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Old 07-13-2006, 06:05 AM   #1  
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Default Rant (and pity party)

I am so off with myself and my little sister.

We were having a chat last night. Her BF is coming to stay this weekend (Sis and I live together as of about 3 weeks ago), and I said to her in a jokey way that she had better take him out to do something as I wanted to spend the weekend lying in the back garden in my bikini to work on my (non-existent) tan. She said, if she tells him that he'll probably want to stay behind.

OK, so far, we are all jokey and smiling and having fun. Then she says, all seriously, "don't worry he really doesn't fancy you". Now I've only met this guy twice and it's not like I want him to fancy me, but somehow that really hurt. She put such an emphasis on the word really that makes me think that they have been talking about how unattractive I am behind my back. Also, I just can't see a reason for her to say that at all, it was totally unnecessary.

She is a very attractive, skinny and successful girl, and I am the fat one who hasn't made much of her life so far, so I know that I already feel self-conscious around her and I'm probably being hyper-sensitive, but I swear she looks down on me because I'm overweight. I keep hoping that my life will change and I'll be able to keep up with her, I am losing weight and this is the first time I have ever felt like I am really going to do this, and after a fantastic trip round South America later this year, I plan to come back to the UK and start studying to pass an exam to get into medical school as an mature student. But things like this just make my confidence crash and then I start worrying about everything and how my dreams will never happen because I will find a way to sabotage myself yet again. I just wish I wouldn't let things get to me, and that I could make myself work hard for my dreams. It is like my mind thinks that if I don't try then I can't fail, but in the end I still feel like a failure anyway because I haven't worked hard and succeeded, and I then I'm so unhappy I just push myself further away from my dreams.

I'm sorry for the rant and pity party, I just had to get that out.
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Old 07-13-2006, 06:11 AM   #2  
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You can have whatever you want to in life - just pay the price and it's yours.

It's right, if you want to go to Med school, you CAN, if you truly want to be slim and successful, you CAN. Ignore sister's comments, some things can be taken the wrong way. So what if they've been talking about you behind your back? She maybe has issues with you being the "older" one and jealous of some of the things you have. Sometimes you don't realise that you have what someone else wants.

Anways, enough rambling, live your dreams and go for it, and don't let a little comment get in the way. You can always turf her out of the house if she gets unbearable
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Old 07-13-2006, 07:10 AM   #3  
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It's really hard when you live in the shadow of a successful sister. Mine is an author, has two kids, a great marriage, is about to have her third book published ya da ya da.

She is two and a half years younger than me, but I feel very much like she is the older sister and I'm the younger one.

Oh and she's skinny............or was.............. Now she hasn't lost weight following birth of baby number 2 and I am almost slimmer than her for the first time ever!!!

Now she is having jealousy issues....I've got to live in England, whilst she's still in Australia. She's tired all the time balancing the needs of the kids with demands of her publisher, and trying to keep all the various grandparents happy.

Don't think of it as keeping up. You are your own person with your own life to live. You sisters life will only overshadow yours if you let it.

You don't have to be skinny to get the life you want......and the good things you want will happen because of what you do to make it so, they aren't dependent on you fitting into some ideal weight.

Not saying that weight loss isn't important.....but it won't necessarily open doors to you. And your life may not magically improve when you hit goal weight.

You are a worthwhile, attractive person regardless of your weight.
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Old 07-13-2006, 08:15 AM   #4  
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Please don't lay out and tan! It's a death sentence. I've seen too many teenagers and people in their 20's with skin cancer! Some of them have died. They all have major scars. They all wish that they had been more careful in the past. I'm sorry if this is to straight forward, but whenever I see people excited about tanning outside or in a tanning booth it makes me sad. It's one of the worst things you can do for your health, and this is about being healthy, right?!
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Old 07-13-2006, 08:39 AM   #5  
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Tara has a good point, but you can slather yourself in lotion and if you're only out for a bit, that shouldn't hurt too much.

About your problem...I'm kinda the opposite because my sister feels overwhelmed with *my* miniature accomplishments. I'm in graduate school and about to finish in a couple of years and she (through her own foolishness) messed up her college years academically and even though she has an associate's degree (with HONORS!), she still feels intellectually inferior to me. I have no idea why - I am and act like a fool and she's so grown up and dresses well and has such a beautiful face that I feel like a monkey next to her. I've told her this MANY times and she still throws my education in my face and makes me feel guilty. HATE.THAT. But oh well, she's my sis - if you're anything like my sis and me, you'll let it pass in a few. It's nothing to get worked up about. I would think that she stressed that because maybe there is a chance that he could like you...hehehe...
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Old 07-13-2006, 08:59 AM   #6  
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Hi, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from, my sister and I had the same relationship. Growing up, she was and is the tall, skinny and pretty one and I was smart, fat one. We don't see each other much now because we live 5 hours apart and both have full lives. I hope that someday we can put our differences aside and become friends. She would always comment about my weight, size of my butt - etc. and it would hurt so much, especially when you're young. Now that I am older, I have taken off my shoulders and given my hurt to God. She is who she is and I am who I am. She has her insecurities, I have mine. I don't know if this helps but I do wish you the best of luck and that you are not alone in those feelings.
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Old 07-13-2006, 10:34 AM   #7  
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Originally Posted by Sunnigummi
Tara has a good point, but you can slather yourself in lotion and if you're only out for a bit, that shouldn't hurt too much.

