[xtrisaratops]

I'm sure that least a few of you have noticed my absence from the forum over the several weeks, and I wanted to sort of address that.

Sometimes life has a way of kicking you down when you'd just finally gotten yourself back up where you wanted to be. Things were going smoothly, and then I got a phone call from my grandmother in the middle of the night. My grandfather, who will be 80 later this month, had a heart attack in the shower, which resulted in a fall, breaking his neck and his knee.

He was Care-Flighted to a bigger hospital, and he almost didn't survive the ride. After open-heart surgery and a Pace-Maker, they had to address the issue of the neck and knee injuries. Now, my grandmother had a botched knee replacement about 10 years ago, and isn't in the best health either. They are both very overweight, and have other health problems.

My grandmother couldn't really handle him by herself, so that left me to pick up some of the slack. Now, I love my grandfather dearly, but driving 35 miles one direction before having to turn around and drive 2 hours the OTHER direction to get to class 2 days a week really took a toll on me, as it would most people.

An addiction that I thought I had under control reared it's ugly head, and it was a battle to keep myself from just giving in and taking the easy way out. I can admit openly now that is has been 378 since my last line of cocaine.

On my one-year anniversary, I broke down and got a tattoo to commemorate where I've been over the past year. When I was in rehab, we were allowed to choose ONE song and only one song to listen to, and it was what they dubbed our rehab song. Mine was "Walk on Water or Drown" by Mayday Parade, and there is a line in the song that I now try to live by; "tell me goodnight and let it go."

Sometimes, we just have to put things to bed, tell them goodnight and let them go; whether it's forever or just until we're at a better place to address them, it's something I live by now. And those lyrics are now etched into my skin forever.

I'm sure some of you remember my post in which I was very down because I had the opportunity to go and see Mayday Parade live, but I backed down because I didn't want to be "the fat girl". On December 1st, I saw them live, and met the band afterwards. Showed them my tattoo, got autographs and pictures, hung out with them for over 2 hours, and it was something that will stick with me for a long time.

I've made a lot of decisions in the past month or so, one of the biggest being to put college on hold temporarily to pursue other avenues. Ever since I was little, I've wanted to be in the music industry, and now I feel like I need to pursue it while I have the chance. Whether it's PR or booking or just running a merch stand, it's what I feel like I NEED to do right now.

This isn't about a number or a size anymore; this is about life, the one I have now and the one I will have after all is said and done. I don't want to have the perfect body, I just want to be healthy and happy and comfortable in my own skin. I don't know how much weight I've put back on, and honestly, I don't really care to know. From this point forward, it's not about calories or carbs, not for the moment, at least. It's about better choices, about one meal being better than the last, about today being better than yesterday, and tomorrow being better than today.

Before, I was the same person trying to make changes; now, I'm a different, changed person who is starting life over again, with a clean slate and a clear head.

I'm not back because I need to be; I'm back because I want to be, and that's one of the things I think has changed the most. I'm back here because, even though I was only here a short time, I consider you guys my second family, and I look forward to and cherish all of the encouragement and help you beautiful people have to give.

I'm back because I want to do this, for myself, for my future husband who I haven't even met yet, for the children I always thought I never wanted but now have maybe changed my mind about.

I'm back because I want a better life, and I won't let anything stand in my way.

[rakel]

Welcome back Sara! It sounds like you've had a very rough time in your absence, but it looks like it has made you stronger and more aware of who you are and what you want to do, and that's okay. Sometimes we realize these things while we go through something physically or mentally challenging. Best of luck to you and I'm looking forward to seeing you around more often!

[JayEll]

Sara, I wondered where you went! My gosh, what a long strange trip it's been!

Welcome back, and I wish you great good fortune in your music pursuits!

