Weight Loss Support - I need my boyfriend to support me more!!!
01-13-2012, 12:45 PM
I really have a great SO. We have been together for almost 10 years and he has always been supportive of everything I do. He knows I am very serious about this new healthy lifestyle but whenever I talk about it with him he says, "You're fine the way you are, dont kill yourself trying to be skinny."
First off, Im doing only healthy things. I eat foods that are very healthy and I exercise every day. All positive things.
Secondly, Im not trying to be skinny. I want to be a healthy weight. I want to be able to run and play with our children without getting winded after 5 minutes.
It kind of gets me down when he says things like that. I know he accepts me for me but I would like him to say something like, "Its great that you are getting healthy."
He also tells me Im not fat and I dont have stretch marks lol. Um... I have a mirror and 2 eyes. I know Im fat and I can see the stretch marks. He is always trying to say kind words but thats not what I need right now. Am I just asking for too much?
01-13-2012, 12:59 PM
I don't like to talk about my "diet" (I'm using that term loosely) with my BF. I could care less if he says anything about my weight loss or food choices.
Realistically, if you ask - he's going to answer so you shouldn't be too critical of his responses. He sounds like he's trying to be supportive but apparently not in the way you are looking for.
I say that you don't talk to him about it or ask him for feedback (that's what 3FC is for :D). I completely understand that you want/need his support, but men are completely oblivious some, I mean MOST of the time lol, so I wouldn't be too hard on him.
01-13-2012, 01:07 PM
Well, in all fairness, we get in trouble very often no matter what our response is. Mostly because we try to say what we think you want to hear. We like our beds and desire to spend most nights in them. If you really want to hear what he thinks, you'll have to tell him what that is. :D
01-13-2012, 01:16 PM
A friend of mine just started a new weight loss effort.
Before she even attempted, she told her boyfriend:
Look, I know that you love me the way that I am, but this is about me, what I want for myself, and what it takes for me to be comfortable. So, it would be really helpful TO ME if you could stop telling me that you love me the way that I am, that I'm perfect, etc. I know that you love me, but I have to do this for ME, not for you.
It seems to have worked :)
01-13-2012, 03:17 PM
I suppose it hadn't occured to you that he thinks you look great and he doesn't see the stretchmarks?
01-13-2012, 03:21 PM
He loves you the way you are and that's very touching. He IS supporting you and doesn't want to see you getting sick/upset/frustrated because you aren't at what is considered an ideal weight.
What do you want him to do/say? You haven't really made that clear. If you want him to support you in a certain way, you might have to tell him that.
My husband is a little bit the same .... however he is very supportive in other ways ... finding the time to look after the kids while I exercise is the big one and helping me with the healthier cooking.....
He always comments on how good I look .... it is hard to beleive him as he is said the same thing from my top weight to my lowest ....
And what sunflower75 says .... It would be a lot worse if my husband actually said the truth!!
01-13-2012, 04:06 PM
Can you concentrate on what he does right?
* Does he bring home big bags of chips, eat them in front of you and constantly say "Hey, want a chip?"
* Does he watch the kids so you can exercise?
* If you say "No thanks, I don't want to go out for pizza, let's hit Panera so I can get a healthy sandwich" does he say "sure thing, babycakes"?
* When you make a healthy dinner, does he eat his broccoli without complaint and say "mmm delicious dinner"?
* If you need to spend 100.00 on a new pair of new workout shoes does he say "that's a good idea, your health is a great investment"?
01-13-2012, 04:40 PM
well can you imagine if our husbands were telling us how fat we were? honestly, there is no way for them to win :lol:
01-13-2012, 11:09 PM
talk to him about it.
01-14-2012, 12:42 AM
He is always trying to say kind words but thats not what I need right now. Am I just asking for too much?
If you expect him to be a mind reader, yes.
I don't think kind words is a bad thing. But if you are looking for a diffferent kind of support, tell him what that is, and ask if he can provide it. What is it you want?
A workout buddy? Help cooking? Shopping for groceries? Or something else?
And be prepared if this simply isn't an area where he shines at. Not everyone is good at everything or can give it. In that case, kind words isn't a bad thing. ;)
01-15-2012, 04:13 AM
my husband is exactly the same way and it can be infuriating sometimes! I have told him many times I wish I could see myself through your eyes just for one day!
It isn't that my husband isn't supportive but I think they don't realize how unhappy we are living in an unhealthy lifestyle. My husband is naturally thin so he loves my cooking and I think he feels if I change my lifestyle too much, his will also have to change.
I finally had a heart to heart with him and explained we both need to change. Just because his favorite food doesn't go to his hips it goes to mine and it makes me terribly unhappy. If he wants his wife happy he needs to support me and stop enabling me to eat things I know aren't good for either of us.
It took a while but it eventually got through..we have our moments but all in all he has begun to support my lifestyle changes. So point being here is..talk to him and tell him how you feel about this and what you wish he would do so you can succeed. :)
01-15-2012, 08:06 AM
I'm in a long term relationship and have the same thing- he always tell me he loves me the way I am. This makes me very happy but as I'm serious about losing the weight this time he's said he'll help me by going running with me and making sure I don't give in and eat cake :P just talk to him about it, should be fine.
01-15-2012, 08:20 AM
I would definitely try to talk to him about it. But at the same time, try not to harp on it with him too much. Beware of people thinking you're "obsessed" when you're just being smart, and people saying you have a "bad self image" when you're really just being honest with yourself.
01-16-2012, 11:54 AM
Thanks for all the different points of view. I am a very open and realistic person. So I do assume he would just be realistic about it. I do appreciate the great person he is.
stellarose I think your advice is great and I did try that approach and told him how I felt. His reply was, "Ok I get it, as long as you stay happy." He also reminded me of the time I video taped him playing basketball and when he replayed the tape he said, "Why didnt you tell me how slow I was on the court?" My very honest reply was, " You're not slow, you're a great player, I love watching you play!"
LOL well now I see his point of view. I definitely will focus on the good things he does which far outweigh this small thing. I'll just deal with it.