General chatter - Any stepmoms out there?




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fresno26
07-21-2010, 02:58 PM
After careful consideration, I've realized I'm the only person I know who is in my current situation: dating / living with a man who has a child.
I would really like to get to know other women who are in this position. It has been extremely challenging at times, and none of my single friends, or friends with biological children, can quite understand the challenges I face.
Just looking to see who out there is a 'stepmom' - thanks!!


VictoriaE
07-21-2010, 04:45 PM
Hi! I can understand! I am a stepmom to a 7 year old boy. I've been married only half a year and with my husband for almost 3 years.

It truly is a challenge. My husband's son is only with us every other weekend and my role seems not firm sometimes. It's so hard to know how to involve myself in the process of raising a child when I wasn't there for half of his life and when he has his biological mother. Jumping into raising a child halfway through their life is completely overwhelming sometimes.

I have only come across one other person in my situation who I've been able to talk to about it and it helps so much. I'm here if you want to talk (or rant!)

fresno26
07-22-2010, 01:05 PM
I do, I do, I do! haha
Thanks for the reply!
My boyfriend and I have dated for almost nine months. It's serious though, and I expect that we'll be together for a long time.
I moved in about a month ago, but we had been 'unofficially' living together for probably two or three months.
At the beginning, the child (who is five...almost six) was pretty bad, but then he got better and was super friendly for a long time. Now, it's getting bad again, but he's also being bad to his father and mother. So I guess that makes me feel better, since it isn't just towards me. Ha.
I am reading, "Stepmonster" right now, and it's full of good insight. Also, these articles were helpful, and dead on, in my opinion, in a lot of places.

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2009/11/stepmonster-8-reasons-why-step.html

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/04/01/stepmother.never.say/index.html

http://www.siskiyous.edu/class/engl12/stepmom.htm -- (my favorite)

My biggest complaint, in transitioning from a single person without kids...is probably the loss of sleep. =) He wakes me up at 6 am on Saturdays, and generally almost nightly otherwise...well, I should say he wakes his father up...since his father takes care of whatever the problem is...but in the process, I am woken up, and usually can't get back to sleep for two hours. I know he's in there, sleeping again within five minutes. This leads me to resent him, and his father, a little bit. I'M not the one who had a kid, but I'm woken up all the time by one! And there's a little bit of the 'constant reminder of boyfriend's past life/marriage' with this awful woman who hurt him so badly...I don't blame the kid for that, since he didn't do anything, but then I resent the boyfriend ever so slightly for reminding me that he was married to someone else. I have never been married. ....so, I don't know. Does that make sense? I feel like I've gotta put up with his baggage, though I don't present any baggage to him. Then, of course, I feel like i've gotta get along with this kid, even if he's a jerk sometimes, because he's obviously #1 in his dad's life, and if I don't, boyfriend will tell me to take a hike. (He has never threatened to, but we did break up once for a week when he was 'too overwhelmed to be everything to everyone')
So, I don't know. It's definitely more difficult than I'd anticipated. Kids love me. I don't have any idea why this one gives me trouble like this. I don't compete with his mother...I get along with her...I don't compete for his father's time (at all!) and I guess I just don't know what's up. I think he's questioning authority in general right now, and it's annoying.
Thanks for the vent session!
I understand exactly what you mean about coming into a life halfway through it. Our roles are kind of gray. I hope the articles I posted may help.
Do you want to keep in touch here, on Facebook, personal email? Just let me know. :)
Thanks again! Hope your day is going well!!


Onederchic
07-22-2010, 01:19 PM
I live with my boyfriend and he has a 13 year old son. His son doesn't live with us though. My situation is tense and difficult and quite honestly uncomfortable for me though I won't get into the details here :/

VictoriaE
07-22-2010, 01:25 PM
Fresno you are reading my mind! Your rant is way too similar to my rant! Do you have msn messenger?
Onederchic-how long have you been dating your boyfriend? Do you have an every other weekend type arrangement or something else?

Onederchic
07-22-2010, 01:48 PM
Victoria

We have been dating 7 years though 5 of those were very long distance. I moved in with my bf July 2008 and I didn't even meet his son until July or August 2009. He has his son every other weekend but they stay at my bf's parents house. His son has stayed 2 nights here but he has told my bf he hates our dog and he would rather stay at my bf's parents. I am sure the dog is part of the reason because the dog is a brat but I am also sure his son doesn't like the idea of me being here when he is having his "dad time". He has never been rude to be or anything but things are usually uncomfortable and tense in the house.

glenlorie
07-22-2010, 04:02 PM
Hi hunny,

I'll explain my situation to you, I think it is rather unique, and hopefully we can get to know each other and give each other advice.

