sometimes i think it is easy for us to say
I won't get myself clothes that look good and fit right and make me feel good because I want to lose weight
and i think that is absolutely the wrong way to approach it ..... whether it be a haircut, or a new pair of jeans that makes you feel like you look good at the size you are now.... sometimes that is enough to give us the kick start we need.... because if we don't we just sink further and further into the not feeling good, and being sad, and being depressed about it... and feeling ugly and overwhelmed....
s
Okay, I see your point about 'treating' one's self at any weight just to feel good. I believe I'm not as unattractive as I fear that my husband might think (he didn't say I am unattractive, but I think he's just being nice). Your take on this is throwing me a little, as I came to the 3fc forum because I want to lose 40 pounds, and am worried that I am even possibly flirting with middleaged health consequences. I wish to find cameraderie in letting the fat image go, not so much to embrace being fat. I agree with you that I am hiding in my fat image, and yet I am angry and frustrated about it obviously.... and well, going the other way towards accepting my mid-aged spread will not get the weight off. Maybe I just can't grasp the idea you are trying to convey.
i dont think that feeling good about yourself while you are losing weight is a bad thing.... and I am not in any way saying don't lose the weight.... there are many reasons to lose the weight.....
I dont think that
feeling good and losing weight are mutually exclusive
there is a thread in the exercise section I think or maybe its the clothes and shopping seciton that talks about buying great workout clothes because it helped the person feel good about working about..... thats my point....
feeling good about yourself and losing weight don't have to be two seperate things....
lose the weight for yourself..... because it is better for your health
because you will be able to do the things you enjoy doing ..... because you want to be able to shop wherever .....
and feel good about yourself at the same time.... and it is likely to be less overwhelming and less depressing....
and at the same time you may find that it is one step to feeling better about yourself and hubby...... while you are losing the weight
(oh and I am Deaf so sometimes I dont always exprss myself well in english)
What's our focus supposed to be now? I, too, picked fights. I think I wanted him to tell me what to do with the rest of my life. Or what he expected of me for the rest of his life. Or what he was planning to do so I could come along
We're learning that we can be happy along side each other. We don't have to be doing the same things. DH often says "I just want you there." I read while the ballgame is on. I can knit in front of the TV. I've been to one of his games and a tournament. I don't like ball but the social environment is fun for a change.
I can't change him, so talking about eating and exercise ... I do here.
If you can imagine that our lives are revolving wheels .... ours overlap a little. The best I can do is respect that overlap, try to make it pleasant. If I'm happy, the overlap time is much nicer.
My outlook is like a transparent overlay of DH's (or vice versa) enhancing or clouding. Never independent.
I'd like to make a profound summary statement but it's all too ephemeral, this happiness thing.
Jeepers SusanB, that was pretty darned close to being profound I think you were just a bit off on your "overlapping wheels" analogy though - sounds more to me like you guys have become more like the teeth on a set of gears - you circle around but always come back and mesh OK, sorry for the mush
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hermit Girl
I just don't care to be the shining physically obsessed trail queen of my 30's forever, I want to find other interests, more mentally involved interests. He seems so preoccupied with all the fitness interests, and I am more with quilting, spinning/knitting, and gardening.... and cooking. I have even gotten back into performing music, which was my life before I met him.
Okay, so we have different interests, that's okay, even healthy, but I feel suddenly divided and out of control and that the fat is destroying my marriage and all aspects of my life. I am thoroughly injuring myself with this weight > physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I just can't see living the rest of my life this way. I would love to drop 45 pounds just to please him, and myself, but he has so little ability to notice or communicate praise (his biggest shortcoming) , I adore him, I do not want to leave him, I just want to find the sweetspot in our lives that seems to be missing because of the weight. I can't seem to find incentive to lose this weight even to make myself happy at least. I don't find much friendship these days in his general disinterest about me, and so I go to the food, and cooking, and a couple of internet penpals, the isolation and loneliness grows and the disinterest grows. It has got to turn around. I keep waiting for the shift inside of me to happen, to become determined, so the weight loss can happen, but I guess I'm just depressed and feel like a nobody because of my husband's lack of spirit toward me, and surely need somebody to believe in me.
I am going to twist his words around in my head , I know it, hearing that he is 'repulsed' by me, although I know that I am probably projecting on to him the fact that I am repulsed by myself. This is sheer craziness.
Well goodness Hermit Girl, you are in quite a place there so we'll start with one of those s you needed.
