Are any of you like me? I consider myself to be a very disciplined person in other areas of my life - money, time, doing the necessary in the house, etc - why am I so undisciplined when it comes to food?
I am hitting my head against the wall tonight, at the end of another day of starting out thinking, today is the day. Today I will exert my willpower, plan well, say no, and instead I ate half of the french fries my husband bought for my son, finished off his chocolate bar (also bought by my husband) and didn't count my points.
I have often thought that food was my one vice, and maybe that's it. I don't give myself much enjoyment in other areas, so maybe it all comes out in this one. I am sick and tired of myself and my lack of control, especially when I see that I can control myself in so many other ways.
Oh, do I ever wonder why. Some days I am a perfect example of how WW should work... I eat within my points (consciously decide not to 'waste' points on junk food and actually eat quite healthy), I record what I've eaten, I exercise and drink enough water to float a boat... And then there are other days where I just don't seem to have control over anything - I just constantly put food into my mouth without even thinking... not once, not twice, but seemingly every time a morsel of food passes in front of my eyes, it then passes though my lips. Some days it feels as if I'm not even inside my own body - it belongs to someone else and they control the strings and I'm just along for the ride with absolutely no control whatsoever over what happens to me.
I haven't really pinned down the 'why' yet, though one thing is clear to me. It can't just be about the food. There are other reasons I haven't figured out yet why I do what I do. I can't be (mentally) ready to be the weight I (think) I want to be, or else I'd already be there. Something is holding me back. A lot of people in the same boat have said it's fear... as uncomfortable as they are being overweight, it is strangely comforting is some ways. They are afraid to lose that protective barrier and be thin... maybe because they're afraid no one will like them, that more (unwanted) attention will be shown to them, there are a million individual reasons, but it all comes back to basic fear.
I don't know yet what my reasons are, what I'm afraid of and why I keep sabotaging myself, but I am not giving up the program because I know I'd end up right back where I started. So... I keep trudging. Treading water, really... In my first 6 months on the program I lost almost 50 lbs and in the year since getting to that point, I haven't gotten any further. I go up a few pounds, go down a few pounds, but generally stay within the same 5 lb window. I have 50 lbs left to lose so there must be a reason why I'm having trouble getting over that '50 lbs lost' hump and can't seem to hurtle down the other side to where I've said all my life I'd love to be.
Little Engine
(I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...)
It sounds to me like you're being really, really hard on yourself. That's easy for me to say, though, I realize. I think you've made an important point in knowing that food seems to be the one thing you can't seem to control as well as you'd like (or possibly the one area where you, at least subconsciously, cut yourself some slack?).
It's hard for me to understand the fear factor in losing weight that Little Engine refers to, but I do know that some do suffer from that as their obstacle to weight loss success. I can totally relate, though, to having it so together in every way except for my weight. Since it's impossible to be in control of everything all the time, I think it's important to give ourselves certain areas where we don't expect perfection . For the all-or-nothing dieter (which I was), it means we have to learn to reassess the values of certain foods and have more patience with ourselves when we have a dietary lapse. It takes a lot of work, and I don't know how to magically say the words to make it happen, but learning to see food as simply food (and not "good" food or "bad" food) really helps to moderate intake. Day by day teaching yourself to incorporate all foods you love into your diet, without being overly restrictive, is very important, too. I learned it through journaling carefully (through "good" days and "bad") and watching myself become more resilient and better able to make choices in eating that came from a positive frame of mind. (And when I say a "positive" frame of mind, I'm referring to the attitude where I could honestly say, "I'm choosing this because it's good for me *and* it's what I want, because feeling this good is worth it," as opposed to the negative, deprivation-focused frame of mind ["look at what I *can't* have"] that puts the all-or-nothing dieter in that vicious cycle.) For me it was a painfully slow, re-training effort. I'm still not perfect and have my lapses, but I think since I don't expect perfection anymore I'm better able to stop myself from re-gaining it all (as I would have before). Anyways, I don't know if this helps, but maybe you can draw something of value from this. Hang in there! I've come to believe that weight management is the ultimate thinking woman's sport.
