Ok so this is a minor vent and whine - simply because it is better for me to write it here than to go eat (I am an emotional eater as well as a boredom one).
I complain because people gush over my loss. They exclaim and ask constant questions and go on and on which I find annoying. BUT on the other hand, at one place I go nobody has said anything other than a minor "oh have you lost some weight? You look a bit different". Today I am sitting here (office) and someone came in who has lost weight (as much as me? I am not sure but do not think it is as drastic) They freaked out and talked about it for an hour after she left. Now I do not have proof they do not talk about me when I am gone! But they barely said a word to me about my loss/body changes (I am in a size 4 from size 14). They see me about 3 times a week so regularly but not everyday.
I was actually annoyed by their reaction to the other person "hey what about my loss?! I look great!..." How are people supposed to know what to do when I; a) do not want them gushing but b)was annoyed when they gushed over someone else and not me.
WTF emotional reactions? It is not TOM, I have no excuses for this reaction but it really makes me want to go and eat a cake or box of cookies (do not worry, this is not going to happen). Why on earth do I feel this way? Anyone else relate?
Wow, can you believe I experienced a very similar thing last night.
Every 5lbs I lose, I post my total loss on FB. One of my FB friends I have not seen in over a year and I ran into him at the grocery store last night. He says "Congrats on your weight loss, I keep thinking I need to do something but don't" His congrats did not even seem sincere. I guess what I really wanted was a "Wow, you look great!" Not greedy for compliments am I???
I think you may be a little uncomfortable with the attention you get.When we are insecure we shy away from compliments,then on the other hand we want somebody to notice.
one of my friends today told me she loses 1 or 2 pounds a year. So the weightloss is permanant. I lose 1 pound per week. So it wont be permanant.
After that she asked me to teach free weight exercises which my personal trainer has taught me.
Location: Initial goal was 150ish. Kept adjusting down to 135. Recently set new goal to 125! BMI Normal Weight!
Posts: 42
S/C/G: 185.5 / 132 / 125
Height: 5 feet exactly
1 or 2 pounds a year?! She must not have as much to lose as some people here. Do we have 25-50 years to lose the weight? When I'm 80 I won't care if I'm 50 lbs over weight. Sorry, guess I'm having an emo day too. Some people notice mine, some people don't seem to notice at all. (I'm short, so 10lbs on me is A LOT, so you'd think they'd all notice, but no).
one of my friends today told me she loses 1 or 2 pounds a year. So the weightloss is permanant. I lose 1 pound per week. So it wont be permanant.
After that she asked me to teach free weight exercises which my personal trainer has taught me.
This made me laugh
I've been a bit self-conscious of my slow weight loss (it's taken me 7 years to lose 94 lbs, for an average los of 13.4 lbs per year 20 lbs the first year. Zero pounds the second and third year, and 74 lbs in the last 4 years).
My doctor keeps telling me that I'm not the turtle I think I am, because most people who want to lose weight, don't. They gain, lose nothing or lose and quickly regain, so 10 to 20 pounds per year, even at my size is amazing progress. I sometimes see it that way, and sometimes I can't put aside my memories of regularly losing 8 lbs a week and losing 60 lbs in six months.
I'm all for being happy with slow weight loss, but even I have a difficult time wrapping my mind around one or two pounds per year (then again, it's better than I accomplished most of my life and during Years #2 and #3 of this current journey, so I have to be careful not to judge).
For myself I can say that very slow loss, has been the secret to my own sustained success, but I would never assume that my results apply to anyone else. I can only say that when I tried to lose quickly, I could only do it by making changes that were "too big" to fit into my life. I had to sacrifice things that were very important to me, so when I got sick of not having a life, I would give up on the dieting. Making gradual changes has worked much better, for me.
But going slow has it's own sacrifices. I'm losing too slow for most people to notice the weight loss. Anyone who sees me more than once a month, isn't going to notice the change. I can't even see the changes unless I get out the old photographs.
I would never tell anyone that their rapid weight loss is unsustainable. If they're willing to sustain the effort, they can sustain the progress. I do think though we often do encourage people to lose weight by effort that is unsustainable.
