General chatter - Well that was humiliating




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chubbybunny29
04-22-2012, 11:23 AM
We went over to the home of an old friend of my husband's last night. They were friends in high school and reconnected through facebook, so we decided to have dinner at their place. They have two little kids, 4 and 6. It was lovely to meet them, and things were going great, and then the younger one asked if we have any kids. I said no. He asked if we were going to have any kids, again I said no. Then he turns to his mom and says "well why is her tummy so fat then if there's no baby in there"...

The mom handled it really well and said "well God makes everyone different, in all shapes, sizes and colors, and she is perfect because God made her". I guess that the mom had just lost 60lbs so the kids are super aware of weight and weight loss right now, so it made it something they noticed.

Nonetheless, I was pretty embarrassed, and wanted to cry, but really didn't want to make a big deal out of it. It just really was not what I needed to hear last night. Meeting new people and having it literally said out loud that I'm fat just was not what I needed.


Brandis
04-22-2012, 11:58 AM
I am amazed you didn't cry. I would have cried, and still be crying. Kids say the rudest things sometimes. If that was my child, I would have corrected them and told them it is rude to comment on someone's body size, and made them apologize for hurting someone's feelings. That is especially hurtful since the woman had lost weight herself, and she should have educated her kids a little better. Anyways, don't worry about it, and especially don't let it set you back. Just keep working towards better health for yourself, and ignore the thoughts and comments of others. We are worth more than just what other people think of us, especially those of us who have only been around for 4 years. Hugs to you.

juliana77
04-22-2012, 12:00 PM
Oh man, that stinks. Even when you know "intellectually" that a 4 year old is all about facts (big belly = baby) and didn't mean to hurt your feelings, it still is tough to hear. But the good news is that you are working on it, and making great progress!


KimL1214
04-22-2012, 12:24 PM
:hug::hug::hug:

The local store is owned by a family who just moved here from India. They are all tiny and their English is a bit rough. For the past few months the older woman at the store has asked me, "when will baby come?" First time, I got really upset and left... second time, I was still a little upset and left again...third time, I made a joke of it... "They're twins, and in about 3 months..." She noticed I'm a little smaller the other day and asked me if I was really having a baby or not and I said... "no..." and giggled, she laughed too and apologized... It might have been a little mean for me to lead her on, but I really don't think people should ask women if they are pregnant or not... Wait for the woman to tell you!!!

toastedsmoke
04-22-2012, 12:34 PM
I'm so sorry. I know how much that blows!!!! My little cousins used to ask me till they were really old enough to know better if I was pregnant, if I'd ever been pregnant (mind you I was in high school and undergrad at the time) and why I was "SO fat." It hurts. Especially when it's said in front of adults who know it's not appropriate. With my cousins alone I was able to tell them everyone was different and it was rude to make personal comments about people, but when adults were there I had to pretend not to care even though I was mortified.

The fact is yes, I was fat and I wasn't really doing anything about it. That was what made my situation extra sad. Yes it was embarrassing but feel the victory in the the fact that you're doing something about it. If you're not happy or comfortable with your body, you're working on it. And you're succeeding. That's the victory. Next time you meet that little boy he'll be older and hopefully wiser, but you definitely will be tinier. So keep on trucking, dear, ok?

mirax3
04-22-2012, 12:49 PM
Oh, gosh I'm so sorry to hear that!! :hug:

That has happened to me way to frequently in the past when I was a preschool teacher. "Ms. Miranda why is your tummy so big? Ms. Miranda you're fat.". Granted, their moms were super skinny and I guess I was a lot bigger than them at the time, but it still hurt SO much. Don't let this get to you, though. Kids will be kids and as you said they are just really tuned in with weight loss right now because of their mother.

Sorry that happened to you. You got this though, turn it into fuel for your fire!!! :)

JudgeDread
04-22-2012, 12:52 PM
I did that to my mom when I was little. I didn't mean anything bad by it and I think any little kids like that really don't know better. Not all kids can understand things at that level until they are quite a bit older. It sucks, but don't let it get you down.

I've embarresed my poor mom a lot, I even told my kindergarden teacher one day she had the runs! LOL

MARLA26
04-22-2012, 01:06 PM
Young children are very curious and ask a lot of questions. That is how they learn.
We must remember that we ate ourselves into our embarrassing moments.
The only way to avoid these embarrassments completely is to lose the weight and get thin.

