I am very worried about my 66 year old mother. She admits she is addicted to food and can't remember the last time she's felt hungry because she is always eating. She has already had breast cancer and is currently on medications for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and diabetes. She has gained so much weight that her ankles are swollen and her knees and feet hurt. She can barely walk, and in addition, my step-dad said she loses control of her bowels probably 2-3 times a week. I do not live at home, but my step-dad says that every day, she comes home from work, fixes dinner, and goes to bed for the rest of the night. She lays in bed and watches tv or reads while she eats a bag of potato chips or pretzels (my step-dad has confirmed this). So obviously she gets absolutely no exercise, even though my step-dad has offered to walk with her. I have tried ever since I can remember to try to get her to adopt a more healthy lifestyle, but she always has an excuse. It has gotten to the point that if I or my step-dad say anything to her, she gets furious or she shames us for hurting her feelings. So my step-dad has given up, even though he is worried about her too. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I'm close. She not a stupid woman and she has to know that she is killing herself. My question is: How do I convince her eat right and exercise without making her mad? I just subscribed her to the Overeaters' Anonymous' magazine. I'm sure that will make her mad and she may just throw it away, but I have to try! Any suggestions?
Last edited by lissylou73; 08-05-2006 at 04:27 PM.
This is a very difficult situation. It is so hard to try to help when someone does not want to change or simply doesn't have the energy to put forth. You might want to talk to her physician privately and have him talk to her. This way it won't come across as hurtful and coming from you. My mom was sick with many health problems several years ago and I tried to get her to walk with me and to eat healthy. (She had liver disease, CHF, Diabetes and High Blood pressure). She passed away and I sometimes feel guilty now for expecting too much of her when she was too sick. (I get it now since I have all the same illnesses that she had). Hindsight is 20/20. I do know now that losing weight did significantly improve my health and longevity. I wish she had been able to do the same. But, there is absolutely no way to make another person take responsibility for their health. My doctor is the one that got my butt in gear, maybe hers could do the same. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
Your story reads like a mirror to mine. My mom is 62, she has diabetes, high blood pressure, bad knee, and a BAD case of clogged arteries (she's had tests and 3 out of her 4 arteries are 100% blocked, so she's existing on one). She also has to take a nitro gylycerine mouth spray many times a day for angina (chest pain) when she moves around too much.
I WISH I had advice for you, and I don't. There is no answer. You can't force someone to see how much it hurts you to see this happening and you wish they would stop.
I now live on the other side of the country, I moved almost 2 yrs ago from where she lives. She came to visit me this spring after not seeing her for over a year. I thought this would be a chance for me to get her on a better path, since I'd be cooking the meals. When I first saw her get off the plane, her state of health hit me like a brick. She had gained a lot of weight and her face was so swollen her eyes were almost shut. It took me about 3 days to get 'over' how bad I felt about this. I struggled to even sleep and couldn't let on to her how sad I was. I didn't want to ruin her visit for her.
I cooked only the healthiest meals I could think of while she was here, for myself and for her. Chicken, salad, etc. After a couple of days she complained. When we went out to eat she would order sugary deserts! I would tell her she should not eat it, and she'd get angry. After trying for a couple of weeks, I finally just asked her straight out why she was choosing to do these things, and she plainly told me that life was not living if she had to follow the rules that she should follow. She said that if it is her time, then it is her time. She told me that she has given up. I told her I wished she wouldn't give up, but she told me it was what she wanted. Hard to hear that.
Also I tried a couple of times to get her to exercise with me. She's unable to do much, because she's really in THAT bad of a condition that exercise would be harmful, but I suggested Tai Chi. "Not right now" was the answer, and I never got her to do it.
I really wish I had some suggestions for you. I feel your pain, and I really do understand where you are coming from. I saw what lillybelle posted above me there and I agree.. if there is any one slim chance that you could go to see her doctor, try it. They may or may not be willing to talk to you about her though. (that doctor privacy thing) But it is worth investigating.
~ Angie
Last edited by Abbeycat36; 08-05-2006 at 04:38 PM.
