Gosh, there are so many possibilities as far as factors but, honestly, I think an awful lot of it has to do with fear - fear of commitment, fear of change, and biggest of all: fear of failure.
I see SO MUCH truth in all you've shared (not just the quoted part above) .
I think unless you're talking about yourself, then where someone else is on the journey isn't really something you can give much thought. It's natural to be curious about other people's progress or lack of it, but ultimately everyone is on a different path, and you have to accept that a person is where they are for whatever reasons (most of which you will never know).
You said you're not talking about people with medical conditions or other issues, but about choices. The fact of the matter is that most of us will never know (often even for ourselves) how much of the equation is choice-driven and how much is situation-driven. It's never 100% one over the other, but a mixture and no one knows their own mix, let alone someone else's.
Some people talk and think about change and never do anything about it. Some of these people will live happy lives despite this, some will be miserable, but that kind of misery may be it's own choice. In a nutshell, I think "so what?" I think it's inappropriate to assume that someone who isn't changing, doesn't want to (or likewise to assume that they do want to, but can't). You can't pigeon-hole people like that (well you can, but most of the time, you would be wrong).
I ponder many things. this is one of them. It is of interest to me because I have been dealing with weight related issues for as long as I can remember.
I don't assume anything about anyone else. Do I wonder, muse, ponder, question? Yes. It helps me understand the world around me and thereby, even myself a little more.
I feared that my even ASKING questions about this topic may offend some. I am sorry if you are one of them.
Ultimately, I believe it comes down to mental energy. It takes mental energy to consistently make the right choices in eating and exercising behaviours that lead to achieving and maintaining a healthy weight. We may want to be there, or on the road to getting there, but we aren't all equipped the same mentally/emotionally and sometimes we just don't have what it takes to get us there at that point in time.
It takes focus, vigilance and diligence, that is for certain.
It is EASIER for me to make all the choices I make everyday to live as a thin person because I enjoy being thin more than I enjoyed eating whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I am able to make tough decisions now (turning down cake at work, ordering something healthy at a restaurant, packing my lunches) because I can now see the positive benefits of those choices.
Once again, sorry for writing so much. I do think about this sometimes - why I was never able to succeed for 20 years and what was so all-fired special about that day in July 2004 when I just knew what to do and that I could do it. It's like I grabbed an electric fence - I was nearly electrified with purpose. I did know, on that day, that I would be able to make changes to be thin, that I could give up pastries, that I would love sweet potatoes, that I could pack lunches and cook healthy dinners and food journal and be accountable. Sometimes, I feel like a little miracle happened to me, I have no idea what I did to deserve it.
I am glad you've shared as you have. Please, never apologize for sharing!!!
I think unless you're talking about yourself, then where someone else is on the journey isn't really something you can give much thought. It's natural to be curious about other people's progress or lack of it, but ultimately everyone is on a different path, and you have to accept that a person is where they are for whatever reasons (most of which you will never know).
I don't think Bliss is trying to be critical or judgemental about other people's challenges. I think this question is just an attempt to try and understand some things that are outside her personal experience. Sometimes, by gaining a little insight into other's experiences, we can actually learn to understand ourselves better. More like "walking a mile in the other person's shoes" than just being nosey
I'm really glad this question was asked. I thought about it all evening and this morning while working out.
All I've ever known in my life is misery about my weight. It started at age 6 with my unhealthy, food-pushing parents. Granted, I don't want to play the parent card and blame them, but a 6 year old child that's obviously getting heavy needs some kind of help and seeing your family gorging isn't a good example. Then through my teens I tried desperately to lose, but that's when the yo-yo began.
At 18 I reached 108. Losing that weight was the biggest rush of my life. Unsustainable and I was horribly unhealthy, but getting there was a trip. Then at 23 after a car wreck, I hit 210. That was rock bottom and it was time to get on the journey again. I started off doing it right, but ended up triggered back into bad behavior and got to the high 120s. Once again, in a way really hard to maintain.
I know how to lose weight slowly, effectively, and without a lot of hardship. I've done it. But I know there's something in me that loves the torture. So I sabotage myself to gain, to be heavy, to be miserable over that so I can through it all again. It's all I've ever known. I'm either losing or gaining.
