So I've been in this rut for about a month. Really I've put no effort into losing weight and am terribly ashamed about my eating habits over the past month. For those who know me a little remember I did that 10k at the end of April and since then things have been sliding downhill. I don't know if having that goal of doing the 10k was keeping me in check or boosting me emotionally, all I know is since then my eating has been horrific and my exercise practically nil. Oh I've been keeping active, going for the odd walk with the kids and in the pool but very little purposeful exercising, no walking on the treadmill or doing any strength training.
I've been avoiding the scale but weighed in this morning and sure enough have gained a little. I'm not going crazy over it because to me mentally what I've been doing to myself has been far worse than any number on the scale. I've been no better than I was a few months ago pre-op. Why did I bother having the surgery if I was just going to fall back into bad habits??
So I've had a good long think tonight about what's been going on and what I need to do. I won't tell you some of the horrible habits I've slid back into, I'm too ashamed for that but I know I need to start making some steps forward to get myself back on track.
What does sort of depress me all over again is thinking that this is going to be such a huge struggle all of my life. Is it ever going to be easier when I can eat like a normal person and not have to write down what I eat for the next 40 years? I think probably not. I'm trying to forgive myself but it is not easy. In some ways I feel so worthless right now.
Sorry to be a downer. I never did think for a second that WLS was going to be some magic process, I knew there was loads of work to be done, that things in my head weren't going to instantly change just because 2/3rds of my stomach was removed. I guess I am just at the point in the process where the honeymoon is over, I don't know, I really don't. I know I need a swift kick in the backside, that I've had this great opportunity and I'm wasting it. But I guess that is true of many things in life and not just WLS.
This could all be PMS, it seems to be affecting me more now as the weight comes off.
I haven't had WLS surgery myself but I understand that it's possible over time to undermine it with bad habits and put the weight back on again. I don't think you will ever get to be a truly 'normal' person who doesn't have to watch what they eat. It makes sense when you think about it: you were probably overweight to begin with for a bunch of reasons, few of them to do with the size of your stomach.
What I think is really excellent is that you have recognised you're falling back into the old patterns and are taking steps to get back on track. I know that's hard. Several years ago the same thing happened to me, and I regained 3/4 of what I lost . I sometimes beat myself up over it and feel despair as well, but it's more productive to channel that energy into positive change.
First, That 10K is a really big goal and I'm proud of you for reaching it! Maybe setting some other goals (5Ks here and there, or even setting your own 10K run date) will help.
Second, please don't beat yourself up. Your body really might have needed the break, kind of like a school vacation, and now playtime is over and it's time to get back to work. Nobody likes going back to work. It sucks. But it has to be done, and I can tell that you know that.
Being ashamed is a tool that can be used for harm. I hate that frustrated type-A feeling, where it's like "well, crap, this is not working, it was never going to work, screw it, I think I'll have another brownie. And some bourbon. And three cigarettes, and a hit of weed" or insert your personal vices here
Chances are, you got tired. It is okay to get tired. It is okay to fall down. One of my favorite drag queens says, "It's okay to fall down. You get back up, you look sickening (hot), and you MAKE THEM EAT IT." The "them" being everyone you want to see you as a success. Even you.
So you fell down for a while. Maybe you took a fall down nap. That is okay. There is nothing wrong with you. What you do now is, you set a goal. You decide it's a goal worth meeting. You get back up, you look awesome, you meet your goal, you make 'em eat it. Then you can choose whether to take another break, or set another goal. It's your life, and you have choices and control over what you do. And nobody can tell you that your choices are wrong. You get to decide that.
I'm glad to "meet" you. You sound like an amazing person.
What you said about "this could be PMS, it seems to be affecting me more as the weight comes off"? It's true. This could totally be hormonal.
My surgeon tells me that estrogen is stored in the fat cells. So as you lose weight rather quickly, or lose a lot of weight, what happens? You start crying at cat food commercials, is what happens. He has a patch available for women who need some hormonal assistance. I haven't called and asked for it yet but I bet I will. It might be worth asking your surgeon if something like that would help you.
imp - your surgeon sounds REALLY SMART!!! maybe we could all start heading for him!
