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Hi everybody,

I have a story to tell. It's long, sad and unfortunately based on true events that occured last night.

I was fixing dinner for my son and I and I was almost done when the doorbell rang. It was one of my father's oldest friends (I'll call him Vic) and I've pretty much known him all my life. He's in his 50's-60's and a portly man (about 16 stones/224lbs). He's generally 'surface-nice' but he's one of those people who likes to preach about things in general terms (in my case, my weight) and knowing this, I decided to eat my dinner once he'd left, so I only put food out for my son. The reason I don't like eating in front of him is because he's one of those people that believe that if you're over 300lbs, you have no business eating anything whether it's healthy or not. I was in good spirits and I wasn't in the mood for drama.

Anyway, Vic came in and proceeded to converse with my parents. I kept my distance and stayed in the kitchen for a while. Then I suddenly thought 'This is stupid - you're 25 years old and you are your own person. You can handle whatever he'll say.' Boy, was I wrong.

Almost as soon as I entered the living room he started his attack. America's next top model (update) was on at the time (important later). Now, Vic is also one of those people who'll put you down in the sweetest of tones - ****, when it's all over he'll even hug you as though he's given you the world's greatest piece of advice. He said everything from 'I bet you can't exercise being so heavy - you'd probably break the machine!' to 'Wow, you've even got stretch marks on your arms!'

He said that it must break my heart watching shows like ANTM knowing that I'll never be that skinny. He told me that there was no point in me attending university because once I graduate, nobody will hire me at this size.

He then went on to tell me how to lose weight...:rolleyes:

All this took place in front of my parents and my son. My mother occasionally chimed in, agreeing with him. My father said nothing. All my life my parents and I were never close. I mean I'm closer with my Dad than my Mum, but we're not as close as we could be or should be. My Mum has been calling me fat for as long as I can remember even though she weighs 18 stones/252lbs. My son (who could see I was upset) stood up for me saying 'My mum walks me to school everyday for exercise'.

It seemed like he went on forever...all I could do was sit there in disbelief trying not to cry. For the finale he demanded to know what I weighed. I was in stunned silence until my mother decided to tell him...he made this face - you know that 'oh-my-god-I'm-so-disguted' face.

I don't think I have ever felt so low in my entire life and to be honest, I completely sabotaged my healthy eating plan today. I binged worse than I ever have. And I wonder how I am going to be able to continue this journey with people like this - people that I inevitably have to cross paths with on a regular basis - in my life. I fell apart today. I let this guy tell me that what I am doing isn't good enough. I let him make me feel worthless. And I don't know what to do except cry.

Some people are toxic. Avoid this person in the future. Take your son, leave the house, go for a walk, go for a drive, go out for a frozen yogurt cone. Go to your room, read "good night moon" to your son. This person doesn't deserve your presence, don't let him have the power to hurt you again.

Oh ps - 98% of women would never be skinny enough for America's Top Model, that's a bizarre, specious argument on his part. *******.

Thanx Glory. I just don't know why people sometimes go out of their way to intentionally hurt others. I am trying to forget his comments, but it'll take some time.

Hey Amy,

I had a mother's friend that was constantly like this- not rubbing my weight or anything- but just saying really annoying **** that wasn't any of his business. And he'll say it in the nicest tone also. That doesn't make it any better than if he said it in a mean tone. If he said it in a mean tone, I wouldve gave that ******* the hand and left. It almost seems as if people like him have absolutely nothing to do other than to pick others who they think are easy targets. You don't have to deal with his crap- get your kid outside and play some ball. If he asks for your weight, you tell him, its none of your business and you can try asking me til the cows come home and I won't give you one damn digit. I don't understand the point of picking on someone. It doesn't actually help. In fact, the next time he;s with your parents and your mom chimes in to agree with him, you ask the both of them, is this sh*t that you're doing actually going to help me? Better yet, just pick up and leave. Don't even say hi. He's rude, why should you be so nice?

As for the America's top model- I checked out the "before" studio pictures and some of them have my build- nothing worthy of modeling because everyone gets airbrushed in the end anyway.

Chin up, girl, You can do this.

PS darling: each time you binge you let him win because he originally made that assumption that you could never overcome this.

Added: Your mum's not so skinny herself.

