My husband and I have this ongoing argument, and I guess I just need advice. I don't have many friends here, and in fact my closest friend is his sister and I don't want to pull her into the middle of it...so I've got nobody to talk to in person.
He drives a truck 5 days a week, usually right up to his legal limit for the day, hauling stuff for a local company. He sometimes gets up at 2 or 3 am, sometimes doesn't get home 'til 5 or 6, or later. I understand he works hard, and respect him for it.
I don't get that same respect back, however. In his opinion, my job isn't a real "job" because I work in an office. I'm the editor of a weekly newspaper. It's stressful, and a lot of times involves a TON of extra work after hours and on weekends. But since I sit at a desk a lot of the day sometimes, I don't "work" in his opinion. Never mind the fact that every single word I put on paper could bring the hatred and ridicule of more than 1,500 readers onto my head...it's not stressful or work to him.
My schedule is: up whenever his alarm goes off because he can't get out of bed (be it 2 am or 5 am). I work out from around 5:15 am 'til 6 am, shovel down some coffee, prepare my breakfast, head to work by 6:30 am. Work from 6:30-11, take half an hour for lunch, then work from 11:30-4. Go home at 4 pm, feed the dogs, start dinner. We eat dinner and I do the dishes, put them up and clean up the kitchen in addition to covering evening meetings and sporting events for the town.
I also pick up after the dogs and after him when he leaves his clothes and socks and shoes everywhere. And I make his lunch every evening for the next day at work. And I'm always doing extra things...like making him a glass of tea before supper. I get NONE of that in return.
I do all these things and NEVER complain. I just do them. I just feel like he doesn't respect what I do. I've tried to talk to him about it, and he just gets offended. I finally got fed up with it last night when he said I don't "work" and asked what HE does, extra, to help me. He said "Look at the bank account," like he's the one who makes all the money, and my job (and paycheck) is nothing.
You should go talk to my parents and in laws, because they would say it was the other way around. You have a job that you had to be educated for and well in their opinion anyone can drive a truck. They are always harping on both me and my husband to get "real" jobs like we already don't work and earn decent money.
Anyway I'm sure you both work very hard, and the is something to be said about picking up around the house. I used to do all the housework when I worked a little less but since my husband got laid off I expect him to do most of the picking up and he complains endlessly on what a task it is, I think people who don't tend the house take for granted all the work that goes into it.
I don't have any great advice for you, but I understand how you feel. Personally I would stop doing housework for a week so he could see what would happen if no one did it, but i know in many households that would cause more of a problem.
go on strike, just go to your paying job, stop all the extra work you do which sounds like its for his benefit anyway, let him wake his own self up etc
When I read this, there were a lot of one-liners that popped into my head, but I don't feel like that's what you're looking for. It sounds like you're being very honest so I will tell you what I would do in your situation (again, this is just what *I* would do).
I would stop doing anything above and beyond my regular work and anything that needs to be done at home so *I* can function. I would stop making dinners, stop making his lunches, stop picking up after him, stop waking up to make sure he gets to work. If he thinks that he's this cool, macho, hard-working guy then let him be that. He'll realize what you do for him once you take it away. Now I should clarify that I'm not into playing games with my husband, but on the other hand since you've already tried talking to him and that hasn't worked, it's time for something that he will notice. Granted he may make more money than you or have to "work harder" than you, but at the same time you deserve his respect for also bringing in money for the household. I also should add that just because his job is more manual doesn't mean that it's better than yours. If anything, I would say your job is better than his - You aren't putting stress on your body at all while working at a deck in (I'm sure) a comfortable chair. While he's out driving in a not-so-comfy truck to do his job.
TBH, this whole post has made me a little sad because it's unfair of either husband or wife to degrade the other citing their jobs. I would never make my husband feel low because of what he does for work or how much he gets paid and I don't feel that he would ever do that to me. I hope you can help him see the light of day and hopefully he begins to understand that you go above and beyond for him on a daily basis with nothing in return and that in itself is something that eventually will help you to come to resent him and possibly cause a rift in your marriage. I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated on what you decide to do and how it goes.
I totally agree with stargzr. It sounds like you have already tried to talk to him. I'm not into playing games with DH either, but I think your DH is taking what you do for granted.
