I'm stuck in a stupid depressed rut. The guy from my last thread hasn't got into contact with me at all in a week, nor have I made the move to contact him no matter how tempting it is. I'm really sad about it -- I really felt a pretty strong connection to him, even if we didn't know each other for very long. We all know the feeling; certain people just strike that chord with us. He was one of those: the one that "feels different" from all the rest, and that's what makes a situation like this even more devastating because then you realize he WAS no different from the rest. I really feel like I screwed things up with him, and I'm extremely pissed at myself for not exercising self-control like I had promised myself I would. I wasn't going to mess this one up -- and then I went and did it again.
I don't know how to move on or to stop this seemingly never-ending cycle. I got together with my old FWB last night to get my mind off of it, and it worked, for the moment. But I was back to feeling the same way, if not a little bit worse because I tried to solve my problem with the very thing that got me in this situation to begin with. Right now the only way I know of to solve the problem is to give up on men completely; I deactivated my online dating profile and just said screw it. I'm obviously supposed to be focusing on myself right now anyway... I just wish I didn't have to do it ALL by myself. Blargh.
It never ceases to amaze me how men and women can be so illogical when it comes to the opposite sex.
I am, of course, including myself in this group.
That feeling you're talking about? That "connection"? That was called attraction. You felt it more because clearly he was feeling it towards you too.
The best advice I can give you is to keep working out and losing weight. Not because it will make you more attractive to the opposite sex (although it probably will) but because it will make you more confident.
Confidence is the primary thing we as humans are attracted to both in men and women. It makes us more charasmatic.
You might think I am kidding but I would suggest you read "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists ". It will give you some good insight on basic human psychology. If you like reading I would also suggest you read "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion". When my daughters get a little older I am going to have them read both.
I'm stuck in a stupid depressed rut. The guy from my last thread hasn't got into contact with me at all in a week, nor have I made the move to contact him no matter how tempting it is. I'm really sad about it -- I really felt a pretty strong connection to him, even if we didn't know each other for very long. We all know the feeling; certain people just strike that chord with us. He was one of those: the one that "feels different" from all the rest, and that's what makes a situation like this even more devastating because then you realize he WAS no different from the rest. I really feel like I screwed things up with him, and I'm extremely pissed at myself for not exercising self-control like I had promised myself I would. I wasn't going to mess this one up -- and then I went and did it again.
I don't know how to move on or to stop this seemingly never-ending cycle. I got together with my old FWB last night to get my mind off of it, and it worked, for the moment. But I was back to feeling the same way, if not a little bit worse because I tried to solve my problem with the very thing that got me in this situation to begin with. Right now the only way I know of to solve the problem is to give up on men completely; I deactivated my online dating profile and just said screw it. I'm obviously supposed to be focusing on myself right now anyway... I just wish I didn't have to do it ALL by myself. Blargh.
sweetie, if a guy is into a gal...what she does and says (short of abusive like cheating or violent type stuff) matters not. I have gf in these forms of healthy ACTUAL love relationships even though they put there men that were courting them ~ threw the ringer lmao (including myself and my now husband)
we have all heard it before and now I showing you living proof...if he is into you, he will not leave no matter how nuttey we get lol
BUT this all matters not if you are uncomfortable in your own skin with the person you are with out a man to validate you. when your happy with yourself it wont be so crushing when Mr rite 4 the moment, decides to move on
It never ceases to amaze me how men and women can be so illogical when it comes to the opposite sex.
I am, of course, including myself in this group.
That feeling you're talking about? That "connection"? That was called attraction. You felt it more because clearly he was feeling it towards you too.
The best advice I can give you is to keep working out and losing weight. Not because it will make you more attractive to the opposite sex (although it probably will) but because it will make you more confident.
Confidence is the primary thing we as humans are attracted to both in men and women. It makes us more charasmatic.
You might think I am kidding but I would suggest you read "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists ". It will give you some good insight on basic human psychology. If you like reading I would also suggest you read "Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion". When my daughters get a little older I am going to have them read both.
P.S. - Good job not contacting him.
I completely agree with his post!!!
I haven't read the books but am definitely looking into it.
I'm obviously supposed to be focusing on myself right now anyway... I just wish I didn't have to do it ALL by myself. Blargh.
Do you have friends you can turn to for support? It may be a good idea to build up some platonic supports, because that just doesn't come from dating. Dating should be about having fun and getting to know each other. You are loading a bunch of expectations which while understandable, is not completely fair.
Taking some time for yourself sounds like a good idea because you don't sound ready for a healthy dating life.
I don't have any friends around me, really. The ones I do have live too far away or are on completely different levels of life than me (for instance, my best friend is now married and expecting a baby). I have one platonic friend that I talk to/hang out with from time to time, but I hate to put all of my problems on him all the time. I really feel like I'm alone because well, I am. And at the rate I'm going, I don't feel like I'll ever be "ready" for a healthy dating life because I suck at it so much. At this point all I feel like is a worthless vagina.
