Dear 3FCs, (lol)

So, I think that part of my weight loss "stall/ binging/ not working out" drama is the fear of leaving the last 12 years behind. I was a skinny thing who could eat whatever I wanted without gaining a pound until I was about 22. I was happy, and confident, and felt sexy.. then my metabolism changed and all that I ate, went straight to my gut, and butt, and cankles, and.. ok.. everywhere. Over the years I've cycled through depression, anger, denial, acceptance out of feeling like a lost cause, then rinse and repeat. It didn't help that all I kept hearing from my dad was that I take after the German women ancestors in my family (who were BIG and hardy women) and that I needed to get over it and accept it. (He meant well, honestly, but he doesn't think like a woman)

I did Atkins for the first time, 8 years ago, for 2 months, lost 20 lbs.. then met my SO, who is an amazing cook, and that was the end of that (pasta overload). I tried working out like a mad woman for a year, like 6 years ago, and never dropped a pound or inch.. got frustrated and quit. Did Atkins twice more over the years, and about lost my mind, I even snapped at the SO when he (nicely) reminded me I shouldn't have had that bag chips, etc. I do not do well with deprivation. Out of all those attempts, I never changed my portions, never made sure to eat balanced meals throughout the day... when I did WW last summer, and lost those 30 lbs, I felt AMAZING. I started feeling hope again. But then some personal crap happened that broke me inside.. I stopped doing WW after 3 months and started slowly gaining half that weight back. I'm in a totally different place now, I'm ready to fix myself inside and out, and am preparing myself to make some huge life changes. I want to feel as good as I did 12 years ago, but... it just seems harder this time? Every time I hit 5 lbs lost, it just gets harder and harder to get to that next 5 lbs. The first 2 months, this go-around, weren't so bad, but the last month has been full of giving up on both exercise, and daily food choices. I WANT to get to my goal... but what the heck is that invisible devil doing on my shoulder sabotaging each move? How do you ignore that little voice that says you can just workout tomorrow (which always turns into another tomorrow), or eat a little bit of that stuff you really want (but turns into a LOT of that stuff)?

I deserve that happiness again.. the last 8-10 years has not been kind. I'm only 34, and I do not want to grow older and more unhappy until I'm that bitter old woman people steer clear of. I want my kids to experience me being fun, and joyful (even if I feel guilty that my oldest two are teens, and that I didn't do this sooner). You'd think that would be all the motivation I need, but... it's not? I walk through stores, excited at the prospect of never needing to wear plus-size clothing again, and can't wait to wear the styles I've always wanted to. I want to get all my piercings, and color my hair drastically (either red, or dark cocoa brown-almost black). I want to feel comfortable enough to go jogging, start dancing, and do bellydancing again. I'm only 40 lbs til goal, I could feasibly do all this before the end of this year, but.. ?

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I started writing this a few days ago, and the last 2 days I've been better about staying on-plan, but I decided to go ahead and finish it and post it... maybe someone else out there is feeling the same way I do?

If so, here's a virtual hug.

Dear girlsenberry,

You're not alone. We've all felt this way. We've all started, succeeded, and regained after quitting. I'm hoping this time I'm smart enough to not regain after reaching goal this time!

Why can't you reward your hard work with a couple of piercings or dying your hair now?

A big, virtual hug right back at you!

I think most people on 3FC have had a LONG history of diets, and plans, and good years and bad years.

I don't know that I'm yet afraid of being smaller. My smallest adult weight was about 225-ish, and I was pretty happy there. (Mostly, because I'd lost 100 pounds). I'm not sure that I will ever get to a point where I'm scared of being smaller, but since I'm not yet at that points, I cannot say!

I DO know, however, that you're not the only person here who's gone through weight loss and gain. Each time a lesson learned, and we're all just applying these lessons the best we can.

And more to you!

Mostly it's a money thing.. I'm just finishing up school and looking for work, but things are really tight right now. I know store hair dye is cheap, but my hair is so dry it's needs some good product and TLC, so I want to pay for a salon to do it. But two, I want them to be my final reward to myself for all my hard work (kind of like "the big reveal" on those make-over shows). And.. my "fat girl insecurity" makes me feel like I would look silly doing drastic stuff now. I hate that, and I should do it on principle anyway. lol

*hugs you tightly*

Been there, still am there sometimes. I had to finally admit that I needed other motivation and ask for help from friends. But also, I had a lot of personal and relationship stuff that had to be fixed and I dealt with them this year.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know you aren't alone and I can relate

Also, you may want to look into special effects hair dye.. its what I use. No developer, etc so its gentle (as long as you do it on undyed hair). Its got great colors (I've used the atomic pink, pimpin purple, electric blue, and wildflower... will be switching to blood red soon!)

OMG!!! I'm so glad I came back to 3FC!!!

I know exactly how ur feeling! Problem is all my adult life I have been big, and I can't remember how it felt to be "thin". I have been on a self induced pity party since February. And I can't seem to get out of the rut! I think my fear of what I'm gonna look like is a HUGE part of it (lots of loose skin now, I can just imagine when I get to goal!!!).

I'm only 60ish lbs from goal (lost around 140lbs)...WE CAN DO THIS!!!

Btw, thx for your post. Its nice to know I'm not the only one that feels like this!

I think many people bury parts of their personality, their self-worth, and issues beneath their weight, and these are things that are going to start coming up as that weight goes away. It can be frightening to be facing those things again.

You have been working hard, you are doing wonderfully. And the fact that you didn't quit when you are struggling, you are here talking about that mental brick wall you are feeling and trying to get past it, is such a positive sign that you can get through it this time.

I can understand that money can be tight and you want to save special things til later on, but I hope you can find a good way to reward yourself in the meantime because YOU DESERVE IT! You might need something sooner to look forward to, something that doesn't feel quite so far away right now. Motivation is a VERY powerful thing!

I needed this post again. I started WW in November and I have only lost 34 lbs total. I started off really well, but I haven't been doing the best lately. And right now, I feel like binging. I am hoping someone is on to chat with ASAP...