Jen - wow. there's a lot going on with you. And, if you don't mind, I'm going to share some random thoughts and impressions. and believe me, i have no idea if they apply to you, but i know that they've applied to others [raising hand here!].
first of all, let's look at the impact the 10K had on you. my goodness! that was a huge effort and a huge accomplishment for ANYONE, let alone for anyone who's just recently had surgery. several years ago, i did a 5K run/walk [yeah, i walked - you KNOW i did]. the first and ONLY one ever. and my last. it was almost like i'd checked off that 'bucket list' item and was done, and now i don't have to do that again. i didn't really enjoy it.
but we gotta keep moving. I'd be lying if i said that exercising has been easy. OTOH, a few months after that, my life exploded [and not in a good way] with the alzheimer's mom deteriorating and then passing away and all the turmoil associated with her estate and being sued by a crazy woman and all kinds of other esteem-, soul-, and financial-destroying events. Still picking up the pieces.
but that's not really want I wanted to talk about. the point is that there will be ups and downs. some days will be better than others. some points in your life will be better as well. on some levels it DOES get easier to deal with - in the sense that we develop some degree of acceptance that this is our new normal. As imp's favorite drag queen said - get back up [sounds like La Treece Royale!].
the other big point is that i don't know of a SINGLE PERSON older than high school age who can eat anything they want in any amount and who can skip exercising without consequences. in short, the whole 'watch your food, and exercise thing' is actually THE NORM for everyone.
As DawnaJoy has always said [and i wish she'd come around here and say it more often!]: surgery levels the playing field for us, so that we finally have a chance at weight management as long as we follow a set of rules. The one caveat is that our rules are a LITTLE different than most people's [more protein, constant vitamins, and so on], but once i accepted that EVERYONE had to follow some rules or other, it brought me much peace of mind.
does that make it easier? yes. i no longer have to compare myself to someone who hasn't had the surgery. i no longer feel sorry for myself that i can't eat more than a little bit of something i really like.
so, all this to say, i guess, make peace with yourself [first of all!], and the fact that you'll make mistakes and pick yourself up. and then, it'll be easier to work on making peace with the choices you need to be making for yourself.
way back before i had the surgery, the only way i could lose weight was by focusing on self-hate. At one point, i could no longer do that. But it was really hard [and still is!] to control my weight out of self-love. a work in progress. and that's ok. really, it is.
so, sending you huge hugs and everlasting hope. we all need it.
You're doing so well so far on your WLS journey, and admitting to struggles and aiming to correct them before they take over and your weight gets out of hand is another great step. Getting BACK on the wagon is so much harder than staying on it once you're there, but never even trying to get back on is the ultimate failure.
I don't think we will ever be "normal" and not have to worry about our food/weight, but, as jiffy mentioned, not thinking about food/weight and not having an issues as a result isn't really the norm. My husband doesn't think about it at all. Ever. Fast food for lunch every day. The result? He's heavier now than when we met. No, he's not morbidly obese, but I would say he is slightly overweight when he hadn't been previously.
I had my baby 2 months ago and have since GAINED weight. I am right there with you on needing to correct some bad habits that have crept back into my life.
Well, you've identified the problem, if only partially. That's big. Maybe you need to set another goal for yourself?! Set those goals and use your family and friends (here!) for accountability. I wish you the best!
Thanks everyone for their kind comments. It has been a struggle getting back on that horse but I have felt better about myself these past few days than I have in awhile. I haven't been perfect but I've been better.
Jill - love your new picture, your baby is adorable! You are probably right about never being 'normal' when it comes to eating. I'm not different than an alcoholic except my addiction is food. When I can accept that I can probably get more control over it. I thought I had accepted it but maybe deep down I haven't yet.
imp - I am doing a 5k in October, really looking forward to that and as I want to run or jog it instead of walking I'd better get my butt in gear training because it's really only 5 months away!!
DES - thanks for your support! You are quite right about being overweight not really about the stomach but about the brain.
Jiffy - as usual you are right about everything! I need to make some peace with myself and accept some things about my life (like I'm a food addict), really accept it and not just pay lip service and say what I'm supposed to say, I need to learn to really live and maybe I haven't been doing that as fully as I should be.
