Hopefuldreamer ~ No that's not our cabin, just some internet picture, but it's cute, huh? I love the Foxfire life of the Appalachians, though don't live quite that rustic.
I know hindsight makes us much more wiser in the moment. If I could only be where I was when I first freaked out at 30yrs old, and lost 25 pounds ! I had no reference to know better. They say the body wants to gain past what was previous a high point, but I have this instinctive feeling it is mostly our brains that psychologically know what's safe and what isn't . For example. I weighed between 120 and 130 most of my late teens and at 26yrs I hit 130 lbs for the first time. Big diet time! You can bet I lost back down to 120 lbs (my absolute leanest maintanable weight ). THe years drift by and by 30yrs old, I'm up to 140 lbs. Sh*t hits the fan and I'm on a big diet again, and lose down to 120 lbs. But, this time, at 40yrs old, I hit 140 lbs and my brain knows that I didn't die before at that weight, even though I was upset the first time, and so I got a little too comfortable in the acceptance mode. At 44 I hit 175lbs for a day, freaked out, got incentive to lose 23... got too comfortable... slowly gained back. Now at 46yrs I have weigh 175 lbs again for most of the year.
I have a photo of me at 140 looking quite nice, and my best photo ever taken I was 130, and, I'm sure if I gained 50 more pounds I would think the photos of me now at 175 weren't all so bad. Essentially, I have made myself a learning curve that gaining weight is safe enough, nobody gets hurt. The weight comes on easier , in greater amounts, and it goes off with more a lot more effort. I think most of it is in the brain, is what I'm saying. Down to the brain's instructions to the body to store the fat. I dunno, I may be out on a limb, and certainly on a tangent, but it just makes me get perspective about how this weight gain thing works. Perception, it's all perception.
Now, to get ourselves to outsmart our own perception, with logic, is a real trick ! I think perception is emotional whereas logic is cold and unemotional. Logic does not usually motivate me to do anything, while perception rules my universe. I must gather the nice photographs and warm associations I had when I was in a productive and determined mindset, and try to emulate the life environment at those good proactive times, and avoid getting into depression and nibbling on piles of toast with gobs of butter. Now who's rambled
Thanks ~ !!!
Last edited by Hermit Girl; 08-21-2008 at 10:37 AM.
Hopefuldreamer ~ Oh, I thought I'd mention to you maybe to try a chondroiton and glucosamine supplement for your joints. I have been taking Emergen"C" Joint Health (with 1000 mg vitamin c, 500 mg glucosamine, and 400 mg of chondroitin) , for about 4 months now, and swear I feel a difference. I hike most days with doggo, and my hips and especially feet go through tough times at this weight.
Last edited by Hermit Girl; 08-21-2008 at 10:56 AM.
By all the posts you can see you are not alone on this
Hermitgirl:
First off here is a hug
woow I have read all the posts and there is some really good advice even your own. I would add not that i am an expert...you said your husband wasn't a talker. Most of them aren't unless it is about sports, cars, sex and food he he. Seriously though have you tried to talk to him about your feelings? How it makes you feel when he stays up all the time and you don't go to bed together. Ask him if just maybe 2 or 3 times a week that you go to bed together. That you miss that. All my friends who have been married for years will always said to me communication is a key to a good marraige.
You did not mention if you have a TV in the bedroom. We do and it helps us both fall asleep together. This way you two can be together even if it isn't always quality time. If the TV bothers you, put in earplugs or get him wireless headsets . It works for us and some of our friends. Of course there are always times when we don't go to bed at the same time or we want to watch different shows and that is okay.
Girl I would love to be 175 lbs. to me that isn't alot of weight but then again I am 5' 6".
You sound alot like the old me always helping others but neglecting my own needs. I don't do that anymore, not that I am not there for my firends and family I am but I also make sure I take care of me, fulfill my needs. Go out and buy yourself something nice. You deserve it! Celebrate you!
One other thing, it's impotant to love yourself and do this for you and nobody else otherwise it won't work. I was in denial for along time about my weight and then when I finally did try it wasn't working at first but now it is working and I am doing it for me, for my health and my poor knees (abused them too much when i was younger) they can't take all the weight I have put on and they are letting me know. My husband will just get the added benefits!
Hang in there lady and know we are in this together and your TFC girls are there for you.
Yes, communication must happen, and though I communicate *often* it seems as if my DH just either doesn't allow much of it to affect him, out of principles and stubborness, or, he doesn't remember. I can never really know. I am just not going to beg him anymore to change for me. He must be who He Is, and I must be who I Am, and whatever happens , will happen. I know how horribly obsessive I have potential to be, and I just don't want to go there. The book of Tolstoy's , "Anna Karenina" comes to mind... oy.
So far I am just trying to think of other things to do to occupy my time/passion/interest. I've gotten into quilting, I am playing music again in a band, I have a garden, a spirited young German Shepherd dog, a spinning wheel and pounds of fleece to spin and things to knit, and a beautiful mountain home that DH and I built together (really built ourselves !) . It's just got to be that I stop needling him for attention and affection. It could be that I am assuming he is disinterested, then out of bitterness , push him into disinterest. A very yucky place to be stuck. You can't ask someone to want to be with you, or to be attracted to you, or to love you. All these things that we use to have, I must just work on myself ~ physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually~ and if the romance and attraction comes back, then great. If not, well, we'll see what I can get going to replace it in life. The prospect of playing out in a band is really fun and a big incentive to commit to myself with the weight. I just hope that soon I will stop obsessing over the Good Old Days with DH, and let Now and Future happen without a lot of complaining on my part.