I agree, what an *******. Next time tell him you're doing fine on your own and you don't want or need his advice. I'd probably tell him to stick it where the sun doesn't shine, but then again, I'm not very nice when someone's insulting me to my face. Leave the house when he comes over again, you don't need to listen to that. :hug:

This has made me so angry. What gives this man the right to make my friend (your my friend now by the way) feel like that???

I love the quote and I don't know who to attribute it to:- "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission"

It takes time and practice, but you can get to the stage where comments are water off a ducks back. You know the truth, that your overweight but are doing something about it!

I notice from your 100 club profile that you are doing Slimming World? Are you attending the classes or doing it from home? If you are doing the classes is it something you can talk to your leader about and get some in real life support?

Oh and have you visited UK Fat Chicks?? http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=75

Hugs

Kylie in Manchester

[QUOTE=kykaree]This has made me so angry. What gives this man the right to make my friend (your my friend now by the way) feel like that???

I love the quote and I don't know who to attribute it to:- "no one can make you feel inferior without your permission"

That's one of my favorite quotes too, it's by Eleanor Roosevelt. :) Amy - so sorry you had a bad evening. :hug: I agree with whoever said this is a toxic person. Something I've learned only in recent years: it's ok to completely avoid a toxic person. you do not owe anyone anything; you do, however, owe yourself and your son something. Respect. He doesn't need to see you being talked about like that. And you don't need to hear it either. It adds absolutely nothing to your life. I would say don't see this man anymore. You can be very polite, but be very upfront in your reasons for not seeing him. And I think it's also a good idea to tell your mom what kind of behavior you will and won't accept. Again, I'm sorry you had to go through this. :hug: Tomorrow is a new day. :smug:

It's Eleanor Roosevelt. And I love it, too.

Amy, I'm so sorry this happened to you. That's terrible. This man really needs to be put in his place. Tell him to piss off. If you cant do it and be firm about it (that you wont ever listen to him talking about your weight again), then you should definitely avoid him. Dont put yourself or your son through that again.

There will always be people like that. Dont let them win. Tomorrow's another day. Start again.

Shawna

he's a desperate *******...
of course you mustn't let him win feeling inferior...
you're not, you know it, you're better, a lot better than him, and he probably knows it and it's why he's so creep...
next time...if you can't go out...use the same thecnic: surely he's got a lackness...something not perfect...keep on saying with the sweetest voice how probably he's sad because of....that you're so sympathising with his lack of...remeber...you must have a face disgusted as you're sniffing a rotten egg...
if he starts saying something about your weight you can always say that you can live a nice life/that you can do something about.
but he will never be able to do something about his dumbness...

What a huge prick!!! What makes people like this feel they even have the right to sit in someones house and just do that! In future avoid this human garbage like the plague! If your parents invite him over, just state that you will not be joining them, and find something else to do with your son. If you are in a position to move anytime soon, do so. I personally would not entertain someone in my house that would insult a member of my family. But what the others said was true, this guy can't get to you inless you let him. Your weight will change you are here and doing something about it, his kind of ugly just lives on...

<<<<hugs>>>

Just curious... but it sounds as if you are living with your parents. If you are 25 years old and their behavior is not acceptable... why don't you move out and live on your own? Maybe you are and were just visiting... in which case why on earth would you put up with that and not say "see you later" and leave?

Amy, I'm so sorry this happened to you. :hug: What a pig that man is!! :mad: I'd be inclined to get angry with him, but my psychiatrist would say, "The next time he comes to the door, tell him he upset you terribly during his last visit, and that you would appreciate it if he would cease to make comments about your weight." If he doesn't concur, don't put up with his company any more.

Your son is a sweetheart... he shouldn't have to witness insults against his mom. :grouphug:

What an awful, insidious, cold hearted bast*#&. He isn't worthy to breathe the same air as you. You know, I've found that most men who are nasty like this are insecure and covering up some inadequacy (and it's probably in his pants). He is so obsessed with size, isn't he? Well that must be it. Next time say this to the jerk: "Well I'm sorry you are so bitter because your penile enlargement didn't go as well as you hoped it would go, but that's no reason to be obsessed with MY size."

And your mum is a hypocrite.

And I'd rather be fat than live with an ugly heart.

Amy, I'm so sorry he made you feel bad. :hug:
Hang out here at 3fc with us and be strong. Don't let an idiot stop you from becoming a healthy, fit chick!

