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Ex Husband is Getting Remarried

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Old 04-30-2012, 11:04 AM   #1
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Default Ex Husband is Getting Remarried

And I hate that he may actually be happy. I don't want him back. We had a complicated relationship (read - crappy relationship) and it was the result of and lead to a lot of self esteem issues on my part. There were times we were really horrible to each other. We got married when I was 17, and stayed together off and on for a couple of years and have a son together, now 6.

I just have to ask why I wasn't good enough to stick around for but she is. It doesn't help that she's stick thin. And it wasn't wanting to live without kids, she has four. Anyway, to sum it up my ex is marrying a woman many years older than he is who has four kids and is much thinner than I ever was. And his mother hates her (and we still have a great relationship, she is not happy) I just don't quite know how to sort this out for myself and don't have anyone I can talk to about this.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:08 AM   #2
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Well first of all : IT's NOT YOU!

I know its hard because I've been through similar.....I was used, treated like ****......he moved on to another woman who he seemed to treat like GOLD. Well, I heard through the grapevine he cheated on her too.

Anyway, I say all that to say this: He is your EX for a reason. You say you and he had a crappy relationship. Be happy that someone else will be dealing with his BS now. I promise you people dont change (for the most part). He will eventually end up being a douchebag to her too.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:44 AM   #3
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Anyway, I say all that to say this: He is your EX for a reason. You say you and he had a crappy relationship. Be happy that someone else will be dealing with his BS now. I promise you people dont change (for the most part). He will eventually end up being a douchebag to her too.
This is exactly what I was going to say. I have to keep telling myself that about my ex. He treated me like crap, I can't logically want to be with him again, but I'm super pissed that he's dating someone else. Someone who has all the qualities and interests he said he dumped me because of. She's thinner than me but definitely not pretty (I'm not bashing, but she IS dating me ex, so I get to judge a little bit, right?). But if your ex came back to you, would you be happy? You know the answer is no...but I completely understand that it really hurts to see him with someone else, because it makes you feel like you weren't good enough for him. But the thing is, you were TOO good for him! He doesn't deserve you, and he will treat this other woman the same way. I don't have any advice for how to get over the hurt except for this: Remember why you don't want to be with him.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:47 AM   #4
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I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do understand where you're coming from and I can totally see how it would be unsettling and bug you. :HUGS:
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:49 AM   #5
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I can only imagine how much that sucks, but just remember that he will either a) Be a d-bag to her too, or b) He has matured and will be a better father to your son, and will be able to provide a more stable situation for your son to visit him.

If he has matured and treats her better, just remember that its not a reflection on you. His lack of maturity and emotional support is not because you weren't worthy of those things, its because he couldn't/wouldn't do what was needed of him.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:50 AM   #6
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His remarrying has nothing to do with you. You were incompatible as a couple. Both of you could be perfect with many other people, but you weren't perfect for each other. Period. His remarrying is his decision and I wish anyone happiness and luck with that.

I also hope you can move on too and find your own happiness and not worry about his - well, maybe if he's happy he'll be a better father to your son too - happy people tend to be better people.
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Old 04-30-2012, 12:09 PM   #7
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His remarrying has nothing to do with you. You were incompatible as a couple. Both of you could be perfect with many other people, but you weren't perfect for each other. Period.
this
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Old 04-30-2012, 12:14 PM   #8
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well, maybe if he's happy he'll be a better father to your son too - happy people tend to be better people.
This! I know you are dealing with your own demons about the divorce and him moving on and what does it all say about your former relationship. However, looking at the bigger picture, I have found that with my divorced friends with kids - when their ex was single, they were miserable to deal with. When their ex found new partners, suddenly they became much more pleasant and willing to cooperate. It might have been due to selfish reasons, but the outcome was positive for all involved. If their ex wasn't happy, no one was going to be happy. If their ex was happy, they would allow others to be happy too.

One day, you will find you own happiness and no longer care what your ex and his new wife are up to. However, in the meantime, take advantage of the fact that your ex might treat you and your child better because he is now happy again (as long as you are polite to him, of course). That can only be a plus, right?
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Old 04-30-2012, 06:33 PM   #9
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Thankfully I don't have to see or speak to him very often, as my son goes with his parents every other weekend and only occasionally sees his father. I haven't spoken to my ex in at least a year, and I am 100% ok with that. If he has changed, good for him. If not, I hope the kids don't get hurt too badly in the fallout.

Thanks for all the hugs and participating in my little pity party. Is it so much to ask that all our exes be miserable and pine for us the rest of our lives? (just kidding)
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:10 PM   #10
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The best revenge is to let her have him!
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Old 04-30-2012, 07:18 PM   #11
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The best revenge is to let her have him!

I sooo ... agree!!!
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Old 04-30-2012, 08:27 PM   #12
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Is it so much to ask that all our exes be miserable and pine for us the rest of our lives? (just kidding)
I had a pine-y person as an ex. Lord... I just wanted him to hurry up and find someone else so he could STOP focusing on me and what I was doing. The breaking up took longer than the time we were together for him!

It took many years for us to get to a place where we can be pleasant acquaintances. But we muddled along.

Time and distance helps -- maybe this is just too soon and too fresh for you?

But be confident that in time you can get to a different place. A friend of mine who is on decent terms with her ex was telling me how that played out for her. Initial hot anger, then "I could care less if a truck ran him over" space, and so on. Now they are on better terms since they have a grown kid. She was surprised when he made her a birthday present and told me "I get nicer birthday presents from him NOW as her divorced parents than I ever did as her married parents! So weird. Maybe it took time and age to mellow him out. He's still him, I don't want a relationship AT ALL there because he's still him. But he's a lot easier to take this way -- more mellow. "

Since you guys were together young with you at 17 perhaps that plays into it a bit also? The age factor?

Hang in there. I remember being SO ANGRY with my ex and now when I think of him it's a LOT more mellow and more like "I'm so glad he found someone, I hope he is well."

Time tends to mellow everything.


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Old 04-30-2012, 08:38 PM   #13
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Time I've had, we've been divorced for almost six years. I've been remarried for three of them.
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Old 04-30-2012, 08:54 PM   #14
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I dunno.... It took me more than 10 years post breakup to get to a civil place with ex. Not because I couldn't be, but because he wasn't there yet. I was really surprised when he called me out of the blue to apologize. I never in a million years saw that one coming.

And it took my friend 15? More? Because her ex was kinda goofy about it too.

I think it just takes the time it takes because if there's to be even a casual acquaintance thing after, both people have to be willing to go there. Each relationship is different. Each person is different. So the length of time will vary.

But just on YOUR OWN end? That's just giving yourself permission to let things go so they don't bother you. If venting helps, vent away.

You say you don't want him back. And if you are married yourself -- why the "yargh" factor? Is it because she's slimmer than you? Then it's more about how you feel about your own body shape and your "good enough-ness" than how you feel about her/him being married isn't it?

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Old 05-01-2012, 09:45 AM   #15
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I was 17 and pregnant when we got married. He promised to clean up his act (drugs, other girls, disappearing for days on end, yeah I knew better) but of course wouldn't change for my son and I, we weren't worth growing up and being a man. But while we are trying to stick it out again he goes and starts staying with this chick and her four kids. He didn't even have the balls to break up with me, just disappeared again. His mother told me. So, it's a self esteem issue for me because she is thinner than me. He also had a child with another woman while we were married and I was pregnant with our son. Lots of hurt, and I wasn't much better at times. I guess some of it is feeling like he married the "other woman."

The bottom line is he grew up, and I should be the bigger person and really, really need to quit waiting for the apology that is never coming.
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