[Daki]

So, I'm a bridesmaid in a February wedding and the bride just broke the news to me last night that my emotionally abusive ex was invited out of politeness (We were all a big group of friends) and since he hasn't talked to her or the groom in months she thought that he wouldn't come. Well, it turns out he accepted the invitation.

I am a little spazzed out about this. See, we dated for 3 years and a few months after we broke up for the second time his close friend asked me out. I fully warned him what this would do to his friendship with my ex and he said he thought I was worth it. We kept the fact that we were dating a secret because we wanted to make sure it was going somewhere first. After our 3rd date we agreed we were definitely going somewhere and we needed to figure out how to tell my ex. Turns out he suspected it and confront us via text before we got to tell him. He FLIPPED out on us. Accusing us of only dating so he could get laid and I could get back at my ex (not that it was any of his business but we hadn't done anything more than a kiss and a hug). We NEEDED to get his PERMISSION before dating (Like he would have said yes /eye roll). And he called me all sorts of not nice things that would get censored here. He didn't want me anymore but he didn't want anyone else to have me either (He said those words).

Anyway. I'm still with my boyfriend. We've been dating for a year and a half and everything is absolutely amazing with us. He's simply the best. While I'm over my ex, I'm upset that he is going to be there. From what I've heard he's SO MUCH WORSE than when I dated him. I hear he's extremely depressed and his emotional abuse has turned physical and he's hopping to a new girl every month. So I'm worried he's going to start problems. When I knew him I knew that he would never do that but when I knew him he'd never do a lot of things he does now.

Has anyone else been in this sort of situation? Was it as awkward as I'm imagining? I know I need to stay far away from him and ignore him but I'm worried he's also going to try to horde time with my friends and my boyfriend and I will be sitting by ourselves. I've SO been looking forward to this wedding and now I'm dreading it.

I feel I'm being a baby about this but this guy ruined my life for YEARS. He broke my self esteem, he had me dependent on him, he took me away from my friends, he'd dictate when I could and couldn't go out, he'd scream in my face and call me awful names, he'd throw things just near enough to me to scare the sh-t out of me. Granted, I let these things happen to me, I should have left him years before I did. I'm still afraid of him, though. I'm upset I haven't gotten over my fear of him but I don't even know where to start for that.

I think.. that I really just needed to vent because I don't have very many people I can talk to about this. But if anyone has any advice I welcome it.

[MiZTaCCen]

I personally think you have every right to be p!ssed...he hasn't talked to them in month and you're in the wedding I'm going to guess because you're a good friend...so for them to invite your douche ex is pretty crappy IMO.

As much as he's ruined your life before though, I'd say go in there like you just don't care! You have an amazing boyfriend, I guess you have an amazing group of friends and you look wonderful. Maybe take a kick boxing class here and there just incase your ex acts up and boot F him into next tuesday. lol jk... Try and be civil towards him as hard as thats going to be. No need to have him ruin your night just because he decided to be there. He is who he is, and he's made you a better person out of what he's done to you.

Worse comes to worse, if he starts really acting up and you become completely uncomfortable just leave. It's your friends fault for inviting him to begin with and if they don't understand WHY you had to leave then they arent that great of friends.

Besides we all think the worse of situations we don't know. Maybe he'll be on his best behaviour and it won't be as bad as your imagining it right now!

[theCandEs]

Your ex sounds a lot like my SIL. Anyway, usually in these situations they will either be on their best behavior, or they will stare daggers at you all night and trash you to any of your friends who care to listen. That has been my experience. Usually, that just makes them look bad, but you never know who might be impressionable enough to believe him. I doubt he will say anything much to you directly, but you know better than I do as to what he might do. My guess is he is not going to the wedding to show happiness for the newly married couple, but to show his distaste for you. I would guess he will find some date he can show off, too, to make it seem like he has moved on. I would say, try to ignore him the best you can (I know that's hard!), and don't let him bring you down!

Hopefully, I am wrong, and everything will be just fine. Sometimes I can worry myself into a tizzy, and then everything goes just fine.

