am I the only one?
 

I asked a fairly innocuous question and felt like I got attacked in the answers. I imagine that it was not meant that way, but it lead me to wonder.
While losing weight might avert any health problems in the offing, right now, I am healthy even though fat. Maybe lucky? Dunno. The point is that my future health is simply not enough to make me take this on. The fact of the matter is that I am tired of being fat. Tired of being the 'fat mom' in my kids' circle of friends. I want to shop in other than the 'fat' ladies sections, and I just want my front to be flat, and my *ss to look good in a pair of jeans. If that makes me shallow, stupid or my journey less legitimate than the "health" seekers out there, then so be it. I am willing to concede that I am fairly new to the journey, who knows, maybe my attitude will be all about health at some undetermined time in the future, but right now it's not.
And, on a positive note, the scale shows a loss today of 1 pound.:carrot:
tracyg

Originally Posted by tracyg40:
I asked a fairly innocuous question and felt like I got attacked in the answers. I imagine that it was not meant that way, but it lead me to wonder.

I am not aware of your situation or any of the issues raised, but I will say that you are not the only one who has experienced a feeling of being attacked on these boards. (I have never felt that way personally).

Sometimes I think people feel that way because it is very hard to appropriately communicate with others when you can't read voice tone and body language. Smilies are a poor substitute. :)

But from the remainder of your post, I get the sense that you are doing something that a number of people think is unhealthy, but that you do not. This seems to be the main reason that people feel "attacked" on these boards.

Without having read any of the posts about the situation, I would venture a guess that the people who you feel attacked by were trying to steer you toward a more healthy lifestyle and felt that you may be doing something that could endanger your health or actually sabotage your weight loss efforts somewhere down the line.

Many people who post here have been down the weight loss road many times before. I think many of us tried strategies that were designed to maximize weight loss and didn't care about or focus on health. The problem is, these strategies do often backfire. The weight comes back (with a bunch of friends), and then we are left with a worse situation than before. Many people experience health problems as a result of these strategies...

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is that while you may have felt attacked, probably the people involved were motivated by a sense of trying to help you or to prevent you from going down a road they have gone. Maybe you aren't worried about your health now (and honestly, at your weight you may very well not have experienced any problems yet), but they may have already walked in your shoes and are trying to get you to see the risks you may be bringing to yourself.

I will say that if you haven't experienced any health problems it is easier to take your health for granted and not recognize it for the gift it is.

Okay, I went back and read a couple of your posts and saw that I was one of the people who answered you in calorie counters.

I know I wasn't trying to attack you, and didn't even think you were doing anything unhealthy (so much for my last post!). In my case, I was just trying to help you to take a little perspective (that it can take a while to do this and the scale isn't always reflective of our behaviors).

I guess I saw you as seeking advice, and perhaps that's not what you wanted. In hindsight, I think that is another reason often feel attacked.

So, I'm sorry if I was one of the ones who said anything to upset you. It was certainly not my intent.

BTW, congrats on the loss -- they feel so good when you've been waiting for them a while.

Oh, Tracy, you are definitely not the only one who is losing weight for the shameful "v" word. Although at first I was losing weight strictly to preserve my future health and well-being, I must confess the current reasons are vanity-related. I want to look nice in clothes, get a lot of attention from guys (even though I don't like it most of the time, but that's another story), and feel attractive/sexy. We have girls on here that only need to lose 20 or so pounds who are already in healthy ranges, so they definitely aren't doing this for health concerns. I do feel a bit guilty now that my motivations have changed, but I really don't have any other reason to lose weight. Face it, as much as we don't want to admit it, we all want to look good. But as we age, even having a little bit of extra weight can be detrimental to our health. So the reason is still there, it's just not as ominous as it was before.

Tracy ... never doubt that there is an element of vanity in this for all of us!
I haven't gone to check out those other threads but I'm going to ditto what Wyllen said about the limitations of communicating via the written word. Sometimes the sting is not removed by the placement of a couple of smilies.

I'll be back!

