I hate mirrors. I hate the full length in my bathroom. I look ok in there. Then I leave the house and go in a dressing room, walk by a window, catch myself in the reflection of a door in the frozen food isle, and am mortified. Cant believe I left the house wearing what I did to be exposing the horror that is my body to others, cant believe Im such a large person. I need to get a mirror that shows the truth so that I know how I actually look when I leave the house.
Whats even worse is that my friends like to take pictures when we go anywhere. THEN THEY POST THEM ON THE INTERNET so that we can reflect on the fun or so that other friends can see what we we've been up to. I tell my friends that photos of me make me very uncomfortable and they have all known for years that I cant stand to have my picture taken but it doesnt stop them from taking pics of me (even JUST me, not me just happening to be in the way) and THEN POSTING THEM ON THE INTERNET.
I have to go look at the pics to see what horror is being distributed to our extended network, girls and GUYS alike, and once I see, I get permanently depressed about it. There it is for the world to see... the permanent proof of how gross I look.
Sure it can motivate me to lose weight - being mortified beyond belief can work. But more than motivating me it depresses me and makes me want to hide, to not go out with them, to not go out at all until Im better. But when will that be?
Anyway, I am trying to use my unflattering reflections in windows and pictures as motivation, but it is really hard to control the urge to run and hide when I see how awful I look and Im out in public.
Can anyone relate?
In this one Walgreens they have security mirrors lining the top of the walls and when I see myself in them I want to leave the store immediately, I am so embarrassed I cant stand it. I dont like to go to that store
Positive attitude might help. It sounds like your self-esteem needs a boost more than anything. Recoiling in horror at your own reflection is not a healthy reaction. Sure, looking good is helpful, but I want to share something. A good friend of mine used to be heavy, stopped eating, and ended up becoming anorexic. I (and I to this day regret talking to her about my weight problems because it's not a fair thing to do) used to tell her that people seem to like me less because I'm not as pretty at my heaviest. Her response was that at least I know who my real friends are. She said that just because I didn't have a man meant nothing, and I'd be happier knowing that the boy I find loves me for who I am, not how I look.
I think if I were you (and it sounds insane, but it helps) I would start reitterating positive affirmations. Look at your reflection, and if you're in public, at least project your voice in your head and tell yourself "I am beautiful" - if at home, do it out loud and proud!
Sure, you seem a bit nuts, and feel completely looney, but it's so important to love yourself, that a little bit of zaniness will pay off in the end. Self-esteem is the key to success.
Oh. Well this sucks. I have never said anything about that to anyone in my life. I was hoping so much to find that Im not alone, but instead I find out Im "nuts". I hate feeling alone and crazy, and that I am alone and crazy is now being confirmed. Super fabulous!
I appreciate the advice, but I know that pretending is not helpful to me in any part of life. When I try to, I know Im pretending and cant convince myself of something that is other than the very obvious reality.
Argh I wish I wasnt alone in this crazy head. Oh well, perhaps this isnt the place for me... but it does help me to read about others struggles that I identify with, so thanks to those of you who share your inner struggles, it does help others, I think I will keep reading and try to refrain from posting!
I'm sorry you're feeling so upset. Most of us here know just how it feels.
I assume you're trying to do something about your weight (or about to start trying), so perhaps you need to concentrate on that for now. Avoid the mirrors. Avoid the photos. Those things are just making you feel overwhelmed and depressed. There'll be plenty of time for mirrors and photos later, when you start seeing some progress from your eating & fitness routines.
Maybe keeping a log of your progress would help. It's really inspiring to see that you've gone from (for example) barely being able to walk half a mile at a snail's pace, to being able to stroll a mile and a half with ease. I've found that the only thing that keeps me from despair when I see my blobby cellulite-covered thighs in a dressing-room mirror is to concentrate on the victories, however small they are, while refusing to dwell on the negatives. It's a deliberate choice that I've learned to make, and you can learn to make it, too.
I'm also concerned that your friends would insist on taking your picture when you've explicitly asked them not to. That's kind of hostile, in my opinion. Is it possible that you're subconsciously choosing friends who'll reinforce your sense of defeat? Maybe that's one of the things you need to change before you can start focusing on the positive. Maybe it's time to start seeking out some new friends who'll want to lift you up, instead of dragging you down.