I would also agree with the other gals, this is a hard one to deal with. My grandmother is also in her 60's and she finally went to see a doctor after not having been to one in almost 15+ years, her excuse: everyone said the doctors in Oregon are terrible??? Well she went to the doctor and she has high blood pressure, diabetes and later found out one artery is 100% clogged, one 80% clogged and another 90% clogged. One doctor wanted to do a bypass immediately but another has put her on medication to see if they can get her heart stronger before surgery. From what she told me I am reading between the lines on this and it sounds like the doctors don't think that she would make it through surgery. She was also told to lose some weight and the diabetes would more than likely dissapear. She talks about getting into better shape and eating better but her house is full of chips, cookies and doughnuts. Her idea of fruit is strawberries covered in whip cream. Her and my grandpa eat out every other night if not more. She is really into me losing weight and talks to me about how I do it but she just isn't doing anything about her weight. It makes me sad, but keep being supportive and maybe tell your mom how much she means to you and you don't want to lose her so soon. Maybe that might be a wakeup call??
Hugs to you Lissylou73. I can feel your pain & sorrow. I've no advice to offer, but my best wishes are with you & your mom & others out there who must watch their loved ones suffer.
mom2cole:
It's so sad, isn't it. Life isn't over til it's over, at least for me - I have some fighting power left in me. Maybe your grandmother has not given up yet and she may come around, I hope.
For my mom, they told her she would not be eligible for a bypass. Her arteries/veins are too narrow for any instrument they currently use for the operation to clear the arteries, and they said that the chances she would have a heart attack while under for the operation would be too great and they refused to take the risk. That was when I think my mom decided she didn't care.
If you are interested, look on amazon for a book called "the nutritional bypass". I bought this for my mom and tried to get her to read it and follow the suggestions, she said it's hogwash and was not willing. Maybe your grandmother might be.
You can't help her. My dad's the same way. And honestly, the more you try to help her, the more damage you're likely doing. I notice that trend whenever I bring up the subject with dad...that he purposely seems to head straight for the junk food the moment anything is said. It simply triggers their "I'll show you" mentality, or depresses them even more than they already are about their problems that they WANT to change, but don't have the willpower to do so just yet because they don't want it badly enough.
We all know what it is/was like to want to lose weight but constantly going on yo-yo diets, until that moment we had the lightbulb go off...THE defining moment where our wants finally met up with our willpower, where our desire to lose was great enough to make it a reality. It's the same for your mother, for my dad.
The best way to help is to say nothing and help by being an example only. Exercise in front of them. When I visit my parents, I STILL exercise. Dad will watch the baby while I run to the neighborhood Curves. Or when the baby takes a nap at their house, I do laps up and down their stairs with my daughter's leg weights. I've already motivated her in small doses just by being around me and wanting to get down to the smaller size herself. At 68, dad's not worried about body image, but he sees me keeping up with a baby at 41 and constantly on the move and maybe he'll want that energy and to get to a more fit level. So maybe that will be his motivator. But he certainly won't get it from me bringing it to his attention.
If you can cancel that subscription, I'd do so. If you visit their house regularly, take over an exercise video or two to use while there then just leave them lying there to use each time you're over. Maybe mom will see them enough to get her own motivation. Take over a couple hand weights or something to use and leave them in a prominent place. Offer to help out by picking up groceries and opt for some healthier choices. Or, as I do, buy some things you would normally eat to stock in their kitchen for when you're there. Maybe mom will start nibbling on them.
My step-dad and I have talked to her doctor because we all go to him. We tell him and the nurses any time we're there for our own appointments that she lies to him (she tells him she exercises and eats right). But we let them know that none of that is true. How do I talk to him again? Do I call his office and try to talk to him? Or do I make an appointment for myself just to talk to him about what to do for her?
I'm sorry to hear that others have this problem with a loved one as well. It is so frustrating to sit by and watch that person basically kill themselves. At this point I don't believe that my mom's arteries are clogged, but then again if they are, she probably wouldn't tell me.
I ordered that magazine online, so I don't know how to cancel it. I'll just keep the subscription, because maybe it will have meal and snack suggestions. Like I said, I have to try. I really don't care if I make her mad, because she'll get over it. I just don't want to ever hurt her feelings. I hope I am not coming across as being mean. I'm not asking her to run a marathon or completely overhaul her diet. All I'm asking is that she knock off the junk food and walk around the block a few times everyday. I'm not perfect myself. I love to eat, but I try to eat the right things. And I go to the YWCA 2-3 times a week. But I am by no means perfect. I could stand to lose about 15 pounds, but when I talk to her about my weight, she says I am obsessed.
Thanks to everyone for their kind words and prayers!
What I worry about is that you won't just "make her mad", but that you'll actually add to the problem. When we're mad at someone, we all do things that we know will specifically upset/hurt them. Her eating junk is upsetting you. So when she's mad, what do you think she'll do? Pushing her to do what she doesn't want to do may ultimately only make her do the opposite that much more.
MY MOM NEEDS HELP-long!
