I just wanted to rant a bit and see if this kind of thing has happened to anyone else.
I recently went on vacation with a group of friends. One of my friends tends to take a lot of "one person at a time" photos, so I ended up with like 12 pictures of myself. Which I don't need or want. So I sent them to my Mom.
She got the pictures and called me yesterday. Here's what she said (I quote):
"You look SO good! You're finally healthy! And thin, thin, thin!! I hoped I'd see your cheekbones again someday! ALL I want for my birthday are enlargements of these photos so I can show them off to my friends!"
Now, there's a dynamic here that needs explaining. She was severely anorexic for 15 years and we've never had much of a relationship. Prior to THESE photos, the only -- I repeat ONLY -- photo she had of me that she felt was "good enough" to frame and put on the mantle was one my Dad took when I returned from Spain having had amoebic dysentery for 2 weeks -- and having lost about 25 lbs in 14 days. Needless to say, I look like death warmed over in that picture. And the picture was taken in 1988, by the way. And is STILL on her mantle.
Anyone else out there ever feel PO'd by someone's "compliment?" Or maybe I'm just over-reacting.
Take it is a compliment, smile, think "thanks mum" and - cool cheap birthday present
I'm sure she means well, but she's judging you by standards she sets for herself and I guess they're probably a bit harsh! And of course not valid in your situation!
It sounds like something my insensitive Grandmother would say! I don't listen to her any more! That's what you get for being a pain!
Ouch, without the "dynamic" it might have been just a compliment but knowing that I completely agree that it was out of line. Not an overreaction. Just take it as someone pushing their own agenda onto you and try not to let it bother you.
Try not to let it bother you. You are working VERY hard to look good, healthy, and thin. So, take what you WANT to hear in comments and ignore any underlying message that your mom probably didn't even realize she sent.
I guess family members can make you nuts sometimes -- if you let them! My first reaction (I didn't actually SAY this, thank goodness) was "HA! See, I CAN be thin!" which is a tad immature for a 32-year-old. Ya think? But then my next reaction was, "Nice. It took a 37 pound weight loss for her to finally want to 'show me off' to her friends." Like the BA, MA, and house of my own aren't enough!
But you are all 100% right! It's about her, not me. Let it go...let it go....I'll take it for what it's worth and save some $ on the cheap b-day gift <--- great point, 2frustrated!!
Thanks everyone! I feel better now.
Last edited by LovesBassets; 08-21-2005 at 06:30 PM.
I totally understand. Whenever Iam with my mom she keeps saying "You can't have that because you are tying to lose weight" and than the next day buys me my favorate "bad food". I keep telling her it is all about moderation. But she will never learn.
I've not had a compliment make mad, but I've had a comment make me mad.
I was at chuch one day, we have lunch after services and an older man told a pre-teen girl she was fat and she should stop eating. She broke out in tears and stood there while this horrible man was telling her how fat she was. My temper exploded! I grabbed her and I told her, "You are not fat. Don't let what this idiot says bother you. You are getting ready to hit puberty, it's natural for your body to adjust and change while it's getting ready for a big growth spurt."
And then I turned to the older man and laid into him right there in church with every one watching about how eating disorders start at this age "because of thoughtless, cruel, stupid remarks from people like you. You had no business making that comment, you are not a doctor, you are just a petty mean person who wants to hurt children." And by that time I was yelling at almost the top of my lungs. I grabbed the girl and walked away. She was laughing by the time I finished chewing that guy out.
It still makes me angry and that was several years ago.
I wish someone had told my grandad a thing or two when he asked me when was I going to lose weight. On Christmas day! Thanks POPS! Well he's dead now and I'm thin! HA! (petty, mean, moi?)
Hi Kate-I just joined 3FC today and I've been poking around the forums and your posting struck a cord with me. I'm 44 yrs old-and about 44 lbs overweight! I'm recently separated after 20 yrs of marriage and I have 2 girls, ages 17 & 13. I have struggled with this weight issue for so long now I can't even think far enough back to when it started. I do know this though. My mother never seemed to be satisfied with my weight when I was growing up, and said stuff like "you have such a pretty face; if only you would lose the weight". Now I would never, in a million years, think of saying something so damaging (long-term) and hurtful like that to my girls-and yet she did it, over & over. My mother passed away in April, 2004, and though our relationship was pretty smooth, it was nothing like what I share with my girls now. And sad to say-it was her loss. Her standards were so high and for me, always unattainable, and I always felt like "If I lose this weight-she'll love me so much". This thinking continued on-and still does-even after she's gone! I am trying like heck to put a new life together now,and it's incredibly hard to stay away from the food and deal with my emotions in light of an impending divorce. I am panicked thinking that I'll eat myself into oblivion and have to figure out a way to deal with all the old issues.....and the new & more demanding issues.
Anyway-thanks for listening. I just wanted you to know that I heard my mother's voice in your thread. You lost a lot of weight-congratulations! I'm inspired and very hopeful for a new start!Font=Comic Sans MS
On a recent vacation one of my relatives noticed I had lost weight, she ask what my high weight was, I told her 216. She said "WOW you must of really ate like a pig back then huh?" - Ouch!
What the heck is wrong with people? "It makes me think-does that mean you like me better cuz I'm not 216lbs anymore....or...am I a better person now that I've lost the weight???" There ought to be a law....
I think anyone who is *trying* to compliment someone about weight loss should take a lesson fromn Jawsmom (paraphrasing here): "Wow! You are obviously working VERY hard to look good and be healthy" and then maybe add, "I'm so proud of you!"
That's why I like 3FC so much...you gals are great.
...And agreed, Wildfit...THERE oughta be a law! Welcome to 3FC. I'm kinda new, too.
The truth is when I got to 216, I never thought "I ate like a pig"
Kate, I agree "Wow! You are obviously working VERY hard to look good and be healthy" and then maybe add, "I'm so proud of you!"
Is the perfect compliment!
a "compliment" made me mad
But then my next reaction was, "Nice. It took a 37 pound weight loss for her to finally want to 'show me off' to her friends." Like the BA, MA, and house of my own aren't enough!
Good for you! I absolutely LOVE that you had the guts to chew that jerk out! You made a difference that day, I guarantee it!
"Compliments & Mothers"
What the heck is wrong with people? "It makes me think-does that mean you like me better cuz I'm not 216lbs anymore....or...am I a better person now that I've lost the weight???" There ought to be a law....