Hun, you're not crazy unless I'm crazy too. I'm going through those same feelings. I detest looking at myself in the mirror or in a window while shopping. I really just don't like the way that I look. Next time your friends take a picture of you and post it on the internet.. and you don't like the way you look.. ask them, politely, to take it down. If they don't, then just take one of them while they're sleeping or drooling or picking their nose and post it on the internet... and refuse to take it down until they remove yours. That's what I would do, at least.
I know that it's hard too... but just try and look at all of the improvements you've made in your life. You're trying to get healthy and feel better about yourself. That's more progress than half of the overweight people in the world! You've already got a good chance at succeeding because you accept that you have a problem, and you're ready and willing to fix it.
PeeB I think you might have read that post the wrong way honey.
I don't think any fat person (me included) has ever accepted the reality of themselves in a photograph. I went out with some friends from work about a year ago, and thought I looked fine, saw the pics and felt utterly mortified. I was the fat freak.
But Oracular Jinx is on the right track. No one thinks your a freak. Your "ugliness" and "unattractiveness" is in your head. We have disordered thoughts about our bodies, which is why we got ourselves into this mess in the first place.
The first place to start losing weight is in your head. If you come from a position where you loathe yourself, it's really hard to sustain it, because you keep having it reinforced with every weigh in etc that you are fat, and unacceptable.
If you can get to the position that you are beautiful but you will be better if you can lose the weight, it makes it easier.
I went to a dance class today, a hip hop class. I have been absolutely terrified about doing it, because I thought everyone would be super skinny, fit and gorgeous. And yeah, there were some of those people there. But there were lots of others too, and the class was so fun and inclusive, that by the end, I felt gorgeous too.
You might be fat, but you are beautiful. Jinx isn't asking you to lie to yourself, she's asking you to believe in yourself.
I was hoping so much to find that Im not alone, but instead I find out Im "nuts". I hate feeling alone and crazy, and that I am alone and crazy is now being confirmed.
Oh, hon, I think you completely misunderstood Jinx's reply! She was trying to cheer you up, give you a bit of a laugh. We all let our weight make us a little bit nuts from time to time. I know I sure do. If the positive affirmations she suggested don't work for you, then something else will. We throw out a lot of advice here; some will fit you, and some won't, but it's all given in the spirit of caring and understanding. Please do keep posting. You really are among friends here.
PeeB, Jinx said you might feel nutz (ie silly!) doing the affirmations she suggested. She wasn't calling you nutz.
Affirmations *do* seem silly, but they can really help. We spend a lot of time criticizing ourselves, thinking terrible things about ourselves that we would never say about someone else. We hold ourselves to standards that we would never subject a friend to. Try being a better friend to yourself.
I know it's hard, but at least give a try to interruping your negative thoughts, and replacing them with something positive. Make lists of things you like about yourself and post them all over the place.
Getting healthier, losing weight... it's all a lot easier if you can come to believe that you're worth it.
I see, I really misunderstood Oracular. I am sorry! The nice things you have said have made me feel a million times better.I appreciate all of your kind words so much, so so much. I really appreciate it. Every single post helped tremendously. I need to figure out how to deal with it. I think though that I wont be better until I like the reflection I see. I have liked it before in my life...
I know that my friends dont intend to hurt me at all. I think they dont want to exclude me and they dont understand the extent of how bad it makes me feel.
Melissa your suggestion is hillarious! and a good one.
Thanks Tani, Margarita, Melissa, Oracular, Kykaree, for taking the time to help me out.
I know this sounds REALLY lame, but when I hated how I looked when I was younger (and my best friend who i lived with was a size 0, weighing under 100 pounds, and we tried to borrow eachothers clothes, ugh, depressing), anyways, I picked a part, eyebrows in my case. I made them perfect (lots of tweezing), and I always felt I had *that*. Focus on the positives you have, do you have perfectly clear skin? Can you do a crossword puzzle without cheating? Even writing down everything you are good at, things you like about yourself (physical or not), and when you are having a down day, pull that out. I know it sounds pretty cheesy, but it might help!
-Aimee
PS - I have 3 pages written of qualities and physical qualities I like about myself.. and I like to think I have a pretty good self esteem!
I have been overweight most of my life. Regardless of what reality has been I have always had an overabundant self esteem. When I look in the mirror I always look great.
