, regardles of whether or not we worked. We spent a lot of time at either her mother's or one of her sibling's houses. We fixed meals together, built lesson plans, went on trips, dreamed of starting our own business, she even told me we should try getting pregnant at the same time so we could raise our kids together (neither of our boyfriends were ready to start a family though). The only part of our lives that we kept separate were our boyfriends; we had a connection for years but our boyfriends never even met each other once. My boyfriend did hang out with us once in a while, but I only met hers three times as he was a social recluse. She didn't drive and I was the one that took her everywhere (which made her boyfriend very happy, as it gave him more time to hide out in the house and play WoW).

Why do I say she was family? After my father died, I drove down to my hometown in IL to help with all the arrangements. When I came back, she was crying, telling me that she was scared about the possibility of me moving back home (like my boyfriend had been pushing for). She added that it had nothing to do with the fear she had of relying on me too much (the driving), but that she loved me and I was family now, and she couldn't stand the idea of losing me.

I discussed some of this with another friend yesterday, and she said with all that was going on, it was no wonder I was so confused. I'm thinking it's likely that she was in love with me, but for whatever reason couldn't follow through on having that type of relationship with me, hence all the mixed signals. One of the girls she dated she described as a "butch version" of me, which I found was very much on-target when I met her. And that hurt. It felt like she was trying to replace me, and maybe she subconsciously was. With the history she'd had with her boyfriend, I imagine part of her going crazy after the break-up was over all the frustrations that had to have been building up throughout the 7 years they'd been together. Besides being a social recluse, he had severe intimacy issues, a violent streak, and complete control over their money; I knew she wasn't happy and she often mentioned she had trouble seeing a future with him. He didn't even allow her to do certain things that might have improved her poor self-esteem, like wear certain kinds of clothes or any amount of make-up (she'd secretly save up change just so she could buy lip gloss to wear away from home, and it was wiped off and hidden before she'd return).

I know she never meant to hurt me, but the situation we somehow found ourselves in messed with my emotions pretty badly when she decided she needed to separate herself from me. I think I shut most of that out when I moved to Vegas, which was relatively easy to do when everything in my life had changed so dramatically. So maybe that's why it all came rushing back both times I found out she'd returned to the states without telling me. Yes, I agree that we've both moved on in a romantic sense, but I haven't forgotten the connection we once had. And maybe the reason it hurts so much is because it appears that she has. I'm honestly happy for her now that she's settled into a better place, and have even told her so; she acted surprised when I did, as if she expected me to be angry and spiteful for her moving on. Does she think of me as her unrequited love, even if it's only on a subconscious level? Is that how she thinks I see her? I don't know, and I guess it doesn't really matter at this point. We didn't have proper boundaries back then but they're definitely needed to keep everyone's feelings and respect in check. But honestly? I'm glad we never went any further than we did. Friendship is one thing, but both she and I needed a stronger partner for a serious relationship. And now that I think about it, maybe it's the reason she told me she wasn't interested, maybe she knew we'd never work as a couple and didn't want to endanger our friendship. But our friendship was a casualty regardless. I just wish those deeper feelings had never developed in the first place, as that might have been the only way we could have come out of this unscathed.

And once again, seeing her as an ex instead of just a friend really does seem to help my perspective of the situation as well as clarify what my expectations of her should be. It's obvious that she and I weren't on the same page if I mostly thought of her as a sister while she was apparently fighting off feeling something for me on a more intimate level. I feel rather silly sitting here, five years after the fact, happily married while continuing to ponder all this. But as I've already admitted, I've had a rough time lately, both now and late last year, when all this was first brought up again. I don't feel I have the right to feel hurt after all this time, yet here I am. But it's better now. Talking and writing has helped, especially with all the great feedback I've been given here. I think I already sensed some of what's happened but it's much more helpful to hear it from those outside the situation.

About the miscarriage, my husband has actually cried about it more than me and I think he's had a harder time with it overall, so I don't think there's any resentment in that aspect. If anything, I resent that maybe I'm not feeling enough. After the physical pain had subsided at the hospital, I was the one trying to reassure him, saying it was going to be alright and asking him not to cry (even though I understood he needed to, I think I was afraid if he kept crying I'd start too and not be able to stop). I think we're doing okay with understanding of each other's path of mourning, and we're both looking for our own ways to heal. It takes time. I was afraid I'd break down over seeing SIL's new baby, but I've found I'm keeping more of a distance than I'd like. Maybe I'm not ready to embrace her just yet, but I know I'll be there soon. I love being around children (used to work with them) and I'm happy to be an aunt again! I love my brother's kids and spent a lot of time with them when they were younger, but his whole family life is such a mess right now; his ex apparently convinced all the kids to unfriend me on facebook and to not have any further contact with me, period. That in itself has been heartbreaking, and happened right after my cousin had passed away (I still feel very lucky to have made it home in time to see her). I haven't mentioned a whole lot about my brother's family, but that's only the tip of the iceberg.

I'm looking into counseling. It appears our insurance won't cover much so I'm uncertain of options at this point. As for coping mechanisms, I've had to give up on using food for obvious reasons, hence why I've become active again in this forum. The main reason I pushed myself back into a healthier lifestyle this past March was because it was something I felt I needed to do after the miscarriage.

