General chatter - I did something crazy that turned out good

04-16-2012, 10:37 PM
Awhile back, I posted a very honest, emotional personal experience that I had with my now ex-boyfriend. I left him one year ago this month. I found out some very disturbing things that he did while we were living together and the anger that I carried around for so long kept me from completely healing and moving on. When I caught him cheating, he somehow turned it into my fault because I had gained some weight while we were together (so did he) and that he felt he deserved a supermodel and that was why he cheated. He had no car at this time so I was picking him up from work, driving him around, and he was cheating on me instead of appreciating that he had someone who would do anything for him.

So for the longest time, I was pissed at him and wanted to really hurt him somehow. Along with that, my self-esteem was the lowest it has ever been. I would beat myself up with thoughts that I was only good enough for someone to use when they needed but not good enough for love. The next day i would be angry and wish that I was there to see if when he got what was coming to him (karma :) ) I have been on a comfort food binge for months and have hit my highest weight ever.

So I was having a really bad weekend (this is the month of our breakup a year ago) and decided to do something a little dumb. I had broken all connection with him and haven't spoken to him/seen him, etc in a year so I guess I was curious to see if someone had taken his sorry a** off the market. So in a moment of weakness/stupidity/poor me self pity, I found a website that I knew he visited in the past and found his ad (no picture) but a sixth sense told me it was him. I sent a reply from an email that he would not recognize and he was responded from a familiar email containing his full name.

Apparently, he has a girlfriend now but he wants to make other friends to communicate with while he is at work and get to know. Girl friends only, not guy friends.

For months, I had it in my head that something was wrong with me that would drive a guy to cheat and look for someone else. Now, I truly realize that he is the one with the real issues. I had to see that he would do it to someone else before it really clicked in my head.

The lesson that I have really learned is that you can't make yourself crazy and blame yourself for someone else's actions. People will do things to hurt you but you shouldn't doubt your self worth because of the actions of others. Maybe the problem isn't you.....maybe the other person has issues that they need to work out.

It really wasn't me...It was HIM!! Now, I might finally be able to forgive him and myself and move on to the next chapter.

04-16-2012, 10:40 PM
Great insight, now you can move forward.

04-17-2012, 01:21 AM
I'm really glad for you. It's so hard to not blame yourself for that sort of thing. I had to come to the same conclusion about my ex. He didn't cheat on me (he did start dating someone immediately after dumping me, I found out later though) but I blamed myself for the relationship failing. After meeting his ex before me, I realized he treated me exactly the same way he treated her. Using her until he didn't need her anymore, letting her put all the effort into the relationship, blaming her for his problems, emotionally distancing himself when she loved him and taking advantage of that. It's so freeing when you REALLY know and believe that it is HIM, not you that was the problem. You didn't drive him to cheat - that is who he is, and you can't change him. You deserve someone better. *hugs*

04-17-2012, 10:02 AM
Good for you! It's really hard not to blame ourselves with situations like these ones because a lot of the times the guys will turn around and say, "well if you didn't ask questions this wouldn't have happened." "If you didn't gain weight I wouldn't have cheated", "If you had just waited a little long" blah blah blah it's this vicious cycle of let's blame the other person when in the end it's. No! He's the commitment phobe, whether I was thin or not he would have cheated, and wasting another day waiting a little longer hoping that someone who will not change...doesn't change.

So good on your for finally being able to get your closure. a D-bag is a D-bag it doesn't matter what the situation is... :)

04-18-2012, 06:02 AM
I'm so happy that you have overcome this ;) THUMBS UP!

04-18-2012, 06:22 AM
Speaking from personal experience, anyone that makes you feel as though a few lbs (or even a few hundred as sad as that sounds) makes you any less worthy of their love and affection isn't worth your time. This isn't just referring to significant others either. Anyone that makes you feel like less of a person for ANY reason is a person that you can certainly (and really should) live without. They're a toxin on your system.

Also, there is never a good reason to cheat. In my mind, you either love me, or you don't. And if you don't, then GTFO. If you care about me, but don't love me, then at least have the decency to tell me and let me move on.

But I've been in a few really crappy breakups and I know that sometimes you just really need to reinforce things like that before you can clean yourself up 100% and move on.

Go with your bad self mama! You're beautiful! :hug:

04-18-2012, 01:31 PM
Thanks. My weight has been out of control jumping up and down after finding out my boyfriend cheated on me again right before we moved in together. He still lives with me but it has taken me a bit to realize how selfish he is. I really thought in the back of mind that he would change but he is still as selfish as he was before. Living with him everyday makes me realize how much I gave of myself.