We're taught to lose weight by unsustainable means. We're willing to put more time and effort into weight loss than we really are willing to spend maintaining weight loss.
I'm firmly convinced (after 4 decades of dieting) that weight maintenance takes every bit as much effort as weight loss, so to lose weight permanently, you have to really be willing to sustain the effort forever. You may not have the exact same calorie level or the exact same workouts as for weight loss, but the effort isn't going to change. So you can't expect to sustain weight loss if you're not willing to make the changes permanent.
I think most of us don't even think about maintenance until it's upon us. We're not taught to. I've read thousands of books on weight loss, and only two on maintenance. Some of the diet books do deal with maintenance, but there's one chapter on maintenance and 10 or more chapters on the weight loss. I think we've got the importance reversed. I think we need to focus our energies on maintenance from the very first pound lost.
That has been a fundamental difference for me this time. I decided that I was going to focus on maintaining my weight loss and trying to lose "just one more." It means that even those years when I lost nothing, I still felt successful - because I was doing what I had never done in my life, maintained a weight loss.
When you focus and reward only weight loss, gaining doesn't feel much worse than not losing. I think it's where we get the "I've blown it so I might as well binge" logic. If gaining isn't any worse than not losing, when we screw up, we might as well make it as big a screw up as we possibly can (so we can start fresh).
I know that if I give up any of the changes I've made, I will regain. I'm not afraid of that anymore though, because I no longer see gaining as being no worse than not losing, and I don't see gaining a lot as being no different than gaining a little. I've finally realized that every single pound (heck every ounce) matters. I don't let little mistakes become huge mistakes, because I don't let myself think "It's no use."
Gaining a pound or two after a friday night restaurant meal doesn't mean I might as well make it five, so I can start fresh Monday.
But that's a hard habit to break, because it's become dieting "tradition" to do weight loss that way. Lose it rapidly, and gain it even more rapidly. Any way we can break that tradition should be celebrated - no matter the pace it takes.
Oh one more thing. I think there are many social and even physiological reasons that peoople can't win with weight loss comments.
One one hand, we're often taught to be snarky about weight loss. No matter what someone says or does, if we don't like it, we're encouraged to chalk it up to jealousy. If you ever complain about someone's reaction or lack of reaction to your weight loss, your friends will quickly assure you, "they're just jealous." Not "they're doing their best," not "you may be over-reacting," no it's always jealousy.
But another reason I think that is often overlooked, is the physiology of weight loss. Calorie restriction is stressful emotionally but also physiologically, and irritability is a common side effect. When you're irritable, it is easy to be paranoid, and twist any comment to reflect hostile intent.
I think the irritability I experienced with more rapid weight loss, is one of the reasons I have had such a dismal history with weight loss success. As a chronic people-pleaser, I hated being irritable. I just couldn't stand seeing the world as a hostile place, and when I dieted by more extreme methods, the world and the people in it, sucked.
I've found that slow, gradual changes prevent or at least mitigate the dieting-induced irritability - so I'm less paranoid, less angry, less irritable. Whereas in the past, I would cut calories so low, and/or exercise to the point of pain and I'd be one crabby cuss (it's no wonder friends and family would try to undermine my efforts, feeding me was like sedating an angry tiger - self-preservation).
I didn't recognize the irritability until my husband pointed it out in relation to my PMS/PMDD related irritability (and later realized it applied to dieting the rest of the year too). Early in our marriage, he started calling me werewolf (not to my face during PMS/TOM, that would have been suicidal). But when it was safe to tease me, he'd joke that it wasn't safe to enter the house without feeding the werewolf during that time of the month. He'd say that he'd have to throw burgers into the apartment, and knew it wasn't safe to enter the apartment until he heard munching.
An exageration of course, but he wasn't too far from the truth, and I realized the same was true the rest of the month during dieting. On one hand, my husand risked life and limb by offering me food (damned saboteur) but he also knew that refusing to offer me food was also risky (Food Cop!) and ultimately I was happier and nicer when I wasn't dieting (so in moments of entirely understandable selfishness is was extremely tempting to tempt me).
Dealing with my own irritability, has been vital and yet it's not often addressed. We're not often taught to recognize this potential barrier to weight loss, and yet I think it's a common one. It's just not one we often talk about.