A little over 4 years ago I moved in with my then boyfriend (now husband). We met while working at our local casino. He had full custody of his two children (at the time they were 11 months old and 2 years old). He was recently divorced after a long seperation and his ex-wife was awarded supervised visitation at our home for four hours every Sunday. (This was a HARD, HARD thing for me to live with when it first happened, I mean my boyfriends ex-wife in my home, around my husband and children who called me mama). This went on for two years, the first year she came to most of her visits, but did nothing but talk on her cell phone. DHS, and subsequently the courts, finally deemed her an unfit parent and deemed her as abandoning the children (since she quit showing up to her visitations all together) and her parental rights were terminated. She no longer is allowed to have visitation nor any contact with the kids (she was found to have abused them in several ways and it is just a long, long story). Anyways, we are now married, have two children together and one on the way and I'm in the process of legally adopting my two oldest children (my step-children) who are now 5 and 6. It has been a long, long battle and it takes a special type of mom to be a stepmom!! Please, if you have questions or just want to talk, you can private message me anytime you like. Keep up the good work sweetpea!

MissKoo
07-22-2010, 05:45 PM
I survived being a stepmom! It is so hard - but for different reasons that being a bio or adoptive mom. All I can say is that it most assuredly is NOT for sissies and I'm happy that at least one of my boys remembers me on Mother's Day (which is silly, I know. It's the "everyday" that matters!)

Remember, being a stepmom is esp. hard because it is a relationship born of loss - either by divorce, separation or death. You are walking into the situation one-down. Having a supportive husband who really appreciates you and what you do for his children makes it doable.

I love my boys. It hasn't been smooth sailing but they are just about grown up now and I know they can look back and say that their stepmom loved them. Blood's thicker than water but Love's thicker than blood.

Also, if you are a stepmom without any of your own biological or adopted kids, you might want to visit the childless stepmoms website. Lots of gals with GREAT advice. Kinda like 3FC

Onederchic
07-22-2010, 05:58 PM
I survived being a stepmom! It is so hard - but for different reasons that being a bio or adoptive mom. All I can say is that it most assuredly is NOT for sissies and I'm happy that at least one of my boys remembers me on Mother's Day (which is silly, I know. It's the "everyday" that matters!)

Remember, being a stepmom is esp. hard because it is a relationship born of loss - either by divorce, separation or death. You are walking into the situation one-down. Having a supportive husband who really appreciates you and what you do for his children makes it doable.

I love my boys. It hasn't been smooth sailing but they are just about grown up now and I know they can look back and say that their stepmom loved them. Blood's thicker than water but Love's thicker than blood.

Also, if you are a stepmom without any of your own biological or adopted kids, you might want to visit the childless stepmoms website. Lots of gals with GREAT advice. Kinda like 3FC


Thanks for this, I am gonna check it out.

EZMONEY
07-22-2010, 08:43 PM
.....

My biggest complaint, in transitioning from a single person without kids...is probably the loss of sleep. =) He wakes me up at 6 am on Saturdays,

Yep...that's what kids do!


..... This leads me to resent him, and his father, a little bit. I'M not the one who had a kid, but I'm woken up all the time by one!

Your word "resent"....worries me...


And there's a little bit of the 'constant reminder of boyfriend's past life/marriage' with this awful woman who hurt him so badly

this will be constant for many more years to come...



... I feel like I've gotta put up with his baggage,

children are not baggage...



So, I don't know. It's definitely more difficult than I'd anticipated.

it WILL become more difficult!


Kids love me.

I have no doubt they do....but THOSE KIDS are not fighting you for the attention with your bf...


I don't have any idea why this one gives me trouble like this.

It is probably less you and more of the situation he has been thrown in to.



I am sure you feel like I am a jerk for dissecting your post...I mean no harm! :hug:

I speak from experience. Too complicated to deal with right here...but you are putting yourself into a very tough situation....I want you to really "think" about it...because of what you have posted....

