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Old 09-24-2006, 01:33 PM   #1  
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Default I'm breaking down.

Everyone, I don't know what to do anymore. Something is really wrong with me. I wish I could get on a plane and fly to the other side of the world and just start a new life.
I've been on my antidepressants for about a month now and they were working pretty good, but this past week, it's almost like I wasn't even on them. All I wanna do is cry. to "crawl-under-a-rock-and-die"
My ex and I are still friends, he wants me to be his good friend. but it's hard. it's so hard because we don't even act like we've broken up. He's says he still loves me but that he has problems and things he needs to do before he can love himself so that he can love me the way he wants, they way he says I should be loved. We still hug and kiss (though the kisses are shy ones now)
I know I shouldn't be this close to him, I feel like I'm messing everything up and I will only make things worse. I asked him if he thought it would be better if we kept away from each other and he said "I don't know."

Little things are messing me up now. Stupid little things. like last night, I was so upset for almost no reason at all that I made myself sick. I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. And even now... after sleeping for almost 12 hours... I still feel weepy and helpless. it's like everything I try to do to make things better, only make it slip out of my hands a bit more. I don't know what to do.
I didn't get to go see my mother last week like I wanted, we had car troubles so the trip was moved to 2 weeks from now. I miss my mother so much, I really wish she was alright, because I know she would know just what to say or do to make things all better.
I keep having dreams that I'm dead or dying. I don't know if it's the meds that are doing this or what. I just want to feel better, but I don't know what to do. I hate this, it seems I need to work twice as hard to get half as far as everyone else.
I know things could be worse and I shouldn't be so upset, but I just can't help it. I don't know what I should do.
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Old 09-24-2006, 01:50 PM   #2  
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Sakai, my heart goes out to you as I read what you're going through. I'm so sorry you're experiencing these feelings. I wish I had advice for you. Where did you get the antidepressants you were taking? Have you talked to the doctor who prescribed them about how you're feeling now? I know very little about those kinds of meds because, quite honestly, I don't trust them and I think they're severely overprescribed. It saddens me that so many people are on them, but I guess they do help some people. I'm guessing you should talk to the doctor and go from there. It could be that you need a different kind of medication. I have a friend who has battled depression all her life and she's probably tried every med on the planet, but nothing has changed. That's just another reason for me to distrust antidepressants, but I don't deny they probably work when they're really needed.

The situation with your ex sounds difficult. It's tough when there's not a clear line about whether you're in a relationship or not. Maybe you need some time apart while he works on whatever is keeping him from loving you the way you should be loved. Otherwise, you'll keep your hopes up for more and when he doesn't give it, you'll be disappointed again and again.

Sorry to jump in like this -- I know we've never talked before -- but I just really hope you can feel better soon!
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Old 09-24-2006, 03:09 PM   #3  
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Sakai, LisaMarie is right on the money. You need to see your doctor. If you are feeling like this on antidepressants, I think you need a medication review. Soon.

I feel like you do as well, especially with weight loss. I feel like I slog away with very little result. I know I did fantastically well there for a year, but for the last year I just feel like I've worked and worked with no result.

But although the pounds might not have changed, other things have. My fitness, endurance, strength and stamina have improved enormously. I've lost a dress size. I feel better about myself.

As for the ex, I hate giving relationship advice, but being friends doesn't seem to be working for you. How about asking for some space for a while whilst you work out what you want to do. From the tone of your post, I take it breaking up was his decision, and I wonder whether he is trying to soften the blow by still being a bit physical. I found when I was in that situation, I needed a clean break.

Oh and I did move to the other side of the world, from Australia to England to do that!!!!
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Old 09-24-2006, 03:45 PM   #4  
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I'm planing on making an apointment to see the doctor on Monday. I need to anyways (4 week check up)
And yeah, I have a feeling that the only reason he's sticking around me is because he feels guilty for suddenly dropping me off all alone in a time when I need support. There are times that we hang out and really have a lot of fun without any depression anything being strange. and there are other times when he asks me to be with him when things are a bit rough. (for both of us)

Arg, The logical side of me wants to just go away and be by myself for awhile and let him plow through his own issues so i can better plow though my own. But the emotional side of me dosn't want him to think that I'm leaving him behind, that I don't care about him anymore. I want him to know that he can come to me for anything. Be it a hug or a simple change in the lull of his life.
But I guess that's the part that makes this so hard. I'm still running to him whenever he needs me, and yet he really can't come to me when I need him.