Actually I"m of the opinion that you're having a very normal experience. Normal people do gain weight or fall off the nutrition wagon occasionally. The difference is people like me (us, whoever...) tend to stay off the wagon for a seriously long time or have never been on the wagon. Normal people figure out that they're aren't on track and make the adjustments necessary, some of us take years to get the hint. Am I the only one who thinks that what happened here is normal? I think you'll be fine, restart one decent habit for yourself and keep going slow and steady....its not a sprint....the beauty is you can make it anything you want it to be
OMG this past weekend was absolutely horrific. Saturday I was so depressed and upset with my husband all I wanted to do was eat. We went to McDs and I had a big mac. I was so not caring and just thinking I'd rather be fat and able to eat even though I know deep in my heart that it really does harm rather than good. Today I overate at lunch so much that I thought I was going to be sick to my stomach but I managed to not vomit. We went to Red Lobster at lunch, the girls from work and I had 2 of those biscuits, a cup of clam chowder and stuff mushrooms. I don't even want to think of how much fat and calories that way. Right now I am eating a pancake with syrup for supper. WTF. Honestly what am I doing? I have too many up and down days lately and I don't know why and don't seem to be able to figure it out. I really wish I knew what to do. I've had thoughts of just going back to 3 protein shakes a day, I do really well with that but then it is a matter of starting back on real food and working on those coping mechanisms. I wish I just didn't feel like such a failure with this. Thanks everyone for letting me vent.
Jen - i'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'd like to suggest [as gently as possible] that it might be time for some professional intervention. what you've described is self-sabotage. big time. especially since you're eating to the point that you want to vomit, which means that you're stretching your surgery. <eating disorder?>
please take a deep breath, and reach out to someone in your area.
Thanks jiffypop for your suggestion and it has been something I have been very seriously considering. I have my next follow-up appointment on Monday, I may ask about it then. I'm being very vigilant about my eating, my plan is to have a protein shake for breakfast and lunch and maybe dinner with carrot sticks and apples for snacks for the next few days, just to get a grip on my eating again. Today at supper I had a 3oz piece of leftover steak. I'm trying to decide right now if I am hungry or not. I'm pretty sure I'm not, it is just head hunger so I'm on the computer trying to keep myself busy! I may have a glass of skim milk and maybe some more carrot sticks or celery or I have some watermelon, those are all good choices. We'll see how things go over the next few days. I don't really want to go for counselling, when I have been before I didn't feel like I could really open up, I tried but I just couldn't do it. I don't feel like I'm quite yet at the bottom of the barrel where I could tell someone everything.
Jen - good. i was hoping you wouldn't be offended by my suggestion, and i'm thrilled that you're considering it. your surgeon is a great place to start - he should have some idea of counselors who have experience with this.
a couple of points. first one: often we're NOT hungry, but thirsty. so, before reaching for some food, try drinking something first and see if that takes care of it.
and the big one is this: sometimes it's not YOU in a counseling session that's not fitting right. it could be that the counselor simply wasn't the right one. It took me years to find one i could talk to, who would understand, and who would help me in the way that best suited ME. sounds selfish? it's not, really. Just as we don't click with everyone we meet and become really close friends, we're not going to work well with every counselor we meet.
so yes, it might take some time to find the right one, but don't let the past issues deter you. it's going to be really important to get a grip on why you're doing this to yourself.
think about what you'd say to a friend who was going through the same thing you are now. and then try applying it to yourself. we're usually more gentle with others than we are with ourselves.
I know what you mean about not finding the right fit with a counsellor. My dh was going to a counsellor but insurance only covered so much and he had to stop. Then he tried through the company my work deals with and he couldn't find someone he could connect with like his first counsellor and quit going. I did go for a session way back when and just very weird about it. It was just not something I could see myself ever doing again. No I sure wouldn't be offended by your suggestion. WLS fixes the digestive system not the brain and I didn't get to this weight because I have a healthy relationship with food!
You are right about the hunger actually being thirst, I don't drink nearly as much as what I should. I so hate water and I hate crystal light or any unsweetened or chemically enhanced fruit drinks. Okay so don't jump down my throat but I was drinking coke zero (that I didn't seem to mind even though it is aspartame) but then started wondering if there was something to what I've heard about even aspartame causing the desire for sweets. I stopped just to be on the safe side though it may have nothing to do with what I've been going through. Anyway I got on my treadmill for 1.5 miles, that made me feel better and now I'm going to have a cup of skim milk before I go to bed. It's been a good day, I feel proud of myself that I made it through according to plan. I'll take one day at a time.
Boosting myself out of the Depths of Despair
. I sometimes beat myself up over it and feel despair as well, but it's more productive to channel that energy into positive change. 