So I really think, in regards to "not wanting to lose weight," that's where I'm at. My weight struggle takes precedence over relationships (keeps me pushing away at those), work struggles, finances, everything. It's a safe thing to worry about.
Thank you for asking this question because in light of realizing this, maybe I can do something about it.
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I do think about this sometimes - why I was never able to succeed for 20 years and what was so all-fired special about that day in July 2004 when I just knew what to do and that I could do it. It's like I grabbed an electric fence - I was nearly electrified with purpose. I did know, on that day, that I would be able to make changes to be thin, that I could give up pastries, that I would love sweet potatoes, that I could pack lunches and cook healthy dinners and food journal and be accountable. Sometimes, I feel like a little miracle happened to me, I have no idea what I did to deserve it.
I swear, it's so darn spooky. We have sooo many of the same thoughts and experiences. The only thing that I would change here is the date, mine being September 2006. I truly feel as if I was blessed or something, that a true miracle happened. I knew, I just really, really knew that my misery was soon about to end after 20+ years. Majority of the entire post resembles my own experiences and feelings as well. Spooky, I tell you.
Last edited by rockinrobin; 04-16-2008 at 11:14 AM.
I wasn't offended, or trying to say it's an inappropriate question, just that it's a question that really should be one of pondering rather than judgement. Not that that was the original intention, but it's a very common intention when such questions are raised.
I think it's a great question to talk about it in the abstract, but could be very damaging when directed at specific persons, especially if there's even a shred of judgement attached. "Are you ready," is a great question to ask yourself whenever you want to make changes, and might be an appropriate question to ask someone you're close to, if done nonjudgementally. Anything beyond that treads into dangerous waters.
But even as a question to ponder; is an answer possible? I really don't think so. I think "what it means," when a person voices wanting change, but not doing anything about it, is going to vary from person to person so tremendously that it can only (maybe) be determined for yourself. That's what I meant in my post. We probably will never understand someone else's situation enough to have a clue. Finding out for ourselves is miracle enough.
And when we do figure it out for ourselves, it is SO empowering. This isn't just applicable to weight loss. I know that for myself, trying to change something about my behaviour without figuring out why I do it in the first place just doesn't work. I guess I'm more Jung than Skinner.
SoulBliss, I often find myself observing human behaviour and saying to myself "Wow, I wonder what life events led that person to this point in time" We're such complex, interesting creatures, and I am a curious person...
"If you keep saying you want to lose weight, but your CHOICES consistently say otherwise, what does that really mean?"
I've been thinking about this off and on all day today, trying to think of how to say exactly what I'm feeling.
I think it's a little bit like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - there's a big computer to figure out the answer to universe and the answer is 42! And the people that built the computer have the ANSWER but now they realize they don't have the QUESTION.
When I wanted to lose weight, I knew I wanted to LOSE WEIGHT but I didn't really know how. A lot of times, I thought I did. What I ended up doing was setting up choices that were really really hard.
Like for breakfast - choice: venti latte + scone or tiny bowl of rice krispies. Looks like a pretty simple choice. One makes me fat, one makes me thin. But, I actually was setting myself up for failure - for ME, Rice Krispies aren't filling, they don't provide a lot of nutritional benefit and they set me up for a carb crash (which I was completely clueless about at the time). So, this choice became harder and harder for me to make - since Rice Krispies didn't make me happy emotionally (tastes good/look forward to it) or physically (practically a nutritional black hole).
Now, my choice looks like this: venti latte + scone or 1/2 cup pumpkin flax granola with small cup of fat free greek yogurt with honey. This choice is MUCH easier - I *LIKE* granola and yogurt, it's good for me, keeps me full and is full of nutrients that makes my body happy. I set myself up for success with this choice, not failure.
So...I always wanted to LOSE WEIGHT but it took me a long time to figure out how to create healthy choices that my body could stick to. I am not perfect every time but I am ultimately very consistent. The food I eat makes me happy emotionally and physically, and that is a huge component for me.