I sure know what you mean about not caring to be the trail queen any more. When I was younger I went through a "thin" phase when I rode horses, and spent vacations backpacking, camping and fishing. Now that I'm in my 50s, the idea of sleeping in a tent and being poked in the butt by rocks all night has kind of lost it's appeal But, you know what, since I've gotten into better shape I've discovered that I really do still like the hiking part. I'm not up to scaling Everest or anything but I'm not as uninterested in the outdoors as I led myself to believe - goes to show you just never know.
I went through a similar patch with DH - we didn't build a house but we had a business together for almost 5 years. Then, right after 9/11, during that economic slump that followed we lost our 3 biggest (huge - 90% of our rather comfortable income came from these 3) clients in the space of about 2 weeks and, after a terrible struggle, had to close our doors. It was an amazingly stressful time where we spent almost 2 years after that losing everything and teetering on the brink of being out on the street. During that time, my self esteem went totally down the toilet and I spent (wasted really) a big chunk of my 40s sinking lower and lower until I barely had the energy to take a shower in the morning - I will have to admit there were some mornings when I didn't bother I was also getting fatter and fatter and wearing increasingly frumpy clothes. I felt like the ugliest, most unsexy thing walking the face of the earth. With that kind of attitude, it was no wonder DH wasn't terribly romantic toward me (and, poor guy, if he did make a tentative advance he got shut down). He also seemed totally out of touch with my feelings about being fat. I would mention that I was disgusted with myself and that evening he would come home with ice cream and chips ahoys I honestly began to feel that he was intentionally trying to keep me miserable. Of course, during all this, I was so buried in my own unhappiness that I wasn't able to see that he was hurting from having the business fail too. Mine was a financial security thing but his was a deeper pride thing that ended up being made worse because my depression was a constant reminder that, (in his mind) not only had he failed at business but he failed to make me happy. What he was seeing was that I appeared to be happy if I was stuffing my face with a chocolate chip cookie so, he brought me cookies to try and make me happy. Vicious circle.
I wish I could tell you what happened to make it change - If I knew for sure I'd bottle it and hand out free samples to 3FC members - but I do know it started with me. Instead of telling him how disgusted I was with myself (as though I was expecting him to fix it), I told him I was changing the way I ate. Period. I told him that I was going to be spending some time every day by myself working out. Period. We had a hiccup or two with him grumbling about the cost of olive oil, etc.; and he was pretty leery about the switch from Hamburger Helper to whole wheat pasta with fresh veggies and tomato sauce, but he got over it And he adapted pretty quickly to having 45 minutes to an hour of watching his ball games without having me ask "is it over yet"
Once I got rolling and started to see results, I started to feel better, started to pay attention to my hair and nails again, and started dressing like a girl again. And an amazing thing happened, DH started to tell me he was proud of me! He holds my hand when we go out somewhere - even just walking from the car to the grocery store - and puts his arm around me - even when we are at home alone. The other day I was putting dishes in the dishwasher and he came in and grabbed me for a dance around the kitchen After 18 years we're starting to act like newlyweds again. Can't wait to see what happens when I get to goal
I guess the moral to this saga is that once I decided I was totally responsible for my own happiness, suddenly we were much happier together.
So, don't just wait for that shift inside you to happen - you go ahead and make it happen. Start small but start. We'll be here at 3FC to believe in you. Don't wait for your hubby to make you feel like somebody, be somebody for yourself and watch your hubby's interest spark
I bet I know what you are thinking I know because back in January, I would have been reading something like this addressed to me and rolling my eyes thinking this person is totally unrealistic in her happy little world and has no clue what I'm going through. I would have been (was ) able to come up with at least a dozen excuses why all this positive hooey wasn't going to work for me. I actually tried the first suggestion I got from 3FC members more to prove to myself that "I was right, this doesn't work" than because I thought it would help but you know what happened - it actually started to work! It's not easy, but if you take little steps, before you know it you'll be making big leaps.
I think the advice you have been given is excellent. I would like to agree and offer....
1) Truly, the most attractice people I have every known are the ones who are joyful. It doesn't matter what their size is, people just seem to want to be around them because of how that person makes them feel. And attitudes can be changed more easily than waistbands. Pretend at first if you have too...but look for something to be joyful about right now and share it with your husband.
2) Something to consider....He may be dealing with some health issues,too. My lovely husband started doing many the things you noted and it turned out he was having thyroid problems and had high cholestrol...both of which can impact the sex drive. Other things can also impact it, too. You may not be the only who's body has been doing more changing than you like or want to admit.
3) I don't see a conflict with your wish to accept yourself, which I think is healthy, and your wish to be lighter...which I also think is healthy. You absolutely can accept the wonderful miracle you are as a person - there is no one else in the entire world like you and never will be again, and still want vitality and health. That is not simply vanity. You have a desire to enjoy life in all its facets. Don't be so hard on yourself.