When I have admitted to other women dieters being the diet-beeotch-from-heck, I've discovered that I'm not alone - and yet it's not something we often talk about. Instead, we focus on how the world is cruel and rotten to us when we're dieting, not how cruel and rotten we can be when we're dieting.
It's no wonder that some of the people close to us have mixed feelings about our efforts. Nor that we have mixed feelings about their efforts to support us.
[QUOTE=kaplods;4043690]Oh one more thing. I think there are many social and even physiological reasons that peoople can't win with weight loss comments.
One one hand, we're often taught to be snarky about weight loss. No matter what someone says or does, if we don't like it, we're encouraged to chalk it up to jealousy. If you ever complain about someone's reaction or lack of reaction to your weight loss, your friends will quickly assure you, "they're just jealous." Not "they're doing their best," not "you may be over-reacting," no it's always jealousy.
But another reason I think that is often overlooked, is the physiology of weight loss. Calorie restriction is stressful emotionally but also physiologically, and irritability is a common side effect. When you're irritable, it is easy to be paranoid, and twist any comment to reflect hostile intent.
You may be on to something there... I am under a significant amount of stress work related PLUS I am basically entering maintenance and a bit unsure about the process. I got here (still 4 lbs to go but I do not want to feel like I ever "arrived" in case I slip back into regular eating mode - which to me = eat a whole bucket of chicken). I still feel guilty when I add food in to my diet but am absolutely starving if I do not (think actual hunger pains). I will look at todays emotional issues as the stress coming out
I also think the issue with attention may be something - I am a bit uncomfortable with excess attention yet am starting to seek it? Perhaps I am in the limbo confidence stage It can only get better, right?
wow, I haven't really thought about the dieting irritability that way. I do have that, too. When I first started my diet (I've done it before, but took a break for pregnancy), I was coming off caffeine, sugar, and most carbs, and I was ready to murder my poor husband. It was also my TOM, but I didn't know it at the time. I don't usually have mood swings, but I was a firecracker then. The poor guy couldn't do anything right. After a week or so, I realized what had happened and apologized, and it hasn't been that bad since, but I do find that when I want a certain food or want to eat out and know I can't, I start to pout and just get in a bad mood because of the "injustice" lol. I don't always get that way, but dieting definitely does cause stress and irritability.
As to the comments-- I almost always like to hear that people are noticing. However, I don't have anyone who bugs me or food polices me. One of my friends (who lost around 30 lbs. on WW after a pregnancy, so a little experience with WL but skinny the rest of her life) will often ask how my diet is going or if I'm going to eat this or that, but often I think she's a) curious about a different type of diet and b) trying to help me. She's so considerate to make sure that if I'm coming to her house that there will be something I can eat or that I'll have eaten ahead of time, etc. I know she has the best of intentions, even if the questions get annoying at times.
Its understandable to want recognition for all your hard work, and its so tempting to compare yourself to someone else, even if it just comparing how others are reacting to that other person. I have the very strong tendency to compare myself and my life to others and must keep reminding myself that I don't have all the information when it comes to anyone but myself.
You don't know how they've been ranting and raving about the rapidly disappearing Harriette when you aren't around. And you don't know that maybe some people really haven't noticed, not because your weight loss hasn't been an awesome success (which is has, and you know it has!!!) but because folks are very self centered. I don't mean this as a negative, just a truth. We are all the center of our own universes and sometimes can fail to notice glaringly obvious changes in others.
Personally, I don't mind when people comment on my weight loss...but I have yet to believe anyone when they say "oh you look like you've lost weight!". I just think they are lying or trying to be nice. I used to weigh ~200lbs so I have slimmed down a bit, but for some reason I can't accept that other people may genuinely be noticing the change. Probably since I don't see it myself and feel exactly the same as I did at 200.
Gosh, tinneranne2, I am sure people can see the change. You are well over half way to your goal weight. That has got to be noticeable.
Quote:
Originally Posted by puneri
one of my friends today told me she loses 1 or 2 pounds a year. So the weightloss is permanant. I lose 1 pound per week. So it wont be permanant.
