Its been a long time coming. He and I had it out over his life style choices. I tryed so hard to just keep my pie hole shut. I really did. I never wanted to hurt him. My DH is 5'11" 265lbs. Which is a bit of an improvement. He was up to 287ish just three months ago. He gains and loses the same 15 lbs over and over. Thats how the conversation started. We where coming home from date night (we have a 6 month old son) and Just chatting pretty generally. Somehow we got on my weight loss. I told him if he'd commit to some sort of plan that I could help him as I do all the cooking. He proceeded to blame me for the portions I cook (He wouldn't eat so much if it wasn't there) and the fact I buy him the bolgna he asks for....? MY fault? He's a GROWN man!!! He puts the mystery meat on the list..I buy it. Does that mean he should scarf 6 slices with 3 slices of processed cheese food every morning sometimes twice in one day? Only to come home and eat dinner in "phases" resulting in 6 or more servings? MY FAULT!!!!???? I must have misplaced the gun I have been putting to his head! Needless to say, IT WAS ON! I lashed out about the consistent Fastfood diet he maintains during lunch as I will not have anything to do with the stuff. I don't want the kids to have it much either. HIS choice. ASking him if he had any idea how many calories he probably took in in one day, or if he even cared. ( It upwards of 6K + at times...I've counted in private) I even told him, which we have discussed before, that he his matabolism and genetics work in his favor. He has been pretty athletic and thin most of his life with little or no effort. He has to make the decision to eat a whole lot of food to maintain his current weight. Which he does. At one point I told him (out of anger, regretfully) that I was almost positive he has an eating disorder and he needs to recognize it. Then work stress/hours excuses started. ALSO his choice. He's the freekin' boss!!! I said, "Make the effort, make the time, go to the gym (he used to LOVE the place), TAke an interest in your health and our future...I wanna keep you!" This went on all day yesterday. We both have extremely strong personalities. He ended up going on my jog with me, talking minimally as he was pouting, when he did talk it was to talk smack on my gait or speed ( I let him set the pace). I just took it and said I was just glad he was with me.
He has called me 3 times this morning. To say " I thought about what you said..." and "You are right about this..." and "I really enjoyed our run, I'm sorry I got so angry." If he understands I wasn't attacking him, that I am truly, deeply concerned for his health and our future and he can correct/improve just one of the negetive habits, it was all worth it. I geuss we will see.
I think this was something that needed to happen. It's great that you guys have started this...it's a turning point, I promise you. He knows he's not healthy. But nobody likes their faults pointed out. It was never going to be easy to have that discussion, but it's a good thing that you started it. Sometimes people just need that little push.
As for him blaming you, I understand your rage! My cousin's living with us, and she's gained 8 lbs since moving in. She blamed it on me, because I didn't force her to exercise or diet. I've asked her to come with me, but she said no so I didn't push it. Well, after she blamed me for her gain, I made her come to the YMCA with me and work out for an hour and a half. No mercy!
Sounds like everything's getting off to a good start. Just keep up with it. If he reaches for second helpings at the table, mention it! Talk about what the two of you ate at the end of the day...discuss workouts together. Basically, do for him what the website has done for you. I think it's awesome that you guys got to run together...maybe it can become a special thing between the two of you. Some extra one on one time.
Well, that's a fight we are going to have at some point, but I'm avoiding it. Isn't it amazing how MAD they can make you. (((Hugs))) I hope this opens a door to discussion for you.
Don't buy the baloney anymore. Only fix enough for a good serving for the both of you (no leftovers). He can't blame it on you then.
Really it is hard for peeps to accept THEY have a responsibility for their own weight issues. For example, we made dirt puddings for a classroom lesson this week (I didn't buy it..the teacher did, I'm the aide) and I ate 12 oreos!! It's my responsibility, not the teachers to avoid things I know are bad for me. My first inclination is to say going back to work is going to cause me to gain some of my weight. It will, but only if I let it! I am responsible for ME.