It truly blows me away that some people can be so heartless. Honey, you are 25 years old, you are at the beginning of a long journey called life. Live it happily and healthy. You have time to get this weight off, and you will. Continue living for yourself and your child. If your mother is not supportive, then simply love her for what she is able to offer you right now. She also must be dealing with alot of the same feelings that you are. It is sometimes easier for some people to agree with hurtful statements about someone else when the statements also fit themselves. Please do not give anyone or anything (food, etc.) power over who you are. Stand tall, girl, you are defined by your heart, not your weight!

Barb

Thanx guys :hug:

I really appreciate everything you've said. It means so much to me that there are people here who actually understand what I am going through. Misti, I'm actually in the process of saving for a place for my son and I. A long time ago, I decided that moving out would be the best thing for me - you know, o get a little distance from the toxicity. I think that because I've literally grown up around it I feel that I can't fight them...

I struggle everyday, trying to see the good in me (weight aside) and love myself and it really is hard and it's worse when you hear someone else verbalise such negativity. The worst this is when I was at my lowest point, I used to beat myself up and pretty much hate myself. Other days, I think 'My goodness, it's just weight, it's not what makes you you' and then people like him just stamp all over my newly-found self-esteem.

Kykaree, I was a member of a slimming world class about a year and a half ago, but I stopped going because my Mum used to come with me...she said it was for 'support'. It didn't really go down that way, so I left.

I still have all my books though and I follow the plan at home. I use the magazine to keep me updated on all the changes. Now that I have my own car I'm thinking of rejoining a class or doing it online so I have access the syns online calculator.

You guys have made me feel so much better and I really appreciate everything. You guys are stars! :)

Thanx guys :hug:

I really appreciate everything you've said. It means so much to me that there are people here who actually understand what I am going through. Misti, I'm actually in the process of saving for a place for my son and I. A long time ago, I decided that moving out would be the best thing for me - you know,to get a little distance from the toxicity. I think that because I've literally grown up around it I feel that I can't fight them...

I struggle everyday, trying to see the good in me (weight aside) and love myself and it really is hard and it's worse when you hear someone else verbalise such negativity. The worst this is when I was at my lowest point, I used to beat myself up and pretty much hate myself. Other days, I think 'My goodness, it's just weight, it's not what makes you you' and then people like him just stamp all over my newly-found self-esteem.

Kykaree, I was a member of a slimming world class about a year and a half ago, but I stopped going because my Mum used to come with me...she said it was for 'support'. It didn't really go down that way, so I left.

I still have all my books though and I follow the plan at home. I use the magazine to keep me updated on all the changes. Now that I have my own car I'm thinking of rejoining a class or doing it online so I have access the syns online calculator.

You guys have made me feel so much better and I really appreciate everything. You guys are stars! :)

There will always be creeps in the world, you may never have a fantastic relationship with your parents, there will always be emotional and physical obstacles to overcome. So, I think the lesson to be learned here is WHY this situation led to a binge. Figure that out and you can reach your goals despite things like this happening. My experiences may or may not apply to you but I'll throw it out there in case it will help.

There was a time I would have reacted to that situation the same way you did - stuffing my face with anything I could get my hands on. Then I realized (what others have already said) that binging didn't solve my problems or make things better. In fact, a binge ALWAYS made things worse. So, I put some thought into why I might binge because someone/something else upset me. You know what? I didn't go off plan, binge, or stop exercising because of something someone else said or did. I didn't give up because the rest of the world didn't believe I could lose weight. No. I binged and stopped exercising becasue I WANTED to. Any negative event just gave me the excuse I needed to fail without having to take responsiblity for it. Once I accepted that losing weight was MY choice, MY responsiblity, and MY obligation it became seperate from everything else that went on in my life. I never once gave up a weight loss plan because other people didn't believe in me. I gave up because I didn't believe in me. Nobody OWES me their support.

Ever since that light bulb went off things have been so much easier. I still slip up and make bad choices sometimes. But they are MY choices - not somebody elses. I can live with that.

And you know what? You'll find all of the support in the world right here. You CAN lose weight, you DESERVE to be healthy, happy, and feel good about yourself. So, ignore the jerks of the world!

Can I just add that you are raising a fantastic son? How wonderful for him to stand up to a bully for someone he loves!

That man in question is a bully and a jerk. Do not let him get to you. He is obviously miserable and the only way he can make himself feel better is to pick on someone else. I would feel sorry for him but I don't care to waste my energy.