Jay

[punchthekeys]

aww, i knew a few of the mayday parade kids when they were in a defining moment - they stayed at my house a couple times when they were touring. brooks, cabbage (i think his name was jeremy?) and derek are definitely good kids who worked hard to get their music out to the world! they also know how NOT to mess up a house, which is good.
i think a good way to get started in the music scene is to work at a local club - usually they don't have much to pay you, but you can offer to work the door or do merch for free. or also find out if any bands need a street team in your area - you can pass out flyers and you usually get free tickets to the shows or free CDs. just starting out that way can give you a good foot in the door in the music industry!
you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and i hope everything goes well for you! good luck on your journey!

[xtrisaratops]

I love Cabbage!

And Derek. I took pictures with all of them the other night. They're definitely amazingly sweet people. (And I can't forget Jake...he's always been my favorite, even though he wasn't very friendly the other night, cause he's sick and such)

Haha, the "local" music scene is rather non-existant. Rural West Texas really doesn't have much to offer in the way of local talent.

But I'm going to do what I can and start small. I've worked merch before, and I really loved talking to people, so I'm sure I can find something along those lines.

[shelby897]

Welcome back -- I hope your grandparents are doing well. You did an amazing job holding yourself together through such a trying time -- I hope your road goes smoother from now on Many, many people would have given into temptation during such a difficult time -- you should be very proud of yourself. And, I love the tattoo -- when I drop some serious weight, that's where I'm headed

[xtrisaratops]

I was going to wait until I lost some weight to get the tattoo, but it just felt like the right time. And I'm hoping my feet won't do too much in the way of shrinking during the process.

And my grandparents are doing about as well as can be expected. They're both tired, and it's just kinda day to day. But then again, aren't we all?

[Lovely]

There you are Sara! I have to admit you were posting frequently enough that when you stopped I was a little worried. (Hence the PM...)

I'm sorry to hear that now your grandfather is having problems. It's a lot on your shoulders.

I must say "WTG!" on your one-year anniversary. I can only imagine the struggle that must have been and continues to be for you. (And the tattoo came out very nice!)

I remember the post you made about not going to that concert, and after having this background, it made me even more sad. Never again. I'm so happy for you that you went to see them!!!!

Like you said, you are a new person now. You have chosen to be here, to make changes because you want to make them. To live your life instead of waiting for it to happen.

And if right now you want to enjoy selecting healthier things while becoming happier with yourself then all the more power to you!

And all the best to you in your new pursuits!!!! We only get to live this life once. Be proud to be taking advantage of it.

Welcome back.


PS - Your new picture is fantabulous! (How cute you are!)

[kasmin]

Welcome back Sara. Though I haven't been posting for so long, I have missed your posts. They sort of resonated with me. It sounds like you really have come through a turning point in your life. That's pretty awesome. You must be a very courageous person.

How horrible for your grandfather (and grandmother having to deal with that out of the blue). I'm glad he and she are doing OK now.

Anyways I hope you keep us posted on your foray into the music business. How exciting!

[xtrisaratops]

I wouldn't say that I'm courageous at all. If anything, it's more like the total opposite. But my battle with cocaine addiction taught me that the hardest things in life are the ones that change you the most, and mean the most. Things are scary right now, but I know they have to be done regardless of how terrified I am, and regardless of how uncertain things are.

Not much in life is easy, but some things are more satisfying than others.

Being healthy and good to myself is satisfying, even though it is far from simple or easy. That's just where I am right now, and as much as I'd like to be able to say I can plan this out and have a concrete game-plan, I'm just taking things day by day right now.

[GirlyGirlSebas]

Sara, I've missed you. So glad you decided to come back.
We all really need each other.

[Jen415]

Sara, welcome back.....I just have to say that your post ROCKS!!

Good luck to you!

[kimmieone]

Glad your back and much success in going after your dreams.

[mj5]

Sara--I am so glad you are back. You are an incredibly strong person. Congratulations on your anniversary and for your new outlook. I know you will be successful. Thank you for sharing, that couldn't have been easy.

I hope your grandparents continue to get stronger and healthier. They are lucky to have you.

I LOVE the tattoo!!!!!

[BerkshireGrl]

Sara,

I think you may want to consider writing for a music mag some day... Rolling Stone maybe? You've got talent with words