I had a couple of thoughts and am going to ramble.
Perception of the written word on the internet is one of my buggaboo's.
Wyllen covered that quite nicely but I'm going to add just a couple of things.
There are lots of reasons why a post can seem blunt. I have posted in a hurry. I should have waited until I had time to phrase my response more diplomaticly. Some posters think they know the answer and just give it. Some posters do know the answer and just give it. I can be touchy. I can be defensive ... as a reader. The anonymity of the internet allows us to type things we would not say.

I'm going to site this thread ....

http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/show...ghlight=follow

.... where there are some interesting perceptions of posts and posters.

I may come under fire for this but I highly recommend that you seek the root of the fruit you've been offered. If a post is bothering you, check the poster out. Some have a lot to offer, just don't present it very prettily. Some talk out both sides of their face. Some truly care and want the best for you. Some like to give advice. Some just like to post.

The good thing about the internet is that anyone can use it. The bad thing about the internet is that anyone can use it.

All in all, I feel far more comfortable at 3FC than I have on any message board I've ever been on (and I'm a message board junkie). The hugely vastest number of folks here are fabulous. Hang in there Tracy.

Tracy, believe me, you are not the only one who's doing this mostly for vanity reasons. Yes, I was having minor issues with my health like getting totally out of breath climbing stairs, being tired all the time, and this awful rash between my thighs and my waistline. BUT, most of all, I wanted to look HOT!! I didn't want to shop in the plus size section anymore. I wanted to go shopping with my friends and actually shop WITH them. I wanted compliments, I wanted to WOW people, I didn't want to be that invisible fat girl anymore!! :)

I'm gonna be honest about something here -

Over the last couple of years, in my search for support and finding others like me during my weight loss journey, I've been to several weight loss boards. Some of them dead (not enough activity to keep me interested), some of them discussing things I didn't care to discuss (mostly young teens saying things like, "I've discovered the secret to weight loss! Become anorexic!"), boards that advocated pushing diet pills, boards dedicated to particular "diets" only, etc etc etc. I didn't like those types of boards.

I was even on a couple of boards that seemed pretty neat, with enough people to keep things moving, but to be blunt, they were some downright *****es. They would run anyone off that didn't carry an opinion that coincided with their own. If you disageed with them, you were toast.

Disagreement is part of life. No two people are always going to see eye-to-eye. There will always be debate and differing opinions. But I'll tell ya something, out of all the weight loss sites I visited, this one is the best.

Why?

Because there's a good mix of people here. People who only need to lose 10 pounds. People who need to lose over 100. People who do low carb, people who do low fat. You have vegetarians and vegans, you have people on Atkins, South Beach, Low GI diets. And what I was happiest to see was a lot of people like me - people who aren't ON a diet, but making permanent lifestyle changes.

Whatever the case, you have all walks of life here. The mods here are kind and helpful and ACTIVE. They participate on their own site instead of letting it sit and go to ****:censored: like a lot of site owners do. You don't have freaks here pushing pills or screaming at you to get a life when you say you need to lose 10 pounds to squeeze into a dress. Or like the "vanity issues" topic where it appears a couple of people feel guilty for wanting to lose weight just so they can look good. Well what's wrong with that! If that's why you wanna lose weight, then do it! Weight loss isn't about perfection, it's about doing what makes YOU feel good. So if you're trying to lose weight to look good in a pair of short-shorts and that's what will make you feel good about yourself, then DO IT! ;)

We've only got one life, why live it unhappy with yourself?

But differing opinions or no, there will always be someone here with a positive word for you. Always.

I've been in a couple of 'debates' on these boards, but it never got childish and out of hand. I'm sure I've said a few things that may have hurt some people's feelings in the past, but I never meant to. Sometimes that's just the way it comes out on the net. But I've never seen true, downright maliciousness here. And believe me, I've seen some nasty stuff out there. One place in particular (I'm not pointing fingers or naming names, sorry) had this girl, we'll call her Miss Priss, who would call anyone that came onto the board giving advice a know-it-all. "Oh you think you know everything! You don't know crap! Why don't you just get out of here! Go lose that weight you need to lose, fatty! Hahaha, I've only got 10 pounds to go but you're a fat cow! Hahaha!"