I was at 285 when I moved here, and managed to get down to 243 last summer. But without food as my coping mechanism to fall back on, I'm left searching for new ones, and I think that's why I fell off the wagon last year. I went all the way back up to 267 from the stress of going back home and was in danger of going all the way back up to 285 again and beyond. Far from my highest ever of 360 but not exactly my healthiest, and it's the only major gain I've had in the past 8 years. I can't help but wonder if my poor choices had anything to do with losing the baby. I don't want to be motivated by guilt though, it just isn't healthy, so I'm telling myself that I just need to be the healthiest that I can be, whether or not I ever get pregnant again. The doctors stressed that sometimes these things just happen, and it's most likely I did nothing wrong, but I still want to take better care of myself. Eating right has been a lot less stressful now than it has in the past. I used to carry a lot of anxieties about weight loss and even food but those are mostly gone; I quickly make a decision about food or exercise that I can feel good about, and stick with it. I've learned that the longer I agonize myself over a making a decision (should I eat that cookie or not, should I stay on the couch or take the dog for a walk), the more likely I'll make a poor one that I'll later regret. And right now I'm trying to apply that mentality to other aspects of my life, with varying degrees of success. I'm a work in progress. We all are though. And despite being so down lately, I think I'm pretty decent at seeing the bright side of things.

I wrote myself a little reminder this morning that I posted on facebook. I linked to this video and said, "This song came out in the fall of 2007, around the time I moved to Las Vegas. Hearing it always makes me think of the day I finished packing up my car in Wisconsin, stopped in Illinois for some goodbyes, and took off for Nevada to start my life over with [DH]. It was a very emotional time of new beginnings and a lot of uncertainty. Sometimes I miss the Midwest but I've never regretted a moment of seeking out the new life I've built here.

And I think that's the key, that I don't regret a thing about where I am now. Perhaps that's the best direction to take from here, to hold on to that appreciation and keep moving forward.

Thanks to all of those that offered some wisdom or even if you simply took the time to read. I have a feeling the next few weeks will be much better than the last.

Your friendship sounds very reminiscent of mine. I met this girl in 1st grade and we became best friends VERY quickly, started spending the night, was nearly considered to be a part of each others family, grew up together, ect. She would always take these wishy-washy spells where she'd go to another friend for a while, and then come back to me, claiming that I was her only true friend, blah blah blah.

Anyway, I come from a very strong Christian upbringing, so when she told me that she was interested in girls, I wasn't exactly ecstatic. It didn't dampen our friendship at the time, though. I had some guy friends at school that was gay too (we didn't go to the same school. She was pulled out of school in 5th grade to be homeschooled, and I attended a public school). We remained friends through her semi-abusive relationship with a guy, and then her boyfriend on the side. Throughout this time, I met, fell in love, and eventually ran off and got married with a man I met online. I didn't tell anyone I was leaving to get married. It was a spur-of-the-moment thing, and once she found out from my parents (My husband and I wrote letters and left them on the kitchen table for my parents the night I left) that I'd left, she was angry with me and felt betrayed.

I didn't call her the entire time I was in CA. with my husband and his family. I emailed her, because I still wanted to keep in touch, but I'm naturally a very timid, awkward person, and was afraid of the confrontation that might have occurred if I called her. I was also afraid of her relaying information back to my parents that might have gotten me in trouble.

So, eventually we came back to TN. and moved into my grandparents' old house next door to my parents. My friend acts normal, she visits, takes us out for dinners and what not. We were very poor at the time, so we couldn't really help with gas money or food, so we never initiated going out. It was always her idea, and we'd let her know in advance that we were broke, and she always acted glad to take care of things.

That didn't last, though. She started to drift in and out of my life, not talking to me for months at a time, and what not.

Later, though, she ends up throwing my leaving without telling her in my face and the money she spent on us. In a very heated, online argument, we both said some pretty nasty things (mine probably worse, because I'd been harboring bitter feelings since she kept fading in and out of my life, and I felt I was making all the effort for our friendship), and THAT put a huge damper on our friendship.

Then when she leaves both boyfriends for a girl, I feel torn because of my religion and friendship. We have a heartfelt conversation which I think at the time will fix everything, but it doesn't. She begins to slip away more, until another fight ensues. And then she starts to drink a lot. And eventually moves. Twice. Once to NY where we barely talk on the phone (this is where she met her gf), and then to FL where we no longer talk on the phone. By this time, we aren't even really talking online anymore, though I'm still trying to hang on.

Then she confesses online one night while she's drunk that she "always loved me", which makes things even more awkward between us.

Eventually, when she hadn't talked to me in more than half a year, I decided to end the friendship. I realize that she had already ended it from her side (she didn't want her very religious mother to know that she was gay, so she made two different FB accounts, in which she took me off the real one and plopped me on the one her mother is befriended on). I didn't confront her or anything (I've already done it and it didn't seem to make a difference). I just took her and her family off my FB friends list and stopped "stalking" her page.

I would encourage you to do the same if you feel the friendship is truly over. Sometimes life just pushes you too far a part, and you become strangers to each other, or maybe you just change and you no longer have things in common like you used to. When we would have conversations, they were strained and dull, because we no longer had things in common, and are WAY too different.

I hope things go well for you. God bless.

(BTW, congrats on your weight loss accomplishment. That's impressive!)