Hey all.
I am not sure I am ready to do this. But I feel like I have to do something.
Starting today, I am attempting to cut out the majority of my sugar and simple carbs, wheat and the majority of grains. I decided I need to do this at least for a month, because of digestive issues as well as skin candida overgrowth.
But I am freaking out. And I am pretty sure of failing. Because I am scared of loosing weight. I am currently 5ft 8, 320 llbs. I don't like being this obese, but I always foul up when I start trying to lose weight, and I think I just have a phobia of being skinnier. As soon as its noticeable to anyone else, and they compliment me, I get super panicky and the cravings get worse then they ever are.
I always have had dissociation problems, derealising etc. Not feeling safe in my body. Not feeling safe with any sexual tension or attraction. Not that being obese has gotten rid of that kind of attention completely, but it definitely helps keep it at bay. I really want to finish this month doing this lower-carb thing because I feel like my body needs it, not just for weight reasons, but just to detox from all the sugar etc.
Welcome. If it's any help, I've asked my gynaecologist about anti-candida diets, and she doesn't think they are worth doing. Cutting down on sugar, yes, cutting out other carbs, wheat and/or grains, no, and the high level of restriction is bad for your nutrition and bad for your head. So perhaps start by cutting down sugar as low as possible, seeing how that goes, and then tweaking one thing at a time to see how you get on with it. Low-carb may suit you, it may not. Detoxing from food isn't actually a thing, it's one of the myths you get around dieting. Detoxing from alcohol or drugs, yes, and that's taken very seriously and often done in hospital. Detoxing from food, nope. Maybe try eating at maintenance for a while on a low-sugar diet, get used to that, then cut calories gradually? There's no rush, and working more slowly is far more effective for most people, and less likely to lead to regain. Also I hope you can access treatment for the fungal infections, that doesn't sound fun.
Speaking of grains, I find that wholegrains are really helpful for keeping me full and keeping my blood sugar stable, so that I am less likely to get sugar cravings. This has been found to occur generally in studies. Sourdough bread is particularly good for this, so I make it in my bread machine. Folks here are good to consult when you are trying to work out which foods work well for you in terms of helping you feel satiated, helping with blood sugar and mood stability, that sort of thing. Also helping you figure out whether you have any "trigger foods" which it's not worth buying at all. I only buy Bourbon biscuits about once a year because apparently the only portion size which makes sense to me is an entire packet. I'm fine with pretty much everything else, but I can't stop eating Bourbon biscuits when they are around.
Can you ask people not to comment on your weight? It's perfectly reasonable to say, "Aww, thank you, but actually I find comments on my weight stressful, so would you mind not saying anything?" I'm disabled and have support workers in, and I've spoken to the team leader about this, as I also find it stressful, and those comments can be pretty weird and upsetting.
The psychological issues you describe are common, especially after trauma (don't worry, I'm not asking you whether that's the cause, there can be a few reasons for this and I respect your privacy), and you have my sympathies. I'm glad you have a therapist, and I hope they can help. If you are looking for books about healthy approaches to eating, it's worth asking people here more about them. For instance, I was looking into Intuitive Eating, which has many aspects about it which I like. But apparently all the books go on about "mothering yourself", and my mother was abusive, so I've been avoiding them as more likely to stress me out.
Hi Abug and welcome! You have a lot going on right now. The first thing I'd say is don't be so hard on yourself and expect yourself to be wonder woman - I can only speak for myself, but that approach would be setting me up to fail. I know how it is - once you've decided to make a change, you want the change all at once. But given that you need to get stronger emotionally, it might be a good idea for you to make one change at a time. Give your emotional state and your resolve a chance to get ahead of the potentially scary physical changes and embrace them. Maybe for starters, just cut out anything that tastes sweet. There's a good chance you can lose a good bit of weight just doing that. And when that change finally stalls out, maybe cut out bread. When that stalls out, maybe cut other grains, then start exercising, etc.
Good luck and remember to take things one day at a time.
I find my weight to be a barrier between me and most people. Remove that barrier and it will all be uncharted territory.
People might notice me! I won't be invisible (or in some situations too highly visible) if the weight is gone. The way I interact with the world will change fundamentally.
These are all pretty frightening for someone who has used their weight as a divisive device for so long.
But...my therapist told me I often confuse excitement for fear. And what could be more exciting than feeling well, and being physically healthy? The mental has affected my physical for far too long.
So this time I will choose my physical health first, and deal with the mental stuff as it comes up. That wise therapist of mine reminded me that I can be skinny, and still make the choice to isolate. I don't need to accept the advances of friends or lovers if I don't want to, no matter what I look like.
I hope you come to a place where you find a good equilibrium between your weight and your comfort level. May we find inner peace along our weight loss journey!
I find my weight to be a barrier between me and most people. Remove that barrier and it will all be uncharted territory.
People might notice me! I won't be invisible (or in some situations too highly visible) if the weight is gone. The way I interact with the world will change fundamentally.
These are all pretty frightening for someone who has used their weight as a divisive device for so long.
But...my therapist told me I often confuse excitement for fear. And what could be more exciting than feeling well, and being physically healthy? The mental has affected my physical for far too long.
So this time I will choose my physical health first, and deal with the mental stuff as it comes up. That wise therapist of mine reminded me that I can be skinny, and still make the choice to isolate. I don't need to accept the advances of friends or lovers if I don't want to, no matter what I look like.
I hope you come to a place where you find a good equilibrium between your weight and your comfort level. May we find inner peace along our weight loss journey!
Thanks great48, its nice to know I am not the only one. I go out a lot (for an introvert lol) I love to go dancing every week etc but I still keep myself reserved because I don't want the sexual tension.
I guess it comes down to saying no, and believing that I have right to say no. That is one of the hardest things for me. The one relationship I've had I couldn't say no to him, and even though he wasn't trying to hurt me, he hurt me a lot because I couldn't say no.
I don't have concrete memories that would warrant this belief, but I have strong suspicions.
When I say detox from sugar, I mean all the effects that sugar does. Fatty liver (which increases toxic buildup because your liver can't deal with it all), metabolic syndromes and imbalances, candida overgrowth, etc. I am not severely affected by these things YET, but I see myself going down that road, and im only in my early 30s so I need to nip it in the bud now.
In order to keep from hearing about how I look, I would have to send an embarrassing mass email to all my workmates about not talking about my weight that I don't think will be seen as professional.
Thanks everyone else for the encouragement. I just wish I knew how to deal with the fear
I struggle with this as well, and one thing I plan to do is to take self defense classes and work on strength training. I feel like if I can get stronger as I get smaller I can defend myself better and feel empowered.
Fear of losing weight