Thanks, y'all...I've felt like I've been taken for granted for a while now. If I can stand it, I'll stop the "extra" stuff...can't stop cooking dinner, though, b/c what would I eat? I can stop picking up around the house as much and doing the extra little favors, though...
It's totally causing a big rift in our marriage. It's hard to be married to someone who doesn't respect you...
First of all, good call on not involving his sister. This was a great move. I agree with the ladies above. It does sound like he's taking you for granted a little bit. I would try talking to hiim again and maybe tell him how it really hurt your feelings that he thinks/talks about your job the way he does. Honestly, I also agree that your job is more along the lines of what I'd consider a job than driving a truck. Yes, driving a truck entails long hours but let's be real, you're sitting on your butt using zilch brain power. Not exactly grueling or stimulating mental labor. That is just my opinion though. I would try talking. If that doesn't work, i'd stop doing certain things and keep cutting back until he noticed. Good luck.
Wow. That's not fair. If my boyfriend, who currently does pest control and is a student, came up to me and said that I don't have a real job because I work in a lab and with a microscope, I think there would be a very heated battle. What I do isn't labor intensive, but it is the result of 9 years of higher education and can be very stressful. Anybody can drive a truck whereas your job requires education. Like someone else said, my family would consider your job a real one and perhaps not his. But you both have jobs and should respect what each other does. He should be happy that you have great work ethic and are helping out. Good luck.
My good friend went on strike last year, because she felt that her husband didn't do enough around the house. She only did what was absolutely necessary. When it came to cooking, she only made enough for 1 person, she only did her laundry etc. She'd tried talking to her husband, and while he wasn't rude about it - he just didn't get how much she did around the house. After about 10 days, or so he started to come around. He's the first to admit that he's not perfect, but he's much more willing to help out.
Going on strike might help you with the household stuff, but I'm not sure what to do about how he feels regarding your job. I've met several individuals who have chips on their shoulder's when it comes to office jobs and it's hard to change their minds. It's almost like they resent, the fact that they have physically demanding jobs, and feel that everyone else should have to work the way they do. I don't have any advice there. **hugs** I hope things getter better.
Mindi my parents have the same argument daily... my dad claims that because he pays the bills he literally doesnt have to do anything else... I told him last night that my mom was just tired and needed some help and he got all offended. She works a full time job, he works more hours yes 3 am until probably 4 or 5 in the evening... yesterday he came home and gave her crap about not walking the dog... she cooks, cleans and does everything for him and honestly all he does is make messes constantly...my mom has been like this for the past 23 years and she never complained she just always did it and now shes tired... and shes overly stressed and wants to leave... now I dont want her to leave but I understand that her leaving might help the both of them... I know she wont be gone forever but she just needs help and a break
I'm really sorry this is happening to you. Try to talk to him one more time in a non-confrontational way (always using "I feel" or "I think" as opposed to "you don't" "you aren't" etc.). I would acknowledge that you agree that his job is grueling and you have the utmost respect for what he does but that you need to feel respected for your contributions as well....that if you do not feel that level of respect and appreciation that you will ultimately grow resentful and not want to do the little extra things that most people would appreciate in a relationship. If he turns the discussion back around into how your job isn't worth appreciating or he is the real "worker" I'd try one more time to again acknowledging that he is a hard worker and you appreciate the work he does (and that nothing you are saying is in any way an effort on your part to diminish what he does) but that you are a hard worker too in a stressful job and that if your relationship is going to work in the long run, you need a foundation of mutual support and respect when both of your jobs and lives are as stressful as they are. If he doesn't respond to that I would cut out the extra stuff you do for him.
I'm sorry that that is the only advice I can give. I went through something very similar with my live-in ex of three years and eventually gave up trying to make him see how valuable I was (ironically, he sees it now that we've broken up). I hope your situation doesn't come to that.
Maybe it is disguised jealousy? And it is coming out the way it does and you aren't getting "credit" because to pump you up would mean
1) Acknowledge he's been pushing you down (ie: I'm being a jerk)
2) makes him feel more UGH about his own work (ie: I'm stuck in a job I dislike)
Not that passive aggressiveness is ok to do.
There is also this angle...
