I am sorry I have not been keeping up. I have been busy trying to get a few things done. I have been writing a little bit too and I was considering a lot of serious things. The ideas and feelings that it brought up were helpful to me, so I hope they might be helpful to you girls too.
I have been doing a lot of thinking. I think a lot. I think sometimes I do it a little too much. However, lately it’s been put to good use. I have been considering what exactly I want from life, and why I do not have it already. I realize that a lot of what keeps me from attaining the goals that I want is an eating disorder. It has taken me a long time to admit to myself that it is serious and it is an eating disorder. Attaining a weight of 464 pounds takes more than just a passing problem with food. But, then I considered something else. Attaining a weight of 464 pounds takes more than even a dangerous problem with food.
I then considered what exactly makes someone try to eat themselves to death. I realized that there were more reasons than I can count. But mostly it just came down to feeling alone, and feeling like I had no real value to other people. Now personally I’ve never had a problem with inner value. Which has made it difficult for me to see that I had a problem with self esteem. I always knew that I was smart. I always knew that I was talented. I always knew that I could do pretty darn good. But I never considered that I could be fabulous. Not just a little bit, but a lot. The reason I never thought I could be fabulous is pretty silly, I just plain didn’t think anyone else would ever see in me what I had a pretty good idea was there. That is the core of my eating disorder. I don’t believe ANYONE will ever really see me, and even if they say they do, and they say they like what they see, I don’t believe them. Why? I couldn’t tell you.
So this brought me right back to what do I really want from life? I want people to see me.
Now if I cant even see me, who can? I have so much flesh wrapped around my soul, screaming “DON’T LOOK!”, that no one can see anything but my sickness. They call it different things. Some feel sorry for me. Some just snicker. Some may not even really think about it. Maybe some couldn’t care less either way. But even they don’t see me, because I am too busy getting them to look at anything else. Anything at all, just please don’t peer inside because what I really am may be there.
It doesn’t make any sense. I know that now, which is a good thing. I realize being what I want to be is the only thing that will get me where I want to go. When you finally get a glimpse of real life after living in a husk for ten years, food just doesn’t seem as delicious.
Sorry I haven't posted a while. I don't have a computer at home and I don't always have time to post from work.
I lost another 3.5 lbs last week so I've lost a total of 32 since 1/12/04. Yippee! I'm still very motivated, more so each day and things couldn't be going better on the weight loss front. I can't believe that I'm actually doing it. It's nice that people are starting to notice too. Maybe this is actually the time that it's going to work and I'll be a normal weight again after 19 years!
Blue, very insiteful comments above. You're young and it's great that you've realized this at your age. I'm almost 38 and I think I'm just now starting to realize the reasons I've let myself get to the 350 I was when I started this.
Wow...some great introspection there, young lady. Put those talents to work for yourself, you have so much to offer the world. Make your goal getting healthy. And hold your head up high, you have nothing to prove to anyone else, do this for yourself. You are truly worth it.
Gah, I'm feeling discouraged because the scale still says "error" whenever I step on it..which means I must have gained way more weigh than I thought since I moved into this house. When I first moved here (in August) it weighed me in perfectly....It's so annoying i feel like im doing it all for no reason...sometimes i wonder if it's actually impossible for some people to lose weight
Hmm, not sure that I have much to say tonight. It was a stressful day at work -but I did not do any stress eating for a change! to myself!
DH bought me the Dr. Phil food guide at Sam's for $5 about two weeks ago. I haven't had time to go through it but do want to for ideas.
I agree that he is annoyng. I don't buy that crap about him not doing the WL stuff for money. If not, then why have all the products on the market? And why would his son have a book for teens? Its all about the money. Having said all of that....I do believe that what he says makes sense. It isn't about gimmicks. It is about being healthy. It is about focusing on the emotional or whatever factors behind the weight because it is true that if we don't fix those things, we won't be successful for life. Not very many programs focus on fixing the whys. Who doesn't have emotional baggage?