Photographs (or even worse - videos), completely freak me out. It is almost as though the pictures are of a different person. It is so weird that I don't "see" what is right in front of the mirror every day.
Positive attitude, nothing! Your friends are being extremely rude and thoughtless. And NO ONE has the right to post pictures of you on the Internet when you specifically tell them you don't want it! You need to take a firm stand! And for those who are overweight it is perfectly normal to react the way you do! I was horrified when someone at work took a picture of a group of us and sent it around in company email! In fact I let her know that and she promised not to do it again.
Telling myself I am beautiful when I am fat is not something I am about to do... I am NOT beautiful when I am fat; it is ugly. Not putting myself down; just facing the facts and determined to do something about it. Lying to myself just doesn't cut it for me. I don't consider that a negative thought either... LOL I am actually a very positive person. But I am also positive that this fat is not acceptable and has to go!! You are NOT alone, PeeB!!
Let me suggest the book "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. Jerry Townsend. This is a Christian book BTW... it teaches you how and when to set boundaries with people in a gracious way. I learned a LOT from it.
I don't think your friends are being rude. I am sure if we look on this board we would find a post like this...........
"I have a problem. I have a great group of friends, we go out and we have a fun time. But the thing is they are all normal weight, and look fantastic in their jeans, and then there's me. I know I have a weight problem and I'm trying to work on it, that's why I'm here. But the thing is, my friends post pictures of our nights out on the internet. And I am never in any of them. They don't cut me out or anything, but they take them when they think I don't notice. I know I'm fat, but I still feel so hurt that my weight is such an issue for them."
Your friends are in a no winner here!!
Misti, fat is not ugly. Your still beautiful whatever your weight. All we'er saying is, hating yourself does not make this any easier.
I think PeeB's friends see her in a completely different way than she sees herself. I know it was true of mine when in a similar situation. My friends are all ten years younger than me for a start, and all teeny tiny, they just did not see what I weighed or how I looked in pictures was an issue at all. And I am grateful for their unconditional acceptance.
Misti, fat is not ugly. Your still beautiful whatever your weight. All we'er saying is, hating yourself does not make this any easier.
Please don't misquote me... I did NOT say I hate myself!!! In fact I kind of think I emphasized that I have a positive attitude, and I think my posts on 3FC reflect just that!! And if you don't think fat is ugly, fine. I do... at least on me... That is why I am working so hard to get rid of it! I just don't lie to myself and tell myself I am beautiful when I am 100 pounds overweight! And I said clearly in my post that I was not putting myself down.
My opinion of myself or others is not based on physical appearance. Nor is it based on "loving myself" as personally I think the teaching that we are to "love ourselves" is psycho-babble. I think our priorities are to be love God first, others second, and ourselves last. If we do that, we won't have a problem with "self image" and has nothing to do with "hating ourselves."
And note, I am not saying I expect others to agree with me; I am aware that my beliefs are in opposition to what is culturally popular; that's fine. It's fine that you disagree with me... but please don't make implications that I said something I didn't say. And I expect to get "potshots" for these comments, so if anyone "fires away" that is fine.
And your "quote" about friends is NOT what PeeB said... she said she had clearly asked them not to post her picture and told them that it bothers her, but they did it anyway. That's rude and unkind, call it what you want! When I told my friend it bothered me for her to put it out in an email she said she was sorry and never did it again... and this is a co-worker; not even a close friend! Say what you will, true friends won't do something they know hurts us. I am blessed with friends who do care and take my feelings into consideration, and most of them are nice and skinny too. Note I am not saying PeeB's friends are not good ones; but they DO need a serious talking to about their lack of consideration for her in this instance. Taking pictures of someone when they ask you not to is just plain rude; far too many people think it is cute and funny when they do it to someone who doesn't want it. It isn't. Just my opinion.
Last edited by Misti in Seattle; 04-15-2006 at 06:33 AM.
Mirrors and Pics
Most of us here know just how it feels.
Lying to myself just doesn't cut it for me. I don't consider that a negative thought either... LOL I am actually a very positive person. But I am also positive that this fat is not acceptable and has to go!! 
You are NOT alone, PeeB!! 
I am blessed with friends who do care and take my feelings into consideration, and most of them are nice and skinny too. 