DH and I sometimes get into it over house chores because I put in more time there than he does. To him it is just chores. To me it is also about nurture, caring for each other, etc. If I've been lacking time to connect in other ways (real conversation, time alone away from kids, other ways for nurture to happen etc) I start to see his disregard for chores as disregard for me.
So I get cranky and resentful when I have to do chores. It's like... he doesn't take time out to nurture ME, so why am I doing nice house things to nurture HIM? And just doing my own chores is not satisfying either -- make my own lunchbox, dinner, laundry, etc. Because I'm still not getting what I want -- emotional intimacy and nurturing.
My fiance and I used to get into the housework arguments a lot. His mom never made him do any chores growing up - she told me once that she wanted him to have fun growing up and that it was more fun to play with him than to make him do chores (wonderful woman, but I couldn't disagree with her more on that!).
Because of that, he honestly didn't know how to do things like the dishes when we first started living together. He could look at a mess on the floor and literally not know that it wasn't there, which was seriously frustrating for me, coming from a pretty clean household with regularly scheduled chores.
We used to fight about it a lot, and a lot of the time, he felt bad that I was upset and he couldn't understand why. Things got especially bad when we moved to WI and I was working full-time, running a business part-time and still doing the all the housework - and he was only working part-time. We hit a breaking point where he finally understood how overworked I was, and our compromise was that he wouldn't have to look for a second part-time job if he took over all the house work. Now he's the one giving me crap about how hard he works around the house
I don't know much about your situation or how long this has been an issue, but don't give up hope yet. It can take time, but if you keep bringing it up in a reasonable way (ie - not as part of a screaming match about how unfair things are), he may eventually catch on. Just remember that the male ego is a delicate thing - he might be dealing with all sorts of insecurities about his own line of work, and he might be feeling even worse on the inside knowing that he isn't making you happy.
I used to have a boyfriend who was a truck driver...he didn't do local, he went over the road, and I often felt bad for him because of the lack of sleep he got. (He was often over his daily limit but shh) And I had an office job. Your husband kind of surprises me because I remember my ex often telling me he didn't know how I tolerated the job I did, dealing with people every day that could be moody or cranky, the stress that came with having all these different things to do, etc., and said he didn't think he could handle it. I understand he worked hard as in, driving all day can be a pain and he was tired quite a bit, but even he would admit that his job wasn't something to be raising **** about because he sat on his rear end in a truck all day.
I have to say if it were me, I would cut out the extra things you do for him, until he either started doing the things himself or showed you some respect and appreciation.
My ex husband was a Marine and I definitely went on strike with him more than once, lol. I always have felt like men need actions to show them we're really serious about something, instead of just telling them. They don't always listen well.
I'm going to be the devil's advocate here and say a strike wouldn't do anyone much good. You'll be miserable waiting for him to come around, he'll be miserable because his routine is shaken up. He probably already feels threatened because his wife doesn't think he's a good husband.
In my experience, men who have to resort to acting condescending do so because they're clinging to pride, not because they don't respect their wives. He's not clueless; he's noticed that his lunch is always packed, dinner is always on the table, the house is magically cleaned and his wife is bringing as much to "the bank account" as he does. How does that make him feel? Probably worthless. Imagine if you had a super-husband who did everything. Did all the cleaning, packed all the lunches, was more popular around town...now imagine that he kept tally. He does A, B, and C, and you only do D, you lose, he's the bigger contributor to the relationship. If super-husband was like that to me, I might be tempted to resort to "look at the bank account" as the only thing left I had to offer.
Part of the problem is that you "NEVER complain." Men haven't been raised to intuitively know what should be done around the house; they need to be told. Just talking in a general manner doesn't do much good--it usually just ends up as a volley of accusations. But they do respond well to requests that draw attention to their strengths. He may be bad at picking up his socks, but what chores is he good at? Instead of automatically taking care of everything, ask him to help with a specific task, like taking the dogs out to play or washing the car or putting the dishes away.
The bottom line is that he probably acts the way he does because he doesn't feel respected. As a truck driver, he might feel he's looked down upon by society (like Mikayla said, most people think any ol' hick can drive). Hearing that his wife thinks he's inadequate as well doesn't help.
No respect at home...(sigh)