I've spent the evening working on the checkbook balance since DH wrote a couple of big checks this afternoon. He paid the sales tax and registration on the new boat and then snagged the last boat slip at the marina for a decent price. Since I wasn't available at work, he made an executive decision to pay for it. Glad I still had the income tax refund sitting in the checking! I will give DH credit because he made the finance manager at the boat dealership change the bill of sale on the new boat to reflect the sale of the old boat. It reduced the taxable amount and saved us enough to pay for the slip for the summer. That's his old car salesman coming through because I never would have caught it.
Okay, I have been on the computer all evening. I am headed off to read a magazine and then to bed.
Hi Everyone!
I am so tired and should probably go to bed, but I wanted to stop in here for a bit first. My mind is somewhat in other places these days. You know DH and I have been through numerous appointments and we've both had surgeries lately...things are now really happening with our fertility treatment. I have an appt. tomorrow morning for another test and a consult. I also am receiving all my medications tomorrow and within the next few days will start daily injections to get my body ready for all this. It is very difficult to think of anything else! Although my healthy lifestyle goes hand in hand with it -- I have to continue to take care of my body so that I can hopefully become pregnant and maintain a pregnancy. I have to take it one step at a time. My Doc said the weight I've lost will only help my chances of success. The only weight complication he has mentioned is that sometimes when overweight women take fertility drugs their ovaries and "fly up" (yes, his words) out of the pelvic area making them difficult to get to. However, he mentioned that one patient that this happened to still ended up getting pregnant. So far they have had no problems finding my ovaries on ultrasounds so hopefully this won't be a problem. I am just trying with all my might to stay positive.
I am considering acupuncture. Has anyone done this? Research shows it improves IVF success rates. Also it's touted as being so relaxing and that's what I need. It's one of the many questions on my list to ask my Dr. tomorrow. I think I am also going to schedule a massage next week. I have a gift certificate from Christmas that I have been saving for the right time - I think that is now!
Hmmm, what else is going on? .... My dad's been having problems since his surgery in Jan. to remove his bladder. He is emotionally drained and having some physical problems. The good news is he went to the Dr. today and they have found the physical problem - something about water retention causing problems in his bowels. Luckily they should be able to improve the prob with meds and if that is corrected his emotional state should come back to normal.
Well, I think that's it for me tonight. Please forgive me for skipping personal replies. I have read everything and am thinking about all of you!
Love Ya!
Barb
P.S. I realize that my posts lately are less and less about weight loss support and more about personal support, and I hope that's not a problem. I view you women all as close friends and I hope you don't mind that I use you for all kinds of support, not just weight. And, you know that I am here for each and everyone of you for any support you need.
Gee I am soooo tired I was not going to reply at all tonight...but Barb... I have had acupuncture for my back. I had probably 20-30 needles in me. It did not hurt at all. You can feel them... but not painful at all. I am a HUGE SISSY when it comes to pain. LOL. I don't know if that helps at all with what you wanted to know... since it had nothing to do with pregnancy.
Hope your dad is better soon.
I am not ignoring the rest of you... I am just really tired. Barb just happend to be the last poster and happened to have a topic I could hopefully help in.
Sorry I've just been lurking and not posting. I've been really out of it the past week. I tried a new anti depressant cuz the Prozac caused a lack of libido, which hasn't been a problem with my DH gone the last year, but was a problem before he left and didn't want it to be a problem when he got home. Well, the new one did NOT work. In fact, it did just the opposite. I've been more depressed than I've been in years. I have NO motivation. All I want to do is lie down all the time. My house is a wreck. I went back to the doc yesterday and said PLEASE give me back my Prozac. So I'm starting back on it today and hopefully there will be an improvement soon. I don't have any reason to be depressed. Everything in my life is going pretty well. I just bought a brand new car, my DH is coming home in 4 weeks, kids are doing great in school, but for some reason nothing makes me happy and I feel like everything sucks. Oh please hurry up and work Prozac.
As for the weight battle, as I said, no motivation so no exercise, but weight is holding steady. No gains, no losses.
Anyhoo, I can't catch up on replies right now. Just checking in. I'll talk at ya'll later,
Jen
Lucky... you are sooo funny. Yes... even Dr Phil could post here himself. In fact.. I hope you share his wisdom and "tell it like it is" attitude here. I tend to live more by "Honesty without compassion is brutality".
Sometimes I think I tend to be TOO compassionate and not enough honesty.