Um, ya, thats completely WRONG!!!!

Any little bit of a tan all the way up to sun burns ARE SKIN DAMAGE.
Skin cancer occurs when a person has been exposed to too much sun in their life - it is cumulative damage that begins occurring as soon as we get our first tans or burns.
There is no safe way to tan, and frankly, when I see any women laying out trying to tan I am very disgusted - that is truly complete disrespect for one's body. BTW, tans = nasty, rough, wrinkly, aged skin; and you can always tell the women that have laid out or fake-baked because their skin looks crappy after years of doing so.

Pachyderm - I know it must be hard to deal with things like this when they come from a family member... but if she has a problem with your weight, that is HER problem. Do not ever let anyone else's problem get you down.
You need to do whatever you need to do to make your life right for you!!! You should never base anything you do or don't do because another person attempts to throw their issue on your shoulders. You do not need to carry this burden.
Tell you sister that sometimes you feel that she treats you differently because of your weight; and that (of course, it could always be a misperception) you don't appreciate it. You are a worthy human being and capable of being successful with or without the excess weight. And that as your sister, she needs to respect you for who you are.
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Old 07-13-2006, 12:34 PM   #8  
Starting over =]
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"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Keep your head up
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Old 07-13-2006, 12:59 PM   #9  
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oh pachy I feel for you hun. You know sisters in general are very competitive...I am sure she did not know that would be so hurtful...things are often taken a lot more seriously when a person is super aware of something, like it sounds you are of your weight. You are a success hun, not meant to be a carbon copy of every skinny biatch out there. You just need to know that for yourself.
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:07 PM   #10  
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Pachyderm - I think everyone here has given you great advice. I just wanted to say HI and tell you not to worry about what your sister said or what she does or has done. She is not you, you are you and you are the only person you should worry about
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:18 PM   #11  
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Cool Ah, Sisters

I love my sister dearly, but family dynamics stink. My sister was not only the petite one (and body size is EVERYTHING in our family), but she was the responsible one, the studious one, and the worldly one. I was the "big" one (not always fat, but even a thin 5'11" on a female in my family is viewed as a curse), the irresponsible one, the dumb one.

My sister "never did anything wrong", went straight off to college after secondary school. I became a single parent at 20, but decided to go back to college on my own time. I graduated with a much more rigorous degree and a much better GPA than she did.

I guess my point is that if you believe it about yourself, you can do it. Living with a sibling isn't easy, especially if there's an element of competition. I had to detach from family quite a bit before I could fill my head with my own beliefs about myself.
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Old 07-13-2006, 01:29 PM   #12  
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you should say to her "No, seriously, I wouldn't even THINK about WANTING him to fancy me. Just saving that makes me shiver."
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Old 07-13-2006, 04:02 PM   #13  
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Sister rivalry. Ah, what a charm, eh?

I think maybe you were being sensitive at that moment, but you know what? It's OK. We all have our insecurities & our "rathers". And if you think your sister doesn't have them, think again. Just because she doesn't voice them to you doesn't mean she isn't feeling it.

And stop being so down on you! Learn to love you! "and I am the fat one who hasn't made much of her life so far" is NOT self-love! You must learn to LOVE and ACCEPT yourself. There isn't anything wrong with striving, reaching for goals & dreams, but you must also live in the now. Talk GOOD to yourself, talk yourself UP - not down! Everytime you catch yourself in that negative self-frame of mind, counteract it with a positive thought. Soon, you'll see your own light shining from within, & you'll be surprised what you can accomplish!
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Old 07-14-2006, 05:00 AM   #14  
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Thanks for all your comments everyone. I think I probably was being oversensitive. I haven't discussed it with her, but I don't think she knows how cruel she can be sometimes. She is basically a really nice person, but sometimes she comes out with these really hurtful things (not just to me) when she is feeling upset or insecure. Maybe she thought from our conversation that I was going after him! I can't actually understand why she would think that, but last night she made such a big deal about showing me a text he had sent her saying that he loved her, that it made me wonder.

Anyway, you are right, I shouldn't let it get to me, but it is very hard sometimes, particularly with family. They can make me feel like such a failure, and the subject of my weight is such a big thing with them that they actually make me want to overeat! I am determined to lose this weight though, and I feel ready to start going out there and having a life. I contacted an old friend last week and I will see if I can visit her this summer. I've always put it off because I didn't want her to see me after I put on all this weight, but I have to stop the monotony of just going to work (where I sit in an office on my own) and sitting at home watching tv on my own.

Thank you again for your comments.
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Old 07-14-2006, 06:48 AM   #15  
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I barely know you, obviously, but I've gleaned a few things about you in the short time we've intersected on this forum.You're a runner. You've kept on with your training in spite of injured knees-- and after a forced rest. So many people would have quit at that point! Think of the initiative, determination and committment you've shown just in that one little part of your life!

Sisters say things. My sister is probably the best friend I have in the world-- but now and then one of falls into old competitive habits and says something gratuitusly hurtful. Sometimes it can be very, very wounding-- nobody knows better how to push buttons than family does.

Please just remember that you're doing something really amazing right now. You're reshaping your life by becoming healthy. That's a tremendously hard road and is underappreciated by those not walking it. But we know how amazing you are...

Last but not least, once you get to the 5K mark in your running? Ask her to join you one nice hot day.
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