Our bosses would always say this in "cubicle land," but I think it's a rather new concept in weight loss. I think that many of us have a history of setting ourselves up for failure by choosing a path that is nearly impossible to travel and using sheer determination to forge through the brambles. Then when we fail, we start over again - down the same path, ignoring the longer, but easier path. And there are still many people who don't know that path even exists - thinking that the only way to lose weight is to have 1/2 a grapefruit or 1 egg for breakfast (or whatever their concept of a weight loss plan is).
Even for people who know the two paths exist, the path that seems the shortest is often more attractive (even when they should know better). It's like the early american settlers who had to decide whether to go over the mountain (the short, but hazardous path) or the long, safer way around it. Many chose over the mountain, and ended up with a trip that actually took much longer than the "long way" would have (or it killed them).
So, I think that some people can actually want to lose weight too badly. Badly enough that they try to take short cuts that just don't work. And even when they "know better," the temptation to get it off quickly can be so great that they ignore the "sensible" way.
I've certainly been there. Sometimes I was even able to lose weight - for a short while. In a very strange way, when losing weight stopped being more important than practically anything but breathing, it became more doable. When I stopped worrying about it coming off FAST, I was able to keep it coming off consistently. It was when I refused to put my life on hold in order to diet, and instead incorporated healthy, but modest changes that I finally started succeeding in a way I never have before. I had to learn patience, and it took a very long time.
What an incredibly interesting, inspiring thread this turned out to be - I've been following the discussion and it really stayed with me throughout the day.
I'm not sure that what is going through my mind really fits the question, but this is one aspect that I came up with when I considered my struggle with weight loss and gain, and with my body image, over the last 15 years or so. Because of another thread, I was also thinking about the other major lifestyle change that I made about four years ago (smoking cessation), and I remembered something that rings true for my weight loss efforts as well:
Rationally, I knew that smoking was harming me, and that I would be so much better off without it. I knew that because everybody knows that. But it was an abstract knowledge. I knew, but I had never *felt*, in my adult life anyway, what kind of improvements lay in store for me. How much my sense of smell would improve, how much I would appreciate not smelling of smoke, how constricted my breathing had become, how the urge to smoke added so much stress to my day instead of relieving it. I had tried quitting before, whiteknuckling it, pushing myself and failing miserably (but also somewhat elatedly - I didn't have to change, I was back on familiar ground, both with cigarettes and with feeling like a weak-willed failure...)
Then I quit for good, and it was painful at first, and it sucked lots of days, but I also began to experience how much better I felt - I hadn't even known I didn't feel good before, because it was my normal state of being for 10+ years!
Sooo, long off topic story short, I find that this also applies to my weight loss experience. Throughout my teenage and adult life, I have been above normal weight, and I always yearned to be thin (or lately, just a healthy weight). I knew it was a desirable state - after all, that's what everybody tells you, that's what every magazine puts on their cover - but it was, and still is to some extent, an abstract. And at times it's just so very hard to work for an abstract when a very concrete emotional pain is driving you towards a very concrete chocolate cake.
But with time, and through trial and error (I too had my share of tiny Rice Krispy bowls ), you find the concrete good things in this journey. How exercise makes you feel, how real food fills you up and nourishes you, how you and your body can actually communicate your respective needs (I'm kinda excited about this last thing right now because I always felt such a disconnect). It does take a very long time, though. After 15 years of more, I think I'm finally starting to get somewhere - of course then again not everybody is so slow on the uptake...
Oh, and as for making choices and actually trying to lose weight, this one resonated with me very much - I think this where my problems were in the past and the most important thing I am learning right now.
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaplods
I've certainly been there. Sometimes I was even able to lose weight - for a short while. In a very strange way, when losing weight stopped being more important than practically anything but breathing, it became more doable. When I stopped worrying about it coming off FAST, I was able to keep it coming off consistently. It was when I refused to put my life on hold in order to diet, and instead incorporated healthy, but modest changes that I finally started succeeding in a way I never have before. I had to learn patience, and it took a very long time.
Wow. I just wanted to say what a thought provoking thread this is for me at least. It really has gotten me started thinking on some things. I really have enjoyed reading this thread as well so thanks to all of those who have posted such great replies.
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