You are making wonderful choices in your life, for your health, your son and your future. I have no doubt you will find (and are already finding!) success, and that success will be on YOUR terms and how YOU define it, not what that #*&$*(&@$( thinks is good or worthy.

Yeesh. What a jerk.

Oh Amy,

Truly my heart breaks for you! God love your son, for speaking up! How awful that your parents consider that big mouth jerk a friend! Somebody said the man was toxic, what a perfect description!!

While I agree with the support you have been given so far, sometimes it is easier to say someone cant hurt you with words, than it is to make it true. I know for me I had a really hard time with this at first. But it gets easier, now when someone does something like this to me either I get out of the situation, or use it as motivation. When you do your workouts think about how nice it will feel to se him when you are at your goal weight and he is still a miserable old man.

While it may be tempting to stoop to his level and insult his life back, don't it only breeds negativity. Instead be as nice as you possibly can to him (trust me it gets to be fun confusing people) show him that he has no effect on you.

Amy, I'm sorry you had to go through that. I had the same reaction as a lot of women here, that that guy deserved a big kick where it would hurt the most.

really true. it's maddening and sad at the same time that bullies usually are good at honing in on people who have a harder time defending themselves.

I agree too that you've raised a great little boy. He sees in you what you have a hard time seeing. That you don't deserve to take that kind of abuse from anyone, including your mom. You have the right to speak up for yourself (or walk away) whether your 600 lbs or 150 lbs. It's something I'm not always great at (despite living in Brooklyn, where people don't have much of a problem saying what they feel, heh heh).

One thing I have done is to imagine the situation and what I could have said: really, that's enough. I'm not interested in sitting here and having you abuse me, especially in front of my son. You're not convincing me you have my best interests at heart when you insult who I am.

The more you say that to yourself, the more you'll feel it to be true. The more times you calmly and firmly say it to the bullies in your life, the more likely they'll get that they won't be able to pick on you.

Hang in there!!!

My thoughts, exactly!

Unfortunately (and I know this through experience), family isn't always the healthiest group to be around, either. It sucks that neither of your parents will stand up for you in this situation. I've had situations where my parents haven't stood up for me and it is hurtful.

I hope you can find a way to move away from them. Adult parents and grandparents are most often best experienced from afar.

Amy – I totally agree with everyone else here – that man is a jerk and you should try to avoid him. The question is, knowing that he is a jerk, why did his words hurt you so much? The reason is possibly because part of you believes what he said is true. We are told from the time that we are young girls that thin is good and fat is bad. The images, the messages – they all say the same thing. If you are fat, especially if you are really fat, then there is something wrong with you. You are defective, you are unlovable, you are disgusting. With these messages constantly being forced upon us, it is almost impossible not to internalize them. I spent SO many years hating myself and feeling utterly worthless because of my weight. I believed I was disgusting and unlovable and pushed people away for most of my life.

Don’t believe it. Fight back mentally and find your strength. That man, and anyone else who is nasty and negative shouldn’t have any power over you. Don’t let them win - prove them wrong. So you turned to food for comfort that time – so what. Forgive yourself and move on. It will probably happen again – but less often. The best advice I can give is to find a support system like this site or a local group that can help rally around you when times are tough. They will be tough, but with somewhere to go and people to talk to you can find ways to work through just about anything.

:hug:

This makes me totally sad to think about what you went through. I used to have some people in my life that thought it was their duty to tell me how fat I was everytime they saw me. It's hard to stand up to these people. I know. If I were you, I'd try to avoid him at all costs or stand up for myself. My own sister was the worst at rubbing my weight in my face. She even tried several times to sabbotage my dieting efforts. It didn't work. I would just ask him what concern is it of his, how much you weigh. Then inform him that it is none of his business. Once someone is put in their place, they usually STFU.

There are two ways people deal with others -- one way is when they see someone doing "better" than them, they view the person with admiration and respect. The other way is to tear them down so they feel superior relative to that person. Vic is in the latter category. OBVIOUSLY you are doing something positive, and feeling good about yourself. He is not. His response is to tear you down to his level. You can't control these people, but you can control your reaction to them. ANYONE would have a good cry about it and having a binge eating response is absolutely normal. BUT you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. It is like saying "Yeah, Vic is right. I'll show him. I'll eat this ENTIRE cheesecake. That'll get him. And AFTER, I'll feel even worse about myself, which is RIGHT because I'm NOT WORTH THE EFFORT". These are the messages you are telling yourself.
I think you heard a friend of yours say this about herself, you would be outraged and mad at her because you care about her. Love yourself like you do your friends. You wouldn't want your friend to self-destruct. And, you are your own best friend.
SO, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start over, realize that weight comes and goes and is ultimately within your control! AND, in the words of my personal hero, Judge Judy, "Beauty fades, but DUMB IS FOREVER", and honey, Vic is definitely DUMB!!!