Last edited by mimsyborogoves; 05-30-2012 at 11:18 PM.
Oh sweetie, I just feel terrible that you feel that way. I don't know if I even have any valid advice for you, but just know that you are wonderful. You will never be able to find validation in a man, I hope so much for you that you can start to find a deep love for yourself so you never have to feel worthless again!
I have gone through this plenty of times being back in the dating game for the past three years. Leaving sex completely out is much harder said than done cause let's face it, we are all human and all have needs! Even those who swear up and down that they are not only after that end up being all about it sometimes. I would suggest letting men go for a while. I did it for a while and learned a lot from it! We don't need men! We want them. And being honest from the get go will help you eliminate those who are not truly interested in you as a person as much as sex. Of course I am not sayin that you have to blurt it out that you are looking for something serious, but that your not about one thing and one thing only. Also making yourself a little unavailable will make them chase you! Rebounds are good for just the moment. It does take time to heal all wounds but it does work! Focus on creating a better you and loving yourself before you try to love anyone else! 9 out of 10 times they do come back and you need to be strong enough to laugh them off and flick them away.
Aw, first of all, big Boy troubles are always stressful.
But I agree with the tack others are taking in this thread - look out for number one first and foremost. Spend some time caring for yourself instead of looking for someone else to care for. You can't make everybody happy, especially if you aren't making yourself happy first. So be selfish and put loving yourself at the top of your priority list.
And look around for platonic friends; girlfriends you can rant and empathize with. You say you have a friend who is expecting - just because she is there now doesn't mean she hasn't been in your shoes in the past. Or perhaps she has friends who are in your boat and you could get to know them through her. Or, maybe you can talk with your mom, aunt, sister, or other family member you get along with. Not necessarily about this situation in particular, but just about being… *checks mimsy's public profile* … 22 and how it is kind of a confusing time! (I'm 24… I know, I've just been there!)
Don't worry about this guy, and don't get down on yourself because of his behavior. You're better off, by the sound of it. Take some time for YOU and don't worry about "the rate you're going" - you're only 22! You've got so many years ahead of you. Spend them doing things YOU like, YOU care about, that will make YOU happier and healthier. It's YOUR life and YOU are in the driver's seat.
sweetie, if a guy is into a gal...what she does and says (short of abusive like cheating or violent type stuff) matters not. I have gf in these forms of healthy ACTUAL love relationships even though they put there men that were courting them ~ threw the ringer lmao (including myself and my now husband)
we have all heard it before and now I showing you living proof...if he is into you, he will not leave no matter how nuttey we get lol
BUT this all matters not if you are uncomfortable in your own skin with the person you are with out a man to validate you. when your happy with yourself it wont be so crushing when Mr rite 4 the moment, decides to move on
you will be ok never dought this
This.. This I can attest too. I have no idea why one of my BFFS put up with me. But he loves me and it's proven over and over again when I go a little crazy and go a little nutty on him. He just smiles, give me a hug and sits me down to talk to me. I HATE that he knows all the right things to say when I am so mad. I say hate, but I do really enjoy that he knows all the right words, all the right moves and all the right things to cool me off. He's like a nice cold shower when I am hot and bothered. I cannot fathom why he sticks around, but he does.
If a guy is willing to be with you unconditionally, he'll be around. No questions asked. And if he really wants to talk to you and put out some effort for the relationship, he will. But don't force anything.
I think it is a good choice for you to focus on yourself for a while. Maybe do some "me" days to get yourself back in the groove of life. Don't let this guy bring you down, sweetie. Don't let him make you cry.
it is gonna suck at first, just like the first time you went on a diet. You are going to have cravings to talk to him, to text him, but you know better than that and you are stronger then some douche only wanting sex from you. You deserve better and you know you do, thus why you are dieting, making life changes. Just treat it like you would a binge day, be done with it and move on.
Big hugs.
Please stop beating yourself up over this. I know you feel like it's your fault, but it really isn't. If he was a good guy for you, he wouldn't have pulled the vanishing act, period.
Just think of this as a lesson learned - to weed out the guys like that, just keep the dates to things like dinner, movies, etc. Nothing at your house or his house and hold off on the physical side of things for awhile. I know that's easier said than done, though!
This type of thing has happened to a lot of us (myself included) and while it's hard to see in the moment, it really is better to know early on that he's not the guy for you.
But most importantly, please please stop blaming yourself for this!
It definitely sucks how you're feeling right now and its ok to be hurt/upset.....but dont be discouraged. You know what went wrong so be strong and dont let it happen again (I know I've been in your shoes - with the friends situation too).
Most importantly, take care of and respect yourself. Nobody else will unless you do. Eventually, a guy who appreciates you and respects you will come along!
Sigh.
Spend some time caring for yourself instead of looking for someone else to care for. You can't make everybody happy, especially if you aren't making yourself happy first. So be selfish and put loving yourself at the top of your priority list. 