4) I hope I don't sound overbearing or obnoxious here...I just know what I needed to do when I was in your place before I found some peace... How to get the shift thing going? I think you should forgive yourself for gaining the weight. You are in good company, and it is fixable. You are probably right that some of your weight might come off if you weren't as upset with yourself and your husband, but it may not all "melt away". And if it doesn't, that's okay too. A lot of times, weight that melts away quickly has a funny habit of coming back quickly. Who wants that?
Hang in there...You can overcome this, and you have a good source of support here. Do something small and playful today for you and your husband that has no other purpose than to make you laugh.
i dont think that feeling good about yourself while you are losing weight is a bad thing.... and I am not in any way saying don't lose the weight.... there are many reasons to lose the weight.....
I dont think that
feeling good and losing weight are mutually exclusive
there is a thread in the exercise section I think or maybe its the clothes and shopping seciton that talks about buying great workout clothes because it helped the person feel good about working about..... thats my point....
feeling good about yourself and losing weight don't have to be two seperate things....
lose the weight for yourself..... because it is better for your health
because you will be able to do the things you enjoy doing ..... because you want to be able to shop wherever .....
and feel good about yourself at the same time.... and it is likely to be less overwhelming and less depressing....
and at the same time you may find that it is one step to feeling better about yourself and hubby...... while you are losing the weight
(oh and I am Deaf so sometimes I dont always exprss myself well in english)
s
Okay, I totally get you. I appreciate all the support and ideas you've shared. Thanks so much !
Yes, I should get out of my BackWoods Lumberjack self image , wearing husbands shirts while hiking because I don't want to spend money buying fat clothes. Oy. I do shop in thrift stores weekly for rare finds, so I'm not all that bad. I actually lost 23 pounds two summers ago, but gained it back because I went into 'acceptance' mode too readily. It's a confusing state of being, when a person is trying both the acceptance and pushing for change at the same time.
I guess the moral to this saga is that once I decided I was totally responsible for my own happiness, suddenly we were much happier together.
So, don't just wait for that shift inside you to happen - you go ahead and make it happen. Start small but start. We'll be here at 3FC to believe in you. Don't wait for your hubby to make you feel like somebody, be somebody for yourself and watch your hubby's interest spark
YoYo ~ THANK YOU, this is *just what I needed to hear/read ! I think I just need to get it hammered through my skull that I *can* do it, that it *can* get better, and that I *can* make my husband notice me again... more like I *will*.
Last edited by Hermit Girl; 08-19-2008 at 06:11 PM.
YoYo ~ THANK YOU, this is *just what I needed to hear/read ! I think I just need to get it hammered through my skull that I *can* do it, that it *can* get better, and that I *can* make my husband notice me again... more like I *will*.
Hang in there...You can overcome this, and you have a good source of support here. Do something small and playful today for you and your husband that has no other purpose than to make you laugh.
Here's a hug....
Excellent post K8T, thank you! I think that yes, I have to forgive myself for gaining the weight. For some reason I mirror onto my husband that he is disappointed and it makes me hard to forgive myself. But, it *is* what it *is*... and I am human like the rest of the folks on this planet.
I will work on the attitude adjustment right away, stay positive, and even do something playful. LIke , I think I'll harness up the dog and go for another hike. Thanks a million
Last edited by Hermit Girl; 08-19-2008 at 06:26 PM.
I have made an observation about how I need a shift from within to happen so that the weight can come off. I figure I'm just too Zen in my middle age . I have grown away from vanity. This proposes a problem, as likely for many middleaged and mature women. My 'zen' is detachment from the weight. Vanity is at war with it. So against my mature nature, I have to get the vanity going, and ignore the zen. I know it's complex, but I think I've made a discovery about myself.
I don't think this is a bad thing. Like you, I have grown beyond the really petty vanity of my 20s. Thank heavens!! For me, I am realizing that I don't want to necessarily be "thin". I think that's unrealistic for me given my age/bone structure/etc... BUT... the weight is not healthy. I can already feel the stress on my joints (knees in particular), and I realize that I'm not doing myself any favors by staying large. For me, it's a question of loving myself enough to look after my health. It's not a question of vanity.
On another note, it sounds to me like there are a lot of issues in your marriage that may or may not have to do with weight. I have been married 18 years. We are overall pretty happy, but what we are today is completely different from what we were when we started out. We aren't crazed sex monkeys anymore, and that's ok, frankly. Both of us have grown and matured beyond what we were when we were younger. And that's ok too. I would say that we have not so much grown apart as grown parallel to each other in some ways, and closer in other ways.
