[MissyK]

hi,

Please relate. I've seen so many doctors, counselors, psychologists about this over these past few years.

I'm 5 lbs away from my goal. But then again, I've lost a total of 88 lbs, if you count the fact that I've been dieting since I was 16. It was basically anorexia --> binge-eating episodes --> bulimia --> binge-eating...etc etc for 5 years! I'll be 21 on Tuesday.

I have self image problems, but I've learned to hide it. I can't stand looking at my body, still...and it seems I feel just as insecure regardless of my weight.

I've been binge-eating. I actually did hit my goal not too long ago but now I'm up again. My boyfriend's gone back to Germany in the beginning of November and suddenly I'm out of control again. I don't tell him these things, because my friends have told me how unttractive my insecurity looks. So I hide it.

My weight is always on my mind, I feel like it's increasing by the minute sometimes. Today was my grandpa's funeral, and I stood there worrying about the family dinner that we're going to have to eat after, even though I know I'll probably binge later.

I sat in class, writing an exam last Friday, and I started crying because I couldn't stop thinking about dieting and it was driving me insane. So I couldn't finish my test.

Just in case you're wondering...yes, I actually have depression...I've been on Wellbutrin for almost a year now and it's the only thing that works for me. I am more outgoing now, and much happier. Thing is...I still can't accept myself for the weight I am.

It scares me to think that I'll be seeing my uber-cute boyfriend in a few months, because I don't even know what weight I'll be.

I gain fast. I've gained 28 lbs in 3 months, last year.

Sorry this was so long...I just need someone to talk to.

[aud]

Don't stop with the counselling missyk . . . yes, wellbutrin is great, but the whole body image/insecurity thing needs a counsellor to address. If you didn't/don't like the one you have - shop around. Outside motivators (like uber BF's etc) never work for long. You've GOT to find a way to love you for you and to love that you at any size/weight.

ps: One more thing that helped me when I was younger was getting involved in volunteerism. Somewhere right now somebody needs you in your community. I volunteered to visit shut-ins thru our church at the time. It helped me to become less introspective/obsessed--wasn't weird or "Jesus-ey" at all. (There's a lot of wisdom to be had from the older generation. )

[wedded]

Missy, my heart goes out to you. (Please keep seeking counseling and make sure you get someone good. ) You're probably sick of talking to them, but it's the best way to heal the pain you're feeling. It sounds like your grandfather's passing could be a major stressor right now too. Keep working on accepting yourself and make that your first priority- even thought that's easier said than done. Hang in there!

[MissyK]

Aud,
Thanks for the volunteering suggestion - that's never occured to me. I'll be done exams soon, so I can look into that since I'll have nothing else to do.

Wedded,
Thank you for understanding the stressors in my life. I know you and Aud are right about the counselling, but everytime I talked to a counselor, more problems surfaced. I could've sworn, just a few years ago, my only problem was disordered eating. And that's why I'm afraid to go back.

[aud]

Good Luck with those exams missy and I hope you'll let us know how you're doing!

I'm tickled that you interpreted my advice about volunteering in the manner it was intended! Just a suggestion. I've obsessed over many things in my 45 years - weight/food being chief. Looking back, I seemed to have done/felt better when I was busybusybusy with OTHER peoples problems rather than my own, you know?

Whether that's healthy or not is open for debate, LOL!

I've never cared for the type of counselling that delves deep into childhood/analysis. What worked for me, in my twenties, was counselling that focussed on behavior modification. I had extreme anxiety! Severe panic attacks! Close to being agoraphobic! First round of counselling was a disaster - I panicked at the thought of even keeping the appointments-LOL! Luckily, I found a therapist (thru the college) that basically said "To **** with not getting that puppy when you were age 3" and taught me how to DEAL with what I was experiencing. Emotionally and PHYSICALLY.

In hindsight, behavior modification therapy worked for me until I reached 40 and early menopause. I'm so glad you Posted--its triggered memories that I can use in my current 45 yr old struggle for BALANCE! I'm remembering breathing techniques etc that I used for calm for YEARS - that have gone by the wayside until now!

See missy, you've already made a difference in someone else's life!

[Nikaia]

Missy, I'm sorry you're having these problems. As another person with depression, I understand more than you might think. I'm 21 and have had depression for over half my life. So I know at least somewhat where you're coming from.

I'm of two minds about counseling for you; on the one hand, delving into the past, once you get some good stuff done, can be really helpful. It can help you set demons to rest. I know it's scary right now, but think of it this way. You're searching for something on the bottom of a lake. Searching is going to stir up a lot of sediment and cloud the waters for awhile. But afterwards, it will settle, and things will be better.

On the other hand, I've had some successes with CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), which is what Aud is talking about. Perhaps you could discuss these options with your counselor? They're there to help you, after all. Tell them what you need and most will be happy to work with you on getting it.

[GR8 2B48]

Missyk, you have obtained a great achievement. Be proud of yourself for being 5 lbs. away from goal.
Please get the counseling you need for self-image. Behavior modification is very important.
Keep up the good work.

Wishing You All The Best
Denise

[MissyK]

You wouldn't believe how much a difference your posts made. A huge part of it was feeling like nobody out there understood. I've been accused of being self-deprecating so I could get compliments. That's the worst thing to hear, because I actually DO hate this and that about myself, to the point of social impairment.

Aud,
I SO hope, that in the future, I can think back at my problems, and how I've overcome them. You have an amazing attitude.

Nikaia,
Sorry about your depression. I hope you're seeking help too, because I know there are ways - at least medically - to make things more bearable.

Denise,
Thanks, if not for the weight loss, I think I never would have got most of my life back.

[aud]

I think it's neat that you reached out - it took me being almost housebound @ 22 to take some helpful steps. Nikaia's Post was awesome BTW - I think I was trying to say some of that - only in a rambling older lady way(?) ROTF!

As you may see, I dealt with a lot of the same feelings you are having with humor - sometime very dark humor. Have you tried that? I mean, right when you're getting ready to say something like "Do these jeans make me look fat?" to a "friend" who thinks you are fishing for a compliment etc---say it real goofy and sashay around the fitting room or whatever. NEVER try to make anyone else laugh - but really DO try to crack YOURSELF totally up. Use your imagination and visualize yourself in whatever your worst case scenario is and then go ahead and think something that will make you giggle like a LOON. This will help you lighten the heck up on yourself! It's really hard to be hyper critical of yourself when you are making an effort to MAKE YOURSELF LAUGH, you know?

Just some thoughts here late at night - returning to my 2nd shift tomorrow night.

I wish you all the best and will look forward to any updates on how you're doing missy.

[Nikaia]

Aud, that's a fascinating strategy! I may have to try that next time I start going "dark". Most of my humor tends towards the morbid, and it's not good for me. So I need to break that up. Thanks!

By the way, just a quick toss out there for you guys who have depression (of whatever kind). I'm a moderator on an absolutely wonderful depression support forum. It's called Wing of Madness. You may have heard of it; it's been running nearly 10 years. I've been there for almost 4. You can find the boards here. I have the same username on that forum, so if you register and want to talk, feel free to PM me either here or there.