My son who is 8 years old notified me last night that I embarrassed him. When he realized he had hurt my feelings he felt bad and tried to tell me it wasnt my fault. He said the kids at his school made fun of me. Well he wouldn't say why but a few weeks ago he told me that they thought I was fat. So that is my guess.
I tried so hard to tell him I was not upset because it was upsetting him to think he had hurt my feelings. I told him that it was okay if they made fun of me because sometimes people just are not nice and I don't let them get me down. But I guess I didn't put on a very good performance because he was pretty upset.
After I got him calmed down and in bed I just wanted to cry all night. I never want to go anywhere as is. I don't have any clothes that fit and I don't want to go buy new clothes because I know I can get back into my old clothes.
I don't want to make excuses to myself or my son or anyone but I just get so angry. I had a baby then hurt my back so bad I could barely walk for 4 months waiting to get my surgery. I had surgery at the end of march. And ever since I was released to start walking I have been working hard at getting all of the weight off that I put on through pregnancy excessive weight gain and then just laying around for 4 months. I just wish I could get some breathing space. I know I am fat. I know I need to lose weight. It just really hurts to hear how it affects the other people in my life.
I feel like I have let my son down over and over. I couldn't do anything for 4 months, I was in pain and crying and stressed about money because I couldn't work for 4 months. And he hated it that I didn't take him anywhere. He started having a lot of problems at school. And now I don't want to go anywhere because I look horrible and I feel horrible about myself. So.... He wants me to go swimming with him and wear a SWIMSUIT. I don't think so. But... he is embarrased by me???? He thinks he will be less embarrased if I am wearing a swimsuit?????
I think I want to go to a spa for a few months and not be seen until I lose some weight.
Oh Sweetie,
I hurt for you but this is such a perfect opportunity.
He's feeling helpless and stuck in the middle.
I would be as honest with him as you can be at his age.
Let him have a little control over the situation,tell him that when mommy got hurt and couldn't move around and get the exercise she needed to be healthy she got unhealthy and now that you can move around better HE CAN help you by walking with you ,or reminding you to exercise, or help you plan some things you can do for exercise, playing something with him or parking further from your destination.
Let him help you plan some healthy meals, or cook some treats that are good for you.
If you don't want to be seen in public in a bathing suit, get a wading pool and sit in it with him, teach him how to read a scale.
Give him some input into what he's struggleing with and while your doing this your teaching him how to be healthy.
If any kids say anything to him he can say..I'm helping my mom with her health.
Diane
Being a mom is pretty tough, isn't it?! Diane's advice is really great ... about being really honest with him and also getting him involved ... I've got a 9 year old boy and they're quite clued-in! Maybe you could also work in some treats or outings for both of you ... like, for every 5 or 10 walks you do together, you bring him to a movie of his choice, or whatever activity you think you would both like.
Its hard not to be upset at hurtful comments, and its even harder when your child is being hurt too. And its especially upsetting when events beyond your control have created a temporary setback. But thats what it is, just a temporary setback. You have lost 8lb already, well done!! Thats a great start and you are well on your journey already. Be proud of yourself for getting through a very difficult 4 months of your life and remind yourself that things are going to be get better from now on. All the best of luck in the coming weeks and months, and enjoy the times ahead that you will be able to enjoy with your son.
Location: In Maryland, right next to Washington, DC
Posts: 105
A big sympathetic hug to FM and her little boy!
Oh, gosh!
But, ya know, this too will pass. Keep to your diet/exercise plan. Hey, you've already lost 8lbs! Build on that success. Both Diane and Rostar have given you good advice on handling the situation.
You and your boy will be fine. And he'll be so proud of you when you've reached your goal!
Another thing: it's really good for kids to see their parents working hard to reach a goal, be it weight loss or a college degree. That shows the child in an up close and personal way that hard work and perseverence can get them to their goals! VERY important lesson, that!
I'm so sorry you and your son are going through this. The others have given you some great advice. I can tell you that is one of my main motivators. My 2 munchins are 16 months and 3 months and I don't want them to be ashamed or embarrassed of their mommy when they start school. (I also have a 9 YO step son and to my knowledge he hasn't been teased).
I used to be the editor of my hometown newspaper and i had to go to the school to cover events a lot. Well one kindergartener told me I "sure was fat" I just smiled and said "that just means there's more of me to love." Yes it hurt my feelings but I refused to let it eat at me.
You just hold your head high. You are doing something about your health and your weight. There is no simple, easy and quick way to get that weight off. Why should you be ashamed of eating right and exercising. If it were me I would put that bathing suit on and hold my head high and wear it as if I were one of those supermodels (I do. I enjoy swimming and could care less what others say or think about me in it and I do on occassion wear a 2 piece even at this weight)
kid's are kid's, they dont know much. they don't understand things the way we do so this would be the best oppertunity for you to get back into shape. wish you all the luck.