I was a divorced dad that married a divorced mom...me a son 14....daughter 12...at the time...my wife, a daughter 7 at the time...

that was almost 16 years ago....long story short...my kids always got along just fine with my wife...my step-d always hated me...even though her mom and dad divorced when she wasn't quite 2 years old....she always resented me taking time from her with her mom...

it paid a very huge price for many years...and was very hard on all of us...

fortunately things are totally fine now....and have been...but only since my step-d became more of an adult and not a child...

all of our kids were 50/50 with the other parent and ALL of us parents got along and are still very active as co-parents even today...with the kids 29-27-22....

it can be tough under the BEST of divorced circumstances....

if you have any doubt...I ask you to reconsider your situation for ALL of your best interests....

I am sorry if I offended you in any way with my thoughts....:hug:

CrystalZ10
07-23-2010, 11:14 AM
My biggest complaint, in transitioning from a single person without kids...is probably the loss of sleep. =) He wakes me up at 6 am on Saturdays, and generally almost nightly otherwise...well, I should say he wakes his father up...since his father takes care of whatever the problem is...but in the process, I am woken up, and usually can't get back to sleep for two hours. I know he's in there, sleeping again within five minutes. This leads me to resent him, and his father, a little bit. I'M not the one who had a kid, but I'm woken up all the time by one! And there's a little bit of the 'constant reminder of boyfriend's past life/marriage' with this awful woman who hurt him so badly...I don't blame the kid for that, since he didn't do anything, but then I resent the boyfriend ever so slightly for reminding me that he was married to someone else. I have never been married. ....so, I don't know. Does that make sense? I feel like I've gotta put up with his baggage, though I don't present any baggage to him. Then, of course, I feel like i've gotta get along with this kid, even if he's a jerk sometimes, because he's obviously #1 in his dad's life, and if I don't, boyfriend will tell me to take a hike. (He has never threatened to, but we did break up once for a week when he was 'too overwhelmed to be everything to everyone')
So, I don't know. It's definitely more difficult than I'd anticipated. Kids love me. I don't have any idea why this one gives me trouble like this. I don't compete with his mother...I get along with her...I don't compete for his father's time (at all!) and I guess I just don't know what's up. I think he's questioning authority in general right now, and it's annoying.
Thanks for the vent session!
I understand exactly what you mean about coming into a life halfway through it. Our roles are kind of gray. I hope the articles I posted may help.
Do you want to keep in touch here, on Facebook, personal email? Just let me know. :)
Thanks again! Hope your day is going well!!
Boy oh boy do I know what your talking about! Except for the part about resenting the child. I've gotten upset with my husband before when things don't seem kosher. She's pitched fits in public when she doesn't want to go somewhere, and no punishment is given. She sasses her dad and gets mouthy with him and no punishment. But its his fault if things go downhill cause he's giving her permission to act like that.

She doesn't pull that crap with her mom or with me. Her mom punishes, her, and I will just drop what I am doing and bring her back home and no tv, or computer is allowed. Only had to do it once, and threaten once, and she's perfectly behaved with me.

I resent her mom sometimes too. I took her shopping one day and she bought this Mother/Daughter heart necklace in two pieces and joked about how her mom would freak out if she showed her, the daughter half, and told her there were two pieces and let her mom think she had given it to me. She laughed at how upset her mom would be at this, and I just wanted to break down and cry. I love her like she's mine, but I am ALWAYS reminded that she is another woman's child and she will always love her better than me. Thats the way it should be, and I shouldn't be jealous, but that situation made me cry to think I didn't have my own little girl who could love me best and no one could say anything about it. :( (Jeeze...typing that made me tear up again.)

Kids wake up early, and try to wake up the whole house with them. I did it when I was a child, so I can't be too upset with her for doing it.
When I started dating her dad and we became serious, I was introduced to her, and I just got on her level. I'm not above having pillow fights, and wrestling matches with her. We color and play games and talk frankly when we are upset at something done.
You said that he is giving his parents trouble right now too. You jumped into this boat with them, so I guess your going to have to deal with his issues just like they are.

I've gotten upset thinking about my husband's past love life too. He did a lot and had a lot in the past. He even gave his last wife a baby and I cant have one cause we can't afford it.

It makes me cry at times, no baby, vacations, or many material possions, but I stepped into my marriage, knowing I couldn't have those things. I chose him and promised for better or for worse, and the better outweighs the worse by a lot!! I have a cool stepdaughter who loves me, and a happy little family and I'm much happier than I ever was.


I am dreading the words, "Your not my mom! I don't have to listen to you!" She hasn't said them yet, but I know its comming. lol

fresno26
07-23-2010, 11:33 AM
Victoria - Thanks for the reply! Unfortunately, I don't have any messengers right now. I do use Facebook a lot, and personal email. I would love to keep in touch! It seems as though we have quiiiiite a bit in common. =) Especially since the kids' ages are so close.