[Daki]

Originally Posted by MiZTaCCen

for them to invite your douche ex is pretty crappy IMO.

No need to have him ruin your night just because he decided to be there. He is who he is, and he's made you a better person out of what he's done to you.

Worse comes to worse, if he starts really acting up and you become completely uncomfortable just leave.

Maybe he'll be on his best behaviour and it won't be as bad as your imagining it right now!

You know, I really am disappointed he was invited at all. The bride and my boyfriend are best friends and she was really upset at how my ex treated us. I do know that she invited SEVERAL people that she didn't really want there as a polite gesture and a couple of them are actually coming. So I guess she's learned her lesson with that lol. She doesn't like excluding people even if she's got a good reason.

Yeah he really did make me a stronger person. I felt like I had to completely rebuild myself. Now he's falling apart and I'm stronger than ever with a partner who is my biggest fan. I suppose it does seem a little silly to worry with all that's going for me. And you're right, worst case I can just leave.

Originally Posted by theCandEs

usually in these situations they will either be on their best behavior, or they will stare daggers at you all night and trash you to any of your friends who care to listen.

My guess is he is not going to the wedding to show happiness for the newly married couple, but to show his distaste for you. I would guess he will find some date he can show off, too, to make it seem like he has moved on.

Sometimes I can worry myself into a tizzy, and then everything goes just fine.

Yeah, I'm hoping he just behaves himself or stares daggers. He can do that all he likes. I just don't want any passive aggressive BS or him approaching me. And it was also my thought that he had an ulterior motive for going. Be it trying to win our friends over again, or showing off a date, or whatever. I DEFINITELY worry myself into a tizzy and I'm pretty sure that's what I'm doing about this. I'm a worrier lol.

Thanks guys! You're making me feel better about this already =)

[MiZTaCCen]

Originally Posted by Daki

Yeah he really did make me a stronger person. I felt like I had to completely rebuild myself. Now he's falling apart and I'm stronger than ever with a partner who is my biggest fan. I suppose it does seem a little silly to worry with all that's going for me. And you're right, worst case I can just leave.

Thanks guys! You're making me feel better about this already =)

I know exactly how you feel when someone rips you apart completely and you have to start from scratch to find yourself and rebuild yourself but in the end I look back at it all and think..."it was worth it" at the time not so much, but the aftermath of it, always turns out for the best.

Also you're friend needs to work on not being a people pleaser! lol If it's my wedding and I don't want you there, I aint inviting you, not even out of a nice gesture haha.

Glad you're feeling a bit better about the whole thing!

[cherrypie]

You are happy and he isn't. If anything you are going to have way more fun at this wedding than he is.

[CrystalZ10]

Sounds like he's a hot mess and your pulled together....let him TRY to say anything to you and just give it back to him. I'm sure you've got plenty of ammo...
Just don't let him corner you or your boyfriend alone...just to be on the safe side..

Why can't the bride uninvite him?

[mammasita]

I think the bride was 100% wrong for even inviting him. WHO CARES about politeness considering she knew how he treated you and she is fully aware that you are now dating your ex's friend. I know this is probably not an option for you, but I would personally back out of the wedding. For me, its the principal of the matter.

I hope everything works out for you!

[Sunshine73]

Here's my take on it (and I've been in similar situations):

First, since the bride and groom are aware of the history, I would suggest that the groom talk to the ushers and/or groomsmen and ask them to keep an eye on the situation so that if he becomes obnoxious toward you they can quietly and discreetly redirect the situation.

Second, we always tend to think that these situations will be much worse than they actually are (at least this is true with me). You'll be busy with bridesmaid duty, wedding party stuff and most likely seated at the head table which means if he's going to be a jerk, he's most likely going to have to do so in front of a ton of people - in which case the groomsmen/ushers should be able to diffuse the situation.

Finally, go and enjoy yourself. This idiot doesn't deserve one more minute of your precious time or one half of a thought. You've moved on and are happy. If he's stuck in the past that's his problem. If he behaves like an idiot, that's on him. Just remind yourself how incredibly lucky you are that you don't have to put up with his crap anymore!

