Today, I've been thinking about the emotions that come from overeating. Not the ones that trigger the overeating, but the ones that happen after the eating is done.
While I was on the medicine that clearly changed my appetite and food cravings, as the weight built up I began to experience emotions I had never felt before.
I began to blame myself for not being able to resist the hunger pains or the desire to continue eating sweets until I had finished a whole 1 pound bag of M&M's in one sitting. I started to have very negative thoughts about my will power and strength of character.
As a thin person, I never had those feelings when I indulged in a second piece of cake or ate far more than my share of cookies. But as a fat person, I held myself to a different standard.
Meg talked about personal responsibility verse biochemistry in her recent post. During my fat period, I felt personally responsible for all the food I consumed, but I don't know if I could have done much to control it. The biochemistry of my medication made me feel as though I was constantly starving. I had a biological need or drive like I had never before to eat much, much more.
And I knew cognatively that I was making wrong food choices. I was the one going to the grocery store and buying the big bags of chocolates knowing I would eat them all that night. I could have opted to buy a big bag of carrots instead (and they would have all been gone by the next morning).
I knew that the medication was fueling my desires to eat, eat, eat. But I still had very negative emotions about my behavior after I did.
So there were bad feeling about what I had done and the feeling of being out of control, and then there were bad feelings about my appearence.
Now that I'm on the new medication and have lost all the weight, I still sometimes overeat because of boredom or because something just tastes too good or I can't resist one of my trigger foods. But I just don't have those negative feelings when it happens.
I've been very lucky to only experience those feelings for a few short years. My heart goes out to the rest of you who may have felt this way for decades.