This is the crap I've seen on other boards. I've never seen that here. This is a nice community where people get along. But because it's such a large community, you're going to run into some conflict. But it's never going to be downright nasty. If someone says something to hurt your feelings and you call them on it, there's a 99.9% chance you'll get an apology. Because these are good people here :)

Boy can I relate to the thigh rash! I hate that thing! I also have to admit to the vanity thing. Since I'll be turning 45 here shortly, I feel like I'm losing not only my youth, but my looks. Losing the weight will definately help me to feel better about myself. On the other side of the coin, it was my doctor who told me 40 lbs needed to be gone, and no more excuses. I guess that is a motivator also (but a cute pair of jeans and a sweater this fall would be awesome)! Keep it up, Lady, we're behind you!

I am very close to the same weights you are and are shooting for and you know what, I think who gives a rats hiney, I told my dr. I wanted to lose weight and she asked me why, I can keep up with 3 kids a full time job, I can lift anything a man can and I can a run a 12 minute mile. I just keep my curvy figure.

I am losing weight so I can fit into cute little outfits, and honestly, I want to be trophy for my husband to show off. he chased me for 10 years before I finally even gave him a thought. I know I am already his trophy, but why not be a good looking one. My husband loves me and gives me all the support I could ever want.

And just for everyone to know, don't get the whole trophy thing wrong, my husband and I are equal partners in our relationship. I have been on diets for myself before and never went anywhere. This time I say I am doing it for him and I am just melting.

Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to lose weight. I've never believed in telling someone that their reasons are wrong, just because they don't have the same reasons I do.

I see nothing wrong with someone wanting to lose weight just to look good. But I do agree that somewhere in there, within yourself, there must be real motivation. Doing it for yourself, if only just a little bit, is important, I think. Somewhere in there, at least a little bit of this, has to be for YOU.

:wave: Hi Tracy

First of all :hug: if you felt that you didn't quite get the response you were after when you posted before.

Second of all, vanity is a good enough reason. Heck ANY reason is a good enough reason to get you to a healthy weight. The reason I started out was vanity, the reason I kept going was vanity, the reason I'm still keeping going to the gym, lifting weights and kickboxing, even though I'm at a "healthy" weight is... VANITY! However, along with vanity are a few other reasons, I DO want to be healthy, because I know being healthy will provide me with the best quality of life, AND being healthy lets me enjoy this new-found sexy-bod that I've got from being so vain!

So :cheers: to vanity and anything else that motivates us, no matter how silly, just don't overlook health completely in the quest for the beautiful ;)

I started losing weight because I needed to set a good example for my kids. I wanted to be healthy, eat healthy, be in good shape so I can play with them. But about 1/3rd of my brain wants to do this for pure looks. I'm tired of looking in the mirror and not liking what I see. I've been doing that since I was in grade school. I even use that part as a motivator to do my exercises. I think we all have a part of us that wants to lose weight for vain reasons. I think it's natural. Once you identify the thing that will drive you to your goal then go with it. It doesn't matter why. Everyone's why is different. Do this for your own reasons.

I do think the people here are really nice and do care about each other.

Yes, the people on this website are the most caring, unselfish people ever! I've never been on a message board before where everyone was so compassionate. We're all here to help and support each other and it's wonderful!!

It's funny, because any time someone posts a "what are your rewards?" type thread, someone always pops up with the "Being healthy is my only reward" answers. But I don't entirely buy that. That may be their strongest reward or their focus or whatever... but honestly... most of us are here because we are tired of how we look. You betcha I want to get off of my meds and not become (full blown) diabetic, but mostly I just don't want to hate myself when I look in the mirror.

What ever your motivation is, best of luck to you!

-Lala

Well, this has been a very interesting thread and this is why I LOVE this site and have been hanging around for quite a few years. Like others have said I've also gone to other sites and they were never as interesting and informative as this one. I too follow some posters that I find post interesting stuff, Meg, Mel, yes you too Susan, Wyellen (which I can never remember how to write her name :rolleyes: ) MrsJim, etc....