Sigh...and it's such a looong journey. :(
Until then, any of us can expect comments like this from little kids.
:dizzy:

Best of luck to everyone here. I hope we all get a lot thinner by the Holiday Season this winter!
:snowglo:

:hug:

That fat girl is still inside of you... still part of you... but she knows she's never allowed to come back because she's not healthy.
But she played a very important role - she showed you what you never want to be again and what you will never do to yourself again.
She showed you a very dark side of life and now allows you to empathize with people who are struggling the way you did.

cherrypie
04-22-2012, 01:10 PM
my kids used to say stuff like that all the time and my husband would get so mad at them. but hey, I am fat. I knew that before they told me and they just were telling the truth.

chubbybunny29
04-22-2012, 01:34 PM
I didn't blame the mom. She said she's trying hard to help her kids understand the balance between her being proud of being slimmer and healthier, and them not having negative body views. I think it was just one of those innocent moments when kids don't understand what the social filter is.

I do I agree that its my own less-than-healthy behavior that has made it an issue, and I'm sure I'll see it as motivating soon, but for now, I'm still feeling sorry for myself a bit. I'm giving myself until the end of the day to wallow in my self pity.

Thanks everyone for the support! It makes such a difference to be able to tell people who may have had an embarrassing moment, and have people understand.

gonnadoitthistime
04-22-2012, 01:43 PM
I think the important thing to remember is that there was no judgement attached, that when little children say things they are using the words to describe, not judge. For them the term "fat" is like saying yellow, or tall. It's our negative feelings about these issues that color things. I wouldn't be surprised if "fat tummy" is a term the child has heard in the household in reference to pregnancy, so was naturally confused. I think the mother did well to explain things to the child and perhaps had a talk later about commenting about other people.

dellastreet
04-22-2012, 01:58 PM
I broke a chair at a Christmas party once - now *that* was pretty embarrassing to say the least :O(

Yes, give yourself a day, then try to forget it - it was a very young child who really didn't understand, but I *do* know how you feel - hang in there!

thistoo
04-22-2012, 02:15 PM
I carry a crazy amount of weight in my arms. Seriously, they are HUGE and I am really self-conscious about them. I work out with my sister at her house a few times a week, and one day I went over there in a t-shirt for our usual workout. My six-year-old nephew looked at me and said, "Auntie, your arms are huge!"

This was in front of my sister, her husband, and her teenage stepson, naturally. Thanks, kid! But then he added, "You have big muscles like a superhero!" which in his book is a plus, since at the time he was superhero obsessed. (He's moved on to ninjas.)

So it's all about perception. It was still really hard to hear, but kids are never going to stop calling like they see it. The good news is that we can change ourselves for the better so we don't have to hear that stuff anymore. :)

Mollewogg
04-22-2012, 02:17 PM
Unfortunately kids don't come with filters :( Sorry this happened to you, but don't let it deter you. Be strong!

TiffNeedsChange
04-22-2012, 02:24 PM
:hugs: I had that happen to me once before and I DID cry! Kudos for you for being able to control your emotions. Kids usually don't understand a whole lot about other people's feeling but that doesn't make it hurt any less. You are beautiful!

Rainbowgirl
04-22-2012, 05:20 PM
When my mom had a day care, I was just out of high school and not as heavy as I am now (but still overweight). I learned pretty quickly that little kids rarely ever said anything about weight to be intentionally mean. One little girl came up to me one day and said "Rainbow, you have BIG! armth!" (she had a bit of a lisp, which made her cuter) and I said "yes I do!" and she said "are they big tho you can fight monthters?(monsters)?" :-D

It's hard sometimes to hear children say "you're fat" or "your tummy is big" but it helps to remember, like gonnadoitthistime said, they say those words much like they'd say "that's yellow" or "that's purple."

Allow yourself some self-pity, then move on :)

samcakes
04-22-2012, 05:36 PM
i hope you werent offended by the kid. in his/her mind it was aa legitimate question.

my niece came into the bathroom when i was bathing a few years ago, she was 4 then, and saw me there and asked 'sammy, why are you so fat?' i was obviously horrified, and really bummed out. but when i went to talk to her later i just asked her 3 questions

1. kirsten, do you love aunt sammy? (yes)
2. do you think aunt sammy is beautiful? (yes again)
3. why do you think it matters that i am big? (......)

she had no answer for that, but she never called me fat again

LandonsBaby
04-22-2012, 06:08 PM
Last week a little girl at the grocery store told me I have a "big 'ol giant butt". I figure she either hears her mother talk about her own butt or her father make comments about her mother's butt. I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it. She was only 4 or 5 years old. I did cry but I was having an awful day already and it was the second comment I had gotten from a stranger that day. For all I know her father loves big butts and she's just repeating something he's said. :D

threenorns
04-22-2012, 07:12 PM
OY, PEOPLE!


would you please look at the age range you are discussing!??? these are kids

FOUR TO SIX years old!

they've only been walking for, at the most, 3 to 5 years;
they have been able to carry a conversation for, at the most, 2 to 4 years;

and you get bent out of shape because they "lack social filters"!???

from a 14 to 16 year old, yeah - i get it.

but children that age are not "rude" - "rude" is saying something with the intention to hurt. children this age - whether it's mental or chronological - are not trying to be rude; they are trying to process a mudslide of information that slams into their faces each and every day.

