How to tell someone off who won't STOP with the comments
Okay, so you'd think I'd be immune by now. I've heard just about every weight loss comment, (good and bad) known to man, and usually I let them slide, but sometimes it gets SO annoying. I just needed to vent a little.
So last night we were at Church, and during Lent there is always a big "lunch" after the evening service. It's basically a buffet of salad style sandwiches and sweets. I dieters nightmare. When I'm called to bring something I always bring a big bowl of berries, or other fruit and a veggie try, but usually that is the only time there is anything healthy there. I always eat before we go, and if there is something I can have I'll have it. Last night was not my night to bring stuff, but there were carrot sticks and pickle spears, so I loaded several on a small plate and grabbed a cup of coffee. Then it happened AGAIN. A particular (overweight) woman who has asked me on several occasions how I have lost my weight is standing there and says loudly, "See, I just couldn't do that. No way. I would never just settle for carrots and pickles."
I told her I ate before I came and I didn't want anymore, (lie...I was drooling over all the chocolate treats). She then starts in again..."Denying yourself will only backfire on you." I just couldn't take it another minute, and Jesus would have NOT been happy with me, (especially saying this at church), but I just looked at her and said, "Well, I hope you never do deny yourself, because this way I get all the attention!"
The look on her face was priceless, but I got chewed out on the way home by my dh. It was mean, and feel like an idiot, but darn it. Just because a person doesn't want to get healthy doesn't make ME the dummy for trying to maintain my weight loss. gurr.
People are so wrong when they say they can't do that, but they don't know that. God didn't give me any more will power than he gave anyone else. What people don't understand is that it takes a good chunk of will power for a couple weeks, but after that, it's not so bad. And the benefits so outweigh the initial discomfort!!
I'm sorry that happened! I am also so glad that we have a place like this to come and vent.
She clearly was looking for some sort of group validation that it was okay to stay overweight and unfortunately you were the casualty of that. I really think that what people say is a reflection on thier own issues and has little to do with us. But, still, hearing it day after day gets old. It's human to snap at some point. We all do it. While it's not optimal to be snarky, I bet she thinks twice before saying something to you again.
She clearly was looking for some sort of group validation that it was okay to stay overweight and unfortunately you were the casualty of that.
Exactly. What BeachBreeze just said. This not at all about you. It's about her.
This is the behavior of someone who belongs within a particular social group, which you happen to share with her, and who for some reason feels insecure about her place within this group. Her place in the hierarchy, wherever that is, seems to be in jeopardy. You appear to be a threat to her in maintaining whatever turf she's got, or else there's a bigger threat than you, but she is momentarily projecting onto you. Basically, she is trying to get in good with the larger group, which is why she wants to be overheard & is playing to an audience, rather than taking you aside & talking to you factually about how you do it, whether it works, whether she could learn something from it, or whether she's concerned about you. One-on-one is how adults relate in an equal transaction. But she is trying to dominate here by dissing you before the others.
Whenever we change ourselves, our place in the social groups we belong to changes a bit. There's a shift. And the others alongside us are affected by the shift, and they sometimes "act out" childishly to keep their places.
We see members bringing these stories to us all the time. It's always within a group context, too. Whether it's the workplace, at a party, at a church gathering, or even within the confines of a family, when there is someone who silently (and often inadvertently) challenges the existing hierarchy by losing her weight & working on self-improvement, some others are affected, and the insecure ones respond with a show of power, by trying to take out that person in a one-on-one duel in front of the rest of the group members.
Think of mares in a herd suddenly squealing, pinning back their ears & kicking each other, and the herd looking on in mild interest till the little squabble to establish dominance ends.
I'm afraid that I am not very good at telling people what the Christian thing to do is, though. How you respond to your attacker -- that's another issue.
I think you did great! I am still thinking of all the nasty things I would have said to her. Like, "No, clearly you couldn't manage just carrots and pickles. That much is obvious" with a blantant look at her figure. You did very well to keep it to one fairly tame comment.
That is so, so frustrating that she feels she has to say stuff. She must be jealous of your success, and feel insecure about her own body. The nice girl part of me would want to be all "Oh no, it's not bad," and explain about eating before the service, but the mean girl in me would just want to stick my tongue out. Seriously, I think you handled it just fine. Jesus would totally understand.
Sometimes, the polite smile-and-nod just doesn't cut it when confronted with blatant delusions.
Okay, so a church related function maybe wasn't the best venue for speaking your mind *that* clearly. All things considered, I think you showed some restraint. You chose not to be as rude as you could have been, and you certainly needed to address what she said to you.
Whoa, you've maintained for 8 months?! Excellent work!
ya i love pickles and carrots! you just have a willpower! shame on her for saying that. your proof that resisting those tuff moments causes lifetime happiness!! good for you for sticking to your guns.
While I do believe there are plenty of occassions where an idiot needs to be shocked into realization that they are an idiot, this doesn't sound like one of them. Especially because she's probably hurting about her own weight and letting that come out in inappropriate ways. Doesn't make it right for you to respond in kind.
But since you did it, and I've done the same thing a bunch, go ahead and enjoy the look framed in your memory
Personally, I'd give it a week and find a chance to apologize privately and say something like, "hey, this whole thing is a daily challenge for me even though I've had a lot of success and sometimes little comments that you might think are innocent are tough for me. But it caused me to lash out at you and I didn't mean to hurt your feelings"
Should she apologize to you, absolutely. But you have no control over that. Instead you have the chance (like you do here every day!) to continue to plant healthy seeds in the life of someone else (who in all honesty probably really looks up to your success) regardless of whether or not they deserve it.
This does bring up an interesting point that I find it much harder to respond to weight loss/diet comments from someone who is really overweight than I do someone who is skinny. Haven't really figured that one out yet.
Yes, she was clearly defending herself from your carrots and pickles. And clearly the idea of "denying" herself scares her. And the comments do get so, so, SO annoying! But I think it wouldn't have been quite so annoying to you if you hadn't been drooling over the chocolate treats...
I have to applaud not only your amazing weight loss, but also your restraint in your reply. it was much gentler than I would have been, I'm afraid.
That having been said, maybe she is really looking for attention from YOU and would honestly like to know how you lost 190 pounds. People don't always understand how hard it is, especially when they forget about the "before" and only see the "after". I know I never had compassion for the overweight among us until I became a fat chick!
Are you a methodist? We have a lenten service on Sunday nights and always have the same spread it seems! I cannot wait to get that comment, next year! And one thing my daughter said when I quit eating white flour-its not that I can't have it, I choose not to!
I am so glad I saw your post! you are truly and inspiration!
Pam
If it happens again in a church setting, I'd be tempted to say something like "I pray a whole lot, and I think that helps". This is actually a crabbier thing to say, because there's a clear implication that if she prayed harder, if she were more devout, maybe god would have helped her too, but it sounds like a humble, self-deprecating comment.
How to tell someone off who won't STOP with the comments
That so should not make me laugh. 
LOL! 
I am also so glad that we have a place like this to come and vent. 
