[lostinthecake]

I’ve been thinking lately about all of my emotional issues and how they affect my weight problem and my life altogether.
I’ve been unfortunate enough in my life to encounter some really bad things and some really bad people. I was molested by my grandfather when I was about 8-9 or so. I was raped as a freshman in college dormitory and close to raped on several more occasions.
I got married when I was 22 and that’s when I started gaining weight. Don’t get me wrong, I had always been on a “curvy” side, but normal size (8-10). My husband is a wonderful man, but our upbringings were polar opposites. I was raised as a military brat moving from one place to another, without my of a religious upbringing, he was raised in a rural town with super conservative protestant parents. Maybe that’s why I felt for some time like I wasn’t good enough for him with my “past”. He and I talked about some of the things I had been through and he had been nothing less than totally supportive and understanding, but it took me probably over 6 years of marriage to get enough courage to tell him just about everything about me I didn’t want anyone to know.
By then of course it was too late, I had already ballooned to 300 pounds, got in to a habit of eating and drinking too much and feeling pretty crappy about my self. I now have PCOS, obviously depression issues and am prone to anxiety attacks.
So now I’m trying to solve some of my emotional problems with my self before I attempt another shot at weight loss.
I don’t post on this forum very often, but I lurk around all the time and I recently read someone’s post that kind of struck a chord with me. It was something like: “You can’t be successful at weight loss until you are really ready for it, until you sort out all the reasons why you got fat in the first place. So this is my attempt at “self-therapy” if you will. And I would have never in the million years just go and blurt all this out if the forum wasn’t totally anonymous.
Hopefully people will respond with any thoughts, advise on how I can get past this stuff and start making my self better.

[sli]

I am SO sorry that you have had to go through all that you have! I had the same problema s you with my grandfather and it took me a long time to get over it. I finally w/ help from my DH convinced myself that it wasn't my fault and that he was one sick individual.
It sounds like your DH really loves you for who you are dispite everything that you have been through. That makes you very lucky! And you deserve that!!
If you ever need to talk I am here for you.

[lostinthecake]

Sli,
Thanks for your kind words. May I ask what was the turning point for you. I mean when did you realize that you are "over it"?
I actually supressed the memory about my grandfather until I was in my 20's. It just sort of came back to me out of the blue one day after I hadn't thought about it for years.

[srmb60]

Over it? I'm not sure you ever get 'over it'. Past it? Maybe. It happened. It's a part of everything that's happened up until this point. It is part of what makes you you. You learn to put it in it's proper slot in your memory files and live life as who you are. Oh it'll jump out once in a while. But you can slot it back in.
You must be wonderful if your husband thinks so
And so far me and sli appreciate you too.

[crisco1]

Oh My! It broke my heart reading your message. I am not a therapist or anything, But I think that your attitude should be "spit in their eyes" so to speak. Get healthy to spite them!

[dalai_lala]

Sometimes you really do just need to seek professional counseling on these matters, I'll say that first. Okay... a couple of very helpful books for me were Courage to Heal (I think the author is Linda Bass... I'll double check and edit - edit: Ellen Bass and Laura Davis!) plus a companion volume that your husband could read as a way of understanding what you're going through (at the time I had no use for that one, so I don't know how it is). I'm also very fond of anything by a lady called Sark. She touches on this issue frequently as well.

It's a tough nut, for sure, and SusanB is right, I don't think there's any "getting over it" at least not completely. I just try to think that everything, good or bad, that I have lived through (survived) has made me the person who I am - and I actually like her, these days, even if she's kinda chubby!

My big source of strength (and come to think of it, I don't know how healthy this really is, but it works for me) is that, when I turn to a habit that I know stems from my fear and shame, I think to myself 'If I do this, HE wins. If I allow him to influence my life and my behavior now, after all these years, then he still has control of me, and I won't allow that.' It has helped me break a lot of destructive habits and problems that I used to keep men and even friends away, so that I wouldn't get hurt.

Anyway, please come talk to us any time you need to, and take good care of yourself. You can take care of the weight when you are ready to, just take care of your heart first.



-Lala

[sotypical]

If you want some reading you may want to check out some of those daily meditation books. One that comes to mind for me is Language Of Letting Go (there are two of them, the second once is called More Language of Letting Go). The books are meant more for co-dependency and people recovering from addictions. But there have great little readings and lots of times they make you think and you can relate to them. There are lots of different books similar to those.

[sli]

Hi,
Susan has a point I never REALLY got over it but one day I decided "you know what, YOU (grandfather) are not going to take over my life and ruin it more than you have already"
If I was to let it run my life anymore than I already had that meant he still had control over me and I wasn't gonna let that happen!
I still find myself watching my daughters really close whenever they are around older men to make sure there isn't anything there but I try my damnest NOT to let my life revolve around it.
I really hope that this helps you just a little. Everytime you find yourself thinking about it a little to much just say to yourself "NO" its NOT worth it.

[srmb60]

I was thinking later (after I posted) that I was pretty protective of my kids too. That's a good thing. So a good thing has come from a bad incident in our past, right?

[sli]

I think so in a way yes. I know that I am very careful when it comes to my girls and even my son. Don't get me wrong I don't do a back ground check (even though sometimes I would like to ) but I also knew what to watch for! As I am sure that you do. My kids are older now 19, 18, 15 so they know what had happened to me and what to look out for. But you are trying to do the right thing by turning a negitive into a positive. Be proud of that! You are trying to fix yourself inside and not wallow. I think thats great!
I saw that some of the other ladies suggested books. I didn't read anything but I guess that it could be helpful. I did keep a private journal where I put down ALL my anger. Oh let me tell you that book is full of it!!
I really wish there was more that I could do for you but here is a from one survivor to another.

[Sandi D]

im sorry all this happen.
And yes I feel the stress and depression can and will cause weight loss, But you have to decide your worth it!!
And YOU are!!!
You will never be over what you went thru, but you can fight like *&)*(&( not to take the rest of your life away from you. Because you are worth figthing for!!!
hugs
sandi

[sli]

I also meant to ask you, did you tell anyone else in your family about your grandfather? I told my mom but I never told anyone else because I was embarresed. Which I know now I shouldn't have been "he's the one that was wrong"

[lostinthecake]

Thanks everyone for your posts and the private messages. It helps to know I'm not alone and I can talk to someone other than my husband about this.
I did tell my mom, but only recently and she was shocked. I guess it’s a good thing that grandfather passed away a while ago…
I did get some valuable things from everyone’s posts and it was strange, but liberating in a way to even start this thread. So once again, thank you.
P.S. I’ll keep lurking around this site/forum. People here make me think the world might not be as bad as I thought.