Onederchic - I'm sorry for what you have to go through. Did you check out any of the links I posted? A lot of them relieved guilt for me...if that makes sense. I think I had been making unrealistic expectations for myself in this situation.

Glenlorie and MisKoo - thanks so much to both of you for your advice and support! I will check out the childless stepmoms web site...I hadn't even thought that there would be a group especially for that. And I'm just glad to know that other people are going through this. I would like to keep in touch with both of you if you're interested.

EZMONEY - I don't even want to reply to you, but you've gotten me so hot under the collar that I feel I must. We obviously have very different opinions and thoughts on this topic. First of all, stepmoms versus stepdads = two completely different situations. Second, I DEFINITELY DO consider children to be baggage. What planet are you living on? I didn't say it was baggage that I'm not willing to deal with, or I wouldn't have began dating this heathen's father in the first place. Third, I am not going to 'reconsider' S**T, to put it bluntly. My boyfriend is wonderful and we have an amazing relationship, and kid or not, we are going to make it. This is, in part, the reason I have written to these lovely WOMEN - so I can vent, relate and share stories, and not let it stress me out, so it does not burden the relationship. I was being honest in saying that it leads me to resent them a bit. I didn't say a lot. But I'd be lying otherwise. Perhaps I'm being immature about it, but that's how I feel. And as far as, "That's what kids do!" - I have talked with three parents recently whose five year olds get up and watch cartoons on their own, without waking their parents up at an ungodly hour. So, there's a lot of room for compromise. Lastly, I don't necessarily agree that it will become more difficult. In fact, of the nine months of the relationship, there have been about four days total that have even been worth venting over. So....again, I just feel that we're coming from two totally different places, and I don't wish to discuss anything further with you.

fresno26
07-23-2010, 11:47 AM
Was anyone else not super happy with EZMONEY's post? lol...I know I came off as a total jerk, but frankly I don't care. I came here for support...if I needed another person to NOT be on my side...well, I'm sure I could call a ton of other people...haha

Crystal, my heart goes out to you! I am sorry that you aren't planning on having a child of your own. It sounds like you'd be an excellent mother. It sounds like you thought about it and came to the conclusion that this life would be what you wanted, even if you don't get to have your own kid. Is that still the case? I hate to see people settle for any reason, and I'm glad you're happy, but I'm also super sad for you that you're seemingly not getting everything you want. I guess it's very difficult to have everything though, isn't it? I just hope you're really, really happy, and that maybe your stepdaughter can be enough like your own child. (I hope this is coming across well....the last thing I want to do is offend anyone.) To me, of course I'd prefer a boyfriend without a child and ex-wife, but he's so wonderful, I wouldn't change a thing. We are literally two peas in a pod, and he makes me so happy.

As far as the resentment, I talked with boyfriend about it, and explained to him that I do hold a slight amount of resentment, but since the child did not ask to be born, my resentment mainly goes right to the boyfriend. And I don't mean anything like crippling relationship type resentment....but any time the kid is nasty to me, or wakes me up super early, or his mother totally screws up our plans (via last minute who's-keeping-him-this-evening type things), I have a little resentment towards him for having a child with someone else, because obviously if he hadn't, we wouldn't be having these issues. I think it will be a LOT easier to raise a child of our own together, eventually.

fresno26
07-23-2010, 12:02 PM
Also, I cannot reiterate enough that I am doing everything right, as often as possible.

I do NOT talk badly about his mother....ever.
I get along with her, and he knows that.

I am NOT competing with him for his father's time. In fact, I insist that they spend a ton of time together because a) I think they should spend a lot of time together and b) I'm independent and need alone time. There's very few hours of the week that the three of us are all doing something. He comes over three or four nights a week....he and his dad hang out, or he plays with the neighborhood kids, we, or they, have dinner, then he goes to bed.

I am NOT the primary disciplinarian. While I correct him if I see him doing something (minor) wrong, if it's a major concern, I let his father parent him.

Also, I'm super lucky because my boyfriend communicates well, is responsible and doesn't expect me to raise his child, and backs me up when I do contribute to the co-parenting.

One of my biggest concerns is that I still feel isolated at times, like I'm the intruder in this family...and it has been extremely difficult to come into this kid's life out of nowhere when he's five years old. It's just a tough spot to be in all the way around, really. I hope it will get easier in that regard. Many studies show things getting better after three or four years. (Here's hoping!)
I do anticipate that no matter how much he likes me, he will have a loyalty conflict with his biological mother.
So, I just thought I'd share the rest of my current thoughts. :)

ThicknPretty
07-23-2010, 12:11 PM
Hey Fresno...

