I'm going with the she opened herself up for it group. I don't know WHY people feel like they have to force themselves into your life like that... she certainly didn't appreciate it when you returned the favor, huh?
I think it was a pretty restrained remark too - as far as I'm concerned, if someone starts the conversation, then they shouldn't be surprised at the answer. It's not like you are going around telling overweight people that they need to change their lives and their food choices - why on earth should it be considered acceptable the other way around???
I have gotten a LOT of comments, and I've never snapped...maybe it's on it's way! But I really, really try not to tell people off in general.
I might have said in response to her "I could never do that" comment, "Well, luckily, I have no problems doing this, and even if it is hard sometimes, the benefits way outweigh the negatives for me." BIG SMILE AND REPEAT.
"Denying yourself will only backfire"
"Well, luckily, eating this way isn't an issue for me, and the benefits way outweigh any negatives".
Need to add more detail. By snapping, you're giving her ammo ("Oh, that Lori is just SO CRANKY only eating carrots and pickles", or even just "Well, Lori may have lost weight, but she gained an attitude" or etc...more negative ammo for her to throw). And since your snapping (though understandable) provided her with a possible additional reason to believe you're not happy or losing weight just for attention or etc (it's not true, but it might be where her head goes), you may have merely fueled the fire more for future comments.
By responding with something calm and repetitive, you're saying "Really? You think this is a big deal? Hmm, interesting", you don't escalate the problem, but you can still get your point across.
I'm with Mandalinn. I would have taken the "kill her with kindness" route and said something along the lines of "really? I think they're delicious!" to the pickle and carrots comment and "So far it hasn't caused any problems!" to the backfiring comment.
I can't help but wonder what the reactions on this board would be if we read this post from the overweight woman's perspective. I would have been very empathetic and suggested she say something snarky in response to Lori's comment. I don't mean to guilt-trip you Lori - sometimes things just get to us and we can't help the way we feel. However, if I were in that situation, I would apologize to her. To me, nothing she said sounded mean and disparaging. It was mostly incredulous and opinion-based.
Last edited by Sunnigummi; 03-18-2010 at 11:51 AM.
Laurie ~ I actually think you exercised restraint, BUT I also think that she was asking for help in a way. She obviously admires what you have achieved or she wouldn't be approaching you so often, and asking you so many questions about it.
Also, in her comment, she said "I" wouldn't be able to do that ... just pick carrots and pickles ... this was more about her than you! I don't know any overweight person who likes to be that way and who wouldn't want to know how you succeeded; and still manage to turn down all those goodies staring you in the face.
Next time, I would definitely bring some healthy stuff whether it is my turn or not; that will help you and others too. Consider it your good deed during the lent season; lent doesn't just have to be about doing without, but what about doing good for others too? Mercy instead of sacrifice: as in, mercy for others too ...
I think that saying that you just ate before you came so you aren't that hungry was fine; OR, you could just say that there aren't too many healthy choices there, or ones that would fit into your new healthy way of living ... and leave it at that ...
Last edited by Justwant2Bhealthy; 03-18-2010 at 11:59 AM.
I agree that when we lose weight, it can feel threatening to some of those around us. Many people base their self worth on where they stand in relation to others - unfortunately, we women tend to be the worst about this. When someone goes from heavy to thin and shapely, it can bring out some really strange reactions. Most people are happy for you, but there is usually some underlying jealousy, because losing large amounts of weight is something that everyone knows is HARD. And if you've been succesful at it, that says something really good about you. And for those that haven't had that success yet, it can be a reminder of where they failed. Sometimes that can be the reasoning behind snarky comments. I've had a few of those myself, and I try not to let them get to me.
I feel sorry for that woman. I’m obese according to my BMI and a month before I would answer like her that “I can’t live denying food”. However, this last month eating healthier made me understand how “delicious” food affected my mood and health, and now I feel happier without chocolates, sugar, and other “delicious” stuff. She acted like that because she is ignoring how great eating right can make us feel and because she is still a food slave (like I was before starting this journey).
