Holding on to your weight isn't always because of some diabolical, victim-like past event.
wow.. never thought of that. So my payoff could be I can remain to be lazy that doesn't sound too good. But I don't want to be. My payoff could be that people will not have high expectations of me - so they are satisfied or impressed when I - the fat girl - can do the same things other "normal" people can do. Interesting...
Sometimes I think it's because I can blame my fat for my fears and everything else. If I'm not fat, then I have to face the fact that I'm scared of taking risks. Fat keeps me safe from putting myself out there to possibly get hurt. If someone doesn't like me it's because I'm fat, not because of some other reason that I might have to work on.
GIrls I have a little piece of advice to you...hiding behind fat is not going to make the world different! If you do not want your bfs or dhs to feel unsecure because you are "prettier" than before stop and think about how secure your relationship actually is... Besides there is no man in the world worth someone feeling bad about themselves just to make them feel secure!!! WHen someone is loosing weight they have to love themselves enough and think that they ARE worth of having a wonderful body and feeling great about themselves... just being the best they can be!!!
Good luck to all of us!!!
i dont want to meet men
its just easy
i'm comfortable in my shell and if i lost my weight that would mean i'd have no more excuses for me to live my life the way i'm living it.
I've never been a "normal" weight, either. I've been fat since I was in diapers. For me, the scariest thing about finally losing this weight is the "what if"...
Because this is all I've ever known, I find that I attribute everything bad that happens (or good that doesn't happen) to being a fat girl. Here's how it works: I think, "I'm invisible because I'm fat". Or, "No guy will date me because I'm fat". Or, "I can't do that because I'm fat". Or, I won't get that promotion because I'm fat".
So then the Big Scary Question: What if I lose the weight, and it turns out that all that stuff wasn't just because I'm fat? What if I get thin and I'm still invisible. And no guy wants to date me. And I still don't get that promotion. I'd have to deal with the possibility that I'm not good enough, cute enough, smart enough after all. That the flaw is actually in me, and not in my fat. And that, that is SCARY to me.
But here's the kicker - the thought that it took almost 33 years to fall out of my brain: What if it goes the other way? What if I'm not invisible anymore, and my new self-confidence opens doors for me that I never imagined. That would be pretty cool. And that's what got me going. And that's why I will succeed.
Sorry - that was way too many words It feels good to finally articulate it, though. Thanks for the great thread!
It was the first time I'd really thought about the "why" and been able to articulate it clearly. I can honestly say it's made a difference in my outlook lately. Hope the rest of you find some comfort in it, too!
charbar -- I always thought that there had to be a reason why I was fat too, and could never come up with it. I'm starting to think a big part of it was that I just wasn't willing to do what it takes before. I liked eating and didn't like exercising and seemed to get a lot of what I wanted anyway. I was smart and did well in school, and fat didn't really get in the way of that. I know I also hid behind my fat a lot, but I had good self-esteem in many areas...
I think I would want to stay fat because it's easier and because I don't want to fail and gain it all back again.
But I'm learning that the consequences of staying fat are perhaps more than I want to pay for the convenience, if that makes any sense.
I love this thread. I think it really goes to the heart of weight loss. I have been thin for a significant part of my life in my teens and twenties after being a very fat child. And as an adult I lost 80#, was thin and kept it off for 5 years. The most amazing thing was when people wanted to talk to me about my weight loss, they couldn't believe it when I told them that I had the same problems as when I was fat but now I had nothing to blame it on, (if only I were thin...was my mantra) I can still remember the face of this one woman telling me I was lying and that simply wasn't true.
Every one has there own unique experience. What I experienced after being thin as an adult for a few years is that school still stressed me out, I was still uncomfortable around many men and my family situation was still pretty chaotic. It didn't really change much inside me. I just bought different clothes and had to deal with my fears around the opposite sex more often!
Losing weight now feels like an act of self love and self preservation. I had given up hope that I could lose weight as an older adult when two years ago I lost 50 pounds. It wasn't losing the weight that has given me hope, it has been maintaining 40#s of that weight loss (I regained 10 lbs last year after my surgery for uterine cancer) for 2 years that has given me hope. Hope that this year I can lose another 50-80 #s. I feel like I needed those two years to readjust my psyche. In what way I have no idea.
Ali, my doctor of many years ago told me that studies have shown that people who lose weight " on their own" ,i.e., not with a commercial weight loss group, are much more likely to keep it off. I am not sure if those were the kind of studies you were talking about.
I fear change, even good ones
That I will look worse not better (the saggy skin thing)
That I will buy into the idea (for me) that the "perfect body" leads to the "perfect life". This has led me previously to feeling bad about myself for no good reason.
Sheila!!
I cannot possibly put it better for myself!!