Jen.... Oh how I feel for you. {{{ HUGS }}} I have been there... depression.
Fortunately mine is usually temporary and tends to come when my period "should be" .. but it can be sooooooooo debilitating. I am suppose to take pills to force my body into having periods... but those pills almost cause me to be almost suicidal so I quit taking them. A case of the cure causing the illness.
There are many anti-depressants... could you try one of the others.??
Don't give up on just one.
It is Thankful Thursday ...
I am thankful for the wonderful group of people in this forum.
I am thankful for what health I have left. LOL
I am thankful for my husband.
I am thankful for my home.
I am thankful for April 23-25.
SPRING FLING here we come !!!!
Last edited by 2cute2Bfat; 03-25-2004 at 09:43 AM.
Well, I made it till about 2:00 on Dr. Phil yesterday, I cant do it. I feel like a addict, theres no way I can eat such simple lacking of taste food.......on to another plan? I am thinking about just writting down everything, trying to stay between 1200-1500 cals, trying to make it mostly clean protien, complex carbs...but not lose my mind over it. I think bottom line, cals are the biggie.
Blue, I feel for you, I admire your way of looking deeper.
babysteps that is the way i am doing it. i had a nutritionist from the diabetes clinic to prepare my mealplan. i watch my calories, keep them under 1800, lowfat and i watch my carbs and even with having diabetes i still eat over 150 gr. of carbs a day. i couldn't go on a diet i had to make a lifestyle change. healthy eating is the best way to go. the only things that i really cut out of my way of eating were soft drinks, and most anything sweet. concerning the sweets, if i really feel that i have to have something sweet, i have it, but only in moderation. these things work for me. i guess everyone has to really find what works for them. my fingers are crossed for you to find that solution, but don't give up, because there is a solution out there just for you.
Audrey you are doing great. I was going to search the internet for a diabetic diet. I have some relatives that have it and they are visiting this summer so I wanted to see what to feed them plus I figure it would be good for me to eat that way too!
Blue I really relate to your "feeling alone" and "I don't believe anyone sees me". I am way older than you and have no idea where all of my feelings are coming from but I do seem to make small steps towards figuring it all out. I do know I have to fix my internal self but Oh ! - it is work!!!!
Way to go Ingrid - 32 lbs since 01/12/04 is TERRIFIC.
Thanks so much for encouraging words regarding my weight loss. I think the positive feedback I get from my friends/family and from my internet friends really makes a big difference.
I whole heartedly agree with what Chequitagirl said, everyone has to find their own form of diet and exercise that works for them. I know what I'm doing wouldn't work for everyone. I'm being really strict and I'm not even allowing myself any treats etc. I'm a person that's all or nothing though, in my dieting life and also in the rest of my life. I know that about myself and I know that eating foods that I should won't be just one. It's what I call the potato chip or peanut theory. You can't have just one. I'm that way about every food I like that's not on my "diet" plan. I'm much better staying away from those things completely than having even one. I know other people have an off switch though and can do things in moderation. I think we all need to search around until we find the plan that click with us and works.
I haven't talked much about my personal life but I'm lonely. I haven't been in a "real" relationship in a long time. I haven't even dated in 5+ years. I have a man from my past who was my "roommate" (although he slept in my room at least 4 nights a week, lol) that I "see" (I'm sure you know what I mean by see) but I haven't "seen" him since July. He called 5 times yesterday while I was at work, wanting to see me. He's not someone that would ever want me as a girlfriend because he wouldn't want to be seen with someone as fat as me. (He's never said that but I know him well enough to know that's how he feels). Why do I continue to see him is my question? I know being my weight that not many men are interested in me and I guess I feel like I need to take whatever I can get. I grew up with parents who told my brother and I continually that we were fat and because of that no one would ever love us and we'd never amount to anything. I think after hearing it for so many years that even though as an adult you realize it's not true, you still have lingering fears of what if it is and what if no one can see how great I am because they only see how fat I am?
Even though I don't really know anyone yet, I'm glad to have a place where I can see this stuff outloud and know that there might be someone here who can relate.
to myself!
Barb just happend to be the last poster and happened to have a topic I could hopefully help in.