[EagleRiverDee]

Someone told me once, the best revenge is just to be happy.

Go to the wedding. Be happy. If he starts a scene over you and your boyfriend, that's his problem. Yeah, it'll be awkward. But it won't be your fault. Your friend invited him, out of politeness, obviously not fully thinking through what could happen if he said yes. He did say yes. So, if he causes a scene that puts a black spot on their wedding, that's really her fault. My opinion is that you should at least air out this possibility with your friend. They can either un-invite him, or at least check with him and tell him you WILL be there with your boyfriend and if he has a problem with that he needs to not come. That they won't tolerate any scenes. See what he says.

[astrophe]

Look, the marriage is about the union, not the party foo foo after.

Be in the wedding, honor your bride and groom pals. Then leave the party foo foo optional. If you are having fun, yay. Stay and have fun. If you aren't, do your goodbyes, leave and have fun elsewhere. It isn't your party, and you didn't invite the horrible guest. So you aren't obligated to stay there.

Let the ex worry about himself and his problems. If he makes a scene, I doubt it would be at the ceremony.

If he makes a butt of himself at the reception party, you can leave. You aren't STUCK there like you are as part of the bridal party in the ceremony.

Try relax and not worry about it. His issues are his issues -- it isn't about you.

A.

[bandit bear]

Originally Posted by Daki

I do know that she invited SEVERAL people that she didn't really want there as a polite gesture and a couple of them are actually coming. So I guess she's learned her lesson with that lol. She doesn't like excluding people even if she's got a good reason.

Honestly.... how horrible would it be for her to rescind the invitation? Or for her to talk to him and say that if he causes problems, he'll be asked to leave? You're a bridesmaid, you absolutely cannot leave if he starts acting up. You're an important part of the wedding, from before the start to afterwards. You don't want to miss anything. And for you to miss because of him isn't fair not only to you but to the bride.

So either the bride rescinds the invitation or she has a stern talking to with him.

[bandit bear]

Originally Posted by MiZTaCCen

Also you're friend needs to work on not being a people pleaser! lol If it's my wedding and I don't want you there, I aint inviting you, not even out of a nice gesture haha.

That's exactly how i was with my wedding. My dad does not get along with his brother and sister, so I didn't invite them. Luckily they live in Texas and we live in California. But I don't care if I hurt their feelings, they're bad people and would have ruined the night. My uncle is an argumentative prick and my aunt is (sadly) confined to a wheelchair due to her inability to stop drinking alcohol and smoking (she had a hip transplant and the hip replacement had to be removed due to infection due to her not taking care of herself), and all she does is argue too. And she'd have to have a caretaker come with her.

[bandit bear]

Originally Posted by astrophe

Be in the wedding, honor your bride and groom pals. Then leave the party foo foo optional. If you are having fun, yay. Stay and have fun. If you aren't, do your goodbyes, leave and have fun elsewhere. It isn't your party, and you didn't invite the horrible guest. So you aren't obligated to stay there.

Actually, the bridal party is a big part of the reception. They're introduced at lunch/dinner (depending on the time of the ceremony), sit at the head table with the bride and groom (or the wedding party table), usually give toasts, are a part of the bouquet toss and garter toss, are there for the cutting of the cake. Plus, the BMs also help the bride freshen up, and should also be in the pictures of the reception! Not to mention that the reception is the best part of the wedding. The ceremony is only about 30 minutes, depending. It might not be her party per say, but she's a part of it by being in the bridal party. If she was a mere guest, then that would be fine. But I would have been really upset if one of my bridesmaids left after the ceremony at my wedding. They're my friends and I want to celebrate with them!

[Sinoia]

I was in a relationship like that and understand all too well. That sort of emotional abuse is all about control and now you have your own control back so he is powerless, no matter what he may do at the wedding.

I know there is an historical, residual anxiety but you can set that aside.

Only you can know how vulnerable you feel and if you sat down and made a list on a scale of one to ten, one being that you do not go to the wedding at all, and ten being you go and he does not exist at all for you ... then you can decide on your course of action.