From what I've seen of EZMoney, he's incredibly well meaning. I'm not trying to jump to anyone's defense. I checked out this thread because I'm sort of in the opposite situation (I'm a single mom dating a guy with no kids) and was just kind of curious about how you ladies feel about it and I couldn’t help but notice the tension…I really don’t think he meant any harm or offense and I actually do kind of agree with some of the things he said.

My kid is six and yes, he wakes me up sometimes earlier than I’d like him to, especially on the weekends…I remember doing that to my parents, too. I’d suspect that if you want him to get up and watch cartoons on his own or get his own breakfast or just entertain himself, you might have to help him learn to do it…

And it did sort of come across as if you were referring to his child as baggage. Sorry.

You got pretty ticked off over his post and I think maybe it was a little rash. Either way, everyone has their own opinions and is more than welcome to always post them and disagree…I don’t like the bickering though!! No fun!

I feel very sure that he means you no harm and took the time to respond to your post out of concern and interest...you should probably ease up on the replies though...3 already? Yikes...

VictoriaE
07-23-2010, 12:21 PM
Fresno-what is your email address?

I think that everyone has very different experiences with stepchildren. For some, it's easy, for some it's a challenge, and for some it's incrediably difficult. And one aspect that can make it especially hard is when you don't have anyone to talk to or vent about it. You see blended families all over but somehow when you get into that situation you feel like you're the only one and no one can understand what you're going through.

Crystal-I think all step parents are dreading those words!

BrittanieYork
07-23-2010, 12:24 PM
This is an interesting thread. I am in a very similar situation. I married my husband when I had a daughter who was 1 1/2 and his daughter when we met was 7. Now they are 5 and 11 and we have an almost 1 year old together. I still have situations with his daughter. She is very needy and clings to his every move. If he is not in the room for 5 minutes, I hear the inevitable "Where's daddy?"

I think most of our issues are me protecting my daughter. His daughter didn't always live with us. She officially moved in with us about 2 1/2 years ago full time. Hubby favors her and lets her get away with just about anything. If the 2 older girls are bickering, it's always my daughters fault. If his daughter yells at her, mine deserved it. This leads me to (I don't want to say resent her, but for lack of a better word, let's go with that).

I have a small group in my church that I go to weekly and there is one other woman in this situation. It's nice to be able to talk to her about her step-kids and get insight from her. I am also on Facebook a lot, so feel free to message me if you want to connect. I have so much more to say, but don't want this to get too long :D

fresno26
07-23-2010, 12:28 PM
ThicknPretty -
I had forgotten to mention parts of post three in my first post, and the second reply was for Crystal. Thanks for the careful monitoring though. I'm sorry if my many postings offended you somehow, lol.

I replied very nicely to everyone who didn't personally attack what I had to say.
I'm an incredibly nice and friendly person. I just couldn't believe that I came to this board for support, and he was basically saying, "You're a bad person if you think kids are baggage" and "It WILL ONLY GET WORSE!" Come on. I don't need that right now.

No offense to you, but it is, and will always be, my belief that kids = baggage. Just like an ex spouse is baggage....or a ton of other things. I didn't say I thought it was a bad thing. I'd (obviously) rather date a great man with a child than a terrible one without kids.

This aforementioned child in my life should have no trouble getting cartoons turned on. He has breakfast cereals or healthy snacks available to him (where he can reach them) and he's incredibly bright and mature for his age. So...I'm, again, not sure why he needs us to get up at 6 am to turn the TV on (since he can operate the TV, VCR, Wii, and Nintendo DS while we're awake) and then I can never get back to sleep.

Forgive my *****iness, but this is what happens when I haven't slept in six months due to someone else's decision to reproduce. :D

Onederchic
07-23-2010, 12:34 PM
Y'all can feel free to add me on FB as well, link to my FB is in my signature here.