WE are the adults, it's up to US to manage our emotions, not the child.

fitness4life
04-22-2012, 08:47 PM
:hug::hug::hug:

The local store is owned by a family who just moved here from India. They are all tiny and their English is a bit rough. For the past few months the older woman at the store has asked me, "when will baby come?" First time, I got really upset and left... second time, I was still a little upset and left again...third time, I made a joke of it... "They're twins, and in about 3 months..." She noticed I'm a little smaller the other day and asked me if I was really having a baby or not and I said... "no..." and giggled, she laughed too and apologized... It might have been a little mean for me to lead her on, but I really don't think people should ask women if they are pregnant or not... Wait for the woman to tell you!!!

I love your story. It reminds me of something similar...The dry cleaner lady used to insist that my short-haired daughter must be a boy. I had recently had her whispy hair cut (she was like 18 months old) to try to make it look thicker or at the very least, kept up.

It got to a point where I'm like UMmmmm...does she really think I do not know my kid is a girl or a boy? I should have just gone with it like you did, But instead, I changed dry cleaners.

OP - you handled everything well. There's reaction, over reaction and non reaction. Yours was perfect. You did nothing wrong. You need not explain a damn thing.

GlamourGirl827
04-23-2012, 09:11 AM
I am amazed you didn't cry. I would have cried, and still be crying. Kids say the rudest things sometimes. If that was my child, I would have corrected them and told them it is rude to comment on someone's body size, and made them apologize for hurting someone's feelings. That is especially hurtful since the woman had lost weight herself, and she should have educated her kids a little better. Anyways, don't worry about it, and especially don't let it set you back. Just keep working towards better health for yourself, and ignore the thoughts and comments of others. We are worth more than just what other people think of us, especially those of us who have only been around for 4 years. Hugs to you.

Is this said like you have kids and have been the mom in this situation, or is this said like you don't actually have kids so you know if you did you've handle it just perfectly....?

Cause you sound way too confident on how you'd have addressed it to actually have kids, but hey, maybe I'm wrong.

I have 2 kids. The older one is almost 5. I remember when he was about 3 1/2 I was at doctor's appointment in the waiting room and he commented "that man is really big"...and the guy was. I was over weight at the time, and my husband is about a 48 in men's pants, so my son is no strangeer to overweight people.
It wasn't lack of teaching him on our part. What do you expect parents to do? Every morning show my son our fat bodies in our underpants and say "see how we are big, well don't ever say it, especially to other people, because its rude." Jesus H. Christ, he doesn't even know what rude means. Its a very abtract word for a child.
Of course before I had kids I thought I'd handle it so perfectly and efficiently, like you said, and my darling little boy would never utter hurtful words again...then reality sets in...

Well, after my son said that, and I realized I had not actually dropped dead from embarassment, I quickly said I'm sorry to the man, I called my son over to me, and pulled him to far part of the room where we were out of ear shot of everyone else. I told him that yes that man was big, but that it might make him cry if you tell him that. I told him if he sees someone that looks big or small or short or tall that you don't need to tell me about it. In the moment, I did not tell him to apologize only because had I been the that man, I would not want to further continue the mortifing moment by having the kid apologize to my infront of a room full of people.

That was to best I managed. I doubt my son fully understood the concept of why saying what someone one looks like is hurtful. And when the moment comes, as a parent, you are usually caught off guard. Looking back, with a clear mind, I wish I addressed apologizing. NOT demended he do it, but attempt to lead him to the choice on his own...which would probably not work well with a 3 year old.

I'm just saying, people who don't have kids, always think they'll be the best parents. And they are a lot quicker to jugde parents on how they handle their kids. And you were very quick to blame the parent for not teaching this child more. Maybe you have kids, but its not obvious by your response.