I'm not sure where you live, but I hope this helps. We are close to a large lake that has little swimming beaches. The water is well, brown as most lakes tend to look and I just put on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts and wade right in. Once I'm in, no one can really see me because the water is dark. And my husband is a redhead who has very sensitive skin so he always has to wear a t-shirt when we're swimming or else he'll get fried from the sun, even with sunscreen on. And I see a lot of other people wearing a bathing suit with shorts over it. I have never gotten any weird looks from people. If anyone asks I just say it is because I don't want to get burnt, or I didn't know we were going to go swimming and didn't bring a suit. But it is really because I can't even find a suit in my size and most likely wouldn't wear one if I could!
I hope there is some kind of lake or maybe even a pond somewhere near where you live! Has your son ever swam in a lake before? It would probably be really fun for him because there's a "beach" with sand and we always bring a football or beach ball to throw around in the water. Our local pools won't let you bring any toys or floating devices into the pool, so we like going to the lake. And it is such fun excercise!
Maybe you could also go on a bike ride or something like that? Or find a park that has a walking track and roller blade or take your dog if you ahve one and walk around the track with your son. There are so many things that you can do with him that he would think was fun and probably wouldn't even realize that you were excercising too!
My sister-in-law and I were talking last summer when we were pregnant and I kept wearing pants instead of shorts because my legs were so white it was embarrasing! But I remember she said something that I will never forget. It was so simple! She said, "Well the only way for them to get tan is if you wear shorts, so you just have to deal with having white legs a couple times and they'll be tan before you know it!" I know it's funny, but I think of that with my weight loss too. I hadn't been going to public places to excercise but I think of it as "The only way for me to get skinny is to excercise and soon enough I'll be skinny!" So it might be embarrasing now, but pretty soon I'll be proud of the way I look.
Thanks everyone for the encouraging words you had to offer. I am really trying to get past this. I know its probably not as big of a deal as I am making it. I think Rostar hit the nail on the head when she said it is hard when your child is being hurt too.
That is what I just can't get past. It's not that I am suffering it is that I feel like my son is suffering because of me. And it hurts him because he loves me. And he feels like he doesn't fit in with the other kids. It breaks my heart. I feel 100% responsible for what he is going through.
I appreciate all of the great ideas. I really do need to be honest with him. And I need to get out of this house. I have spent way too much time hiding. And it hurts my whole family.
I guess I am just being selfish. I don't want to be embarrassed so I hide. But I almost feel like I am protecting them from having to claim me. Does that sound crazy or what? But I really do want my husband and my children to be proud of me and think I look great. Or at least normal. My son used to ask me if it was because I was pregnant that I was getting so big? Now I think he has gotten use to seeing me this way so he sees pictures of me from a couple years back and says "Who is that?" Makes me sad.
I want to be a better mom and wife. I just want to look good while I'm doing it.
Thank you all though for all of your advice. It is so nice to know that I can put a problem out here and I will get support.
Sweetheart, just wondering how you were doing. That last post really tugged at my heartstrings, because you're terribly hard on yourself. Overweight or not, you sound like a great mom, really tuned in to your child, and your son will remember that in the years to come. If you're around, post here and let us know how you're getting on.
Hi FindingMyself,
Your post really hit home for me because I am where you are. I have a 9 year old son and I feel like I am such an embarrassment for him also. He does not mention it to me but I just think he is afraid of hurting me. Even so, I know that he has been teased about it. My son seems to be left out alot in groups of kids. He does not have a weight problem and is very outgoing and athletic but I see that kids like to exclude him. My theory is that they do it because nobody wants to hang around the kid with the fat mom. I know it sounds crazy but I really think things like this.
I do know that whether my son is being teased on my behalf or not, he is being cheated. He is being cheated by me. He loves to skate, and even though I once enjoyed it, I now feel that I am too large to get on a pair of roller skates. It hurts to have to tell my child no when he wants me to skate with him and I wont. He sees other moms skating and I know that he thinks that I just dont want to. I DO want to!!!
My son has been to an amusement park once. I dont take him because I know that he will want me to ride. The thing is, I cant fit on most of the rides. I know because I have known the pain of getting on a roller coaster in front of everyone and having to get right back off because the belt or harness does not fit. I just pretended to shrug it off and make little jokes of it when inside I was miserable.
My children (2 boys ages 3 and 9) and husband mean more to me than anyone on earth and yet they suffer because I cant have enough self control to lose this weight. If the fact of hurting my family not enough to motivate me to lose weight, what ever will?
I am sorry that I have no advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what you are going through and I wish you the best. Please send me a PM if you want to talk.