Onederchic
07-23-2010, 12:43 PM
Oh and I really debated on whether to toss in my two cents on all the other stuffs so I will just say, for now, that I love 3FC. It has been a major tool for me in my weight loss journey. That said, it is a public forum and there are opinionated people here and some are very vocal with their opinions which is their prerogative. I have had at least one experience that I can recall where someone posted something really harsh and negative to me on a personal issue I was going through. I am a very emotional and sensitive person so it really hurt me and upset me though I do not even know this person and I should have just brushed it off but I couldn't. So now, I have that person on ignore so I don't have to read any of their posts (and no, it is not EZ :D). I guess what I am getting at is, I am in a similar situation, so I can relate to an extent. I also feel, you were looking for support here and not hashing of your posts. From me, you have support and like I mentioned earlier, feel free to add me on FB or private message me at anytime here :hug:

fresno26
07-23-2010, 12:47 PM
Onederchic - will do!

Brittanie - That's got to be more difficult than anything I'm dealing with, honestly. I don't know how people do it. I couldn't think of a better description than using 'resentment' too, though I've obviously caught some heat over it. :)
I would probably resent my husband and the stepdaughter if he always sided against your daughter in favor of her. I guess, in a MUCH lesser and different circumstance, I felt a little bit the same when the child was recently extremely abusive to my dog. (And it made me think he was upset with both of us joining the home as a package deal, until his father told me that he used to pick on other pets the same way.) I thought, this is my dog, of seven and a half years (longer than this kid has been alive) and here he is, abusing him for no reason. This dog is the closest thing I have to my own child....so for this other entity to be picking on him for no reason, I got pretty defensive. I kept my cool though, and had his father deal with the situation until I was no longer angry, then I talked to him to try to figure out what was going on. I think the child is bipolar actually...because his awfulness just comes out of nowhere, then he'll be sweet again for days. It's peculiar. And his mother definitely suffers from mental illness.
Anyway Brittanie, I'd love to keep in touch too. I'm sorry you've gotta go through this.

Victoria, I can't send you a private email for some reason. Want to send me yours? Not sure I want to post my email publicly, haha

Happy Friday to all of you!

VictoriaE
07-23-2010, 12:53 PM
Fresno I don't know why I can't private message. I haven't been a member for 20 days yet so could that be why?

Cali Doll
07-23-2010, 12:57 PM
I can't be with men with children because I don't want to find myself resentful or jealous of the child (and I KNOW I would).

That's not a situation I want to be in so I avoid it.

Good luck! If I were in your situation, I'd feel the exact same way you do. ....and I wouldn't be happy. It wouldn't be fair to me nor to the child.

fresno26
07-23-2010, 12:58 PM
Victoria, that's a good question. I wouldn't think it has to do with length of membership so much as something to do with your settings...but I'm not sure. :(
I just know that when I hover over someone's name, it usually gives me the option to send a PM, but yours doesn't. Does mine? You can send me one if you'd like to! :D

Onederchic
07-23-2010, 01:07 PM
Fresno I don't know why I can't private message. I haven't been a member for 20 days yet so could that be why?


Yep, gotta be a member 20 days to send pms.

VictoriaE
07-23-2010, 01:14 PM
20 days can not come soon enough! Fresno, I can send you an old email address and then direct you to a better one in just one minute!

VictoriaE
07-23-2010, 01:20 PM
Fresno- use ************

ThicknPretty
07-23-2010, 01:38 PM
I hope your day gets better. :)

Shannon in ATL
07-23-2010, 02:03 PM
Fresno, I have followed this thread and thought long and hard on replying. I know you won't love my reply, but I feel like I have to make it anyway and then I won't reply again. Five years ago when DH & I got together his son was an infant. He doesn't remember a life without me. You today sound exactly like me then. I didn't engage in the heavy discipline, I appreciated the fact that DH was content to do the raising of his child, I didn't choose to have a baby after all.

Life is all about choices. Your husband and his ex-wife chose to reproduce, yes. You then chose to move in with that man who has a child. Your choice has led to you getting awakened every day at 6 am, not theirs. My choice has led to me still being awakened to this day by a 5 year old who is ready to get up and watch cartoons with his daddy at 6 am also. It isn't intelligence or a lack of it, he is very smart. It is a desire for company.

Your stepchild does feel like you are competition for daddy's time, he would feel the same way about natural parents as well, I used to resent my mother for taking my father's time and they were still married and we all lived together. It is the nature of child - me, me, me, what I want, when I want it.

You say that you are worried because you still feel isolated from the family unit -I was too, for several years. It wasn't until I let go of the resentment and self imposed isolation I put on myself by being 'independent' of the family group that the isolation went away.

If you see him as baggage & an inconvenience he is going to feel that. I know my stepson did. He doesn't anymore.

I wish you only the best in your situation. I feel like I could have written your original post myself a few years ago. Heck, if you look at my previous posts there is probably one that sounds just like it. And if I'm not mistaken EZ answered it with the same things he said to you - and five years later I see that he was right.