Word of caution: Just because you had this convo, don't put him in the spotlight about it. HE has to make the decision to lose weight. You can help, but you can't force it. In the end, it's HIS choices.
My dad would make comments, hide foods (and tell me it is under lock and key..instead of just not buying it), making me weigh, make me feel bad about my choices, etc. I became bulemic. My mom cooked good balanced meals, we had ONE positive conversation about making good choices and how many sodas equal a lb, and that you can eat A LOT of the good kinds of food (ie, dieting doesn't have to be restrictive). I lost weight. She never mentioned another word. My point is, you can help, but HE has to make the choices for himself. You can keep some temptation out of the house though.
IMO, it depends how long you have been eating healthy and being health conscious. I guess what I'm saying is that, everytime I try to quit smoking (which I am trying again now)I tend to starting ***ching at my hubby about him quitting. Until you have actually stuck with something for awhile, it justs sounds like nagging.
I hope this works out for you! Hoping that he has seen the light and knows that you only have his best interest at heart
I kinda bugged my DH about losing weight when I first started and he gave excuses too, mostly that he works so much and doesn't feel like exercising. He works construction, so I can't be too hard on him, but at the same time his eating habits are horrible. Now that he is seeing me be more active and seeing me lose the weight, and knowing how much better I feel........I think that will be motivation to get his butt up! He bought some weights for himself a couple weeks ago and got them out today.....keeping my fingers crossed.
Hi mom! LOL JK But you COULD be. My dad's upwards of 260 too. And bologna??? Don't get me started. ONLY Kahn's Club Deluxe for him at $2.99/lb. So I went out and bought him 2 pounds while I was visiting the other day. Mom was at work and dad just sits around with his diabetes and watches GSN all day long, then lays on the couch for a nap, can't hardly stand, and has the doctor order him a lift chair. So I bring back his 2 pounds...15 slices (he likes it on #15...which is about 1/4 inch thick sliced!). He asks me to make him 2 sandwiches with 2 slices each. Ok, that's 4 out of 15 slices, dad. You DO realize you just ate over HALF A POUND of bologna, dontcha? ::sigh:: My daughter said when she's over there making his lunch, she will purposely only fix him one sandwich with one slice of bologna. Guess I gotta start doing that and let him complain.
Hi mom! LOL JK But you COULD be. My dad's upwards of 260 too. And bologna??? Don't get me started. ONLY Kahn's Club Deluxe for him at $2.99/lb. So I went out and bought him 2 pounds while I was visiting the other day. Mom was at work and dad just sits around with his diabetes and watches GSN all day long, then lays on the couch for a nap, can't hardly stand, and has the doctor order him a lift chair. So I bring back his 2 pounds...15 slices (he likes it on #15...which is about 1/4 inch thick sliced!). He asks me to make him 2 sandwiches with 2 slices each. Ok, that's 4 out of 15 slices, dad. You DO realize you just ate over HALF A POUND of bologna, dontcha? ::sigh:: My daughter said when she's over there making his lunch, she will purposely only fix him one sandwich with one slice of bologna. Guess I gotta start doing that and let him complain.
your dad's name isn't Doug is it? Sounds like my father....
I am going to be late for work but had to write -- I was actually going to start a thread with exactly this subject!
As I logged in (with my DH's name as my password) I realize how very much I love him -- but he's the same as your DHs and DDs. I cursed him out this morning (maybe one of ten times I've ever done it in 33 years together) and told him that he didn't care about his family, that he can be as mad at me as he wants but I want him to live with us for a long time.
All I can see is me at his wake saying "I should have somehow done more to control his overeating." The same as I heard his family say when his mother died of lung cancer from smoking. He does exercise a bit (inconsistently) but still isn't convinced that exercise alone isn't enough to make him lose the 75 lbs. he needs to.