Natasha22
04-23-2012, 06:14 PM
Oh, I realize how hurt you must have felt. But kids are just kids and since their mom had just lost weight (after being pregnant with her youngest), she probably explained to them that she was getting thinner because there was not a baby in her tummy anymore. You shouldn't feel offended, stuff like this happens to everyone all the time, not necessarily weight related.

DezziePS
04-23-2012, 06:27 PM
I am the oldest and my siblings were very small when I was a teenager. One day, when I was babysitting, I had taken my then-three-year-old sister to a local veggie restaurant/health food store. It was known to be a little woo-woo/ju-ju/ new-agey, so it was not strange that there was a large, grey-haired lady on the front patio of the cafe, wearing a billowing crepe skirt and floral hat, giving a tarot card reading to a patron. As I walked by, my sister shouted out, "Look! Look! It's Mother Goose!!" I shushed her quickly and we had a talk about making comments about other people's appearances inside, though I didn't want to draw more attention to it by having her apologize to the lady, (who I think was probably more amused than offended anyway).

All that to say that kids can say things that are awkward sometimes, and just because that little kid thought you looked preggo doesn't mean you actually do. Everyone is giant to a three year old. That lady really didn't look like mother goose to me. :) And ya know what? I'm kind of done with pretending I'm not fat anyway. I am fat. And doing something about it so I won't be fat anymore. It's more awkward not to acknowledge it.

FrouFrou
04-26-2012, 03:26 PM
I agree THREENORNS!

missphalange
04-26-2012, 03:42 PM
We went over to the home of an old friend of my husband's last night. They were friends in high school and reconnected through facebook, so we decided to have dinner at their place. They have two little kids, 4 and 6. It was lovely to meet them, and things were going great, and then the younger one asked if we have any kids. I said no. He asked if we were going to have any kids, again I said no. Then he turns to his mom and says "well why is her tummy so fat then if there's no baby in there"...

The mom handled it really well and said "well God makes everyone different, in all shapes, sizes and colors, and she is perfect because God made her". I guess that the mom had just lost 60lbs so the kids are super aware of weight and weight loss right now, so it made it something they noticed.

Nonetheless, I was pretty embarrassed, and wanted to cry, but really didn't want to make a big deal out of it. It just really was not what I needed to hear last night. Meeting new people and having it literally said out loud that I'm fat just was not what I needed.


(((hugs)))

I experienced something similar many years ago, when I was even more overweight than I am now. I babysat for a family that was very healthy and thin. One day, when the mother and I were both standing in the kitchen, the oldest son (approximately 5-years-old at the time) asked why I was "big like an elephant". I told him that everyone is different, and used his mom as an example in saying, "she is tall like a giraffe".

Fortunately/unfortunately, kids speak the truth and do not understand why saying something like that would hurt someone elses' feelings. As much as it may have hurt, just know that it was not said out of ill-will, but the pure curiosity of a child.

Jonsgurl0531
04-26-2012, 03:43 PM
When my son maybe 5 we saw a man with long tied back hair and a black eye patch in the store.. SO of course my son had to yell to him" Hey are you a pirate?!" Well before I could correct him the guy looks at him and said ARRGGGGG! Right back.. made my son laugh. The guy must hear it all the time from kids. I'm glad he had the sense of humor to play along with it.

chickybird
04-26-2012, 06:08 PM
I teach very young kids and I have gotten asked why I am so tall, pale, etc. I've been asked several times if I have a baby in my tummy. I just grin and say, "Nope! Just nachos!" They think it's funny, and so do I. 3 and 4 year olds are just curious. Now, if I taught 5th graders and I got asked that...grrrr!
OP, I'm so sorry you were sad. You are beautiful!!!

tessendicott
04-26-2012, 07:42 PM
At least it was a child and not an adult. I was working at a hotel one time and I had a woman who I worked with daily look at me after a few months and ask if I was pregnant and when I told her no she laughed in my face.

I'm sure they didn't mean anything by it. The mom seems to have handled it extremely well. Don't let it get you down!