Gah! Kykaree I soooo wish I could move to Australia!! The beaches (I've never seen the Ocean)... not to mention the cute guys ^_~
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Old 09-24-2006, 04:19 PM   #5  
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You are not going to be able to start your life anew with the ex still right there.Cut him out of your life until you get yourself in order.Maybe someday you can be friends but I know you can see that isn't working right now.It is holding you back.Are you still in counselling?You need to keep doing it and talk to your Dr about how you are feeling.People can only help you to a certain extent,it has to be you to say enough of this I want to take control of my life.First and foremost say goodbye to the ex.,I bet when you do your shoulders will feel a little bit lighter.
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Old 09-24-2006, 04:45 PM   #6  
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Well, yeah, Sakai--I have to agree with a lot of what the other chicks have been saying.

Listen, this is going to sound harsh, but as a woman with many years on the planet I have found that there are very few men (like, none) who actually need my support. Seems like they have no problem picking themselves up, brushing themselves off, finding a new girl, new apartment, new job, and so on. So stop babying him, he will get along just fine--much better than you think. YOU are the one you should worry about. YOU need your support.

See that doctor. One of the side effects of anti-depressants is, oddly enough, increased depression, depending on the type you are using. This is really important!! Please check in after your appt. and let us know how it goes.

And if you miss your mother, can't you find a way to go see her on your own? Why should you have to wait 2 weeks. I hope you can find a way.

We are all rooting for you, Sakai, we really are!
Jay
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Old 10-01-2006, 11:44 PM   #7  
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Hi everyone. I went to the docter and had my check up. I told her about the issues I was having at the moment but she didn't seem very surprised. She just asked if I felt like hurting myself and whatnot.. I thought for a bit and figured.. no.. I'm sad.. stressed.. scared and hurt.. but I don't want to really do anything to myself. I did tell her that the antidepressants make me a bit dizzy but other than that I was fine. She did a check up to see if they weren't messing with my body too much and then sent me on my way.

I'm still having some issues. I'm feeling pretty stupid and mad at myself. but that's another story. @[email protected] Anyways. I just wanted to let everyone know that everthing seems to be okay for now. ^_^ thanks for all the support
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Old 10-02-2006, 03:33 AM   #8  
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I'm glad to hear things are going a bit better and that you are okay and safe.

Everybody here wants nothing more than to support you. I started about where you started on my weight loss journey. I remember hitting around 220's and feeling like I would never get anywhere and I almost gave up then. I tell you though, I'm glad I didn't give up then and I want to make sure you don't either.
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Old 10-02-2006, 02:15 PM   #9  
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Default I sooooo know how you feel!

I'm glad to hear you saw your doctor! My heart goes out to you as I read your initial post. I also struggle with depression and I have had complications with my meds. I know it's really tough to see it now, but there really is a light at the end of every tunnel. In my case, I've benefitted from the medication, as they bring me back up to a level where I even care enough to try to work out my problems. But real leaps and bounds, for me anyway, come from the work that I do with my therapist. It's very strange, too. We just talk, and she points out how my thinking is flawed by the depression, and I just try to be conscious of that when I'm going about my daily life. Then after a few months of work, I look back, and find that I really am improving! I reccommend therapy for anyone going through a tough time. It's helped me more than anything else has!

As for your situation with your ex... Sadly, I can completely understand what you're going through. I recently ended my engagement to the man I'd been dating since I was 14. (We dated 13 years!) In my situation, though I still love my former fiancee very deeply and I will always care about him, I knew that being friends right away would not work for us. There are too many disappointments and open wounds for that to work for us right now. So, we had a very clean break. I have not spoken to him once since our split. Not because I am angry at him or anything, just because this way makes it easier for both of us to heal. Maybe that's what you guys need too?

I hope you continue to feel better. Best of luck to you.
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Old 10-02-2006, 04:06 PM   #10  
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sakai View Post
Everyone, I don't know what to do anymore. Something is really wrong with me. I wish I could get on a plane and fly to the other side of the world and just start a new life.
I've been on my antidepressants for about a month now and they were working pretty good, but this past week, it's almost like I wasn't even on them. All I wanna do is cry. to "crawl-under-a-rock-and-die"

... I don't know if it's the meds that are doing this or what. I just want to feel better, but I don't know what to do. I hate this, it seems I need to work twice as hard to get half as far as everyone else.
I know things could be worse and I shouldn't be so upset, but I just can't help it. I don't know what I should do.

I am standing in your shoes at this very moment. I can't really offer advice. But please know that there are others' who feel like you do. Today, I start a new medication. We'll see how it works; the last one just wasn't doing the trick.

All I know for sure is that I do not want to go on living like this. It's just not worth it, to breathe simply to exist. If life isn't more than that, it's just not worth it. BUT DAMMIT I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
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