Just my two cents as one in the same situation. If you ever want to talk to me PM me, otherwise good luck to you.

CrystalZ10
07-23-2010, 02:09 PM
Crystal, my heart goes out to you! I am sorry that you aren't planning on having a child of your own. It sounds like you'd be an excellent mother. It sounds like you thought about it and came to the conclusion that this life would be what you wanted, even if you don't get to have your own kid. Is that still the case? I hate to see people settle for any reason, and I'm glad you're happy, but I'm also super sad for you that you're seemingly not getting everything you want. I guess it's very difficult to have everything though, isn't it? I just hope you're really, really happy, and that maybe your stepdaughter can be enough like your own child. (I hope this is coming across well....the last thing I want to do is offend anyone.) To me, of course I'd prefer a boyfriend without a child and ex-wife, but he's so wonderful, I wouldn't change a thing. We are literally two peas in a pod, and he makes me so happy.

As far as the resentment, I talked with boyfriend about it, and explained to him that I do hold a slight amount of resentment, but since the child did not ask to be born, my resentment mainly goes right to the boyfriend. And I don't mean anything like crippling relationship type resentment....but any time the kid is nasty to me, or wakes me up super early, or his mother totally screws up our plans (via last minute who's-keeping-him-this-evening type things), I have a little resentment towards him for having a child with someone else, because obviously if he hadn't, we wouldn't be having these issues. I think it will be a LOT easier to raise a child of our own together, eventually.

I did go into the marriage with my eyes opened. I guess I just didn't know how stong the urge is to have one of my own. It doesn't help the situation either when my step daughter cries and says she's lonly and wants a sister or brother either. :( I know she wouldn't like it though. She is a lot like I was when I was her age and HATES for anyone to play with her toys or stuff. She gets freaked out when her stuff is messed with or changed, and she'd have to split her dad's atttention and my attention with a baby. I've explained it to her before, and she still insists that she wants a sibling. lol

Does your bf stick up for you when his son is nasty to you? My husband does which is nice. I remember him plainly stating that if anyone forced him to choose between her or his child, the woman would lose every time. I asked him, "what if she hated me? What if she was the one who made you chose? Would I still lose?" He said that she would lose than. Also said that anyone who claims to love a person, would never make someone chose between loved ones. It made me feel safe, and I know he won't tolorate any nasty behavior on either of our parts...

One last bit of insight before I go to work. I remember when we first got married, she would cry and ask her dad, "If there was a fire, who would you save? Me or her?" Its heart breaking to hear that from a child. :( But it showed that she was worried that he didn't love her as much as he used to. Kids do still think about those things. Your bf's son is acting out. His parents are split up. Maybe he thinks its his fault? Maybe he thinks he can get them back together? Maybe he thinks his dad loves you more, no matter how much he insists that he still loves him? I don't know...but those are possibilities.

As far as waking people up early to turn on the tv, maybe he is just wanting company when he's up?

MissKoo
07-23-2010, 08:16 PM
Crystalz10, something about your posts really touched my heart. I have to say that there is a little girl out there who has some amazing good fortune that you are her stepmom. You may always be reminded that she is another woman's child but every day you spend with her makes your bond stronger. It took me years to really feel good about my worth as a stepmom. I finally realized that NOTHING good or bad about their mom reduces my relationship with them. They're just working through their own feelings. I resented the "ex" so much as first, esp. because I was so envious that she could have kids with my husband (I couldn't - ). That being said, life is what it is and I have finally made peace with my stepmom-hood, if you will. The boys are young men now and there is no need for comparison any longer. Mom is mom. Koo is stepmom. Simple. That is a really good feeling.

About the fire question, I'd bet that if there was a fire dad wouldn't have to choose who he would rescue because you would be right there next to him rescuing her!

Last thing, that kitty in your avatar picture has the most contented smile I've ever seen! Too cute.

CrystalZ10
07-24-2010, 10:46 AM
As Dave Ramsey would say, you have an income crisis. Why don't you use your desire for these things as motivation to change what you're doing so you CAN have these things you want?

.

I LOVE Dave Ramsey!! I do follow his advice. We don't have credit cards, and the cars are paid off. We make enough to pay the bills and put food on the table, clothes on our backs, and pay tons of child support. My hubby did all kinds of stuff with his ex but they lived on credit cards and he went bankrupt when they split. I refuse to go down that road which is why I love hearing Dave give such great advice.