Tracy, Even though you have no advice to give me I really appreciate your support. Thank you. It does seem like we are really in a similar situation here. It is breaking my heart every day. and
Quote:
If the fact of hurting my family not enough to motivate me to lose weight, what ever will?
this is how I feel too. But then I get soooo angry at myself for not giving 100% to weight loss. I cant figure out how something that meens so much to me is not a priority. More important than anything else????? It makes me very sad. I hope we both get to where we want to be and go skating with our kids, and run and play and be young again with them.
and you are right if what I am doing to my family is not going to make me change myself then nothing will.
Take Care and I will watch for you. I hope you achieve all of your goals.
Rostar, Thank you for your compassionate words. They meant so much to me. I am still really emotional about my whole weight situation and feel so much guilt. But I am really trying to just do my best and not be such a perfectionist. I was very motivated for a while. Now I am feeling like I can't do this. And it makes me angry.
Hey dee,
Question...if you don't do "this", what will you be doing???
Any changes you've made so far are in the positive direction.
Maybe you need to give yourself permission once in a while to not be so wrapped up in this and just take a day off.
Are you being too strict???
You said you have a "perfectionist problem", if you're trying too hard and being to restrictive you're setting yourself up for falling off.
You will either figure something out and in a year from now you will have made a years progress (whatever that may be)
or in one year you will still be where you are now, ****, I wish I would have started eating healthier one year ago, how much better would I be feeling right now.
How about just making healthier choices for you and the family right now, don't even think the word "diet".
Even if you "have to make a choice" between ice cream and sherbet you know which is the better choice.
Then when your bod starts responding to just feeling better then start cutting out more and more crap.
Are you involving your son????
He may surprise you in the choices he would make if you let him.
RM
I am so sorry this is happening to you. I think we can all feel your pain because it touches so close to home for everyone. I would go with the tshirt and shorts option or tank top and shorts. I do it all the time. I even did it when I was thin. Just had cuter options and usually wore a swim suit top or whatever. Don't worry just use this as a learning lesson for your son. You could teach him some valuable lessons.
findingmyself, I hope you're feeling better. We can all sympathize. I think we all get to a "turning point" in our lives when we hit bottom, and realize we can only climb up and get better. Very good advice from everyone!!
My advice is a temporary fix, but I love the sunless self-tanning lotions. They helped me get to the beach
Best of luck in your journey to improve your health and yourself!
Findingmyself:
First let me tell you how personally your story hit me. I am motivated to lose weight for my little girl (she is almost 3). That is why I am here and that is why I am trying so hard to get the weight off and keep it off.
Fist let me tell you about me, I was 265 at my highest weight (9 months pregnant). After I had Bella I was 240 and knew I needed to lose weight. I was not always "good" on my diets and I tried different things (Atkins, South Beach, low-fat, low-cal). The major thing that I learned is that diets do work (when you stay on them) so it doent really matter which diet you choose. It is really about getting back on the wagon again. It is about KNOWING YOU WILL CHEAT and getting right back on your diet. YOU WILL LOSE THIS WEIGHT!! I KNOW you can do it! I have maintained 180 ( for me this is a size 12 and I was comfortable with this- for awhile) for a few years and in the past month went back to 195. I am back on the wagon and plan to go for my old college weight of 133. I know it wont happen overnight and I know that it is going to include some pain -exercizing again_ but I have my reason and you have yours. Dont give up when you are doing so well. Focus on your goals and use this board to talk through the hard times.
Now back to your son- I grew up with an overweight mom and was teased at times. Let me tell you, and I am sure you will remember your childhood, kids will tease you about EVERYTHING! They are mean and cruel at times and will pick on those they see as weak. If it were not the "fat mom" it would be the clothes or the hair or anything. I think parents have 2 views about this (ever see the movie stepmom?) the be nice version (which I was taught but never works) or the stick up for your self version (obviously non-violent). I think I will teach my child to stick up for herself because little bullies become big bullies and people need to learn how to stand up for themselves. PLEASE-DONT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. It really isnt even about you being overweight.
Also, the more active your child is in activities at school (baseball, basketball, hockey, whatever) the more of a chance he gets to meet people on a socially level and make friends (you said he is athletic). Once he finds a big enough group of friends, most kids will back off.
However, no matter how popular he becomes, he will get teased. We all did. It isnt nice but it is a fact of life. He will get over it and so will you.
What is a mom to do
And my husband is a redhead who has very sensitive skin so he always has to wear a t-shirt when we're swimming or else he'll get fried from the sun, even with sunscreen on. And I see a lot of other people wearing a bathing suit with shorts over it. I have never gotten any weird looks from people. If anyone asks I just say it is because I don't want to get burnt, or I didn't know we were going to go swimming and didn't bring a suit. But it is really because I can't even find a suit in my size and most likely wouldn't wear one if I could! 