Vanity isn't enough. Commit to yourself at a deep level.
Hopeful Dreamer ~ I appreciate your reply to that particular post of mine about the struggle between my acceptance and my vanity. I do have a difficult time with the vanity aspect. You're right about the health aspect being reason enough all on it's own, and though I am very fit and moderately obese (I climbed mt Whitney only 40 pounds ago) I have heredity cancer red flags that I must pay attention to.
Watching the Olympics last night, the women's running in particular, really tickled that old fitness vanity funny bone I have still. I was once really fit, though nothing like an olympic athlete, I was admired for my cycling ability amongst male friends even. I have to let that go.... or... am I just back into my Accepting the Forties Frumpy and my realm of possibility has shrunk to gratification about just having my body in tact, no disease, no missing parts, and no major aches. I mean, it's kind of an All or Nothing world I have lived in most of my life.
I know there is a middle ground somewhere in there and I am not in a rush to find it, yet after watching the Olympics, I felt the bar raised a bit. I am afraid of my grandiose thinking sabotaging, it has happened many times before. I have put way too much emphasis on what I percieve my husband to percieve me. It could be a psychological misformation since early childhood, about absent father figures, whatever,.... blah, blah, blah.... but who knows. All I know is that I have to STOP concerning myself with what I think my husband is thinking and have a real true committed friendship with myself. You wrote " Vanity isn't enough. Commit to yourself at a deep level. " and that resonates well with me. Thank you !
Still thinkinga bout what Hopeful Dreamer said about "vanity isn't enough , commit to yourself at a deep level". I have always struggled with commitment and discipline, I don't even know how deep that really feels. I don't know what it feels to be so secure in a decision that I *know* theres not a possibility for sabotage , doubt, or retrograde. I sure would like to know the trick to that.
Last edited by Hermit Girl; 08-20-2008 at 10:00 AM.
anyhooooo..... I'm glad you connected with what I wrote. I understand a little of that fitness vanity, but it doesn't seem to bother me like it used to.
Waaayyy back in the 80s, I actually did competitive powerlifting (NOT bodybuilding) but still, I was muscle-y and very fit. At that time, I weighed in the 150s, looked lean and strong. I was in high school and college at the time. In college, I gained 10 lbs and was mortified. Thought I was huge at 160.
Got married a few years later at 165, then another 5 lbs crept on before kids started arriving. Today, at over 200 (working on that) I weigh more than I did when I was 9 months pregnant with my first child.
When I was in college and 160, I thought I was gigantic. When I was married at 165 I was too busy to exercise and felt like an ugly frump. When I was 170, I felt as big as a house.
But... today when I look at the photos of those days, I don't see an ugly frump. I was really quite pretty and didn't look "fat" at all. How could I have thought so badly of myself? I realized then that perception is not necessarily reality.
Today, I realize that to try to get back down to my high school weight just ain't gonna happen, honey. It would be a vanity driven goal, and not a realistic one. Still, to lose 40 lbs would ease the load on my joints a lot, vanity or no.
This turned into a long ramble, but I hope you get my point. See yourself as the beautiful person you are. Love that person, and take care of her.
I think you were just a bit off on your "overlapping wheels" analogy though - sounds more to me like you guys have become more like the teeth on a set of gears - you circle around but always come back and mesh 
OK, sorry for the mush 
s you needed.
I honestly began to feel that he was intentionally trying to keep me miserable. Of course, during all this, I was so buried in my own unhappiness that I wasn't able to see that he was hurting from having the business fail too. Mine was a financial security thing but his was a deeper pride thing that ended up being made worse because my depression was a constant reminder that, (in his mind) not only had he failed at business but he failed to make me happy. What he was seeing was that I appeared to be happy if I was stuffing my face with a chocolate chip cookie so, he brought me cookies to try and make me happy. Vicious circle.
After 18 years we're starting to act like newlyweds again. Can't wait to see what happens when I get to goal 
I do shop in thrift stores weekly for rare finds, so I'm not all that bad. I actually lost 23 pounds two summers ago, but gained it back because I went into 'acceptance' mode too readily. It's a confusing state of being, when a person is trying both the acceptance and pushing for change at the same time.
Sounds like fun! Give your pup a pet for me.
For me, I am realizing that I don't want to necessarily be "thin". I think that's unrealistic for me given my age/bone structure/etc... BUT... the weight is not healthy. I can already feel the stress on my joints (knees in particular), and I realize that I'm not doing myself any favors by staying large. For me, it's a question of loving myself enough to look after my health. It's not a question of vanity. 