Amy, yah I certainly understand how hard it can be to support yourself financially, especially with a child to care for. Sometimes we just have to make the best of the situations we are stuck in.

Next time something like this happens why not just smile and make some lighthearted comment -- "I'll see you later when you learn how to be civil" etc... but say it with a LAUGH... and take your dinner and your son back into your bedroom and watch TV together or play a board game, etc. Don't let them get to you and for sure DON'T pig out in "revenge" as you are only hurting yourself. Then come here to 3FC and let it out of your system LOL. :)

I've read and re-read all of your comments and thoughts and over the past few days I've practiced venting in other ways (non-bingeing ways) and I lost another 1.5lbs despite the binge the other day. I feel much better because I think I have a chance at controlling it and ignoring negativity. It's coming off a little at a time and I think I am more focused now. Thanks again for all the support. I'm so glad that one binge didn't turn into ten and ruin my efforts.

Amy, I'm so glad for you. That is huge. :) Keep practicing... the more you do it, the easier it gets. And congratulations on the continued weight loss! :hug:

Amy - That jerk is obviously a very insecure person who feels that he must put someone else down to cover up his own inadequacies. Until you are able to move out, try to avoid him like the plague.

I'd be so taken aback by such a rude comment that I probably wouldn't think of a zinger comeback until about two hours later! It's probably best to avoid him altogether. I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs and then if I get in an uncomfortable situation I stuff down my feelings with food. I find it easier to just avoid certain people. I really envy those who can make a quick comeback and don't take garbage from anyone!

Your son sounds like a real sweetie and it was brave of him to stand up for his mum like that.

It's great that you've been able to get back on track and have started losing again. We're all rooting for you! :hug:

Amy, you've already gotten lots of wonderful advice from all of the terrific ladies here. :hug: :hug: :hug: from me.

I'm happy for you that you're back on track. If you need a buddy to vent to, let me know.

Amy no human being should ever behave that way toward another, that is sick. I just cant believe my eyes.
PLEASE do not allow this man to talk to you about yourself again. If you do hang around when he comes over, the MINUTE he says anything negative about you, calmly get up and leave - dont wait for him to even finish the first statement. You might even lean over and whisper to him, "you're abusive" first. Whatever, just do NOT listen to it, do not allow him to talk to you. Take that away from him.

And if that happened with my mom, I would use it as motivation and get to where I weighed less than she, lickity split.

I totally understand financial constrainst making it necessary to live with your parents and I am so sorry that that situation forces you to be in a place where you are not treated as you should be. You deserve to build your own nuturing space with your son.

If it were me, I would draw a scale and say to my mom "point to me on this scale how bad you want me to feel about myself. Here? here? What sorts of things do you think you should say in order to make me feel that bad? What do you think will happen when I feel that bad? That Ill change? but Ive already changed. So that cant be the goal. What is your real goal? Do you even know? When you had me, I know you didnt plan for me to be this big - Im sure you didnt plan for yourself to be as big as YOU are, either. But did you plan and dream about what part you could play in making me think as little of myself as possible? Did you think, "I hope she feels miserable all her life" or did you think "I hope she is happy all her life"? Which of those things are you contributing to? Why would you push me toward feeling miserable if you didnt want me to be miserable? I dont understand why you would actively seek my misery, and so Im asking you to explain it to me."

Well thats how I would get my hurt and anger across to her! But every person and hence every relationship is different... but if you think its possible without making things WORSE, I would think of a unique way to make her aware of the pain she creates for you.

or of course you can ignore it all and get out of there ASAP if you find the means.
Take care, and dont allow others to tread on you like that - control their actions simply by leaving them.

Amy, I am SO happy that you are feeling better about things, and it seems as though you are feeling a little stronger too. You have also found out one very important thing... you can 'binge' now and then, and you will not undo all of your good work. ONE bad day doesn't do that. Just don't make it a regular thing and you will be fine.