I am beside myself and seriously thinking of cutting out all sex until he loses at least 10 lbs. It's my only defense.
BTW, I lost 30 lbs. 3 1/2 years ago when my doc put me on BP meds at 47 years old. I was scared out of my mind, joined WW and realized that junk food, overeating and mindless eating are really not all they're cracked up to be. I honestly try not to nag or prostelize -- there's nothing worse than a former fatty my DH would say.
I don't nag my dh about his weight because I know how it was when my dad nagged me (counterproductive). I can see you love your guys though. In the end you have to find a different approach. Even then, none of it may work until THEY are ready to commit. It's hard work, and it is a very personal journey. I think showing them it can be done and showing them that it is FUN and they can eat the best kinds of foods may be the best way to go. It takes time. You didn't get there overnight. Neither will he.
I've been talking with my dh about these very things recently. His grandfather died from diabetes after having a leg amputated. His dad now has diabetes. He had two grandparents stroke out. So, his genetics aren't great. He's only 37 and can lose weight quickly still. Yet, he claims it's genetics that keeps him 60-70 lbs overweight (maybe more as he doesn't share his weight), when it's really his sedentary lifestyle, endless snacking, sleep deprivation, poor food choices, and 44 oz dr peppers. He also says that I have to help him. What?
He's the pickiest eater on the planet. The only seasonings he won't complain about are butter and salt. He spackles a sandwich with full fat mayo. It's crazy. I've spent YEARS learning about myself and researching diet plans and nutrition information. Why does he get the Cliff's notes, especially when he's so impossible about food? I can't cook low fat for him without him complaining. So, he's going to have to be on his own. I'm not sure just cutting down with do what needs to be done, but it would certainly go a long way.
Kateful--send him to a meeting. They will make him accountable.
I've seriously considered making him an appointment with a dietician so he can get some one on one counseling. Maybe a pro can make this puzzle come together because I know I can't. He needs to be able to describe to someone his work habits and his eating and exercise habits and try to make it all work.
What do you think? Anyone ever worked individually with a dietician/nutritionist?
Thanks for all the wonderful responses ladies. I, at the very least, don't feel alone on the subject. Just to answer a few questions.... I started my healthy eating path about 10 weeks into my last Pregnancy 1 year and 4 months ago. I had to finaaly face the scale at my 1st prenatal visit and was determined to deliver a healthy baby with the least amount of weight gain possible. After his birth I started serious weight loss. He's 6 1/2 months old now. This is NOT new to DH. He also knows how important it is that he and I give a positve example for my DS#1 to follow as he was about 20 lbs over weight and only 14. He has since lost 15 of those pounds and is 3 inches taller. As a matter of fact, DS#1 just came to me last week and said, "DH can't be the only one who is not on board!?" I told him I'm trying. As far as the nagging and harping, I will admit I have lost my patience with him. But ONLY after having multiple conversations of him professing to understand what he needs to change to only return to his previous bad habits almost immediantly. He also said its the worst to have a former fatty, its like having a recovering alcoholic preaching to you all the time.... My response is " I'm STILL fat and STILL struggling, why can't you be part of the solution not part of the problem?" I'm fortunate in the regards as he is not picky. He enjoys my low fat/light meals. Its just that he eats way too much of everything. I think he makes himself sick at times. He says " I just throw up, I don't know why." He's been to a DR. for it with no answer and when it happens he has eaten quite alot.
Update on our conversation, he immediantly started to starve. Having only chicken broth for dinner. He did this again last night. We taked and I told him I don't expect him to lose a bunch of weight or even live "Clean" I just don't want him possitioned directly toward a life of heart disease and diabetes. Just make improvements. He seems much better now. Not pouting so much. I know I hurt him but could I live with the fact I never tryed come the day he up and died?
Fight! HUGE fight w/ DH over weight.
It was never going to be easy to have that discussion, but it's a good thing that you started it. Sometimes people just need that little push.
No mercy!