If you expect to get along with everyone all the time I think that's unrealistic! Do we get along with everyone in real life? NO!! I try but it doesn't happen all the time, that's for sure....

Have I lost weight for vanity, **** YES, for healthy? Not in the beginning when I was 28, it was strictly for vanity and to look good and to fit into some nice clothes. Now that I'm 49, it's health (can you imagine I was told by my doc yesterday that my cholesterol is borderline!!!! ME?! :crazy:) but still vanity because I see some of my HS friends who are not looking healthy and fitting into nice clothes, and I still want to look good at 70!! I want to be one of those old ladies that everyone at the gym points and admires my determination even old and wrinkly!!

Anywhoooo, I do love this site, because of it's deversities...and Tracy don't feel intimidated by others who think they know all :hug: ...

i'm going to keep my post short and sweet.....yes, i am definately loving how my energy levels have come up 10 fold since i started excerisizing....yes, i love that my confidence has come up 10 fold since i lost 25 pounds...yes, i love that my body feels younger than it did a year ago...but did i do this for those reasons????.....no. I did it because i was tired of not likeing the reflection in the mirror anymore or the person in the pictures. I want to turn heads when i walk into a room...or at least feel like i am. ;) i want guys to look at me. i want to feel sexy in anything i decide to wear.

only a small portion of me has done this for my kids. Not wanting to be the fat mom. i do want my kids to be proud of me when they introduce me to their friends. not ashamed of me because i am overweight.

but mostly...i'd have to say it is all for my own vanity. I want to look good. And by gosh....I WILL!!!!:D

I started losing weight purely because my doctor said I had to for health reasons. But, somewhere along the course, it's the new found love of being smaller and buying cuter clothes that has kept me motivated. There's nothing at all wrong with just wanting to look great, that's why a lot of women here keep going.

I dont think what you want is wrong. i can bet that most ppl, even those who dont want to say it, want the same things, to look good and feel good about the way they look. and i mean it is important to be healthy, but its okay to want to look good.

This has turned into a really interesting thread (thanks, Tracy!)

I don't think being hot was why I started this journey -- even though I wasn't having health problems yet, I was fat enough and old enough (almost 40) to see them on the horizon.

But I never thought about being hot. Perhaps because I've never been hot? (I'm not trying to put myself down, and my husband would vehemently disagree --love that man)! Or never perceived myself as hot anyway. Honestly, I never thought "hot" was possible. Yes, I wanted to shop in 'real' stores (still waiting for that to happen!)

But it's interesting, I'm down 81 pounds from my high weight and am starting, just starting, to feel like I look okay... and I'm starting to wonder how I'll look a little further along this journey... maybe I will look hot!

So, maybe I'm coming from the opposite direction -- starting for health and adding "hot" or vanity later!

Oh, and Ilene, don't worry about getting my name right -- it's not a real name anyway! If anyone's interested it's pronounced will-enn.

My real name is Heather (which I think is buried in my profile somewhere). I think I didn't start using it because I didn't want anyone in my real life to find me, but who am I kidding -- I've got my picture plastered all over here, anyone from my real life who finds me is going to know who I am!

*waves to people from real life, and then cringes in embarrassment for when they follow her around*

So, if you can't remember wyllenn, you can call me heather... though I do love my adopted name, and it is unique!!

Edited to add: okay, so now my name is below wyllenn... i'm out!!

This is a great thread! Wyllen, I also am one who watches for your posts because you are such an encourager to others! Great comments on this topic also.

And "Misti" is not my real name either... actually I am "Sue." :) But I live in Seattle and love the rain so.... :rain: in Seattle it is!! :dance:

Originally Posted by Misti in Seattle:
This is a great thread! Wyllen, I also am one who watches for your posts because you are such an encourager to others! Great comments on this topic also.

Misti -- Well, I've been known to follow you, and Susan! (along with many of our maintainers!)