DeFluffinMyStuffin
04-26-2012, 10:08 PM
Anything a little one says is innocent curiousity and I could tell by your post you get that but I do understand and can certainly sympathize with the terrible humiliation that can accompany words that directly correlate to our biggest vulnerabilities. I'm sorry your spirit got bruised but it's so much easier to recover from when you know it's not from a nasty adult being catty or just downright ugly.
A few months ago, a really good friend of mine's young son kept telling me how "tough" I was and he wanted to be "tough", too when he grew up. I hadn't the foggiest what he was talking about. I'm short and fat but about as "tough" looking as a cupcake. I shrugged it off and didn't think much about it until we were saying goodbyes and he kept saying how tough I was like his dad and I saw my friend's face go crimson and she started getting on to him and telling him to apologize. He then elaborated that I was tough and big fat like his daddy. She later explained he calls fat people tough. I won't lie, that hot, sick feeling of shame crept from my toes to my eyes in slow motion and lightning speed all at the same time. I immediately jumped to his defense, hugged him and told him he said or did nothing wrong that I *was* pretty darn tough and he was exactly right. The drive home was relatively snotty and riddled with kleenex.
Of course, this seems to be a trend with this family as a few summers ago when this same friend was preggo and literally days away from delivery. It was HOT, hot hotness down here and everyone was miserable from the heat. We had a playgroup scheduled and when she arrived she started going on about how big and fat she was (she's normally tiny) and how the heat was so hard with her girth and on and on about the bigness and the heat. Then she looked at me in front of the group and said "I just don't know how you can stand being so big like this all the time and especially during the summer". Mortification was my new zip code and I honestly could not speak for several minutes. She never even knew she waylaid me to the bone. It was true what she said though. I'm sure she couldn't understand how I do it....because I don't either. I have some parts broken. So does she. They just aren't visible parts.
On a lighter note, gotta share my it'l one's moment of filterless finesse. We were at Target and she was about 3 or so and she kept staring wide eyed and white faced at the check out lady and mumbling something and pointing towards her. I just couldn't understand her and was preoccupied with paying and bags when her mumbling got steadily clearer, and louder and the moment I realized she was saying "Wicky witch, wicky witch!" The checker is cooing at her and talking so sweetly and my child screams "NO! Wicky witch don't talk to mommy!"
She thought she was a wicked witch. I made it to the car in record time.

chubbybunny29
04-26-2012, 10:40 PM
Threenorms - I was upset because it was said, but not offended. I didn't think badly of the kid or the mom, just sad that it was embarrassing to have my biggest insecurity said aloud.

My husband and I discussed that this was one of those things that is no one's fault, but it sucks nonetheless.

I gave myself Sunday to wallow and did yard work to clear my head and now I'm back in the game, and living life like normal.

MusicalAstronaut
04-27-2012, 10:25 AM
I had this happen to me once too. :/ I was in high school, about 190lbs at the time (which is 40 less than what I ended up at...ugh) and a kid I was babysitting for said it to me in front of her mom. I was so embarrassed. But everyone's right, kids don't have filters, and I don't think they say it to be mean. Around 4-7 is the age where kids are kind of fascinated by babies (maybe they have a new sibling on the way) and I think they look for that everywhere because it's something new they just learned about.

dragonwoman64
04-29-2012, 05:29 PM
I don't think what a kid says is necessarily "truth," it's more like an observation that goes through a kid filter that's influence by adults and other kids.

you're a valuable person whether you lose weight, gain weight or stay exactly the same weight as you are now. you don't have to let it be in your head that your weight makes you a "lesser" person in any way, and that the way for you to gain value and worth is to lose fat.

misski
04-29-2012, 06:48 PM
Gosh, I feel for you. This is why I'm so uncomfortable around kids. I actually don't like kids because I've always been stared at and teased by these little brats! Lol.

Times are changing though, since I'm not being stared at by little children anymore. Obesity is becoming such a huge problem in America that kids are used to seeing overweight people.

reallystruggling
05-01-2012, 08:01 AM
forget the kid!
being embarrassed meant you didn't like being called fat, so the fact that you're working on it already makes a much stronger/better person.

just think about when you reach your goal and then go back to their house.

HA! see what that kids has to say then!

dragonwoman64
05-01-2012, 01:48 PM
OP, you may want to read this thread:

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/100-lb-club/258008-self-image-issues-shaky-confidence.html

"It's tough, I know but the self-image and self-confidence issues don't automatically go away with weight. Unless you love yourself and fix those issues first, they'll always find a way to hurt you no matter how successful you are on this journey. I was reading earlier today, someone said "you can't hate yourself thin." I think shame/despise and whole lot of other negatives can be substituted for hate there.

If you don't love yourself, no matter your size, and realize you're just as worthy of a space on this planet as anyone else no matter how you look, these issues will continue. I, who would have killed to be 199 lbs, now nitpick about my body, my looks, my hair, my clothes what must people think of me etc. You'll always be too something for somebody. As guamvixen said, you just have to get to a point where you don't care what other people think. And where you give yourself the props and respect you deserve for taking yourself in hand and making the changes to achieve your goals."
--toasted smoke