My boyfriend is fit, and healthy, and handsome and yaddah yaddah (no, this is not a post to brag about him, believe me). And he just DOESN'T understand how difficult it is to lose weight. The most he's probably ever gained or lost in his life is ten pounds. I mean, the guy is a professional fighter for god's sakes.
I finally sat down with him tonight and flat out told him, I need a BOYFRIEND not a COACH or a professional fighting trainer. I need SUPPORT not "tough love". And most of all, I need him to stop turning everything into a damn competition.
Its like. I'm 270 lbs and huff and puff when I go up stairs. Your 160 and fight people in a cage for a living.... if you turn it into a competition, I will LOSE and then I will get discouraged, and then that makes continuing a whole lot harder.
I. Want. To. Explode. I was scared to even let him know that I was starting on a path to getting myself healthy because I automatically KNEW the competition and the "coach mode" would kick in. I got up the courage to ask him if he'd like to help me plan meals for myself (we are Long Distance so he won't be eating with me), and if he'd like to follow a modified version of CT5K so that we can work out on the same days and keep motivated (He can already run for like, ever. So the regular CT5K would be cake).
I just really want to include him in this, and I really want some support. Thats not so much to ask I don't think.
He says he's willing to try and tone down the "coach-iness" and to be more supportive, but I honestly don't know if he can. I'm going to try and give him the benefit of the doubt.
I've also come up with some more... "me-friendly" competition ideas to suggest. Like "lets see if we can both work out at least 4 days this week, whoever doesn't has to do such and such".
Hey hun, I know it seems horrible but I'm sure he thinks he's helping you and doesn't realise how much it hurts. Personally, I have this issue with my brother who is stick thin and just naturally thrives on being active and doesn't have to think about food at all. He often comes out with the most discouraging words a dieter can ever hear..."just eat less, what's the problem?!"...as if we don't all know this!!!! If it was that easy EVERYONE would be skinny!!! GAH! These people just don't get it because they've never been there, they're not trying to be horrible. Good for you for explaining to him how you felt
Also, CT5K really works I'm only on the second week and already finding myself getting just a little more efficient with my running, yay keep it up xx
My opinion would be, don't include him. It's one thing to want support, but it's another thing to try to dictate what that support will be. It's like you're asking him not to be who he is--a thin, fit, competitive fighter.
If he knows nothing about losing weight, why ask him for help anyway? Do your own meal planning, etc. If you want help with it, find others who have better understanding. I think you'll find this works out better.
Jay- its not that I'm asking for "help" at all. I'm doing this one way or another. But he is a large part of my life and has wanted me to get healthy for a long time. As the person I assume is going to be my life partner, I want him involved as much as possible.
While I think it's a good idea to get him to support you in exercise, I don't think you should have him do your meal plan unless he has experience with doing diet plans for women trying to lose weight.
At least he is trying to be supportive and he's a good role model for a healthy lifestyle
Hmmm... how to explain better than I already have.....
I guess, I'm doing my meal plan. I'm calorie counting and have a bunch bunch bunch of different meals compiled that I COULD have. Just thought it would be fun or a good "healthy bonding experience" for us to sit down and pick out which ones look delicious for the next week.
I really agree with Taurie. don't let your boo do your meal plan. My boo tried to include himself into my lifestyle change and his meal plan included meat, meat and more meat and exercise was all weight lifting. smh. I was like "...hun, i'm not a dude!" lolz
The way he can help since he is a sports pro is giving you advice on cardio and your form so you don't injure yourself. Guys love stuff like that. And you should include him in your change because he likes to be physical and there major benefits to that especially when you get down to your last ten
Hmmm... how to explain better than I already have.....
I guess, I'm doing my meal plan. I'm calorie counting and have a bunch bunch bunch of different meals compiled that I COULD have. Just thought it would be fun or a good "healthy bonding experience" for us to sit down and pick out which ones look delicious for the next week.
Hmmm... how to explain better than I already have.....