Hey, if I'm blushing, so should someone else!

Trust me there are alot of us loosing weight for the same reason you are!
I am also loosing it for vain reasons if it makes me healthier in the proccess that great too.
I never read the thread that you are speaking of but I am sure they didn't mean it the way that it read.
Good luck on your goal to be BEAUTIFUL!!!

Sheer vanity is part of why I'm losing weight, but it probably only makes number three on my list. Number two is health (future) and that's the part that I tell people. I have diabetes on both sides of my family and my mom, from whom I get my body, has bad knee arthritis in her 50s and I don't want that to be me. I'm healthy and active in my 20s but I don't want it catching me in a few years. The real reason, the part that I don't actually tell anyone, is that I want to feel better about who I am. I've somehow connected the fact that I'm overweight to the thought that I'm just not all that good of a person since I can't control my eating. But now I've proved to myself that I can do this, and maybe I can find the confidence that I've been hiding for so long.

Originally Posted by wyllenn:
Misti -- Well, I've been known to follow you, and Susan! (along with many of our maintainers!)

LOL well maybe someday I will be qualified to associate with the "maintainers" but it will be a while LOL.

And regarding the thread topic... of course I want to look better too; that is high motivation. However, I really got fed up with the poor health and not being able to DO so many things after having been active and even athletic all my life. So my motivation is a great big dose of BOTH LOL.

I like reading Jill's (Jillybean) posts. For one, they stand out anyway because she always uses the purple text. For another, she's great at speaking her mind. She's not afraid to disagree with someone, vehemently at times when necessary, and she tells is like it is. And she thinks like me so much it's scary. For example, I'll be reading a post with possibly a little bit of 'shock value' (you know how it is, you can't believe you're reading what you're reading) and I'll want to blurt out how I really feel about what's been said but I sometimes hesitate. Then I'll scroll down and Jill's already been there, saying exactly the same things I was thinking and I'll think ha! she beat me to it.

:lol:

Originally Posted by LLV:
I like reading Jill's (Jillybean) posts.

Aww, thanks! I mentioned you as well in a post I wrote this morning in another thread (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76118 )...I thought this was in response to my post...perhaps you stuck it in the wrong thread? Or maybe we just post together so often that we're sending each other vibes even from different threads now? :p ;)

Originally Posted by jillybean720:
Aww, thanks! I mentioned you as well in a post I wrote this morning in another thread (http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/showthread.php?t=76118 )...I thought this was in response to my post...perhaps you stuck it in the wrong thread? Or maybe we just post together so often that we're sending each other vibes even from different threads now? :p ;)

Nope, I was responding to everyone else's comments in this thread about whose posts they read, lol.

Thanks for the mention :)

I also like reading Misti's posts, she cracks me up.

I started this journey because of vanity, but after finding out that I have high cholesterol a little of my motivation has changed to being healthy. And I really have tried kicking it up a little because I don't want to pass my negitive body image on to my two girls (or my son). I know My mom never really said things about her body infront of me, but I picked up her vibe. I am trying to change how I talk and think about my body so that they have at least half a change having a positive body image. I hope that as they get older we will be able to go shopping and find what we need without having to go to a specialty store.

As for following posters...I don't follow anyone, but I do comeaccorss so many great ppl in my lurking. I love jillybean,misti wyllen, and so many others. THey always have great things to say.

((hugs)) to tracy I hope you stayaround, becayse you made a great thread. Most people on here do not mean to be mean/negative...they just don't want anyone to gothrough stuff that they have already done. If someone posts something you don't like take it with a grain of salt.

What a great thread! Tracy, you certainly aren't the only one, which I'm sure you've seen by now. I never saw your original post or the answers so I can't address what went on there other than to reiterate that sometimes what the original poster wants from a post is misunderstood and the responses can get out of hand. Or thread can go off on a tangent and the original poster's intent gets totally lost.