How does that sound? THere's a saying "If you love someone , let them go" and in a way, that's what I must do with DH in order to salvage my self esteem. There's no way he is going to be attracted to me when I act angry and hurt all the time that he's not. It's a vicious cycle I need to extract myself from. I need to stop looking to him for approval, and start some serious inner self respect, and turn my weight problem around. I know the answers, just implementing them is the trick. JUst like you say, when the changes in weight start to happen, everything is going to get better. Thanks a whole lot !
Last edited by Hermit Girl; 08-25-2008 at 10:17 AM.
I already see a change in your feelings and thoughts since the start of these posts. Looks like you got it under control and have a great outlook on this whole situtation. I can tell you are a fighter and survivor and no matter what happens you will get through this. of course we are always here for support.
What kind of band are you playing in? I always wanted to be a singer. I do karaoke once and awhile and people tell me I have a great voice but now I think I am to old to do anything about it. For one I don't have the time and I am scared to be in front of a big audience. Thought about auditioning for Don't forget the Lyrics cause it might give me that moment of stardom plus I know alot of songs. I always play online and get through the whole thing. I've got the Application but it is way too long and complicated right now for me to think about...first things first. Let's focus on the weight issue and all other things will follow. I think that will be my motto for now. I'm rambling...I'll stop now.
Klmetz~ Actually, I don't have near as much confidence in reality as I may appear in writing, as I write from a more cerebral place. I think I started this thread in a real depression mode, so I can admit, the mood changes everything in the way of outlook and approach.
I play mandolin in a celtic-bluegrass fusion band, really just starting to sit in with them now. I don't have the guts to sing.
celtic-bluegrass fusion band...how interesting. I love celtic music and some bluegrass. Never thought about the two together. Have you ever seen the Celtic Woman shows. I have gone to two shows and watch them on PBS al the time and have their CD's. Listening to them is like being in another world.
Hi all! I'm brand, spanking new to 3FC, so I hope it's ok to just drop into the conversation. And what a great conversation it is; so much great stuff to consider.
Quote:
Yes, communication must happen, and though I communicate *often* it seems as if my DH just either doesn't allow much of it to affect him, out of principles and stubborness, or, he doesn't remember. I can never really know. I am just not going to beg him anymore to change for me. He must be who He Is, and I must be who I Am, and whatever happens , will happen. I know how horribly obsessive I have potential to be, and I just don't want to go there. The book of Tolstoy's , "Anna Karenina" comes to mind... oy.
Reading through all your posts brought one thing to mind: I believe that some men are just hard-wired differently. I want, sometimes need to talk about things, while my husband is pretty laid back and usually just goes with the flow. So, I may sometimes perceive that there's an issue that he's not paying attention to, when in fact, he never even noticed the issue. I've also learned that he's content to do his own thing, unless I make a point of saying/asking otherwise. For example, he would golf 24/7, if work, the kids, and/or I didn't tell him otherwise. Used to be, I took his inclination to always golf as a lack of interest in me and it really hurt. Turns out, he's open to doing anything/everything else I plan, he just doesn't think to take the initiative to plan it himself.
It's also his nature to be less expressive than I. So, after I tell him how proud I am that he's gone for his evening run after working all day, I pause while he says nothing, then I add, "And I know you're proud of me for getting in my evening walk today when I really didn't want to go!" Then, he falls all over himself to congratulate me, both of us knowing he'll forget to give me kudos after tomorrow's walk. While he may not say it all the time, I know he's proud and supportive because he's out there with me every evening. I guess my point is, you may not be able to change your husband, but you can change the way you respond to him. It took me a long time to not always feel slighted, but I think the turning point was when I accepted that, chunky or not, I'm a good person, good wife, and good mom and I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. You are too!!
Wow, I'm pretty chatty for a newbie - sorry about that! I'm just really happy to have found this place.
>>> I guess my point is, you may not be able to change your husband, but you can change the way you respond to him. It took me a long time to not always feel slighted, but I think the turning point was when I accepted that, chunky or not, I'm a good person, good wife, and good mom and I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others.
Perfect ! Thank you so much, I really related to what you have to say.
Thought I'd toss in a few thoughts on the husband topic. I understand!! It's really rare to find a man who is a good communicator, and even more rare is one who is in touch with his own feelings. It's (in part) just a biology thing. Their brains are just wired up differently than ours. But it's also a cultural thing. I see my sons starting to put up the masculine wall (tough exterior) to the world. We've talked about it, and I've encouraged them to stay open to each other. The world expects men to be tough, and the competition between males makes it difficult for them to admit any weakness.
Anyhow... husbands!!! Yikes. I've been married for nearly 19 years, still going strong. But... he is not my whole world. I have friends independent of him (like the group here), and have travelled without him (and he without me). I have projects and interests that he is not a part of, and he has his own interests too. We share 3 wonderful kids and a darn good marriage at least in part because we are whole individuals first and a couple second.
I think you should cultivate yourself. Your interests, your dreams. Then share that with him. Be open, but don't expect a lot of girlfriend-like support from him. Come to your girlfriends for that!!
. It works for us and some of our friends. Of course there are always times when we don't go to bed at the same time or we want to watch different shows and that is okay. 