Last edited by Rupertsmom; 11-03-2002 at 06:40 PM.
Thanks for your kind input. I know that I am very much an all-or-nothing kind of person, that if I can't do it exactly right I want to give up. I try very hard to look at the big picture - it's not about doing the program exactly right every single day, it's about making good choices over a long time period - after all, it took me two years of small bad choices to get 16 pounds over goal! But still I struggle to not throw in the towel and eat mindlessly when I've gone over Points even by a little.
Today I will make small good choices and be thankful I am doing that much. And surprise! I stepped on the scale today and have lost a pound.
The first step would be to understand that food doesn't have any control over you - you have it all. You just give it greater importance in your life than you should, and you're stuck in a rut because of it. It's not easy to do, but it is, at least in part, an exercise in 'mind over matter' and convincing yourself that overeating just makes you look and feel bad. It can be done, and in order to do it you have to take charge and tell yourself you can do it. Over and over again, as many attempts as it takes.
Rupertsmom,
Thanks for such great insight. I'm browsing here for the first time in a long time and your words hit home. I'm glad you've had such success!
I consider myself to be a very disciplined person in other areas of my life - money, time, doing the necessary in the house, etc - why am I so undisciplined when it comes to food?
I not only understand where you're coming from, I AM YOU! I have been on and off program for literally decades. Currently, I've lost 26.5 pounds, but that's more because of a change in medication that seems to have decreased my appetite than it is due to my efforts.
I think, perhaps, that it's because we are so disciplined in the other areas of our lives that it's so hard to be disciplined in our eating. I know how you feel - eating sometimes seems like my only fun, too. I know that using food for fun will keep me unhealthy and fat. Sometimes, though, it seems I just want that temporary 'fun' fix more than I want to achieve my goals. For people like us - goal driven and compulsive - I think we just have to take the time to figure out why we're really trying to lose weight, and try to use that focus to evaluate whether that short term 'fun' is worth it.
As others have said, too, we have to figure out how to keep a reduced intake of food and smaller portions to be enjoyable and fulfilling. When I was most successful in WW, I made new recipes every week. I planned all my suppers, and ate frozen dinners for lunch. I felt more in control. Since being on this med though, I hesitate to plan like I used to, cause most days I don't feel like eating what I had planned a week in advance. I'll get it worked out, though, eventually!
Anyway, just wanted you to know you definately aren't alone!
I see a common thread here: perfectionists, that's what we are. We get so wrapped up in our careers, volunteer work and families that we don't take time for ourselves. We try to be everything to everyone. We're smart, we're hard workers, we care, we nurture everyone else ... but we put our own health on the back burner, and in the end that defeats or impairs our other efforts.
A few years ago, when I finally realized that my own health and quality of life actually mattered, I started the weight loss journey that changed everything. I took the time to plan ahead, to exercise, to educate myself about healthy living and attend meetings. I learned to say "no" every now and then to those who wanted a piece of my time! And I lost over 100 pounds, reached my WW goal, and have maintained it a year and a half now.
There were numerous plateaus along the way as I adjusted to the new "me." But I focused on the benefits I was already feeling, kept working the program, and it DID come off!
I could write a book about how good it feels to be a size ten instead of a 24, to be able to climb stairs without my knees creaking, out of breath. It was worth all the effort, and maintaining (which also takes some work) is something I know I can do the rest of my life. (As we all know, WW is a lifestyle change, not a diet.)
So keep on keepin' on, try to relax and enjoy this marvellous journey, take your time, and celebrate *yourself*!
Sending good vibes your way ...
Regards,
Jan
Do you ever wonder why?
I have been on and off program for literally decades. Currently, I've lost 26.5 pounds, but that's more because of a change in medication that seems to have decreased my appetite than it is due to my efforts.