I was VERY lucky and didn't have people I 'knew' putting me down or laughing at me. Oh... I had my share of strangers doing that, but not family, friends or acquaintances. Boy, did those strangers' comments hurt. But I was never strong enough to say anything to them.

NOW, it is another situation I find myself faced with and it is just as puzzling as yours is to me. My parents rarely said anything to me about my weight, except for mum ALWAYS offering me this or that diet whenever I spoke to her. I couldn't say anything to her, but shortly after I told my sister that this was the reason I couldn't be bothered to visit my mother anymore, the 'diet tips' ended. I have a feeling my sister must have said something to my mum. Oh, and my dad once said something about me 'being bigger than him' in a snide way.

Well... that was BEFORE I lost weight. Since I've lost a lot of weight, I've actually had the worst experience with my parents. The last time I visited with them (probably about 6 months ago - and they only live an hour and a half away) they spent AGES talking about a relative who was "Enormous! Bigger than you EVER were! She is just SO lazy and eats whatever she wants, and never exercises"... and so on and so forth. All I could think was that this must have been how they spoke about ME when I was bigger. They were simply being MEAN! I hung around as long as I had to, then I left early. Once again, I wasn't game enough to say anything to them.

BOTH of my parents are overweight, well obese if I am honest, and have been for as long as I can remember. So, I find it puzzling that they find it 'right' to talk about other overweight people like that. Are they oblivious to the fact that they are BIG!

Anyway... I refer to them as 'poisonous people' and I just avoid them now. Mum hasn't asked why I don't visit and I don't tell her. Simple. It is easier for me, because I have to visit them, they don't come visiting here. Dad won't drive in the city and I don't offer to pick them up.

Basically, what I am trying to say... in a VERY roundabout way, is that your best bet is to avoid this guy. You won't change him, but he can certainly change YOU. Whether he changes you in a POSITIVE way, making you stronger and more determined, or whether he changes you in a NEGATIVE way, making you hate yourself, is totally up to YOU! I have continued to lose weight away from my parents' influence. I have lost it for ME.

Good luck in getting out of your parents' house and into a healthier environment for you and your son.

Oh, and I did think that perhaps you could just give a little laugh next time this guy starts going on at you, get up, tell him "Oh, it was my turn last time. You should share this around. It is mum's turn to be picked on about her weight today." (chuckle as though you are making a joke) Then leave the room. I'm not sure whether I could do it, but I can usually do things like that if I rehearse them and can make it out to be a joke.

Good luck with your journey and your strength in facing this guy again.

Take care,

Zelma

I'd prefer to be overweight any day than be someone who upsets others like that! You're a better person than he'll ever be and I hope you get great satisfaction when you prove him wrong.

Ditto.

Sometimes just saying "Does it really make you feel better about yourself to criticize me" will shut them up. I've used this before and it usually works. Good luck and I am happy that you are learning a more positive attitue about things like this. No matter what we weigh, we shouldn't have to take abuse like this from anyone.

I found a very effective technique for dealing with my father a few years back. I grew up in a household with lots of fighting and name calling and my father screaming at us uncontrollably. He is a normally a very loving and generous man, but has serious anger managment issues.

I took a class called "Love and Logic" on how to deal with misbehaving children and used it on my dad. When he starts in, I say very calmy, "I won't stand around and let you talk to me like that," and then I pack up my stuff and leave. I don't yell, I don't sound angry, I don't say anything else... I just go. I stay away for an evening or a day. When I see him again I am perfectly pleasant and NEVER mention what happened previously. It took him awhile to catch on to what I was doing. I never go back to what got us there in the first place. My dad is an a master at the argument and always has to have the last word. Since both of us used to try to get the last word in, things always deteriorated. By me just leaving, he loses.

I do it every time ANYONE is a jerk. My grandmother told me once, you don't have time in your life for people that aren't nice to you. As a teacher, I occasionally get angry parent phone calls. (Like the guy last month who screamed at me over the phone because his son didn't get a chance to apply for a scholarship and it was my fault.... I didn't care about kids... I didn't give kids a chance, etc... [actually I found two emails that I had sent to his son with a copy of the application and deadline reminders - 3 weeks and 1 week before the deadline]. I just said calmly, "sir, I will not allow you to talk to me like that. I am going to hang up on you now." And I did.

I only have to pull that trick out of the hat once every year or so now with my dad, but it still works.

I suppose it wouldn't work in a truly physically abusive situations, but for all others it works just fine.