To me, where the women's comments went over the line was "'Denying yourself will only backfire on you.'" Unsolicited advice is annoying under the best of circumstances. Unsolicited advice from someone you don't know well is even more annoying. Unsolicited advice from someone who self-evidently has less credibility than you on this particular issue is beyond annoying, and unsolicited advice from someone who is actively encouraging you to give into a temptation that you are fighting in order to make themselves feel better is enough to push a saint to swear.
Mind you, I probably wouldn't have said anything because personal comments make me so uncomfortable that I just totally freeze. But I can certainly understand the impulse.
Aww... she is OBVIOUSLY jelous of your self-control and wanted to rally up people against you as in "who on earth wants to choose carrots over cake?" But it backfired on her, LOL! But I still feel bad for her for some reason. She must've been so embarrased and hurt.
I have to say that people really get a limited view of what I eat, especially in potluck/shared food situations.
Since I eat a vegan diet, there is hardly anything I am willing to eat in shared food situations. So people will see my husband and I eat things like plain veggies (carrot sticks) and their limited view is that we are eating an unbalanced diet.
It'll also happen sometimes if we go to a restaurant that has very limited options as well so they may see us eat some steamed veggies and a baked potato and think 'poor us' or what not.
Of course at home, we make full meals and when we go to veg friendly restaurants, we have tons of options. Their view of what we eat and what we actually eat is just so limited that they don't quite understand.
Anyway, if that lady saw what you ate as a meal, maybe she'd get a better understanding that you aren't 'deprived' but with her limited view, she doesn't understand that you can have filling, nutritious meals that are also low in calorie.
Thanks everyone. I will apologise to her, for sure, because I do feel like a jerk for being a jerk. It is just so frustrating, because like I said in my original post, she has asked me SEVERAL times how I have lost it. I give her the same answer every time. Counting calories, moving a lot more, and a lot of prayer. (That is my standard quick version...I go into more detail if the person wants more detail). Each and every time she has asked me, I give her basically the same answer, and each and every time she kind of walks off as I'm telling her. I don't know if she thinks I'm going to slip up sometime and give her the super-duper secret version, (ha!) or what.
I guess I feel like (some) people don't think losing 190 pounds by diet and excercise alone is possible. Oh well...I need to get over it. It's a part of maintaince I guess I never realized existed. I've never known anyone in real life who has ever maintained a large weight loss, and I sometimes think other people (in real life) are just waiting, (and maybe secretly wanting) the weight to pile back on me.
I guess I feel like (some) people don't think losing 190 pounds by diet and excercise alone is possible. Oh well...I need to get over it. It's a part of maintaince I guess I never realized existed. I've never known anyone in real life who has ever maintained a large weight loss, and I sometimes think other people (in real life) are just waiting, (and maybe secretly wanting) the weight to pile back on me.
I was guilty of this same thing the other day... a friend of mine mentioned that her brother had lost 90 some pounds over the winter with phentermine and some sort of vitamin shots and an EXTREMELY low calorie range(700'ish??) that sounded WAY off the wall to me. I said something like "He'll never be able to keep that off".
I felt completely sorry. Maybe *I* couldn't... but who am I to say someone else couldn't?? I felt like a huge jerk.
I do not think you need to apologize. She made the first comment; then even after you gave a perfectly reasonable explanation (as if you NEED to explain!) that you ate ahead of time, she still pushed on.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lori Bell
Just because a person doesn't want to get healthy doesn't make ME the dummy for trying to maintain my weight loss. gurr.
Actually THAT would have been a great thing to say too, I think.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shmead
If it happens again in a church setting, I'd be tempted to say something like "I pray a whole lot, and I think that helps". This is actually a crabbier thing to say, because there's a clear implication that if she prayed harder, if she were more devout, maybe god would have helped her too, but it sounds like a humble, self-deprecating comment.
I felt like a huge jerk.