You are almost exactly where I started weightwise almost 5 years ago. I finally seriously changed the way I ate and exercised for both reasons: I wasn't feeling well and was terrified of the possiblility of diabetes, and I was also just sick of myself getting larger each year and hating myself a little more each time I looked in the mirror or had to buy clothes. I picked a goal weight that was at the higher end of the healthy range for my height because I really had little faith that I'd ever get there, let alone lower. As someone else mentioned, somewhere during the weightloss journey the focus changed from health to vanity. At my goal weight I was healthy and could buy clothes anywhere, but I didn't really like my body all that much. I was 45 and fairly fit when I finally lost the weight. I walked, lifted light weights and played tennis.

At that point, I met a 50 year old woman at the gym who was downright HOT. She looked about 35 and had never had any kind of surgery. Her secret? Intense weight training, cardio, small frequent meals of protein and whole grain carbs. I figured I had nothing to lose, and at 46, not too many more years to go for "hot". I am VERY healthy and intend to stay that way. But in truth, what keeps me at this 4 years later is being able to chose which bathing suit I like, rather than the one that covers the most of me. I actually enjoy telling people my age and having them look surprised. I love wearing small cute clothes and NOT looking matronly like my peers. It's all vanity at this point. OK, I was also pretty thrilled when I had my first DEXA scan last year and was told I had the bones of a 35 year old despite a family history of osteoporosis, but wearing size 4 low cut jeans and a belt with no flab hanging over is probably a bigger thrill. So I'm shallow ;)

So do it for YOU and your reasons. The only thing that would be sad is to really have reasons and NOT do it :hug:

Mel

Like you, my reason for wanting to loose weight is to look good. When I went to the doctor to start this new diet he checked everything. I am perfectly healthy although I am 40 lbs. overweight. My husband is always (and I mean always) telling me how good I look and how sexy I am but I want to do this for me! :devil:

Sometimes it's nice to be noticed by other people.

Originally Posted by mel:
OK, I was also pretty thrilled when I had my first DEXA scan last year and was told I had the bones of a 35 year old despite a family history of osteoporosis,

wow, mel! You give me hope that I can reverse some of the damage I did to myself! (though I'm not into weights with your intensity!)

OH! And speaking of people whose posts I love - whatever happened to Kate? (lovesbassets) She started some great threads and seemed to really have it all together...

Also, Linda, I really like reading your posts AND Jillys for many of the reasons you mentioned about Jilly! And Glory, I love your posts too!

Though, it occurred to me this morning that so much of what I say on these boards is information I learned HERE... so I'm wondering just how many of you great ladies I am parroting back!! :)

Originally Posted by LLV:
I also like reading Misti's posts, she cracks me up.

Why thanks, Linda!!! Nice to be surfing along and find a nice comment about myself! :) LOL you might not think that today... I have been reading and not posting because I am so bummed about being SO fat and not being able to at LEAST buy clothes which halfway fit which could at least give me a LITTLE bit of class... besides lower, that is!!! :hug:

you know tracey, I may say that health matters over aesthetics, but there IS a small pinch of vanity in everyone (even if it were such a small matter to some of us) I love my health and wouldn't sacrifice it for the world, but occasionally I like to look at magazines and say "oh she has nice legs! I could never have such nice legs!"

Originally Posted by Misti in Seattle:
Why thanks, Linda!!! Nice to be surfing along and find a nice comment about myself! :) LOL you might not think that today... I have been reading and not posting because I am so bummed about being SO fat and not being able to at LEAST buy clothes which halfway fit which could at least give me a LITTLE bit of class... besides lower, that is!!! :hug:

MISTI, i love it when I or many other users complain about small boobs, you're always welcoming us to yours! It makes me laugh and realize that this community was all I ever needed. :hug:

Originally Posted by veggielover:
MISTI, i love it when I or many other users complain about small boobs, you're always welcoming us to yours! It makes me laugh and realize that this community was all I ever needed. :hug:

LOL well maybe if I offer them enough times someone will TAKE the awful things!!! :o

Originally Posted by wyllenn:

Also, Linda, I really like reading your posts AND Jillys for many of the reasons you mentioned about Jilly!

Thank you :)