I guess, I'm doing my meal plan. I'm calorie counting and have a bunch bunch bunch of different meals compiled that I COULD have. Just thought it would be fun or a good "healthy bonding experience" for us to sit down and pick out which ones look delicious for the next week.
This can never be a bonding experience for the two of you. You're clearly coming from completely different places. That's OK. I mean, there are all kinds of things that are a huge part of my life that I don't involve my husband in--and that he doesn't involve me in--thank god. Sometimes I need a little independence, areas where I can just make the decisions and we don't have to talk it out or agree. There are plenty of other things we do share and enjoy doing together.
A relationship should be a Venn Diagram, NOT two perfectly overlapping circles. Tell him you are going to do this on your own. This doesn't mean you can't talk about it with him--of course you can. But you need him to be not emotionally involved in the process--just to be proud of you.
I mean, if you got really into knitting and crocheting, would you expect him to get into it? Doesn't he have hobbies you don't share? This needs to be like that--something you talk about and he goes "yes, dear" and occasionally admires your progress (that's a lovely afghan!) but not something where somehow his ego is on the line (why haven't you finished that sweater! I bet you could if you worked tonight!)
No matter how unsupportive or supportive someone is, really doesn't make THAT much of a difference in the end (& beginning and middle too). I have found weight loss to be one of the most solo acts in the world.
As supportive and rah-rah as my family was/is, the bottom line is ME. Me, me and more me. I had to figure out for myself what would work for me - and what wouldn't. I had to do the meal planning, the shopping, the cooking, the preparing, the taking of foods with me, the resisting of the *off-foods*, the making good choices at every turn, the having strategies in place every day and with every obstacle thrown my way. It was me doing the exercise. Me putting forth the continual effort. NO RELYING ON ANYONE ELSE. It was a very personal experience. Lots of delving and finding inner strength (& peace) and growth.
Right, if they've never had to deal with losing weight, they don't get it. My hubby is fit like your boyfriend. I've tried to include him before in my weight loss, but it just doesn't work to include someone like that to help! It starts out okay, but later, they'll end up being critical or trying to push you when you're already at your limit, and then you'll start feeling resentful...at least that's my experience. If my hubby wants to give me a little praise when I'm doing good, that's fine, but when he gets negative on me, or too critical, that's no help at all. This time, I'm having him stay out of my weight loss journey completely. It's only been 8 days, but I can already tell I'm much less stressed not having to worry about hubby's thoughts and ideas about my food/exercise/weight loss.
I couldn't really include my husband in my weight loss efforts other than showing him what I wanted to cook....when I started eating healthy my husband & kids did too. My husband is a former Marine that has to stay in top condition because the job he has now....he has never been even slightly overweight. There is nothing wrong with not including him in every single aspect if the support he is going to offer you isn't your style. He's a professional fighter....it's what he does & while he might have pointers he isn't going through the same thing as you.
He can still be supportive but not involved in everything . My husband is my biggest cheerleader!
You took a great first step in talking to him. Sounds like he is willing to work on it and help you and not coach you. Just keep giving him gentle reminders if you notice him starting to cross that line. It is great though that you have someone that can help you down the path you are choosing.
I think everyone is probably right on this thread, though it would be nice if they weren't! I know who you feel, I wish my hubby was more into a healthy lifestyle with me. I wish he would take walks with me, and work out with me. But he doesn't want to. We do sometimes ride bikes or play volleyball together, though, because that is something he likes to do. So it's ultimately up to me to make the changes for me. That's why I'm so glad I found this site. It's so nice to know others are going through the same thing.
But maybe you can include your BF by asking for advice. As a fighter, I'm sure he works out a lot and knows lots of ways to alleviate soreness after exercise, good stretches, etc. Good luck.
I am sorry but I have to agree that this is mostly a solitary journey. It is great if he is willing to be your cheerleader and give you some occasional advice but I don't think that it can work for him to be as involved in your journey as you have described. However, as you lose weight and get more and more fit, you will have much more in common. You will be able to do things with him that you can't do now. I think that the two of you have so much to look forward to!
Skinny BF who just doesn't get it? *rant*