I did get a second promotion and a small raise, plus health insurance. My company will pay ALL the bills to have a baby, but my husband is NOT on board for one. I knew that before I married him though. This will pass, and my step daughter is wonderful and likes me a lot. Just hate that I missed out on the baby stage. :)

bargoo
07-24-2010, 11:25 AM
I am not a stepmom but I was a stepdaughter. I did not choose having this man in my life and I didn't like him even a little bit. For you stepmoms try looking at the situation from the child's view. He/she did not choose to be a child of divorced parents or in my case a deceased father. The child had no say in having a new person in his/her life. Because your husband has chosen you does not mean the child has. And remember this in the case of divorced parents sometimes the bio mother may resent you and even badmouth you to the child. It can be a bad situation but I have seen it go the other way, too. It takes a lot of compromise and willingness by all parties. I think the most important thing to keep in mind is the child is put into this situation without being considered. Just assuming everything will be just great is usually not true.
PS our birth kids can be brats, too.

CrystalZ10
07-24-2010, 02:08 PM
Crystalz10, something about your posts really touched my heart. I have to say that there is a little girl out there who has some amazing good fortune that you are her stepmom. You may always be reminded that she is another woman's child but every day you spend with her makes your bond stronger. It took me years to really feel good about my worth as a stepmom. I finally realized that NOTHING good or bad about their mom reduces my relationship with them. They're just working through their own feelings. I resented the "ex" so much as first, esp. because I was so envious that she could have kids with my husband (I couldn't - ). That being said, life is what it is and I have finally made peace with my stepmom-hood, if you will. The boys are young men now and there is no need for comparison any longer. Mom is mom. Koo is stepmom. Simple. That is a really good feeling.

About the fire question, I'd bet that if there was a fire dad wouldn't have to choose who he would rescue because you would be right there next to him rescuing her!

Last thing, that kitty in your avatar picture has the most contented smile I've ever seen! Too cute.

MissKoo:hug: That is exactly what we said to her about that. I just looked at her, and said, "Don't you know, I'd be there with him, and we would both be saving you!" It made her feel better, and thats when she sarted cuddling with me when we watch movies. Sometimes I have to remind her to show daddy some love too. :) I do love her like she is mine!
Bargoo...thanks for posting your point of veiw. Its sad that you didn't like your step dad...was he a jerk? Are you okay with him now? It does suck. My parents split up a few years ago before I got married. It hurts even in my 30s, it sucked!! My dad is dating a lovely mom of 4 little ones. I like her a lot. Never met my mom's boyfriend so nothing there...I would try to get along just cause I know what its like to be a step parent, but I didn't ask for them to split up. If its hard for an adult, how much harder is it for a child??

tanya123spa
07-24-2010, 02:56 PM
People definitely don't understand what I go through. Sometimes my step kids (2 girls 17 and 22) do unbelieveable things (such as steal my jewelry). The problem is, I cannot ban them from my home because it is not fair to my husband and I dont want to impact his relationship with his kids, or hurt my marriage (which for the most part is pretty darn good). It is nice to have a forum to vent or share. Thanks for starting one.

fresno26
07-25-2010, 11:48 AM
Well, I didn't know I'd get this much of a response, but thank you! I'm glad I started it too. I like the idea of this becoming a forum, actually. It may be a good board for venting (when necessary) ;)
This weekend has, again, been somewhat challenging. This child is just not respecting me or listening to me. His father is stressed out now, wondering if this will ever get better. So then it makes me worry, as I've said, that he'll end up breaking up with me to raise his child with no 'competition' from a girlfriend or wife. So then, in turn, I blame the kid a bit for being the only threat to my relationship. I know that may be lame of me, but other than him, the boyfriend and I have no issues or anything to work through. We get along super well. I just feel like my hands are tied. I'm good to this kid, but he can be awful to me, and I, the innocent party, can still have my life turned upside down because his father may see it as 'too much to overcome'. UGH. I am frustrated and saddened. Not sure what to do.

CrystalZ10
07-26-2010, 11:09 AM
If he dumps you because of his childs bad behavior, than he isn't worthy of you. He is the parent, and he shouldn't allow the child to continue to disrespect you. If he's doing this now while he's young, he's gonna be worse when he's older.
If he allow's his childs behavior dictate his love life, he's gonna be pretty lonely sooner or later..
Have you asked him if he is considering letting you go? That makes me sad to think someone would give up a happy relationship for a child that might wind up hating him anyway, with or without a relationship. :(