I'm just going to have to oughtright steal your words, because well....that's EXACTLY how I feel..scared of facing other fears..having no excuse to do things I'm afraid to do.
Quote:
Sometimes I think it's because I can blame my fat for my fears and everything else. If I'm not fat, then I have to face the fact that I'm scared of taking risks. Fat keeps me safe from putting myself out there to possibly get hurt. If someone doesn't like me it's because I'm fat, not because of some other reason that I might have to work on.
Thank you for making clear the thought I was trying to gather, Sheila
xoxo
Linda
Every. single. thing. that you have all said is exactly the way I feel! Saggy skin, laziness, fear of higher expectations, fear of gaining it all back, fear of finding out there is more wrong with me than I thought, and all the other things that have already been said, they are SO true for me.
To add a few:
1. As I have never been thin... I'm afraid to find out that I'm ugly as a thin person.
2. As I have never been thin, who I am as a person has a lot to do with my weight. So if I lose the weight, where does that leave my identity?
3. I've read so many weight loss stories where people who have lost weight have lost friends, and I am scared to find out that good friends of mine won't like me anymore.
4. Fear of my weight loss being noticed, of compliments, especially from classmates at school, and also from family.
5. There are a lot of things I want to do with my life... I have a lot of dreams. If I lose all the weight, I will have no excuse not to do them! And no excuse if I fail.
As you can tell I have thought a lot about this...... haha... having said all of that, I DO want to lose weight, I am ready to face all of these challenges.
I think that it can be therepeutic to talk about these things and let them out, but endlessly psychoanalyzing myself without action became yet another barrier for me to get over. Digging deep can be important but it can also be another excuse to sit around waiting for action, if you know what I mean. I finally had to tell myself that I was done trying to dig deep and uncover my innermost reasons for being overweight, and just get on with losing it already! That is just me though, you might have a different experience.
I think I have used it as an excuse to be lazy and to push people away - before they have a chance to hurt me (what an optimist!). Right now, all strangers see is fat. What if I lose the fat - what will protect me then? It's a lot easier to be rejected for something you *could* change than to be rejected for yourself. I'm not saying I do this consciously, but I think that is part of my "deep down" reason.
I would be interested to hear whether people who have lost the weight had these fears, and whether these fears were realized. Denise touched on it, some.
I, too, would love to know what the research says, but I also know how misleading research can be, especially if it's not good research or from 2ndhand reports.
Good thread folks. I really appreciate all your insights. I've been wondering about this for the last year on and off (since I read Dr. Phil). My thoughts:
1. It is easier to eat more and move less. Requires less effort and planning on my part.
2. The "deeper" reason - I've been fat and slim. My slim self met and married a man, was miserable and gained like crazy (80 lbs in a year), 3 years later he left me for another slim woman. Woke up and looked after myself again - lost all weight. Met and married another man (hottie no less). Fast forward 3 babies and career advancement - me VERY fat and somewhat unhappy (there I admitted it). Worried cute hubby may follow path of first. Am I "testing" him? Daring him? If that's true I better smarten up!!!
I really think the first is the most significant barrier for me. I am just back at the gym and LOVE the way I feel after. (Not so much during ). I'm hoping that the body awareness will encourage more postive thoughts, better coping skills and ultimately healthier choices. Reason #2 is a little inner voice that I think is just my inner teenager making up excuses!
Suppose I'd like to stay fat so that it wouldn't be as hard to trust people. Kind of have this fear that I won't be able to really trust anyone when I'm thin. I'll always be thinking of how they would've never accepted me as a fat person.
I'd also like to stay fat so that I could "win" I suppose. Do the things that I want and be able to tell people that I really don't care that they dislike the fact that I'm overweight. I'd like to show them that I can be fat and happy at the same time. Eh. I'd like to show others like myself that they're not worthless and they can be everything that they want to be and still be overweight. Hm.
I have never been very good at making or having friends. I always assume people can't like me or seriously want to be my friend and hang out with me because I am fat. Even if the other person is fat too. I fear learning that even with out my 'fat bubble' I will still not be worthy enough of friends.
I also use my fat as an excuse not to try new things. That way I can't try them and fail.
Third of all, and perhaps this is part of my current weightloss stall issues; I'm afraid of trying to lose weight and embarrassing myself by failing OR succeeding at losing my weigh, looking fabulous, then gaining it all back.
that doesn't sound too good. But I don't want to be. My payoff could be that people will not have high expectations of me - so they are satisfied or impressed when I - the fat girl - can do the same things other "normal" people can do. Interesting...
It feels good to finally articulate it, though. Thanks for the great thread!
Denise
). I'm hoping that the body awareness will encourage more postive thoughts, better coping skills and ultimately healthier choices. Reason #2 is a little inner voice that I think is just my inner teenager 
making up excuses!
