"Team Work"
Once upon a time, there were four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it
Anybody could have done it
But Nobody did it
Somebody got angry because it was Everybody's job
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realised that Everybody wouldn't do it
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done anyway.
My human will never let me eat her pet hamster, and I am at peace with that.
I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.
I will not slurp fish food from the surface of the aquarium.
I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.
I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.
I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur.)
I will not stand on the bathroom counter, stare down the hall, and growl at NOTHING after my human has finished watching The X-Files.
I will not fish out my human's partial plate from the glass so that the dog can "wear" it and pretend to be my human. (It is somewhat unnerving to wake up, roll over in bed, and see the dog grinning at you with human's teeth.)
I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.
Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.
I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.
I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.
I will not complain that my bottom is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not intrude on my human's candle-lit bubble bath and singe my bottom.
I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.
I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.
If I bite the cactus, it will bite back.
It is not a good idea to try to lap up the powdered creamer before it dissolves in boiling coffee.
When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.
When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to check every door.
Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.
I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.
Yes, there are still two very large dogs in the backyard. There have been for several years. I don't have to act as if I've just discovered the Demon Horror of the Universe each time one of them appears in my window.
I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.
When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.
Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.
I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.
I will not bring the city police to the front door by stepping on the speaker phone button and then the automatic 911 dial button.
I will not speed dial the overseas numbers.
I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing important emiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.
Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters), stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.
I will not stalk the deer in the apple orchard next door. They have sharp hooves and could hurt me if they weren't laughing so hard.
I will not watch the guinea constantly as the guinea likes to sleep once in a while.
The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.
I will not put a live mole in my food bowl and expect it to stay there until I get hungry.
I will not eat spider plants and hallucinate behind the toilet.
I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.
I will learn to relax at the vet's office so they will start writing things in my records like "Good Kitty" and "Sweet Kitty" instead of the stuff that's there now like "MEAN!!" "BITER!!!" and "GET HELP!!!!!"
I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.
I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.
If I MUST claw my human, I will not do it in such a fashion that the scars resemble a botched suicide attempt.
If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a big live cockroach, even if it isn't as tasty.
I will not soak my catnip toy in the water bowl to make tea. I will not get high and sit there drinking my tea and kneading the floor after wards. I will not then get delusions of grandeur and make tea in the toilet bowl or the tub. And I will not try to make tea with used socks, dirty panties or hair scrunches when my humans take the catnip toy away from me.
A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap.
While flipping through a magazine, I came across an ad reading, "Lose 20lbs in 1 week GUARANTEED!"
So I gave them a call and decided to take the plunge.
On Monday morning a young lady knocked at my door with no clothes on except a pair of Reebok trainers and a sign saying "If you catch me you can have me!".
I chased her for 1 mile every day, and sure enough when I stood on the scale I had lost 20lbs.
I was impressed by the company's work ethic so I decided to sign up to their middle program which guaranteed me 50lbs weight loss.
Once again Monday morning a knock at the door by a beautiful girl with nothing on except a pair of Nike trainers and a sign saying "If you catch me you can have me!".
I chased her for 5 miles every day. At the end of the week fantastic I'd lost 50lbs.
I signed up with the SUPER program to Lose 100lbs.
Monday morning came and I was all ready by the time the door knocked-in my trainers and running gear.
I opened the door and saw, to my horror, a dirty great biker with tattoos all over his arms, barely any teeth, and a sign around his neck:
"If i catch you, your sweet arse is mine!"
Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that t! here is only 1 check
left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the
kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll
water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.
So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.
At the end of the day:
> > 1) The car isn't washed
> > 2) The bills aren't paid
> > 3) There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
> > 4) The flowers don't have enough water,
> > 5) There is still only 1 check in my check book,
> > 6) I can't find the remote,
> > 7) I can't find my glasses,
> > 8) And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
Growing older is mandatory, growing up is optional!
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty
much leave me the **** alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal
your neighbor's newspaper, that is the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be
promoted.
6. No one is listening unless you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think no one cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
car payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their
shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and
have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to
fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes
from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and
put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
it.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our
a**...Then things get worse.
26. Never under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday... around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
Jokes for the Slimmin' Sistas
Things A Cat Must Remember
Lose 20 Pounds In A Week!