After that she asked me to teach free weight exercises which my personal trainer has taught me.
Don't you think she was joking? I mean, how on earth could a person even go about losing 2 pounds in a year? For one thing, I think even normal weighted people who have never had food issues fluctuate by a pound or two in a given week. That's just ludicrous!
As for people commenting... sigh... I think I have seen the last of a very close friend over this issue (there have been a lot of issues, this was just the last straw for me). A month or so ago I saw her for the first time in four or five months, so the first time since I started losing and when I saw her I was down by 40 pounds. I am 5'0" and 40 pounds has made a huge difference in how I look. And she said absolutely nothing about it. And when I said something she said she thought maybe I looked thinner. She also didn't notice that I had cut my hair from a length where I usually wore a pony tail to a super short style where the longest parts are like 3/4 of an inch. When I mentioned that, she said "I wasn't sure if it was cut last time I saw you or not." Hmmmmm..... Then a week or so later we went out to brunch with a friend of my husband's who I hadn't seen in maybe a year and he was like "Wow! Look at your hair! You've lost weight! You look great!" Now when I think about seeing this friend I just get a sick feeling. There was something really not right about her reaction or lack there of.
Otoh, tonight I went into our corner store to buy some diet coke and this guy that works there, who I also haven't seen in ages, since I'm not in there buying junk food, was SO sweet about it and really made me feel good. He speaks almost no english and just said "Wow! Look so nice!" and made some gesture to show he was talking about the weight loss, and gave me a big smile. I could never be bothered by a genuine happy for me reaction. It was just plain nice.
I have the same (but slightly different of course) issue with my yard. I have 30 dahlia plants in my front yard. They're gorgeous and people comment pretty much every time I'm in the yard. I always say thanks but in my head I often think, yeah, yeah, duh, I KNOW.
But I also know with complete certainty that if everyone stopped mentioning my dahlias tomorrow, I'd think wahhhhh! Why doesn't anyone love my flowers anymore?!
It's a very fine line, I think it's normal, and I don't think anyone who doesn't live inside your head can get it right. Brains are funny things.
I don't know I'm lucky I guess I have only lost 30lbs so its not that noticable so I don't have a lot of people who are bringing it up to me but I do have people bring up my lifestyle changes which makes me feel good "Oh you look really great, I always see you walking everywhere" quite a bit this past year.
I am a dreamer someone who lives in the clouds and I generally do not notice others physical appearances. I feel bad about that but since I don't notice I don't expect others to notice. Since I can't see it in myself reallly either.
I have the same (but slightly different of course) issue with my yard. I have 30 dahlia plants in my front yard. They're gorgeous and people comment pretty much every time I'm in the yard. I always say thanks but in my head I often think, yeah, yeah, duh, I KNOW.
But I also know with complete certainty that if everyone stopped mentioning my dahlias tomorrow, I'd think wahhhhh! Why doesn't anyone love my flowers anymore?!
It's a very fine line, I think it's normal, and I don't think anyone who doesn't live inside your head can get it right. Brains are funny things.
Brains are WAY funny! I'm also getting a bit "irritated" when people comment on my weightloss, yet when someone doesn't say something I'm also like whaaat?
I get together with a group of my girlfriends annually. Two years ago, I had lost 40 pounds. No one even noticed. In fact, one of my fit friends who had lost 10 lbs was telling me that her boobs shrunk, and explained to me that when you lose weight, everything, including your boobs, gets smaller. Like she was teaching me about weight loss. I was a little upset but sucked it up.
This year, I weighed about 18 pounds less than the previous year. They *gushed* over how much I had lost. It didn't seem nearly as dastric to me, but whatever.
Compliments: People can not win.
It can only get better, right? 
She also didn't notice that I had cut my hair from a length where I usually wore a pony tail to a super short style where the longest parts are like 3/4 of an inch. When I mentioned that, she said "I wasn't sure if it was cut last time I saw you or not." Hmmmmm..... Then a week or so later we went out to brunch with a friend of my husband's who I hadn't seen in maybe a year and he was like "Wow! Look at your hair! You've lost weight! You look great!" Now when I think about seeing this friend I just get a sick feeling. There was something really not right about her reaction or lack there of. 
