Back again
Hey, this is my second round here. I tried my luck at the beginning of fall, but even though my program was pretty mild, I started getting tired, cold all the time and generally unwell. My doctor ran several tests which all returned normal and so she finally suggested antidepressants. I knew I am not depressed, so I turned to the last thing I came up with – quit my new habits. This didn’t quite help, but food for me is a pretty effective pick-me-up, so it was better than nothing in that regard - I was at least able to sort of function by the joined efforts of sugar and caffeine. Finally I ran into a chain of illnesses, the last one got me so bad I ended up on some serious antibiotics. After getting better, well, I REALLY got better. I have no idea what was wrong, just that it’s not wrong anymore. I’m just so happy that weight has lifted from every part of my body, especially happy to have my internal heater up and working, I’m wearing sweaters when everyone else is still in their winter coats like every year and I love it. I think that in few weeks I’ll try if the local lake is fit for swimming already
After my last time I am still holding in the “overweight” category, no longer obese based on BMI as I was before I started – by just a few pounds, but over 30 still. But after all my problems I’m quite out of shape, so the main thing is to get at least as good as past summer, preferably better.
I am returning here because I remember the amazing supportive and accepting community. So I feel comfortable to return even though my goals and opinions have shifted significantly from last time. I did do a lot of soul searching, especially as I suspected that my issues are primarily psychological – which turned out they probably weren’t, but I did discover some very important things about me and my goals.
First, for me it’s less about how I want my body to look, but what I want my lifestyle to be. I want to be healthy and active, but still not shy away from having a few beers here and there or a respectable helping of my grandma’s cooking when I’m over. My current weight is actually rather comfortable to me (especially after I got into yoga - proper posture is a big thing), but I would like to increase my fitness. By a lot, honestly. I’m not that bad, but there is a lot of room to grow. I would probably sum up my goal as having a body that doesn’t get in the way and in fact helps me to enjoy life.
The other reason why I always wanted to lose weight was basically me projecting my negative self-talk to other people, thinking they’re judging me and thinking less of me based on how I look. Let’s say you get two people who are sort of weird in their own way. The thin one will get away with it easier and her uniqueness is more likely to be seen as more positive than that of her bigger counterpart. That’s the way I thought. But at the end of the day, it’s the same old me, thick or thin, and I don’t think there’s a magic number on a scale that would make me suddenly comfortable with expressing who I am. Self-expression makes you vulnerable regardless of weight – and that is the point, really, because you open yourself up to people, you allow what is inside to shine through. As an exercise I decided to get really fun, colorful clothes and get a bit more comfortable with standing out. Loving it so far.
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